CHAPTER 6 – THE NIGHT I CRIED

Harry stood about fifteen meters outside the house looking up at the sky. He was waiting for the whole thing to blow over. Conversation had started to buzz inside the house and he didn't know how long he was out there before someone came to him.

It actually turned out to be someones. Lupin had walked from the house to stand in front of Harry. He was flanked on one side by Hermione who had a stern look on her face in spite of her watering eyes.

Harry now felt trapped. He usually welcomed the advice they gave him but now it felt as if they were here to team up and overpower him. He didn't like to think his friends would do that to him. Hermione was the first one to speak up.

"Oh Harry, why don't you let people help you? Having people there who care about you can only make it better when you have to face him." She seemed under control but Harry, who had known her for seven years, could tell that she was trying to cover up her distress. Harry could feel his temper rise and it felt as if his face was getting hotter with every word she spoke. He knew this was going to happen from the moment Lupin set the meeting the night before.

"Because the prophecy says Harry; just Harry. It doesn't say Harry and Friends, does it?" He tried to keep his voice calm but he almost let loose his anger.

"That doesn't mean that your friends can't help you," Lupin said. Harry was sick of Lupin's words. He had to go through them last night and all he would do was say the same thing over again. But to Harry's surprise Lupin changed the direction of the conversation.

"When I was first bitten I felt alone, Harry. I thought that I would always be alone and could never have a normal life. My temper rose dramatically and I pushed everyone away. Most of my childhood memories consist of me sulking in my room. I couldn't bear the thought of being part human.

"And then I met with Dumbledore, who allowed me to come to his school. At that school I met people who not only weren't afraid of what I was, but actually accepted it. They accepted the danger and stayed with me when it happened. Your father, Sirius, Dumbledore,… and now you, Harry, made me feel like a whole human.

"You see, Harry," it was Hermione's turn to speak, "you don't have to hold it all in. The people that care about you: Me, Lupin, the Weasley's, the whole Order; we accept that we won't know what you're going through, but we will be there to help you deal with it. Literally and figuratively."

Harry was touched at these words from two of his friends. Lupin had never shared with him like that but he was glad that he did. Although he was touched, he still was irritated. Hermione admitted that she didn't know what he was going through but everyone wanted to know. They always asked and he could never tell them because they would never understand. Lupin spoke after a couple of seconds of silence.

"When my family first found out about… me, my father sat me down and told me something that I'll never forget. He said, 'Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.'"

"So this is what life asks of me?" Harry could feel himself losing control. There was a crowd gathered at the door behind him which seemed to spur his anger on to the point that he stopped thinking. His voice rose to a yell and he could feel his body get warmer from the pressure as sweat beaded on his forehead. "Life asked me to have my family murdered? Life asked me to grow up without parents? To live with people who call me 'boy' and hoped that I never came back into their home to disrupt their lives with my presence?" Tears started to fall down Hermione's face. This made Harry even angrier, which he didn't think was possible. He never spoke of his childhood and it came as a shock to all who heard. His throat burned from yelling and when he spoke it came as a hoarse growl.

"I lived in a broom closet under the stairs for ten years. They padlocked it so they could let me out when it was convenient to them. They encouraged their son to beat me up at every opportunity." Hermione was now crying uncontrollably and Harry heard several sniffs behind him. He took a couple steps towards Lupin.

"All my life people have whispered and talked behind my back. I was the target of rumors and accusations from the Ministry of Magic. I was forced to carve 'I will not tell lies' into the back of my hand, over and over and over." He took a couple more steps towards Lupin, showing him the scars on his hand. He could feel tears streaming down his face now but he stopped caring.

"I watched Voldemort return. I fought him. I saw Cedric Diggory die. I saw Sirius die. I saw Dumbledore die. And you all will be next. He will try to kill all of you because of me." Harry was now breathing hard. Everything that had eaten at him when he was alone finally surfaced. He never broke his stare from Lupin.

"Harry, sometimes the world-"

"WHAT IF I WANT TO LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND? WHAT IF I DON'T CARE ANYMORE?" Lupin was now shocked. Harry lost all control of himself. He dropped to his knees, crying. The faces of people he cared about but were no longer with him flashed in front of his eyes. It took him several silent minutes before he could speak again.

"Sometimes I wish it would end. I wish I could see a flash of green light and it would be over with. I sometimes wish that I could give it all back. I would give back all of it so those people could be here. How I would gladly trade my life for theirs in a second." He didn't want to move. He wanted to stay right where he was and hope that everyone would just leave him alone.

He felt Lupin place a hand on his shoulder and he forcibly shrugged it off. Everyone was afraid to move or make any sound at all. He felt someone kneel down in front of him and wrap their arms around him. It was Ginny. She was crying too and he hugged her tight. It calmed him down a little bit.

He stood up, with Ginny still under his arm. Lupin was speechless even though his mouth was open. Harry stared him straight in the eyes before he spoke.

"Those people that died, they died for me. That's why I can't give it back. They made the ultimate sacrifice so that I could go on. Well you know what? That's it. No one else is going to die for me. I'm going after Voldemort for that reason. I'm going to find him and I'm going to kill him. Then, everyone who died, everyone who bled, everyone who suffered will finally be at peace."

Harry and Ginny walked arm in arm back to the house. The people at the door split to let them through. They walked right up the stairs into Harry's room. Ginny helped lay him on the bed and took his glasses off. She said something quietly that he didn't comprehend. As Harry fell asleep he heard her sit down on Ron's bed still sobbing.