Chapter 4

I had wanted to go after Sirius, but James advised me to leave him alone. He said that Sirius probably had his reasons. That just made me all the more curious. What did James know that I didn't? I felt a tinge of jealousy. When we got up to the commonroom after the feast, Sirius had been slouched against the fat lady portrait, looking half-asleep. James walked over to him and I could see him mouthing words, but I couldn't hear what they were. He turned to look at Peter and I, "We'll be in later, you guys go on ahead." I arched a brow and studied him questioningly for a bit, but then when into the commonroom. Fine. If James thought he could handle this better, I'd just let him do that.

Sinking into the sofa, I stared at the flames flickering from the fireplace. No matter how crowded the commonroom was, it always felt warm and cozy. I loved being there. As usual, no one bothered me. I couldn't blame them at this point, I'm guessing I didn't look quite approachable. That was unavoidable at the moment. I was upset, and beyond denying it. Does James think that he's the only one that cares about Sirius? I didn't think that even James could be that ignorant.

"Hey." I looked away from the flames and found Lily Evans seating herself beside me on the soda. She was a casual acquaintance, and I was quite sure James fancied her, but I really didn't know her all that well.

"Hey," I replied half-heartedly. I glanced at her hair. She had changed it somehow, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was she had done. Ah yes, I am ever so observant.

"How was your summer?" she asked, sounding actually interested. I could never really be sure whether Lily was always genuinely interested in what people had to say or was just a really good actor.

"Just the usual, jam-packed with pranks and wacky hijinks." A smirk came to her lips as I asid this, and she shook her head softly,

"How you put up with those two I'll never understand."

"Years of practice." I gave her an honest smile. James and Sirius certainly knew how to press the envelope at times. They didn't seem to be affected by normal social order. As much as their antics normally bothered me, I missed it now.

The portrait swung open and Sirius came into the commonroom, heading directly towards the dorms. He looked upset, and on the brink of tears. I met his eyes as he walked past, but he averted them immediately. Before long his footsteps had disappeared up the stairs. Not a minute later James came in through the portrait and swung it shut behind him.

"I've had about enough of this..." James muttered through clenched teeth as he settled into a chair opposite us. Lily looked confused, but didn't say a word. Neither did I. We merely sat in a tense silence, and I went back to watching the flames lick at the stone of the fireplace.

I slammed the door shut hard and leaned back against it. My heartbeat grew slower until it was steady again. Until now it had felt like it was nearly in my throat. I hadn't been prepared for this. I was stupid. My mind just chose to ignore the fact that I couldn't get into the commonroom until the Head Boy or Girl returned, after the feast.

I had expected this of James at some point though, just.. not right now. James was always so quick to anger. I'd seen this side of him too many times before, but always over childish things. This time I had given him a reason. But James was my best friend, shouldn't he be able to make this all better? Tears began to well up in my eyes.

James knew better than the others, however. James knew my family. James shared my hatred for them. But he didn't know everything. There were some things I couldn't even tell James. He said he thought I was being irrational. I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my hand. I wish I could have just said something. I would have defended myself had I knew how. My mouth seems to have forgotten how to form words. I tried to recall the sound of my own voice, but it seemed that even my memories had gone silent. Lips were moving, but nothing was being said.

I think James knew there was something more happening this time, but he was never good at dealing with things he disapproved of. I just hoped he wouldn't do anything stupid, like telling the others. What would Remus and Peter think if they knew my family were Death Eaters? No, James wouldn't do that. As angry as he might be, he wouldn't betray my trust. Just how angry he was I couldn't be sure, but it felt like I had lost him this time.

I walked over to my bed. My trunk was placed carefully on the top of it, and I moved it onto the floor. I was too tired to actually put anything away. Laying down on the thick mattress, I drew the curtains of the four-poster closed. I shut my eyes and let the tears run freely down my cheeks, grateful that I had been able to hold them in until I was away from the others. I wouldn't let them see me cry. Childish as that might be, I wanted to maintain some final dignity.

I'm not sure how long I was lying there before I heard the door open hesitantly. My entire body froze and I held my breath.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice was gentle, coaxing. I sighed and rolled onto my side, letting myself breathe again.

"I know you're in here..." The curtain of my bed was pulled back, and I looked up to meet Remus' concerned amber eyes. Inviting himself to sit down, he took a seat beside me on the bed, his lower back resting against my thighs. It was oddly warm.

His hand moved to wipe the damp streaks from my cheeks and I made no protest, merely shutting my eyes. It didn't shut him out.

"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" There seemed to be some hurt in his voice, and I wanted to console him. I wanted him to console me. But I didn't say anything. I heard him sigh, and then his hand wrapped around mine, slightly moist with my tears. An awkward gesture of comfort. I gave his hand a light squeeze. We sat there like that for what felt like hours, and eventually I drifted into sleep.