CHAPTER THIRTEEN (FOUR YEARS LATER; FIVE YEARS AFTER)
I can't believe it's been five years since Lizzie's suicide. It's still painful to think about, but the pain isn't as raw as it used to be. Matt's graduating from high school this spring. He and Melina are engaged. They're getting married this summer. We were hoping they would wait, but Matt's got a great job lined up after their Senior trip, and Melina's taking some college courses at the local university. They're also pregnant. When they told us, Sam hit the roof. The baby's due any day now. It's a girl, Elizabeth JoAnn (Bethany). We're going to babysit while they go on the Senior Trip. I still can't believe Matt's going to be a father. He was such a cut up, and dabbled in marijuana and cocaine until last school year. Both of them got serious when they started going steady. He quit the drugs when Melina told him about the baby. She gave him an ultimatum, shape up or he'd never see the baby. I always liked that girl. I hope they'll stay off the drugs and concentrate on their little girl. I don't want to lose another child. Lanny still hangs out with them; he still doesn't say much, however. Does that boy even know how to talk?
The twins arrived on Marin's birthday. I went into labor right in the middle of the party. Benjamin (Ben) Samuel and Brooke JoAnn were born shortly before midnight, so all three of the youngest McGuire kids share the same birthday. Marin will turn four this year and the twins will be three. Marin and Lizzie Gordon, Gordo and Miranda's daughter, are in the same preschool class. They've been playmates since they were babies. They had a son two years later, David Zephyr Gordon Junior. He and the twins are playmates as well. The five of them play well together. At first, I was a bit weirded out going to the park with Miranda, since she and Lizzie had been best friends, but by the time the twins were born, it felt right. It was a bit awkward the first time I told Gordo and Miranda to call me Jo instead of Mrs. McGuire. It took some getting used to, but it's nice. I missed those kids.
We still don't know why Lizzie chose to commit suicide. We don't know what drove her to it. I'm sitting here at the gravesite, as I do every anniversary. It seems so long ago, but it's only been five years. Matt missed getting the guidance he needed from his older sister. Perhaps if she'd still been alive, he might not have gotten tangled up in drugs. We try to tell the younger three about their older sister. It's not the same, but we felt they needed a connection with their sister. That's one reason why we named the girls after Lizzie, Faith (a spiritual connection) and Brooke (Lizzie's middle name).
I think the trials Sam and I experienced these last five years has both worn us down and made us stronger. Shortly after the twins were born, Sam lost his job. We were down to our last penny when he got a new job. I got diagnosed with ovarian cancer while I was pregnant with the twins. Since I couldn't receive treatment while pregnant, it spread. I nearly died. I finally got in remission last year. The stress and trauma of all these changes nearly cost Sam and I our marriage. I don't blame our trials on Lizzie; she didn't cause the job loss, my cancer, or Matt's drug use, but it sure didn't help things. Suicide doesn't just affect the person who attempts or completes the act, but it affects the whole family and friends too. Miranda and Gordo's marriage wasn't smooth sailing either. Probably if Lizzie had still been alive, they wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. I wish Lizzie were still here, but I don't wish Lizzie and David Gordon or Ben and Brooke or Bethany away. Who knows if the twins or Matt's daughter would have existed either.
Lizzie, I don't know why you did it, but you're gone. None of us can change that. I wish that you had come to me or someone else you trusted with your pain. Perhaps we could have helped you. It's a permanent solution to a temporary pain. I miss you, sweetheart. I miss your smile, your singing voice (I didn't even know you could sing until Rome), your plucky personality, and your kind heart. I hope the pain you felt is gone, and that you're resting peacefully. I love you so much. Your father loves you, and so does your brother Matt. Your other sisters and brother wish they could have met you. Perhaps someday we'll all be together again. Honey, I gotta go, my phone's ringing. It's Matt. Melina's in labor. Matt's taken her to the hospital. It looks like Bethany will be born today, turning this sad day into something happy. Today will be more than just the anniversary of my first child's death, but the anniversary of my first grandchild's birth. As I walk away from the cemetary, I stop and look at her grave. I swear I can see your smiling face in the horizon. I love you darling. I'll see you again someday, and I'll be back to visit here too. Love always, JoAnn McGuire, wife to Sam McGuire, mother to Elizabeth, Matthew, Marin, Benjamin and Brooke McGuire, and grandmother to Elizabeth JoAnn McGuire.
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Continues as "Moving on After Loss"