Usually, in Narcissa's world, Christmas was a day like every other, except for the presents. She would go home on the train for the holidays, back to the Malfoys' manor, sleep in her little tower room, come downstairs on Christmas morning for gifts, stuff herself at lunch, and find herself back in the tower come midnight – except for the pile of new things she'd received as gifts, most of them clothes, things she hardly needed.
This Christmas, because Lucius and his parents were touring Europe, Narcissa had written to her father and to Lucius and asked if she could stay at school. She included a note from Professor McGonagall saying that she was having difficulty with her lessons, and that she needed to study. She didn't know if it would work, but within two days of each other, she received replies of assent from both parties. It was decided. Narcissa Black would be staying at school this Christmas.
There were always ten or so students who never went home for Christmas break. Sirius, in an attempt to avoid his mother, never did. James stayed at school simply because Sirius was. Some years, Lily went home, and others, she stayed, but this year she was staying – probably because James was, Narcissa thought. And Remus, inexplicably, was staying – if he had any reasons why, he kept them to himself, and Narcissa did not pry.
When she had gone back to her room, that night after she had spoken to Remus at the Astronomy Tower, she hadn't been willing to approach him again. Perhaps he really had gone up only because he had felt pity for her. Perhaps he had changed his mind about her, and would rather stick with Sirius' and James' opinions of her. Whatever the reason, Narcissa didn't approach him in the corridors during classes, and she didn't wait outside the Gryffindor common room, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. If Remus chose to pursue her, she would respond, but not before.
She didn't have long to wait.
The Saturday after, Remus met her outside of the Great Hall, after dinner. "I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me," he asked.
His eyes were so bright, so honest. Narcissa shivered a little inside, a good shiver, "I'd like that," she answered.
The snow crunched under their feet as they walked further and further away from the castle. There had been an ice storm the night before, and ice crusted the trees, encasing every single branch and twig in an icy shield. The bleakly-colored sun made everything sparkle like a diamond. The trees bent under the weight of the ice, making a sort of crystal canopy over them as they walked. For a girl who had been introduced to very little romance, Narcissa felt as if she was walking on air.
"It looks like diamonds," she murmured.
"Or a cathedral in London," Remus agreed.
The two of them walked in silence for a few minutes. Remus looked slightly awkward, like his hands were too big for him, and kept putting them in and out of his pockets. Narcissa smiled a little. Was he nervous? She didn't know. Except for Lucius, she hadn't been around boys that much since she'd been six years old.
"What's your family like?" she asked him, to break the silence.
Remus seemed glad for an excuse to speak, "Oh, I'm an only child," he said, "My mom and dad live in York. We don't have a lot of money, but they seem happy enough." A sad look crossed his face, but he dismissed it so quickly Narcissa thought she might have imagined it.
"How did you meet James and Sirius?" she asked him.
Remus smiled, "Oh, I don't know. I guess it just sort of happened – we all got in Gryffindor our first year and things sort of took off from there." He glanced over at her. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You don't strike me as the Slytherin sort," he answered.
Narcissa shrugged, "I wasn't at all surprised when I ended up there. Almost everyone in our family has been – my father, my mother, Bellatrix. Andromeda's the one exception; she was in Ravenclaw, but I think that's only because she's so incredibly smart. She was Head Girl in her seventh year, you know."
"I remember." Remus frowned, "I just didn't know that Houses are predetermined."
"They aren't," Narcissa answered, "But when people get used to seeing you in one dress, they get pretty confused when you put another one on."
Remus grinned, "I have a feeling we're not talking about clothes."
Narcissa smiled back, "No. We're not."
They walked a few feet before she asked him, "When you said I don't strike you as a Slytherin, what did that mean? What do you think a Slytherin is supposed to be?"
Remus seemed unsure of what to say, "Well, according to House rivalry, all Slytherins are – " he hesitated.
"Conniving, ambitious, power-hungry," Narcissa finished for him.
"Well – I wouldn't say that, but – " Remus shifted uncomfortably.
"And Slytherins think that Gryffindors are self-centered, egotistical teacher's pets," she interrupted. She stopped and faced him. "So maybe we're wrong about each other."
Remus smiled, "You've got a point."
Narcissa grinned, "I know I do." She nudged him with her elbow, "Come on. It's getting late – it's not safe to be outside the grounds close to dark."
The sun was beginning to set as they approached the castle. The wind was blowing colder, and Remus pulled his frayed collar up around his face. "Cold, isn't it?" he asked, and kicked himself mentally immediately. Questions about the weather, he thought, how déclassé can I get?
Narcissa didn't respond. Instead, she slipped her mittened hand into his.
Remus felt electrified. And helpless.
How could she care for him so?
Easily, he thought to himself.
She doesn't know what I am.
"What do you know about her?" he asked Sirius later that evening, as they sat around the Gryffindor fireplace, ignoring James and Lily, sitting in a dark corner, in the middle of an obviously intense conversation.
Sirius shrugged, "I haven't seen her much since I was about seven. There isn't really much to tell – nothing that you know or would care to know."
"Anything," Remus said, "anything you know."
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "Any particular reason?"
Remus concentrated on the fire, "I just – just want to know. Is that such a big deal?" he challenged.
Sirius shook his head, bemused, and thought.
"Well," he answered, "she's got a reputation for being a bit of an ice princess."
"Ice princess?"
"You know," Sirius went on, "Cold. Distant. Haughty."
Remus shook his head. He could not think of any words that described Narcissa less. "Anything else?"
Sirius shrugged, "You're asking me to try and figure out the cousin I've barely seen in ten years, "he said, "I can barely remember what she used to be like, let alone what she is now."
Beautiful, Remus thought. She's beautiful and delicate and – and possibly in a lot of danger.
"Is she in love with Lucius Malfoy?" he asked.
"Malfoy?" Sirius looked dubious, "I doubt it. Like I said, I never saw her much growing up, but whenever I did see her, he was with her. Always hovering over her protectively, insisting he go with her wherever she went. She never really seemed all that interested in him – but it's not as if she has a choice in the matter, is it?" Light seemed to dawn on his features. "Hey, mate, you're not thinking of – of – "
Remus cut in, "And Malfoy? What does he think of her?"
Sirius took a deep breath, "Last I knew, he was head over heels for her. Lucked out, I suppose – most arranged marriages in the wizarding world don't go very well. But he's obviously very affectionate towards her – he's fallen in love with her, from everything I've seen."
"And you're very sure that she's not in love with him back?"
"As sure as I can be," Sirius replied, "Remus –"
"Excuse me for a minute," Remus said. Before Sirius could stop him, he strode up to their common room and started digging around in his trunk. At the very bottom, wrapped in a piece of silky fabric, he found what he was looking for.
"Remus, why did you ask to meet me here?" Narcissa asked, late in the afternoon on Christmas day, "I figured you'd be celebrating Christmas with James and Sirius and the others – not making plans to meet up here."
She gestured around the empty Astronomy Tower, which was blanketed with snow, chillingly cold.
"I know it's freezing," Remus answered, "but look at the sunset. I wanted to show it to you." The sun was sinking into the frozen horizon, into a sea of blues and reds and purples and oranges, like liquid fire.
"It's beautiful," Narcissa said, then laughed, "but we could watch it from inside, you know. I'm sure the others wouldn't have minded seeing it."
"But I would have minded them seeing this," Remus answered. He put his hand into his pocket and drew out a single flat package, and handed it to her.
Narcissa's eyes widened, "What's this?"
"Just open it." Remus' throat felt strangely dry. But his palms were sweaty. He cursed himself inwardly for being so incredibly awkward.
Narcissa took the wrapping off gently, painstakingly. She opened the lid of the flat box inside. Her fingers reached inside and pulled out - Remus held his breath.
Hanging from her fingers was a long silver chain, with a flat metal disk on the end. Narcissa turned the disk over in her hands to look at the front of it. Remus had seen it a million times, in the days when his mother had worn a similar one. The disk was flat, carved with a compass rose, and in its very center, glowing like a tiny star, was a small, perfectly round moonstone.
"It's – it's beautiful," Narcissa murmured. She smiled shyly up at him, her eyes practically glowing. Remus felt himself getting lost. "Why are you giving it to me?"
That brought him back to earth, "It belonged to a family member," he said, "I'd like you to have it. If you'll wear it, of course."
"If I'll wear it? Remus, it's lovely," Narcissa's smile widened, "I'd be honored to wear it."
She undid the clasp and turned around, holding it out for him, "Will you do it up for me?"
Remus' throat went even drier, if it was possible.
"I – I can't," he said.
Narcissa turned back to him, her smile faded, her eyes hesitant, "You can't?"
"No," Remus said, "You – you must do it up by yourself. The clasp isn't difficult; you should be able to do it." He wanted to bite his tongue for sounding so callous, but – there is nothing else I can do, he thought.
Narcissa draped the necklace across her own neck and fastened it. She looked up at him.
"You – you make it beautiful," Remus said softly.
Narcissa smiled again, shyly, "Thank you."
But he wasn't done yet, "If it's not too – too much trouble, I'd like to see you wear it all the time," he managed.
Her smile faltered a little, "Of course."
He exhaled, "Good."
"Remus," Narcissa asked, concerned, "What's wrong? If something's bothering you, you can tell me. Don't be afraid." And then she put her hand on his arm.
"Oh, God," Remus whispered, "I wish – "
"What is it?" she asked softly.
And then he lifted a hand, trembling, touched her cheek, brushed a piece of her golden hair away from her eyes. How could she understand? How could he tell her? He couldn't.
Admit it; he wasn't planning on telling her when he gave her the silver amulet that would ensure her protection. But if there had ever been a moment when he had been unselfish enough to tell her the truth in order to safeguard her life, that time was past. Why do I have to choose between unselfishness and love? he thought desperately.
Those eyes. Those wide eyes, the color of sapphires, a blue so dark they were almost black, staring up at him, worried, wondering. Was there anything else in the depths? The eyes are the windows to the soul, someone had once told him. HE had once told him, as he hunched over Remus' shaking form, teeth dripping with Remus' blood.
"Look into my eyes, boy. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Tell me what you see in mine."
No! Remus thought. I have to protect her – I have to keep her safe.
The amulet would be enough. It would be enough. It was only a precaution, anyway – and it had been years since anyone had spotted him in the shack –
Memories flooded through him, unbidden, terrifying. He wanted nothing here. No. None of those memories.
"Remus," Narcissa was saying, "Remus. What's going on?"
And then her hand was touching his face, her fingers running along his jaw. Her touch was as light as a feather. He shuddered. Unbidden, his arms went around her waist, and he clung to her, coming back to earth.
"Narcissa – I – "
She touched his lips with her fingers, to silence him. Then, she drew his face down to hers and kissed him.
It was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Her lips on his were so soft – they tasted like green apples in summer, like rain, like snow. They tasted like something sweet and musky all at once, something foreign and alien, and dear God, he didn't want it to end. This wasn't a fantasy, or a dream. This was something real. He clung to her, and underneath his hands she felt cool and warm at the same time, fantastically alive.
When they parted, he could see the glisten on her lips, still taste her in his mouth. Her eyes were not ashamed. But still they spoke a question.
"I can't tell you now," Remus answered softly, calm again, "Trust in me that it is not the time."
He half expected her to protest, to rip the necklace off and try and jam it into his fingers in anger. He hardly could have blamed her, after she'd given him such a special part of herself.
But she only slid her arms around him and held him close to her, her blonde hair a whisper against his cheek.
"When the time is right," she murmured softly, "I know you will."