Chapter 40

Matt's a freshman in high school.

Ah. High school. Yay. Welcome to Hillridge High School. Lizzie was looking forward to high school the summer before she was a freshman. Of course, she was also coming off that high from Rome. I thought she was enjoying it, but obviously not; she didn't even complete her freshman year. She killed herself not to long after the semester started after Christmas. School's okay, I guess. It gets me out of the house, that's for sure. I can't stand all the fighting.

The stress of all the crap at home has gotten to mom and dad, I suppose. Even though they appear to have a rock solid relationship, I know better. They're constantly fighting. All they ever do is fight. Fight about money. Dad lost his job. Even with medical insurance, the bills from mom's medical treatments are draining the finances. Lizzie's college fund is gone (like she'll ever need it). Mine's almost drained, I know it. The babies don't even have one. Mom feels guilty; if she didn't have cancer, then we wouldn't be broke. It's not her fault she has cancer. Of course, there are two more mouths to feed. Even though Marin was planned, Ben and Brooke weren't.

I love those little kids. They are also one of the few bright spots in my life. Marin is Lizzie made over, Ben is quiet and shy, but Brooke is crazy. She is me in a girl's body, that's for sure. Marin's two, and the twins are one. Brooke likes to sneak up on Ben and Marin, and take their toy. It's cute. I also like making crazy faces with her. She likes to imitate me. Maybe someday I'd like to have kids, I dunno.

Still, I can't take mom and dad's fighting much longer. I was trying to do my homework in my room and overheard one of their fights. Dad hadn't told mom about his job loss, and she was pissed!

SEQUENCE BEGINS

Jo: "How's it going?" she asks.

Sam: "Oh, fine."

Jo: "You don't look fine. You look worried. What's wrong, Sam?"

Sam: "Oh nothing," tries to brush it off.

Jo: "It is NOT nothing. Tell me."

Sam: "I don't want to worry you, Jo. You've been sick and all..."

Jo: That made her mad. "Sam, I'm your wife. Don't shut me out."

Sam: "But..."

Jo: She sits down and looks her husband in the eye, "And don't give me that 'you've been sick' stuff. I know I'm sick. I've had cancer for over a year; there's not a day that goes by that I don't know that."

Sam: Takes her hands in his. "I'm sorry Jo. I should have shared this with you, but you've got so much on your plate. I didn't want to worry you."

Jo: "Sam, we're in this for better or for worse. I can handle it; give me some credit. Now, what's going on?"

Sam: Shows her the books, "We have nothing in savings and only two more months' worth in checking. If I don't find something soon, we're gonna lose the house."

Jo: "Is it my treatments? I'm sorry, if I hadn't..."

Sam: Cuts her off, "Jo, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll work something out. If I have to, I'll dip into my retirement."

Jo: "Maybe if I can cut back on my anti-nausea medication or something..."

Sam: "Absolutely not, Jo. You need it. It'll work out."

SEQUENCE ENDS

The other day, mom and dad's fighting got so intense. They were talking divorce. I didn't think dad would do that to mom, especially now. That's low. I can't believe dad would stoop so low as to leave mom.

SEQUENCE BEGINS

Sam is sitting in front of his books again. Bills are piled up beside his computer. Jo comes walking in wrapped in her robe.

Jo: Going over the books again?

Sam: Sighs. I don't know how we're gonna make it this month.

Jo: What's wrong? She sits down beside him.

Sam: The insurance company doesn't want to pay for your treatments anymore.

Jo: Why not?

Sam: Since the regimen isn't standard protocol for your type of cancer, they don't think they need to pay for it. It's considered experimental.

Jo: Can't you talk to them?

Sam: Getting irritated. That's what I've been doing all afternoon! I can't work miracles, you know. If we didn't have all these bills, we'd be able to make ends meet.

Jo: It's not my fault I have cancer. If I could change it, I would!

Sam: Did I say that? We've gone through our savings, the kids' college funds. We can't even start funds for Marin and the twins. I've had to dip into my retirement funds.

Jo: Why didn't you tell me all this?

Sam: Because I didn't want to worry you. You've got enough to worry about.

Jo: I thought we'd settled this. I thought you were going to share what's going on. Don't shut me out.

Sam: But you're…

Jo: Interrupting. Don't go there.

Sam: Why not? My life's gone from bad to worse.

Jo: Her eyes narrow. Your life? What about mine? She points to herself. I'm the one with cancer. I'm the one who has to take the G-d awful chemotherapy. I'm the one who is always wretching her guts up. I'm the one who is in constant pain, and can't get around well. I'm the one who has lost all her hair and looks like I've starved myself. I'm the one who can't take care of her children, who has missed the first year of our twins' lives. Becomes hysterical. I'm the one who may die! Not you.

Sam: Yells back. I lost my daughter to suicide. I may lose my wife to cancer. I may lose my son to drugs!

Jo: What?

Sam: Haven't you noticed that our son smells like pot, or have you been too wrapped up in yourself to notice?

Jo: Sam, that's not fair!

Sam: Well, life's not fair! Gets up and storms out of the room.

Jo: Follows. Where are you going?

Sam: Out!

Jo: Don't leave! Don't shut me out!

Sam: I'm done! I can't take it anymore! Maybe we should just separate for awhile. If you need me, I'll be at my brother's house. He walks out the door.

Jo: Sam don't! She crumples on the floor by the front door, and cries.

Matt sees his mother by the door and approaches her.

Matt: Mom, are you okay?

Jo: Uh huh. I'm fine. She replies, between sniffs.

Matt: Helps her up. Do you wanna talk about it? She shakes her head. Dad left? She nods. Lemme take you to the couch.

Jo: Okay. She replies weakly.

Matt: Would you like me to fix you some tea?

Jo: Sure.

Matt fixes her some tea and brings her a cup. He fixes a snack for himself and hears the one of the twins awaken. Jo gets up and goes upstairs.

Matt: Mom, I'll go.

Jo: Matt, I'm going. They're still my kids. She goes in the twins' room and sees Ben crying. Hey kiddo. She picks him up. What's wrong? Are you hungry? I'll fix you a bottle. She carries him down the stairs into the kitchen, and fixes a bottle. They sit in the rocking chair, and she feeds her son.

Matt: Mom, I could've gotten him for you.

Jo: I know, but I'm his mother. As long as I'm able, I'm going to take care of my kids.

Matt: But…

Jo: Interrupts. Cradles his cheek in her hand. Oh, Matt. I appreciate what you do for me, so much. You've really stepped in to help with your brother and sisters, and the cooking and cleaning. I really do appreciate it. But sometimes I feel inadequate, because I can't do what I used to do.

Matt: I wish it was me instead of you.

Jo: What?

Matt: I wish it was me that had cancer, instead of you.

Jo: How can you say that?

Matt: You're my mom. I love you. I don't want to lose you. I hate that you're sick.

Jo: Oh Matt! She coos. I love you so much. I wish I weren't sick too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially my family. I hope I get to stay around and watch you and your brother and sisters grow up and get married and have kids of your own.

Matt: I've lost my sister. I don't wanna lose my mom too.

Jo: If I can help it, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to do my best to get well. Looks down and notices Ben's asleep. I need to put this little guy to bed. Matt starts to object. I want to put him to bed. It's late. You need to get to bed too. You've got school tomorrow. She goes upstairs.

SEQUENCE ENDS

Dad stayed gone for nearly a week. Gordo and Miranda have been a help to mom, taking care of my brother and sisters, while I'm at school. They've taken enough classes to where they go to school only half days. She goes in the morning, and he goes in the afternoon. They're also expecting another baby, and got engaged. I still don't like them. They betrayed Lizzie. Plus, Gordo still acts "More superior than thou." It gets on my nerves, so I stay away.

Mom didn't ask me about drugs that night. I think she was tired. She had a lot to deal with, since dad left and all. I snuck out my window, went to my cave, and smoked a few. I called Lanny and Melina, and they joined me. Lanny brought some brew that he made himself. It was smooth. I think he's got a knack for that stuff. Maybe he'll grow up and become a bartender or own a brewery. I felt guilty for leaving the house, but I had to get away. I snuck back in around 3 in the morning, and crashed on my bed until I had to get up for school. I try not to cut classes, because I don't want to make mom worry about me. Plus, Lanny, Melina, and I have decided to graduate early. In order to do that, we have to take extra classes, and actually attend them.