Disclaimer: I would be lying if I said that I had never not owned Harry Potter and Co. twice on Sundays.
Note: This is dedicated to myself after I read an awful prophecy story. To help myself recover I wrote this, whichis a sort of spoof on that other story. So now all of you who have written a story like that can be paranoid that it's your story I'm making fun of. But I've changed events and characters involved so you'll never know. Hah. Revenge is sweet.
The Ramifications of Too Many Lemon Drops
"Sir, I'm a little confused."
Albus Dumbledore nodded his head and looked over his spectacles at the frazzled witch sitting across from him.
"That's normal at your age. Prophecies are tricky pieces of work, Miss Granger," he patronized.
Hermione bit back a highly witty and sarcastic comment and instead turned her eyes to the parchment in front of her.
The union of the lion and serpent will bring about the joining of long standing enemies. Through their combined intelligence they will change the face of the wizarding world.
"Please enlighten me as to why you think this prophecy refers to me and Malfoy. The fact that the word intelligence is used to describe him is very unsettling," Hermione said stubbornly.
Dumbledore chuckled and threw an excessive amount of lemon drops in his mouth. After he recovered from nearly choking to death, much to Hermione's disappointment, he gave her his ever sound reasoning on the subject.
"It's very logical. He's smarter than Crabbe and Goyle and those are the onlyother Slytherins who have important parts in the book."
Hermione was about to ask about this book he was referring to, but was suddenly distracted by a red herring flying across the room. After blinking and realizing she must have just imagined it, she turned her attention back to Dumbledore, feeling as though she had missed something very important that could unravel the very fabric of her world.
"Oh well," she thought. Suddenly, she remembered something pivotal to the plot.
"What about Severus? He's in Slytherin," Hermione pointed out, metaphorically speaking, as her hands were still in her lap.
Dumbledore had popped another lemon flavored sweet in his mouth right before Hermione had spoken. After hearing her statement it had popped right out because his mouth was hanging open in a very unattractive manner.
"Miss Granger, you will address Prof. Snape as…well, Prof. Snape. He is your teacher and I will not have you carelessly slinging his given name around. And as to the idea of him being your serpent, he is your teacher and I will not have you carelessly slinging his given name around," Dumbledore finished angrily and not at all aware that his point had been lost due to his repeating of himself.
"Sir, he hasn't been my teacher for a long time now. I graduated five years ago!"
Dumbledore jumped up from his desk. "Oh my, does Harry know? Who will do his homework so he can have time to sneak off and get into some dangerous situation that will ultimately involve Voldemort?"
Wondering if she could tackle this one or even if she should, Hermione advised her former Headmaster to sit down and take another lemon drop. Once he complied she told him the old news that was relatively new news to him. Dumbledore obviously reacted to the fact that Voldemort was actually dead and Harry had somehow managed to graduate but Hermione didn't pay attention because she was too busy thinking that the term "new news" was rather redundant.
Five lemon drops later the entire matter was forgotten and Dumbledore was about to tell Hermione about a prophecy that concerned her when Severus S. Snape stormed into the room.
"Oh Severus, so good to see you. Please do sit down," Dumbledore said, gesturing to Hermione's chair and then pretending to look startled when he found it was already occupied.
"You remember Miss Granger, don't you Severus? Harry's friend, smartest witch in her year, famous concert pianist, who is Harry's friend?"
Severus rolled his eyes. "Yes, it's been such a long time since the Order Meeting this morning," he said sarcastically. "Pray tell, what have you been up to since then Hermione?"
"I've been trying to tell Dumbledore that I am not going to marry a Malfoy," she huffed as she handed Severus the parchment.
Severus glanced at the paper. "Sybil's been at it again has she?"
Hermione looked disgusted. "You were trusting my matrimonial fate to that blind cow?" she screamed at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore looked at her timidly. "Lemon drop?"
Hermione threw up her hands in exasperation.
"Well," Dumbledore said, trying to bring the situation under his control again, "since the both of you are here by an amazing coincidence…"
He was interrupted by a duet of snorts of disbelief, but continued anyway.
"I think it would be great if you," he pointed to Severus, "would play matchmaker between young Miss Granger and Mr. Malfoy."
If looks could kill Dumbledore would be dead twice, which is called "over kill."
Severus looked at Hermione and winked. "Actually Albus, Hermione and I have other plans."
"Really, what would a man and a woman that don't work with each other have to do together?" Dumbledore asked confused.
Severus ignored Dumbledore's question. He really didn't want to have to be the one who explained to the Headmaster that Hippogriff's didn't drop babies off on doorsteps.
Hermione stood up and started off toward the door. "It was a…experience to see you again Headmaster."
As Severus turned to follow her out, Dumbledore called after him.
"Where are you going, Severus? You haven't even had a lemon drop yet."
Looking at Hermione he smiled wickedly. "We're off to do something highly inappropriate for a PG rated story."
"Alright then, just be back by the beginning of term," Dumbledore declared.
"By the way Albus, I quit," Severus replied.
"Alright then, just be back by the beginning of term."
With a final role of their eyes, Hermione and Severus left the Headmaster with his half-empty sack of lemon drops.
In conclusion, the moral of this story boys and girls, is that too much candy can result in loss of functioning brain cells. Fizzing Whizbee, anyone?