Chapter 37

Matt jumps a few months later; Marin is born.

My sister, Marin Faith, was born a few days ago. Gammy McGuire, Nana and Grampa Chuck were up visiting; they were here waiting for the baby to come. They brought me to the hospital the day my little sister was born. I thought she was pretty cute. Mom said she looked like Lizzie as a baby. That sent just about everyone into tears. We were all aware of who was missing. Lizzie. She would've gone apeshit over her little sister. She's always wanted a little sister. I find it a bit ironic that the sister Lizzie always wanted was born not too long after she died. Scratch that. Not too long after she killed herself. If she'd only waited, then she would've met Marin. Perhaps then, she would've reconsidered.

Miranda and Gordo stopped by the hospital. They'd thrown mom a baby shower, but relations were still strained. See, they've hooked up and now they're having a baby. Boy, when they told mom and dad about the baby, they hit the roof. They were supposed to be Lizzie's best friend and boyfriend, and not even a year since she died, these two hook up together. I can't stand them. Gordo was like an older brother to me, but now, I can't stand the sight of him. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when they stopped by; I don't know what I would've said. The three of them should've been fawning of Marin, but nope, Lizzie took the easy way out. She ruined everything.

We took Marin to Lizzie's grave yesterday. Man, that sucked. We shouldn't have had to do that. We started talking about Lizzie; yeah, I got caught up in remembering. I guess mom and dad wanted to tell Marin about Lizzie, I dunno. We watched home movies afterwards. I had to leave the room, because I couldn't take it. Mom and dad never asked me why, or came to see if I was okay. I guess they don't have time for me with Marin here now. I love my little sister, but I miss my folks. I miss dad yelling at me or mom busting my pranks. I miss my sister yelling, "MOOOOOOOM!" at the top of her lungs. I miss my sister.

A year after Lizzie's death.

Lizzie's been dead a year. G-d, it seems like a long time ago. Except for a few pictures here and there, you wouldn't think a fifteen-year-old girl used to live here. Marin now uses Lizzie's bedroom. We went back to the cemetery today and watched home movies; I think this is becoming a McGuire family tradition. Yay. What a tradition. I can think of better traditions to have than sitting in front of my sister's tombstone.

I think Marin's about the only bright spot in my life. I started 7th grade this year. I hate Hillridge Junior High. I don't understand why Lizzie loved Junior High (well, she would've loved it if Kate and Claire didn't plague her life). Melina, Lanny and I usually cut class or sit in the back and cut up. We've gotten detention more often than not. Mom and dad are constantly on my case. At least I have Marin to come home to. She's actually really cute. I love to pick her up and carry her all around the house. Mom says she looks like Lizzie; I think she's trying to turn her into Lizzie. Well, I'm Marin's older brother, and I can add some fun into her life. I can really make her laugh. I love to tickle her chin. When I do my funny faces, she'll laugh and clap her hands. She also loves Lanny and Melina. Lanny can make her laugh too, and she loves to hold a lock of Melina's hair and fall asleep. I wasn't looking forward to being an older brother, but I like this little girl. Lizzie sure missed out on a good thing here.

Right after Jo's cancer diagnosis.

I found Lizzie's real journal. Mom thinks she found her journal before Marin was born, but that wasn't her real one. Lizzie had another journal; because she caught me one day reading what I thought was her real journal. Mom had put all of Lizzie's things away a month or so after Lizzie died. I was looking through the attic a few days ago because me and Lanny wanted some ammo against Heywood. I was hoping he'd transfer to the other Junior High, but nope, he's still plaguing my life at Hillridge Junior High.

SEQUENCE BEGINS

Matt: Lanny, look through that box over there, and I'll see what's in this one.

Lanny: Blinks.

Matt: Face falls. I'm sorry. I didn't know that you have a phobia of white cardboard boxes.

Lanny: Blinks twice.

Matt: Well, I guess they could come out of your closet at night when you're asleep. Stranger things have happened, I suppose. Pauses. Okay, I'll look through the white boxes, and you can take the brown ones over there.

They begin looking through boxes. Matt pulls out a purple book.

Matt: Hello, what's this? He opens the book and begins reading. Tears begin streaming down his face.

Lanny: Stops in his tracks and looks at Matt. He blinks.

Matt: It's Lizzie's diary. I, uh, I don't think I wanna look around up here anymore. He puts the book back in the box and they leave the attic.

SEQUENCE ENDS

I went back up to the attic that night and read her diary. I couldn't believe it! She wrote why she killed herself! I can't even repeat it right now. Why'd she think her life was so awful that she couldn't come to us? Didn't she know how much she was loved? I've gotta hide her journal from mom and dad; I don't think they could take it if they knew why she did it. They've got a lot on their plate anyway.

Mom's been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and isn't supposed to make it. What next? She's pregnant with twins. Does this mean she'll lose them? I've already lost one sister. I don't wanna lose the twins or my mom. After they told me about her cancer and how they're gonna treat it, I ran up here to the attic. It's become my refuge. They usually check my room or the back yard; they haven't figured out that I hide up here a lot.

I can hear a lot of things up here. I've listened in on so many of mom and dad's conversations. They were talking about her cancer diagnosis a short time ago:

SEQUENCE BEGINS

Jo: "Sam, I'm scared," she cries, "What's gonna happen to me?"

Sam: "I don't know, but we'll do the best we can to get you well."

Jo: Turns and looks at Sam, "If anything happens to me..."

Sam: "Jo, don't talk like that."

Jo: "No, Sam, I have to. If I lose this battle, I want to know that you and the kids will be okay."

Sam: "We will be."

Jo: "I'm worried about Matt. Lizzie has been gone for just a little over a year, Marin is eight months old, we're having twins, and now this. I don't know how much more he can take. He seems so fragile."

They hold each other until they fall asleep.

SEQUENCE ENDS

A tear escapes Matt's eye. "I don't wanna lose my mom! Mom's worried about me." She has enough to worry about. She has to worry about dad, Marin, the twins; she doesn't need to worry about me. "God, please don't take my mom. I may be a prankster and troublemaker, but I need my mom. I love my mom." He waits until everyone was asleep, then quietly goes to his room. On the way, he stops by his parents' bedroom door. "I love you mom," he whispers.