Remus did not return to school until New Year's Eve morning, the first day of the waning moon. He was visibly shaken and looked thinner and more ill than he had before he'd left. His clothes virtually hung on him, and when he was ordered by Professor McGonagall to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey twitched her lips, shook her head, and gave him a Pepper-Up solution, which made smoke pour from his ears, but did little else to change his appearance.
He didn't join his friends in the common room, and spent most of his time lying on his bed, buried in school work. He didn't leave Gryffindor Tower, on the off chance that he ran into Narcissa, and he refused to come down for meals.
That evening, James poked his head into the dormitory and said, "Hey, Mooney, we're going to play a game of Exploding Snap, want to join us?"
Remus shook his head, "I've got a lot of work to do."
"Come on, mate, it's New Year's Eve," James persisted, walking into the room and sitting on Remus' bed. "You can't lock yourself up here forever."
Remus did not look up from "The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7."
James hesitated, "Remus, maybe you should talk to her – "
"I have a lot of work to do," Remus repeated, still avoiding his gaze, "If you could please let me study in peace."
James gave up. But a few minutes later someone else was rapping on the door.
"I'm busy," Remus said.
"I know you are," came a light female voice. Remus looked up hurriedly, but it was Lily. She walked into the room as James has before her, but did not sit on the bed. She rested her fingertips lightly on his trunk and stood there watching him.
"Lily," Remus said with sudden courtesy, "I didn't know it was you."
"Obviously," she replied, "Are you planning on staying up here until holiday is over?"
"I might," he answered noncommittally, "Got a lot to go over before NEWTs."
"NEWTS aren't until May," she said gently, "And I would have thought you knew it all by now – smart as you are."
"You flatter me," Remus replied without a hint of flattery in his voice, "But really, I'm falling behind in Potions."
Lily tipped her head to the side until her gaze was level with his.
"You always were a rotten liar, Remus."
Remus shut his book and leaned back against his pillow, closing his eyes, "I would have thought, of everyone here, you would understand."
"What's there to understand?" Lily demanded, "You didn't mean for it to happen, you took every precaution – you can't possibly be blaming yourself."
"I took every precaution – and I almost killed her!" Remus managed, "I almost tore her throat out - if Sirius hadn't come right them, she would have been dead."
He shuddered.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "Now that she knows what I am, she'll never speak to me again." He swallowed, and nodded decisively, "It's better that way. She won't be in any more danger."
"Remus," Lily began.
"No," he said, "If what I say isn't true – if she can honestly see past what I am, as Sirius and James have told me – I don't want to know about it."
He stood up and walked towards the door, and then looked back at her and said,
"I want to go on as if nothing happened, as if nothing passed between us. That way, nobody has to get hurt."
He walked through the common room, past James and Sirius' worried expressions, and through the portrait hole.
It seemed almost a desecration to go back to the top of the Astronomy Tower, when his dreams of being with Narcissa were crashing down around his ears. But Remus walked doggedly up the many flights of stairs. When he emerged, the night was crystal clear, but cold. He shivered, wishing he'd remembered his cloak. It was all right, he decided, he wouldn't be up long. He wrapped his long thin arms around his way-too-skinny frame and walked to the edge of the rail, looking over the grounds.
Had there ever been such a night filled with stars? He had never seen one. The sky was a perfect midnight blue, every star like a perfect diamond pinprick in its velvety surface. There was no wind to add a chill to the air, but it was cold enough outside. Remus walked over to the bench where he had sat with Narcissa, that night, almost a month ago, when possibilities had seemed endless, when he'd been in control of his emotions, just once.
He shook his head. It was his own fault, all of it. He had followed her up there to make sure that she was all right, nothing more. Everything else was born of his own head. If he hadn't allowed his dreams to run away from him, he never would have found himself in this predicament. And Narcissa – poor, beautiful Narcissa –
He thought back to the many times he had seen her pretty, worried face in the hallways – always so beautiful, always so crestfallen, so defeated, someone whose wings had been clipped before she'd had a chance to soar. Someone who had lived so many years without having dreams. How Remus could relate to that!
"People like us aren't allowed to have dreams." That was what someone had told him once, another werewolf, when he'd been in St. Mungo's for emergency care. A rainy spring day, when the sky itself seemed to be crying along with Remus. He'd only been ten years old then; he hadn't even known the meaning of love. He thought that the bite he'd received when he was little would be the worse pain he'd ever endure. But this – this was so much worse. Because this time it wasn't just his dreams that were being destroyed before they could take flight. He was hurting Narcissa, too.
"If I hadn't taken that step," Remus thought to himself aloud, "I would never be where I am right now. Narcissa would still be Narcissa, and I would still be alone, just as I am now. At least some good came of all this. Narcissa has friends – James, Sirius, and Lily – and I – I have – "
He stopped. He did not want to say it out loud. I have a beautiful memory, he thought, which nobody can take away from me. And I would not have had that otherwise.
From behind him, Remus sensed that he was being watched. Cautiously, he turned around.
Standing at the top of the stairs, wrapped in a long black cloak, was Narcissa.
Remus felt his whole body go colder.
"What are you doing up here?" he asked.
She looked at him, stared straight into his eyes, unflinching, unafraid, "I thought you'd be here," she said at last.
Remus looked away, "I suppose James or Lily told you where I was," he returned, not unkindly.
"No," Narcissa said blandly, "I haven't seen either of them in four days."
Neither of them spoke for a moment. Emotion warred inside Remus; he could not decide if he wanted her to come closer or to just go away. Why was she staring at him like that, so calm, so complacent? Why didn't she yell, scream, cry, weep at the injustice that she had fallen in love with a werewolf, blame him for not telling her the truth? Why did she just stand there staring at him?
"Why are you here?" he asked suddenly; he could not bear the silence one minute more.
Narcissa began to take slow steps towards him.
"I came," she replied quietly, "to see if you needed to talk."
"About what?" Remus asked, "There's nothing to talk about."
"You're right," she replied, "There isn't."
"What?" he asked, caught off-guard.
"You're mind is made up," she explained, as calmly as if they were discussing the evening's dinner menu, "You've already decided that you don't want us to be together, and you've also decided that there's nothing I can do to change your mind."
Remus turned his back on her and gripped the stone wall so hard his knuckles turned white.
"It's not safe for you," he muttered, "You ought to understand now – why we can't be together."
"I understand why you think we shouldn't be," Narcissa replied.
Remus exhaled and nodded sharply. "Good," he said, "Then I really have to go – Goodnight, Narcissa."
"Remus!"
She stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned to look back at her.
"I made a decision, too," she said, "That morning, while I was sitting outside the school, before Sirius came and found me. I had twelve hours to sit and wait in the freezing cold. And I think I deserve a chance to explain it before you say your goodbyes."
Remus looked at her. She was standing before him, eyes wide and honest. She was right; she deserved at least that. He nodded slowly.
"I understand what you are – there's no way to sugarcoat it. I understand why you were trying to protect me. I know that you have spent most of your adult life trying to keep your identity a secret from those who might seek to harm you." She took a deep breath, then continued, "But you have to understand me – what I am feeling, and who I really am, because if you did, you would not be making this decision lightly."
Remus was silent.
"Two months ago, you followed me up here on your own accord – nobody asked you to. You continued to speak to me outside of school, in the hallways, whenever you saw me, and I didn't pursue you. When I kissed you, you didn't pull away. I knew you were frightened. I knew that there was something you were keeping from me, possibly something terrible, and I know I probably should have run away, should have let you go right then."
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again.
"But I didn't. You opened up a whole world for me, Remus. You showed me what it was like to have someone care about me, to want what's best for me, to actually and honestly love me for who I am, not for my name or my family or the purity of my blood. You made me laugh and smile and understand what it was like to have hope. You showed me – what it's like to be in love."
Remus tried to speak, but she cut him off.
"I love you, Remus. I've loved you since the first time I held your hand up here two months ago. I've been in love with you this whole time and I never said it, and I should have – another drawback to living a life in fear. You think that the worst thing in the world would be to die, or to be hurt. Well, I know differently, and I know right now, that for me the only thing worse than death and pain would be to let you go without a fight."
"You don't know what you're saying," Remus whispered, "You don't understand – this wasn't a one-time thing, Narcissa, this is every month of my life. Every moment that the moon is full – I am a monster. I don't recognize you. I will kill you, if you are nearby, and that is something I can't bring myself to face."
"I don't care," Narcissa said fiercely, "I don't care about that; I don't care what you are. It doesn't change anything as far as I'm concerned. You are the same person to me that you were last week, before I knew you were a werewolf – There! I said it, I've faced the truth, and I'm not afraid." She stared at him defiantly, her blonde hair a halo in the soft cold wind. Then her expression softened, "I'm not letting you go, Remus. I'm not."
He shook his head. Why were his eyes filling with tears? "Narcissa, I can't face it. If something were to happen to you – if I were to hurt you – I could never live with myself. I would just – just – " He couldn't finish.
She touched his lips, stopping his words, "We will find a way," she whispered, "We will find a way to make this work. I'll break my engagement; I'll never go back to the Malfoys. I'm staying with you no matter what. Because I am not letting you leave me, Remus. I love you too much." A tear like a tiny star fell from her sapphire-blue eyes, down her face, flushed pink with cold.
Remus reached out and touched that tear with one finger, brushing it away, "Don't cry," he murmured, "It breaks my heart to see you in pain." He wrapped his arms around her, unbidden, and she melted into him, holding on tighter than she would normally, he realized. She is afraid, he thought, that I will slip away from her. He felt his resolve weakening. He tilted her pretty face up to look into his eyes.
"Do you understand what you are asking of me?" he asked her slowly, "I want to know that you absolutely know what I am, what I am capable of. What you are suggesting doing is abandoning your family, like your sister Andromeda, for the love of – of a werewolf," his voice caught, "a werewolf who loves you more than anything in the world, but who is not going to do anything you ask unless he makes sure you understand everything fully."
She nodded, her eyes full of tears now, "I understand."
Remus brushed a single blonde lock away from her face and ran his fingers down her cheek. He laughed a little, "I'm glad you do, because I don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't understand any of what's happening right now," he answered, "I feel like I'm in a dream."
She leaned her head against him, wrapped her arms around him.
"I never imagined anyone loving me like you do," he murmured into her blonde hair.
She pulled back a little, looked up at him, smiled, "Yes. I think I know what that feels like.'
He smiled down at her, touched her face, "God, I love you so much," he whispered.
Then, under a sky filled with diamond pinpricks of light, under the half-moon glittering above, without fear or doubt or regret, he bent and kissed her.