((Starting things with Sirius this time, bear with me ;; ))
Chapter 6
The trip to Dumbledore's office was excrutiatingly long. What could he possibly want? I had been here for only a little over a week, and hadn't caused any trouble at all this year. My eyes widened. Had Dumbledore grown suspicious? Did he figure me out? 'Stop being paranoid' I scolded inwardly, and paused at the stone gargoyle that marked the entrance to our destination. Never had I been so nervous to be called to that office.
"Licorice twists" Dumbledore commanded, and the gargoyle moved aside, revealing the familiar door. Through the door was a winding staircase, and I took the stairs two at a time, keeping up with the Headmaster's long strides. I didn't want to get there particularily quickly, but I didn't want to fall behind either. I didn't trust myself to fall behind. I know I'd run.
At the top of the stairs waited an elegant doorway, and Dumbledore held the door open, glimmering knob beneath his curled fingers. Another one of his purely friendly smiles was on his lips, "Come on in, Sirius. You're no stranger here." I assume his words were meant to be consoling. I was beyond the point of reassurance now. Something was going on. This wasn't supposed to be happening, not while I'm still at Hogwarts. Hogwarts was an escape. I walked into his office, sitting at one of the chairs facing his desk. Painfully slowly, Dumbledore walked around the room to his desk. He took his time sinking into the chair behind it, then folded his arms upon the desktop. We both sat silently; Dumbledore staring into my eyes, calculating my movements, while I fidgeted idly with the arm of the chair, avoiding his gaze. It was always like this, though I usually played innocent. Of course, I was usually guilty. Now I was just unsure. 'Just tell me why I'm here...' I demanded wordlessly, as though he could read the words from my mind. It seemed he did.
"I'm not going to try to sugarcoat this for you, I know you're smarter that that." As soon as he said those words, my stomach twisted. I wanted to get out of this office that seemed to be shrinking around me. I wanted James to be here. He'd laugh it off and eventually I would too. Neither of these things were possible now. I bit my lip as he continued, "You seem to be showing a better focus on your schoolwork this year, and you've yet to terrorize any innocent students, yet your father wants you to be sent home. It appears that he thinks you need homeschooling."
If my exterior was any reflection of my interior, Dumbledore didn't notice it. He merely sat there watching me, like I wasn't screaming inside. "I understand that this is quite sudden, as you have been in school for less than two whole weeks, and that you are deep into your schoolwork, so your father agreed to give you until next weekend to finish things up here. Your curriculum will be finished at home," he continued, each word slicing through me.
I nodded continually, hoping Dumbledore in his infinite wisdom would take a hint and dismiss me. No such luck. "I know something is going on, Sirius, but I can't help you if you don't cooperate." 'Let me leave...' my mind begged, naively thinking I might get lucky again and the man would pick up my thoughts. Dumbledore looked genuinely disappointed at my stubborn silence, but it felt as though he were going to keep me there until I decided to tell him something. I watched him hopefully once he turned his penetrating gaze away from me; he looked as though he were devising some obligatory plan. This was not something that comforted me in any sense of the word. I just wanted to get out quicker.
"You may leave now, Mr. Black." The sudden words were cheerful again, as though the whole encounter had been something pleasant for both participants. Once again I was uneasy. Nonetheless, I quickly took the oppurtunity to leave. Blind to the world, I raced down the winding staircase and the empty hall, past numberless doors and portraits, and into an empty classroom. My initial thought was of the luring strip of metal in my pocket, but that was not what I wanted. Clenching my hands tightly into fists, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Before I realized what was happening I let out the loudest scream I could muster, indifferent as to whether I could be heard.
It was not a scream of fear, or a cry for help. It's something I couldn't quite explain to myself. In some sense I guess it was my best attempt at defiance. If so, perhaps I was truely becoming the pathetic being my father seems to have pegged me as.
Once again Sirius had gone missing for a curious amount of time, only this time he hadn't returned looking satisfied. Upon his return he had went straight to bed, where, according to James, "the little wanker cried something awful". This news was unsettling, and so I had sat in the commonroom nervously pondering the situation to myself as the other students slowly filed away into the dorms. It had been quiet then; two third years played chess without as much as a word in the corner, and a seventh year studied some large text as she huddled next to the fireplace. The commonroom always grew silent at a certain hour, it was nice. Picking up on this, Sirius had returned to the room which seemed oddly changed, curling up in one of the cushioned window seats. My eyes wandered over to him then, and my gaze had remained there. Now I was beginning to feel a tad creepy. I forced myself to look away from him as I so often found myself doing as of late, and pretended to be interested in my finely scrubbed nails. Rumors had circulated regarding Sirius' disappearance quickly. One girl claimed to have heard a pained scream echoing from the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, another had seen him looking exhausted and sweating. I needed to know what happened, and I wanted to hear it from Sirius. The prospect was unlikely. I'd just end up bitter and frustrated like James. 'Leave him alone'.
Ten minutes later I concluded that was easier said than done.
I looked back over at Sirius, sitting beneath the window. He was sitting in a somewhat fetal position: back against the wall, knees brought up fairly close to his chest. A book lay at his feet, the one he had been reading previously. Typical of Sirius to lose interest so quickly. His snow-like skin seemed luminous under the moonlight, and the raven black hair hanging down his back and about his face seemed to tint blue. He was a perfect vision, certain qualities seemed to stand out more to me than they had before. His high cheekbones. His frail figure. His full, pouting lips. He was hauntingly beautiful. 'Give it up, you don't like boys' I reminded myself desperately. Yet I was feeling longing towards Sirius that extended beyond late night discussion. 'It's understandable, you just miss your friend.'
Gathering my courage, I got up from my isolated spot on the sofa and attempted my best casual approach towards Sirius. I picked up the book resting beside his bare feet and read the title to myself. 'The Old Man and the Sea'. Some piece of muggle literature. "Not too interesting?" I questioned, and his shoulders gave a weak shrug. I put the book back down and was surprised to see Sirius shifting over in his seat, pressing closer to the window to leave just enough space beside him for another person. For a moment I just stood and stared at him. Was this an invitation to sit next to him or a sign that he wanted me to go away? Hoping he had extended an invitation for me to join ihm, I seized my chance and sat beside him in a position similar to his. I was pleased to find that I could fit, though not too comfortably. He looked at me with a somewhat amused expression, but even then he still looked pitifully sad.
"What's happened to you?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. I kept my voice soft, friendly, like he was some whimpering puppy I was trying to coax into my arms. It was so oddly like reality that I had to struggle to hold back a small giggle, as I imagined a small, wet, whimpering puppy Padfoot. The look on his face in response to my inquisition was tired and reluctant. He'd probably been trying to answer that question himself. I sighed heavily and stared out the window, admiring the shining specks of gold scattered across the sky. The stars were so out of reach. You could watch them your entire life and never get any closer to them. I didn't want that to happen to Sirius. I glanced over to him to find that he was still looking at me, watching me liked I was some caged animal. Something inside me took control then, and I didn't bother to resist it at all. Leaning my head closer to his, I closed my eyes and then brought my lips to his in a sudden gesture that surprised me as much as I'm sure it surprised him. His lips were soft, silky, and much to my surprise, moving against mine. My toungue slipped past my lips and parted his gently, and I found Sirius's hand clasping my own. His toungue brushed against mine roughtly and all of a sudden I felt dizzy. I broke away from the kiss reluctantly, pressing my hands to my forehead as I rested back against the wall.
"I'm sorry," I stammered, unable to meet his eyes. His hands fidgeted at some string hanging from the bottom of his pants and I knew he was uncomfortable. I got up and rushed up the stairs, not caring whether anyone else in the room had taken notice of me, or taken notice of us.