I'm terribly sorry about the long delay. I'm afraid I got sidetracked with an Epiphany tag that I had to get out of my head. I'll try to stay on task this time.

The Day of Reckoning – Chapter 11

Elizabeth went back to the beginning of the report for the fourth time. Carson had called nearly an hour ago to ask if he and Kate could come by to talk to her and she hadn't been able to concentrate since. She knew it was about John and she could tell from his tone that it wasn't good.

She looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps to see Kate and Carson enter her office. She stood and offered them chairs, their serious expressions doing nothing to soothe her nerves. When they were all seated, she took a deep breath and began. "I assume you're here to talk about John."

"Aye. Kate and I have been talking and we are agreed that his recovery is not progressing as we'd hoped," said Beckett.

Elizabeth frowned. "I thought he was getting better, that his fever was almost gone."

"It is. But the problem is why he got sick in the first place."

"You said the virus attacked people with depressed immune systems. I thought he got sick because he hadn't recovered from his previous injuries."

Beckett sighed. "There's more truth to that than you know. I'll grant that he probably was still a bit weak from his experiences with the Genii, but I don't feel that was the primary problem. Elizabeth, as near as I can tell, he barely sleeps a few hours a night before he wakes with nightmares. I think the continued stress of repressing his experiences, along with the sleep deprivation, were contributing factors in his weakened immune response. What I'm trying to say is that his deteriorating mental condition is starting to affect his physical health."

Elizabeth looked at Kate. "And you concur?"

Kate nodded. "Yes, I do. He continues to resist therapy. We talk for an hour and when it's over, I still don't know anything. He's boxing everything up and repressing it, and there are two big problems with that. One, he's got a lot of emotional baggage compartmentalized and shoved in the back room already, which doesn't leave much space for anything new. The other problem is the sheer volume of what he's trying to ignore. It's not just the memory of what they put him through, it's also the fear that it could happen again, either to him or to someone he loves. And he's carrying tremendous guilt. I've also come to believe that he's developed an especially intense fear and hatred for Kolya; I think his willingness to sacrifice himself to kill Kolya was born out of that hatred and fear rather than guilt. What Kolya did to you and Dr. McKay disturbs him more than I first thought, and in his mind, Kolya could come back and do it again, or worse."

Carson continued when Kate fell silent. "He's had a couple of bad spells while he's been in the infirmary. He dreams to the point of hallucinatin'. He punched Nick the other day and then today . . . well, we had to knock him to the floor and sedate him. I couldn't get him to come out of it. These incidents are becoming more frequent and more alarmin'."

"He's suffering post traumatic stress disorder," Kate said, "but I think it's also more complicated than that. He's depressed, he can be violent, and he's not dealing with any of it. What happens if an armed John Sheppard hallucinates that some of us are Genii soldiers coming to torture him again? Until he lets us help him, he's a danger to himself and to everyone else in Atlantis."

Elizabeth felt her stomach tighten and her mouth go dry. She was afraid to ask the next question, but she had to. "What are you suggesting?"

Kate took a deep breath, searching for courage. "He needs help, Elizabeth, and he's not getting it from me. He needs someone with more training and experience with torture victims. It's my official recommendation that he be sent back to Earth on the Daedalus's next run for treatment."

Elizabeth wasn't sure what she had expected, but that wasn't it. She sat in shocked silence, trying to let the implications of Kate's suggestion sink in. Her gut response was that there was no way she would send him back to Earth. How could she run Atlantis without him? And yet, how could she run Atlantis with him like he was now?

"Elizabeth," started Kate, "I know this seems harsh. But we have to think of the Colonel right now and I honestly think this is the best thing for him. It may be his only chance at putting this behind him so he can go on with his life."

"It'll kill him," Elizabeth said.

"No," said Kate, "but not sending him home might."

Elizabeth looked up at Beckett, but he was staring at his hands and refused to make eye contact. "Carson, do you agree?"

"I'm not a psychiatrist. I can only tell you that his mental condition has had a negative effect on his physical recovery and that it should not be allowed to continue. Dr. Heightmeyer is the only one qualified to make judgments on the proper course of his mental treatment."

"Have . . . have you told him?"

"No," said Kate. "We thought we should talk to you first."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'll go talk to him. He should hear it from me."

"He's still sedated, so you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I don't think his mind will be clear enough to understand until then," Beckett frowned, shaking his head at the thought.

Elizabeth took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "All right, I'll come by in the morning." That would give her all night to try to figure out how to tell John Sheppard that he was getting shipped back to Earth.

oOo

Elizabeth's stomach rolled as she walked into the infirmary. She was tired and wrung out and pretty sure she hadn't slept more than ten minutes last night. She'd rehearsed what she was going to say a thousand times, but none of it had seemed right. How do you tell someone you've depended on that you're going to ruin their life?

"Hey, Elizabeth. You look lost." She hadn't even realized she was this close to John's bed. He was propped up and eyeing her. "What's wrong?"

She attempted to smile. "Am I that obvious?"

"Yeah, actually, you are. What's up?"

She clasped her hands together and searched for the words. Her job was to figure out how to put things with the least amount of negative twist, but she had nothing this time.

"You're starting to scare me. Just say it."

John's eyes were dark and serious, his brow furrowed, his mouth tense. Waiting for the shoe to drop.

"John, Kate and Carson feel that you haven't made much progress with your mental recovery and that it's having a negative effect on your physical recovery. Kate feels that you need someone with more experience treating problems like the ones you're having."

"Like who?"

"Like military doctors on Earth."

Sheppard could feel a tightening in his chest as his heart rate went up and his breathing increased. "What do you mean on Earth? What are you saying?"

"It's Kate's recommendation that you return to Earth for treatment until you can get past this thing."

Sheppard looked like he'd been shot. The color drained from his face and he was almost panting. "You can't be serious. You told her no, right? I can't go back to Earth."

"John, she feels it's for the best. She said your nightmares are progressing toward hallucinations and getting worse. You have to get help."

"They'll never let me come back! If I go back to Earth under these circumstances, they'll never let me come back . . . I'll get a medical discharge or get sent back to Antarctica. There's nothing for me on Earth, Elizabeth. Nothing. I can't go back there."

She put her hand on his arm to comfort him, but he pulled away and ran his hand through his hair. His eyes were wide and the motion spastic.

"John, you can come back when you're better. I'll insist on it."

He laughed, but it was humorless. "You can't be that naïve. Caldwell will have my job in a heartbeat and there's no way he'll let me back in Atlantis. He'd see it as a threat. If I go back to Earth, I stay there. And that's why I'm not going. You can relieve me of duty and kick me out of Atlantis, but I'm not going back to Earth." As he spoke, Sheppard tossed the covers back and began climbing out of bed.

Elizabeth stood in front of him, blocking his way. "What are you doing? You won't make it ten feet. Lay back down or I'm calling Carson to sedate you again."

Sheppard eyed her, trying to decide if she was bluffing. Just the effort of sitting up already had him feeling shaky, so he decided it didn't really matter if she was serious or not. He wouldn't even make it to the infirmary door before he collapsed. He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

"John, the Daedalus won't be here for another four weeks. Things can change."

"You should have let me go after Kolya. I could have taken care of a problem and died a hero instead of wasting away as a miserable nothing."

She tried to put her hand on his shoulder, but he jerked away and crawled back into bed.

"Just leave me alone. You've said what you came to say," he snapped, and then turned his back to her.

Carson saw Elizabeth leaving and moved toward her, intending to ask how it had gone. But she rushed by him, wiping the tears from her face. He sighed. It must have gone pretty much as he had expected.

oOo

McKay strolled into the infirmary shortly after noon. He'd had a fabulous lunch, finished his project with Radek, and was in a great mood. He wanted to share it with the Colonel.

"Hey, Sheppard. Don't try to act like you're sleeping because I can tell you're awake. Radek and I finally finished that little project I was telling you about earlier, so I thought I'd come dazzle you with our collective genius."

Sheppard continued to lie with his back to McKay. "Colonel? What's up? You aren't sick again, are you?"

McKay stared at Sheppard's back, the continuing silence beginning to worry him. He was just thinking about calling Carson when Sheppard finally spoke.

"She's sending me back to Earth."

McKay stood, his brows drawn and his mouth hanging open for several seconds before he could think of anything to say to that. "Who? Who's sending you back to Earth?"

"Elizabeth."

McKay relaxed and shook his head. "Elizabeth would never do that. Where'd you get a cockamamie idea like that?"

"She told me this morning." Sheppard rolled onto his back to look at McKay. "She's shipping me out on the Daedalus on its next run. I'm history, McKay."

"Don't say that! You're not going anywhere. I'll go talk to her."

Sheppard shook his head. "Won't do any good. I did everything but beg, and I would have done that if I thought it'd make a difference."

"Well . . . I can be pretty annoying when I beg. I'll get her to listen."

"She's not going to change her mind. Heightmeyer has her pretty convinced that I'm a basket case." He paused, his expression sliding from anger to sadness. "Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not fit for duty any more and maybe I can't stay on Atlantis, but I can't go back to Earth, either. I need you to help me."

McKay frowned, confused. "Help you what?"

"Not now, I'm still too weak. But later, before the Daedalus gets here, I need you to help me get out of here. The mainland, maybe. I could stay with the Athosians."

McKay shook his head. "They'd find you and make you go back."

Sheppard scowled. "Yeah, you're probably right. We've got some time. Maybe we could think of a world we've been to where the people might let me live."

"Are you saying you'd rather go live on some strange planet than go back to Earth?"

Sheppard barely hesitated. "Yes."

"Colonel . . . John, that's just sad."

"McKay, as long as I'm in this galaxy, I have hope of returning to Atlantis. The minute I let them send me back to Earth, I'm done. They'll never let me back. It's a miracle they let me come in the first place. Do you really think Caldwell will let Sheppard the psycho back in Atlantis?"

McKay sighed. "Well, just for the record, I've always thought you were a little psycho.But let's not get too hasty. Give me time to think of something. But if it comes down to it . . . I'll help you."

Sheppard smiled, and some of the tension drained from his body. "Thanks, Rodney. I knew you'd have my back."

"Always, Colonel. Now, let me go round up the rest of our team and see what we can come up with." He put his hand on Sheppard's shoulder and gripped it firmly. "Don't do anything stupid. I won't let them send you back."

TBC