The Day of Reckoning - Chapter 6

The stunner blast caught Sheppard completely by surprise and he dropped to the floor, unconscious. Ronon stepped from the shadows and hit his radio. "I need a medical team to the gateroom for Colonel Sheppard."

Ronon knelt beside Sheppard and checked for his pulse. He hadn't really expected there to be a problem, but with Sheppard, stuff seemed to happen. He then went about disarming his CO. Nick arrived with the med team a few minutes later.

"Missing a patient?" asked Ronon.

"Yes, as a matter of fact we are. Carson's going to kill me for letting him get away. What was he doing? Is he injured again?"

Ronon just looked on as they checked Sheppard's vital signs and loaded him onto the gurney. "I stunned him. He was trying to go through the gate."

Nick looked at the man in surprise. "You stunned him?"

"Yeah. Not sure where he was going, but since he locked the control room people in that conference room up there, I didn't think it was a good idea to let him go."

Nick shook his head. "You thought right. How did you find him?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "Just did."

Nick narrowed his eyes. "It's the middle of the night."

"Couldn't sleep."

Nick sighed. Ronon wasn't exactly talkative under the best of circumstances. "You probably better get a hold of Dr. Weir. Looks like I'm stuck calling Carson. He's so going to kill me."

--------------------------------------------------

Beckett finished his exam of Sheppard and looked across the bed to Nick. "Well, I don't think he's done any damage, but he's going to be sore tomorrow."

"Should we be worried that he's not awake yet?" asked Nick.

Beckett sighed. "No, I don't think so. He's just exhausted. He wasn't really recovered enough for all that activity. Thank God Ronon stopped him before he went through the gate."

"Carson, I'm sorry. I just never expected him to try to leave. He never so much as asked when he was getting released, so I wasn't keeping a close eye on him. I should have known better."

Carson shook his head. "It wasn't your fault, son. The way he's been actin', I would have never expected it either. The important thing is that we've got him back safe."

Nick nodded and smiled a little. "Thanks, Carson. I'll get him back into some scrubs."

"Good. And make sure someone stays with him. We don't want him wandering off again."

"Kelly and I have some things to finish, but Courtney can sit with him."

Beckett frowned. "Courtney?"

"Yeah. One of the new nurses that came over on the Daedalus a couple weeks ago. She's mainly been working night shift. Haven't you met her?"

Beckett's frown deepened. "No, and I should have. Has she not attended one of the training sessions? Because that's mandatory."

Nick pursed his lips as he thought. "Well, I'm not sure. I guess I just assumed she had. But I'll speak to her about it and let her know."

"I'm on my way to my office to meet with Elizabeth and Kate. As soon as I'm done with them, I want to see her."

"Okay." Nick turned and headed across the infirmary to get scrubs. He stuck his head in the door of the storeroom where Kelly was arranging drugs on the shelves and checking them against inventory. "I'm going to need you for a few minutes to help me get Colonel Sheppard into some scrubs. Where's Courtney?"

Kelly put the end of the pen to her mouth and chewed absently as she thought. "I think I saw her flirting—I mean checking—on Lt. Hays."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Figures. Hasn't she attended one of Carson's 'Introduction to the Atlantis Infirmary' sessions? He had no idea who she is."

Kelly quit chewing on the pen for a minute. "Well, you didn't hear it from me, but she's been a nurse for ten years and highly doubts that we can teach her anything she doesn't already know. She's seen everything, done everything, and is way too good for the T-shirt."

Nick grinned. "Not your favorite person?"

"Huh! Not by a long shot. I'd rather give Kavanagh a sponge bath than work with her."

"She's not that bad?"

"Oh yes she is. You get a break because you're a doctor. She keeps telling me how I should be doing things even though I've been here almost a year and a half and she's only been here two weeks."

Nick's grin got even bigger. "Okay, okay! I get it. Just help me with the Colonel and you can go back to your inventory. I'll be introducing her to Carson in a bit and that should take her down a notch or two."

"Thank God," Kelly mumbled as she put the clipboard and pen on the counter.

Nick chuckled as he went to look for Courtney. He found her just where Kelly said he would, flirting with the young lieutenant with the broken leg.

"Courtney, can I see you a minute?" asked Nick.

It was hard to tell in the dimmed lights of the nighttime infirmary, but Nick could have sworn he saw her roll her eyes at him. "Yes, doctor." She turned to the patient. "I'll be right back."

Courtney walked over to Nick and crossed her arms. "What?"

"First of all, you don't speak to me in that tone. I may not be the Chief Medical Officer, but I am your superior. Second, I think you have duties to attend to other than bothering Lt. Hays in the middle of the night when he should be sleeping. Colonel Sheppard needs to be changed into scrubs and your assistance is required right now. When we're done, I'll need you to stay with him and make sure he doesn't bolt again. And third, you have somehow managed to avoid Dr. Beckett's introduction, which is mandatory for all new Atlantis Infirmary staff, so he will be seeing you shortly. I'll come relieve you when he's ready."

Courtney seemed to have the decency to be embarrassed. "Sorry, Dr. Strauhan. I'll be right there."

Nick's expression softened a little. "I'll see you at Colonel Sheppard's bed in a minute."

Nick turned and walked away, leaving Courtney to wonder if she should have stayed on Earth.

------------------------------------------

Courtney sat staring at Colonel Sheppard. Her first actual night of duty had been his second day back in Atlantis. Shortly after bragging to the other nurses that she had seen pretty much everything and could no longer be shocked, they had introduced her to their most battered patient. And she had been shocked. She was certain that she had hidden her feelings well, but it had been hard to maintain the façade as she heard more and more stories about the bizarre occurrences in the Pegasus galaxy.

"Pssst." Courtney looked around for the source of the hissing sound. "Pssst, Courtney."

She stood and leaned out around the privacy curtain. Lt. Hays was sitting up in bed, motioning her to come over. She waved and then ducked back inside the cubicle formed by the curtains. The Colonel looked completely out of it. Of course, if she left and he woke up and bolted, she'd really be in trouble. She let her eyes wander over the room as she pondered the situation, and they at last settled on the cabinet beside the bed. She opened the doors and looked in, uncertain of what she was looking for until she saw it—restraints. She could secure him to the bed for a few minutes, and if he just happened to wake up before she got back, he wouldn't be able to go anywhere.

--------------------------------------------

"He hasn't regained consciousness yet, but I don't think it will be long now," said Beckett as he looked from Elizabeth to Kate. "Apparently, he just walked out of the infirmary with no one the wiser for several minutes. Do you know what he was doin'?"

"He picked up weapons at the armory, went to the control room, and asked the men on duty to dial the Genii home world. When they wouldn't do it," Elizabeth sighed and shook her head, "he locked them in the conference room and dialed it himself."

Beckett's eyebrows shot up. "The Genii home world? He just spent four days there being tortured. Why would he want to go back?"

Elizabeth's expression was grim. "According to the techs on duty, he told them he was going to take care of Kolya, and . . . Carson, he told them he probably wouldn't be coming back." She paused a second, taking a deep breath and swallowing hard before continuing. "He told them it was a one way trip."

Beckett's face drooped, and Kate frowned at Elizabeth. "Are you saying that he was prepared to die if necessary, or that he was going there with the intention of dying?"

Elizabeth frowned at the question. "You're not saying you think he wanted to die, are you?"

Kate shrugged. "You know him much better than I do. What do you think?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Not John Sheppard. I can't believe he would ever consider intentionally causing his own death."

Beckett nodded. "I'll have to agree with Elizabeth on this one."

"I hope you're right," said Kate. "But you need to consider the possibility that this is a subconscious decision to die. What I do know about the Colonel from what I've seen so far is that he's a very passionate man who tends to bottle up his emotions and hide them. Tell me, as his friends, how you think he feels about things like waking the wraith, the destruction of the Athosians' village, the death of Colonel Sumner, Ford's escape after contacting the wraith enzyme . . ."

Carson and Elizabeth looked at one another rather glumly. Carson finally said, "He feels responsible."

Kate nodded. "Exactly. Now put that in perspective with what Kolya put him through on that planet. The families of almost seventy men told him to his face how much they hated him and how he had ruined their lives. Many of those were women and children. Now how do you think he feels about having killed those men? I can't even imagine the depth of guilt they could have evoked. That many deaths is hard enough to live with without it becoming personal like that."

-------------------------------------

Sheppard was first aware of the remnant numbness in his hands and feet. Stunner? He must have been out a while for the feeling to have worn down to just his extremities. He'd been in the infirmary since returning from the Genii home world, so how had he encountered a stunner?

The gate. He had been about to go through the gate. He tried to think, but his head was killing him and his muscles were aching with new fury. When he tried to lift his arm, he discovered that he couldn't—they had him in restraints. He bit his lip as his fists clenched and his muscles tensed reflexively.

Just be calm, he told himself. They'll let you out as soon as they know you won't run.

"Doc?" He was immediately aware that his voice hadn't been very loud. It was getting harder to remain still as the memory of his arms shackled above his head and the feelings of helplessness and pain began to invade his thoughts. Still, he tried not to struggle or give in to the panic, knowing it would be futile.

"Doc?" He said it with more force this time, fear beginning to swell within him. "Anybody?" He needed someone to come. He needed to be out of these. He was breathing hard now, almost panting, his heart pounding in his ears and his body thrumming with tension. A bead of sweat ran down the side of his face, creating an itch he couldn't scratch and escalating his panic. He jerked on the restraints. Why wouldn't they come?

"Doc?" He was pretty sure he had screamed it that time and he didn't care. His heart was pounding so hard now that he was wondering if you really could die of fear. I'm in Atlantis, not with the Genii, in Atlantis, in Atlantis . . . but it didn't ease the rising panic. He struggled frantically, unaware of his efforts.

"Carson, please! Get me out of these!"

"Shhh!" Someone rushed to his bedside and reached for the buckles on the restraints.

Courtney shushed him again; he was frantic. "Just calm down, Colonel, and I'll get you right out. There's no need to panic." But she was so nervous and Sheppard was struggling so hard that she couldn't get the buckles undone.

"What's goin' on?" barked Beckett as he entered the cubicle, Dr. Weir and Dr. Heightmeyer on his heels. He stopped short, startled to see Sheppard struggling with restraints. Lines of fear and confusion marked John's pale, sweaty features and he was panting as if he had just sprinted a mile. His fists and jaw were clenched tightly as he struggled to keep control, but it looked to Beckett like he was losing the battle.

"Let him out of those right now!" Beckett snapped, his voice so uncharacteristically harsh that Heightmeyer started at the sound of it.

"I'm trying! He won't stay still!"

Beckett marched over to the bedside and pushed the nurse out of the way. "Well of course he won't be still! You just restrained a torture victim, you daft bugger! What's wrong with you?"

Carson's voice and expression immediately softened as he turned back to Sheppard. "I'm sorry, Colonel. I don't know how this happened." He put his hand on Sheppard's shoulder and leaned in close. "John, I need you to calm down and quit strugglin'. I'm goin' to get you out of these, but I need you to settle down a bit."

Elizabeth had moved to Sheppard's other side and was patting his arm. "We're here, John. Carson's going to get you out of these."

Sheppard calmed a little at the sight of the familiar faces and their soothing voices. He took a deep breath and told himself once again to settle.

Beckett released Sheppard from the restraints in just a few seconds, but the pilot was trembling beneath his touch even after he was freed.

Sheppard eyed him warily while rubbing his wrists. "Why?"

"I'm sorry. That is not what she was told to do. And I'll deal with her later, I promise ya that." Beckett held out his hand. "Can I see yer wrists, Colonel? Make sure ya haven't hurt yerself."

Sheppard watched him another second before tentatively holding one arm out to Beckett.

"Thank you." Beckett smiled at John. "I'll just get you fixed up."

Beckett cleaned and disinfected the area where Sheppard had abraded much of the skin in his struggle, Kate and Elizabeth looking on quietly from the other side of the bed. Sheppard's breathing had eased by the time the doctor had finished, but he was still shaking.

"Colonel, why don't I give you something to help you relax?"

"No! No . . . no more drugs. I need to feel the pain."

"Why?" asked Kate. "Why do you need to feel the pain?"

Sheppard stared at his blanket. "Because I'm tired of being numb. I need to feel something so I don't forget." Before anybody could respond, Sheppard curled up on his side and pulled the blanket up to his chin, resolutely staring off into space.

"Is that part of your punishment . . . that you feel the pain?" asked Kate. When Sheppard ignored her and closed his eyes, Beckett nodded at her and Elizabeth to follow him as he walked away from Sheppard's bed—now was not the time for this.

He stopped Nick on the way back to his office. "Nick, I want you or Kelly to stay with Colonel Sheppard until I get back. Do not let anyone else in there."

Nick's brow furrowed. "Did something happen?"

"That's an understatement. I'll explain later. In the meantime, I don't want that new nurse near any of my patients. She may not be here much longer."

Nick just nodded, deciding that this was not a good time to question the boss.

---------------------------------------

When Beckett returned a few minutes later, he was relieved to see Kelly watching over Sheppard. He talked quietly to her for a few seconds and then she slipped out of the cubicle. When Beckett was alone with the Colonel, he walked over to Sheppard and placed a firm but gentle hand on the man's shoulder.

As soon as Beckett touched him, Sheppard opened his eyes and looked behind him. Seeing it was Beckett, he rolled over onto his back to talk. "Sorry, Doc. Sorry about losing it back there."

Beckett swallowed hard as he noticed the slight flush to Sheppard's face - the pilot was embarrassed. "No, lad. Please don't apologize. You're reaction was perfectly normal. As a matter of fact, I'd be more worried about you if you hadn't reacted as you did. It's me who needs to apologize; that should never have happened and I assure you, it never will again. I am so sorry."

Sheppard's eyes turned to his lap. "It's okay. I just hate being so out of control. And I guess you noticed -I was definitely not in control." Sheppard shivered, remembering the rising sense of panic.

"I came back for two reasons, Colonel. One was to tell you how sorry I am about what happened. The other is to see if I can get you to change your mind about letting me give you something." He could see Sheppard winding up to refuse. "I'm not talking about sedating you. Just a bit of something mild to take the edge off and help you relax. It won't knock you out or leave you groggy."

Sheppard considered Beckett's offer. Although he was tired of being drugged for pain or sleep, he still felt on edge. He just wanted to sleep right now and he knew he would never be able to in his present state. And he trusted Beckett, at least when he was thinking clearly. "Mild? It won't make me sleep?"

"No. It will just help you relax so you can sleep if you want to."

Sheppard sighed. "Okay."

Beckett patted him on the shoulder. "Good. I think you'll be glad you did."

Kelly walked back in the cubicle with a glass of water and a small plastic cup with a pill in it. At Beckett's nod, she handed it to Sheppard. After taking the pill and settling back into the bed, Sheppard looked up at Beckett.

"Thanks, Doc. And don't worry about it. I'll be okay."

Beckett smiled down at Sheppard. "I know you will, lad. Just remember we're here to help you get there."

-------------------------------------------

Sheppard was lying on his side facing a privacy curtain. He wasn't sure how long he'd lain there, dozing in and out, listening to the sounds of the infirmary. The tingly sensation left by the stunner blast had finally dissipated, replaced by aching muscles and the soreness of roughly treated healing wounds. He knew the discomfort would increase as soon as he began to move, so he was delaying it as long as possible.

Someone was in the cubicle with him. Now that he was more awake, he could hear the sound of movement coming from behind him. McKay? He took a deep breath, gritted his teeth, and rolled over onto his back to see Kelly sitting in the chair beside his bed reading reports. She looked up at the sound of his movement.

"Good morning, Colonel. Are you feeling better?"

Sheppard just looked at her for a minute. "Why are you here?"

Kelly shifted in her chair. "Dr. Beckett asked that someone sit with you in case you needed anything. He was pretty worried."

"I'm fine. You can go now."

Kelly looked down at her lap, her fingers rolling the corner of the report she had been reading. "I think I should stay until Dr. Beckett or Dr. Strauhan tells me to go."

"I don't need a babysitter," Sheppard snapped.

Kelly still looked down as she continued to roll and unroll the corner of the paper. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Colonel Sheppard, but I was told to stay here with you and I intend to follow my orders." She figured he would understand when she put it like that, but still, her heart was racing. "Would you like me to send out for some breakfast for you, sir?"

Sheppard turned his eyes from her to the ceiling. "No, I'm not hungry."

"Okay, just let me know if you change your mind. You know where to find me," Kelly tried to smile, but it didn't last.

TBC