The Day of Reckoning – Chapter 13

Sheppard awoke with a start, breathing hard, every muscle tensed. His eyes flew around the darkened room as he struggled to get his bearings; he was in Atlantis, not in the Genii prison cell, and he relaxed back against the pillow. It hadn't been dark when he'd lain down earlier, thinking he would just rest a while before dinner. A quick glance at the clock told him that he'd slept a while, but it was still only 2200, and he knew he was done for the night. He got up and left his quarters, thinking a walk might help to relax him.

His dream had been a mixture of the Genii, wraith attacks, and missions gone wrong, and it left him tense and jumpy. He walked the halls until early morning, when he took a short run to the outskirts of the city. When he returned, he made his way to the jumper bay and sat in the pilot's chair of Jumper One, trying to pull his thoughts together.

oOo

McKay stepped into Elizabeth's office. "Hey Elizabeth, what do you need?"

Elizabeth, pacing with her back to McKay, turned to face him. "I'm glad you're here. I've been talking to some of the night personnel and they tell me that John's been walking the halls since before midnight. He went into the jumper bay about an hour ago. As near as I can tell, he's just sitting in Jumper One. But I think someone should go talk to him, and maybe it should be you."

McKay nodded. "One quick stop and I'm there."

oOo

McKay walked through the open hatch of Jumper One and made his way to the front. Sheppard was sitting in the pilot's chair, his legs stretched out in front of him and his arms crossed. As McKay slid into the copilot's seat and set a cup of coffee on the dash, he realized that Sheppard's eyes were closed.

"Colonel, I brought you some coffee," McKay said has he set his own cup down in front of him.

Sheppard lifted his head and opened his eyes, gazing at the cup before him. "Thanks McKay. How did you know I was here?"

"Oh, a little bird told me. And what are you doing? Planning a trip?"

Sheppard took a sip of coffee. "No, just needed a place to think. I used to sit in my chopper when I was in Afghanistan."

"What are you thinking about?"

Sheppard snorted. "How screwed up I am, what else."

"Well, that's what I'm here to fix. I am the answer man, after all."

Sheppard slid his eyes sideways toward McKay. "I'm not a power generator, McKay. I don't think it's gonna to be that easy."

"How do we know if we don't try?"

Sheppard sighed. "What do you want me to do? I understand about yesterday, and it is a comforting thought to realize I helped all those people. But I still woke up with nightmares and I'm still afraid to go back to sleep."

"This is what you need to do. Talk to me. Why are you afraid to go to sleep?"

"I'm afraid of what will happen in my dreams. Right now, I'm mostly afraid I'll . . . freak out again and hurt someone. It's just so real."

McKay frowned thoughtfully as he sipped his coffee. "What if I sat with you while you slept? I could make sure you don't leave your quarters or hurt anyone, and I'll wake you if it gets too bad."

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't want someone watching me sleep, McKay. I don't need a babysitter."

"No, not a babysitter. A friend helping a friend through a rough patch. You need to let us help you. Shutting everyone out is part of what got you into this mess in the first place. We want to help. Let us in. Trust us."

Sheppard stared out through the window of the jumper. "It's just not easy for me to do that, Rodney."

McKay sighed. "Are you afraid we're going to see that you're human? That we'll think less of you if we see that you hurt and you're afraid, just like the rest of us? Because we won't, Colonel. We know Colonel Sheppard. Why not give us chance to know John Sheppard?"

Sheppard took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm the shaking he felt. He was pretty sure that he'd never been more afraid than he was right now, knowing that the rest of his life depended on his willingness to open up and share with others. He hadn't done that since he was a small child and wasn't even sure he remembered how. Part of him thought he was royally screwed; the rest of him wanted to try.

"All right, McKay. You're on."

McKay grinned and slapped his palm against the arm of the chair. "Great! Let's go."

"Wait a second, McKay. There's something I have to do first. Radio Elizabeth and tell her we're going for a short flight."

McKay hesitated. "I'm not sure she'll go for that right now."

Sheppard ignored him and calmly began prepping for flight. "I'm going up, McKay. You either need to get ready or get off the jumper. It'll be thirty minutes tops. I just need to get in the air for a few minutes before I suffocate."

McKay clicked his radio on. "Elizabeth, it's Rodney. Sheppard and I are going up in the jumper for about thirty minutes."

There was a brief pause. "Rodney, are you sure that's a good idea?" There was no mistaking the double meaning in the question.

"I'm sure. We'll be back in half an hour."

"All right, see you then. Be safe."

McKay nodded at Sheppard as he closed the rear hatch. "We're good to go."

"Thanks. You know, I wish we could turn the inertial dampeners off. I could use a few G's right now."

McKay frowned. "No offense, but I'm glad you can't. I like the dampeners."

Sheppard grinned as they went through the now open canopy of the jumper bay. As they cleared the bay and began to fly in earnest, Sheppard's shoulders relaxed and the stiffness left his body.

They flew in relative silence. McKay sipped his coffee as he watched the pilot lose himself. He knew Sheppard was pushing the jumper, urging it to fly faster and faster, and as they gained speed, the tension in Sheppard's face faded. It wasn't long before the lines around his eyes and mouth were replaced by a look of sheer exhilaration. Sheppard wasn't so much gripping the controls as merging with them, and for a moment, Rodney envied him his skill . . . but just a moment—he'd much rather be a genius than some wild flyboy. Still, he was thrilled at the effect it had on Sheppard.

By the time they landed the jumper, Sheppard didn't look nearly so exhausted, in spite of the fact that he still hadn't slept.

Sheppard deactivated the controls and slumped back in the chair, his eyes half open and a lazy smile on his face.

"Feel better?" asked McKay.

"You have no idea."

McKay returned the smile. "Oh, I think I might. Ready for some rest? Because the bags under your eyes have bags."

"Yeah, actually I am."

"Okay, let me grab my computer and I'll be right there."

oOo

Sheppard tried to pull away from Kolya, only to have the man place his hands firmly on either side of Sheppard's face.

"Colonel! Wake up!"

Sheppard tried to shake his head. Did Kolya just tell him to wake up? He stopped struggling and looked at his enemy, trying to understand.

"John, can you hear me?" It was Rodney. Sheppard was suddenly aware he was lying on the floor, with Rodney . . . straddling him?

"Rodney?"

McKay puffed out a long sigh and nodded, then climbed off Sheppard and sat with his back against the wall. Sheppard pulled himself upright and leaned back against the bed, scrubbing his face with his hand. Both men were breathing hard.

"Crap, I freaked again, didn't I?"

"Not freaked out, exactly. I was able to get you awake this time. It just took a minute, that's all."

Sheppard rested his head on the mattress and closed his eyes. "Why can't I get it together?"

"You will. It's just going to take some time. Hey, you slept almost six hours. That's pretty good, isn't it?"

Sheppard opened his eyes. "Six hours? That is good. I usually get just two or three."

"See? Things are looking up. So, tell me what you dreamed about."

"Kolya, who else?"

"Tell me about it."

"McKay, it was a nightmare. I don't want to talk about it."

McKay leveled a somber frown at him. "You have to talk about it if you expect us to help you, remember? Tell me about the dream. Get everything out in the open and quit trying to act like nothing happened! Something did happen!"

Rodney's sudden switch from touchy-feely voice to angry voice caught Sheppard's attention and held it. Like the last time McKay had ditched the kid gloves and slipped into his usual, antagonistic self, it felt good to Sheppard. It felt normal.

"You were tortured, John—!" When Sheppard winced at that unflinching declaration, Rodney realized how worked up he'd allowed himself to get. He stopped just long enough to think himself the dumbest genius he'd ever met and then continued, much softer this time. "And you've got to look it in the eye and deal with it. Part of that is coming to terms with what's happening to you now."

Released from McKay's steady gaze, Sheppard drew his legs up and rested his forehead on his knees. "I can't do this, McKay," he whispered.

McKay pelted him with a paper wad from the garbage can. "Yes you can. You don't have a choice anymore. Now talk."

Sheppard peered up at Rodney for a moment, made a face at him, and plunked his chin down on his knees. Part of him wanted to hug McKay and part of him wanted to knock his lights out. "I hate you."

"Yeah, yeah, I hate you too, but that's not getting you out of it. Start talking, because I'm not going away. And if you think it's bad now, just remember . . . I haven't even wound up to really annoying yet."

Sheppard sighed . . . and started talking.

oOo

Elizabeth nodded at Rodney as he entered the conference room. He closed the door and sat down between Ronon and Teyla. He noticed that Carson and Kate had also made an appearance.

Not wasting any time, Elizabeth began as soon as Rodney was settled. "We've got a little less than two weeks before the Daedalus gets here. What kind of progress are we making? Kate?"

Kate looked around the table. "I'd really rather wait until I hear from the rest of you before I tell you what I think."

Elizabeth nodded. "Okay. Rodney?"

"He's started talking. It turns out that he was afraid to go to sleep because he was afraid he'd lose it again and hurt someone. Once I got him to admit that, he's let us take turns sitting with him. We wake him up if we need to, but there's a big difference between now and last week. The first night, I had to knock him to the floor and sit on him to wake him up. Last night, he woke himself up and it wasn't nearly so traumatic. He's sleeping longer and better, too."

"Yes, Dr. Weir, I too have noticed an improvement. The Colonel and I have resumed some light stick training. After each session, we talk for a while, and he has started to open up about his experiences during these times. His focus and concentration are beginning to improve as well, which I believe to be a good sign."

Kate nodded. "Yes, that is a good sign. What about you, Ronon?"

"The nightmares don't seem to be as intense. Sheppard and I don't talk much, but we did this morning after our run. I talked about being a runner, and he talked about what Kolya did to him. It's no wonder he wanted to kill the man."

Elizabeth looked at Kate. "You've talked to him this week. What do you think?"

Every eye turned to Kate. "I've met with him every day this week, and while he's not as forthcoming with me as he seems to have been with you, I do see signs of improvement. He doesn't have to talk to me as long as he talks to someone that can help him stand back and look at what happened. And you are all doing that. And I think that if you keep doing what you're doing, we can get him through this."

Elizabeth held her breath. "And?"

Kate smiled. "As long as he continues to make progress, I won't recommend that he return to Earth. He won't get better help than you're giving him here; I obviously underestimated the connection between you all. For what it's worth, I'm glad."

Every face in the room broke out in a big grin.

"Good job, people. Keep doing what you're doing and we'll meet back in a week. And thank you." Elizabeth stood up and headed for the door, feeling like a great weight had been lifted. She was almost giddy with relief as she opened the door, but suddenly stopped as she saw John Sheppard leaning against the side of the console across from the conference room. He straightened when he saw her and took a step forward.

"If you guys are done, I need to speak to you for a minute."

Elizabeth hesitated, still unsettled at finding him waiting outside the door for them to finish. How had he known they were meeting? "Okay, sure. Do you mean me or everyone?"

"Everyone."

Elizabeth nodded, turned, and led the way back into the room. "Everybody? John wants to speak to us for a minute." The group in the room looked as surprised as she felt as they sat back down, glancing at one another almost guiltily.

Sheppard stood beside the table, shifting from one foot to the other and staring down at his hands. "I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I wondered if you're still planning to send me back to Earth? I have something I need to do if you're not."

Elizabeth smiled. "Well, as it turns out, we were just discussing that. Kate is satisfied that you're making good progress. If you continue as you are, she says there's no reason you can't stay. Looks like you're stuck with us a while longer."

Sheppard let out an audible sigh, meeting their gazes one by one. "Thank you. I owe you guys big time for pulling me out of this one."

McKay shook his head. "You weren't listening last week, were you? You don't owe us, it's the other way around."

Elizabeth motioned an empty chair. "Why don't you sit down and tell us what you want to do."

Sheppard realized he'd been fidgeting again. He pulled the chair out a little too fast, sat down, and took a deep breath. "When Kolya took me . . ." Another sigh as he worked out how to proceed. "Well, by the third day of my 'punishment,' as Kolya called it, I was pretty far gone. I don't remember much of that day except wishing someone would just shoot me, but I do remember the last person who came up to me. It was this old lady." Sheppard absently rubbed his index finger back and forth on the table as he spoke, carefully watching its progress. "I waited on her to hurt me or curse me, but she didn't." His hand wandered up to the side of his face and his voice softened, and all the nervous energy was suddenly gone. "She just touched me. Said I'd been punished enough and that she forgave me. And then she asked me to honor her grandson." He looked up at Elizabeth. "I keep thinking about her, and about her grandson, and something occurred to me."

"What?"

"Kolya is crazy, we know that. But most of the people that were killed were just soldiers following orders. As far as they were concerned, they were protecting their home. They weren't necessarily bad people just because they had a bad leader."

"Colonel, what are you saying," asked Kate.

"Okay, first of all, I don't want you to worry about me. I've come to terms with what I did and I know that if I hadn't acted the way I had, Atlantis would probably be in the hands of the Genii right now. I did what I had to do to protect this city and I'd do it again. But those men died serving their people, and they deserve respect. So I want to go back to the Genii home world and construct a memorial for them. I want those people to know that I respect the sacrifice their families made."

Elizabeth just put her head in her hands.

TBC