Two cold showers later, and I'm still thinking about kissing Xander.
I liked it. I wasn't sure I would like it, but I did. I'm not crazy about stubble, but there's something different about a guy's mouth …
I want to do it again. Actually I want to grab Xander and drag him into his apartment and …
I'm not sure what. I don't know if I'd have the nerve for what's coming to mind. I don't even know if I really want to do what I'm thinking about doing.
What, me scared? Of course not. I'm Kennedy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not scared of anything…
Okay, not buying that one?
Me either.
Xander had to know how I felt about him now. No one could be so oblivious as to not catch my meaning …
Well, okay. It IS Xander.
I've never really been you call shy. When I wanted something—wanted someone—then I went all out to get what I wanted. It had always worked for me in the past … until Willow.
No.
I'm not going to go there. I am not going to let Willow-funk get me down. I'm not going to beat myself up over her any longer. It happened. We were together, and now we're not. We'll never be together again. And she's not what I want.
Okay, sleep is obviously not going to be an option for me now.
What would have happened if I hadn't run away? Would we have kept on kissing? Would we have talked? Would we have … ?
I don't know. Maybe that's why I ran.
I can just imagine what those girls who walked in on us are going to be telling the others. I wonder if I can actually teach this morning without blushing like an idiot?
Okay. Enough of this. I'm going to do something else. If I can't sleep, maybe a good morning workout will help me relax.
There's something about walking around when everyone else is fast asleep. It's one of my favorite things to do. In the house I grew up in, being alone was always one of the hardest things to accomplish. If it wasn't my parents or sister, it was one of the servants … maybe that's why I jumped at the chance to run off and be trained as a Slayer. At that point in my life, I was ready for the whole solitary life thing …
I trot down to the gym and stop at the door …
Xander.
And Willow.
She's in his arms. She's laughing. I can see the love in her eyes as she looks at him.
And he's looking back at her as though nothing else exists in the world but Willow's smile.
And all I want to do right now is die …