Stand By Me
Chapter Twelve
Amy frowned, studying the nail in the light, file on the desk before her as she inspected the nail. Sighing, she picked up the file, shaking her head and went back to her diligent work, filing away the edges of the break with the tip of her tongue between her teeth. Damn, damn, damn…
With eyes narrowed and spine stiff, she focused all the strength in her gaze on her nail, leaning back in her chair and crossing her long legs, breathing as quietly as she could in some attempt to really get this done right. She rarely broke a nail but when she did, she tended to get extremely pissy of it.
"Stop that… anyway, I forbid you to be pissy."
"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa… you forbid me?"
She shook herself out of memory, forcefully, finding it difficult but managing to push them back and hide them away, happy memories of Maggie that were hidden with the smell of her mother's cookies every Christmas and her voice as she read to her every night…
She once again focused completely on the nail, something that didn't hurt as much as memories that had been building for so long only to be suddenly shredded by that shape running off to never be seen or heard from again. And, of course, she'd never forget how her heart had lurched when she'd caught sight of the photo splashed across the cheap tabloid in the Texas convenience store.
How, for a moment or so she had felt that chill of terror as she studied the photos of the petite blonde and recognized her despite how she had grown just a little bit more into her grace, just a little bit more into that hidden strength that she so believed she didn't have in the first place.
But it hadn't been Maggie, not Maggie, not her Maggie with the crooked grin and the eyes that looked so closed off unless you knew where to look. No, it had been Frankie and she'd never forget the momentary flicker of absolute gladness that it was Frankie, Frankie and not Maggie who was decorating those pages, being splattered across the paper as "Kane Daughter's Lesbian Lover Found Dead."
For a moment, she'd been glad that it was Frankie on those pages and not Maggie because what was she to do with the knowledge that Maggie was no longer out there somewhere, that she had lost any chance of ever again getting to stay up all night watching TV and bickering about exactly why cats beat out dogs as the best pet.
Amy would never get that moment of emotion out of herself and it returned to her at the strangest times, such as when she was filing her nail… such as now…
"Please tell me that Micaela Kincaide is still in there."
Snapped out of her recollections like a rubber band, Amy leaped forward, slamming her hip painfully into the desk as she tossed her file away and attempted to settle her outfit into some semblance of order and then stopped, blinking at the redhead who stood before her like some autumn goddess.
Whoa…
With her mind already out of sorts, the sight of the female who she was staring at her was way too much and she fiddled with the hem of her skirt nervously, clearing her throat out once or twice and forcing her gaze down to the desk in front of her for a moment and shuffling papers like she was being useful.
When she finally looked up, she found the redhead regarding her with the slightest touch of a smirk twisting her lips and her eyes glittering the smallest bit in silent amusement. She really was a pretty thing, red hair falling around her face to brush her shoulders and holding a file box effortlessly in her arms.
She was very pretty and Amy noticed and, to Amy's chagrin, the redhead noticed and seemed to appreciate the fact that Amy had noticed. The fact that this mental thought did not completely confuse her was proof of how dazed Amy Cohen had suddenly found herself and she cleared her throat again, staring at the woman who stared right back with that slight smirk on her face.
"Yep." Boy, wasn't she just one of them flawless women of the nineties… or, wait, it wasn't the nineties… crap… "I mean, yeah, yeah, Micaela's still in there… ahem… yeah, she's right in there." She was surprisingly calm, at least when it came to her voice and the woman opposite her grinned slightly, moving forward to set the box on her desk.
Amy accepted the hand that was offered and found to her delight that it was warm and strong, gripping hers with a refreshingly firm softness that made her palm tingle the smallest bit. "I'm her secretary, Amy, Amy Cohen… you would be the girl from Chandler Industries?"
A laugh as she nodded, making red hair shift slightly. "I'm your girl. I'm here with business between Chandler Industries and Micaela's whatever-it-is… Here, you can call me Erin—" She stopped suddenly, eyes narrowing as she saw the nail that Amy had previously been so obsessive about. Turning the hand she still held, 'Erin' lifted an eyebrow, offering an amused glance to Amy. "My nails break faster than they grow, it's not even funny, believe me."
"Uh… yeah…" Feeling awkward and squirming under the gaze, Amy cautiously twisted her hand from the other woman's grip, lacing her fingers together and holding them in front of her stomach, offering the redhead a slight smile. "Um, aren't you late to that meeting with Micaela—I mean, Ms. Kincaide?"
"Ugh." She wrinkled her nose, lifting up the box again and setting it against her hip, flashing the brunette a broad grin and a quiet laugh. "Too true… pleasure to meet you though." Another, even broader grin, a more intense sparkle in her eyes and she chuckled, louder this time, studying Amy with half-closed eyes. "Work beckons…"
And then she was gone, slinking away past Amy's desk and into Micaela's office and Amy bit her lip, staring down at her hands. Not Maggie, not even close but there was a glint in her gaze that brought to mind long nights of whispering what they were almost too afraid to speak out loud.
But she wasn't Maggie… not even close…
Maggie had made Amy uncomfortable and she regretted it intensely, regretted not letting Amy simply leave Bianca's place while they hashed it out. Twice, Bianca had snapped for Amy to get out and give them privacy and both times Amy had been only too happy to comply, spinning and bolting for the door until Maggie insisted that she stay.
She violently hated that she had used Amy like some human buffer between Bianca and herself. It had been okay for a few minutes and they had managed to stay on neutral territory, both Bianca and Maggie carefully working to keep themselves and their emotions in check so they could at least talk.
Maggie had forced herself to be okay, even while Bianca had insisted that Maggie stay away from JR and the Chandlers. She had no right, not really, to tell Maggie to stay away from the Chandler family but she'd forced back the flicker of anger, swallowed it back and attempted a different route to get Bianca to somehow help her get in touch with the newly alive Dixie Cooney.
And Bianca had spit in her face.
She's stood there with Miranda balanced on one hip and brought up Babe Carey, flung Babe's name into the conversation that Maggie had been fighting so hard to keep herself calm for. It had been like a slap in the face, Bianca telling Maggie not to even mention Babe's name to any of the Chandlers because the poor little blonde needed her peace now, away from the hell of the Chandlers and their viciousness.
Maggie couldn't quite remember ever being hit by a few words like that, had never been struck so hard by a sentence and she'd simply stood dazed and stunned for a moment or so, staring at Bianca, watching with wide eyes as she set Miranda down to play and turned back to Maggie, lips pursed and cheeks flushed with anger at just the idea of evil, heartless Maggie going after poor, innocent Babe.
Only Bianca could say something like that and make it hurt so badly that she wasn't able to breathe for a few moments…
Babe… Maggie slammed the bottle of water down on the kitchen counter, clawing the inside of the cabinet just above, hands scrambling for the bottle of Tylenol that Jonathon kept up there, and she yanked it down, finger tearing at the lid and finally managing to get it open.
Dropping the bottle to the side and not giving a flying fuck about the few pills that skittered across the counter and into the sink, she popped two into her mouth, twisting open the bottle of water and chugging down about a half of it in just a few swallows and then choking for a moment or so, coughing and pounding her chest to loosen up the knot.
Even after the water went down, the knot remained, a painful weight where there had once been a kind of light and wonderful something that she'd been too afraid of and too intimidated by to name and she kept her hand over her heart for a moment, biting her lip as she stood there, fighting back the stinging pain in her eyes and the clog in her throat.
Shaking her head and chugging down more of the water, she forced it all back, something she had become all too good at in the last months. It was all she had done for so many months while she'd thought Miranda was at the bottom of some river and that she'd never even get the chance to see Bianca hold that one thing she wanted so much and so desperately, the one she'd wanted so much and so desperately for Bianca to get to have.
That's all she had done, forced it all back with all the strength she had, beat it back with even more desperation than she'd had when she'd first realized that Frankie would never know how much she loved her. Frankie had died, she had died with a hole in her and a piece of metal stuck in her and she'd died thinking her big sister didn't even love her.
Frankie and Miranda… Miranda and Frankie… Maggie shuddered, gripping the water bottle and shook herself hard, attempting to knock away the loose thoughts that were just too painful, the ones she had learned the hard way to keep under control. How dare she, how dare Bianca tell her to just be okay with what Babe had done…!
She had stolen Miranda… no, fine, she hadn't started the lie but did that matter, really… she had learned the truth and instead of telling the truth, being a good person, she'd put the baby right back in JR's arms, patted her on the head and bounced her ass to lure Jamie away. Maggie didn't get it, not completely, what had made Babe suddenly decide that the lie was no longer worth it, what had suddenly inspired the conscience but Maggie really didn't give a fuck… not at all…
Nothing Babe did was because it was the right thing… everything she did, everything she planned and set up had revolved around her getting what she wanted… and Maggie knew, she knew, that her giving back Miranda hadn't been brought on by a sudden flood of love and kindness… no, the bitch had decided that Miranda wasn't useful anymore… she had dropped Miranda like she was nothing and left Bianca and JR to pick whatever pieces of themselves that were left after the lies.
Bianca was left with ten empty months and a million moments that she would never get back and JR had been left with no one but his father and his uncle at his back, with nothing but an empty nursery to grieve for…
It was like Miranda had been nothing, meant nothing and like nobody mattered but Babe and what she wanted and she was supposed to just sit back and let her go on with Jamie happy and carefree, never getting what she deserved… Miranda was not nothing… she had never been just nothing and for her to treat Miranda like some little tool to twist the knife in deeper into JR…
Maggie was shaking, literally shaking as she stood there, staring and not seeing the apartment and she felt like she was burning, felt like she was going to break at any moment, like she was going to shatter into a million little pieces and Bianca didn't care, she didn't give any care to the fact that it wasn't just her who had lost Miranda…
She didn't get the only say in the matter, she hadn't been the only one to cry herself to sleep at night and cling to little frilly dresses and boxes of diapers that were never opened and she hadn't been the only to lose everything because of some bastard who had played god and some bitch who had decided that she wanted to keep JR and his money, to hell with anyone else…
No, she had apparently forgiven Babe and her and Kendall and everyone else who had grieved were just suppose to smile and nod and go along with it even though their world had been ripped apart too, even though they had grieved too, right along beside Bianca, for Bianca and for themselves and for all of what they had lost because of those two heartless wastes of space…
Maggie had been like this for hours, dropping off Amy and storming into the apartment with tears flooding and sobs being choked down with all the strength she had, and she had fallen into bed, and dozed, somehow, even though the anger and the pain had never ceased…
Her head was pounding and her hands were shaking and her back hurt from tossing and turning all night and everything felt wrong because Bianca didn't care. Had she ever cared, had she ever even seen Maggie and what Maggie had dreamed about… did she even care! No, no, she never had… clearly…
She knew, on some level, that needing Jonathon like she did right now was wrong, that there was something twisted and so, so wrong about it but it didn't change the fact that she needed to breathe and she needed him to help her breathe, needed him and what he could do to help her block out everything, even if it was just for a few minutes.
Maggie fought it back again, tossing the empty bottle down and clenching her hands, nails digging into her palms and panting, shaking, wishing that Jonathon would get back, wishing he'd get where she needed him right now… she needed him to help her, he had to help her deal with this, had to help her…
When the door opened, she couldn't have been more relieved and she spun, eyes falling on Jonathon and felt an almost insane amount of excitement. He wasn't Bianca, he wasn't soft or feminine or flawless and it was perfect and, even as a girl that had to be Erin slipped in behind him, Maggie was going for him, entire body tight as she flung her arms around his neck and arched into him, crushing herself against him, trying to no longer exist as other than some part of him…
She breathed heavily into his neck, shaking, and had an insane urge to simply collapse against him and scream and sob and beat at him until she was too exhausted to hurt any more. And he'd let her because he was no idiot. They both knew what this was, what it was that made them fall into bed together until neither could care about anything anymore.
It wasn't love, wasn't even close but this wasn't what was driving them together like that in the first place… love was what was making her so angry that Erin was there, that she couldn't get what she needed from him and love was what was making her want so much to just stop and finish because what was the point?
When she pulled away to regard Erin, eye the other woman, she looked just fine, was smiling and pleasant and she stood, arms crossed over her chest, chatting with the redhead and simply nodding and speaking, knowing what she was saying but not really hearing, only able to really focus on Jonathon and how easy it would be for him to make this all better.
She smiled, laughed when Jonathon handed Erin his keys and explained to Maggie that he had already set up a room for her at the Valley Inn… and then Erin was gone and Jonathon was walking her out, and she was standing, staring down at her feet, utterly fascinated by how her toes looked against the floor.
And then Jonathon was staring at her with an odd sort of understanding, and he stroked a finger down her cheek, and it was just enough. She closed her eyes for a few moments, gnawing her lip and then biting down harder as she pressed herself up closer, just needing something other than everything she was all tangled up in.
She had a half a day until she met up with Amy to get to the casino… Bianca would be at the casino, not caring about the fact that Babe needed to be punished and that Maggie needed her to be punished so that she could be okay… she crushed herself against him suddenly, and he reacted, touching her right back just like she wanted and she groaned, blocking out everything else and just concentrating on him.
Jonathon couldn't hurt her like Bianca was and she needed him now… and he gave her what she needed, just like he had promised he always would…