Chapter 10

When I could see that I was crossing the line, I retreated from the depths of Sirius' mind, despite my continued curiosity. The more I saw, the more I wanted to know. I was sure that if I didn't stop when I did I'd never be able to.

"Very nice, Mr. Lupin!" the voice drew me from my thoughts and back to the classroom. I looked up at the Professor who was grinning broadly, "It's too bad that we're not practicing Legilimency, you would have gotten a perfect score for that one!" I forced a weak smile and avoided Sirius' eye.

"But as for what we are practicing," Professor Almasy continued, "you might want to work on your Occlumency, Mr. Black." He patted Sirius on the back, not noticing the look of distressed defeat on the boy's face, and walked off to see how the others were doing. I felt sick. I shouldn't have done that. We weren't supposed to go that far. I forced myself to look Sirius in the eye and found it hard to maintain my gaze. The hurt I found there was impossible to ignore. But I had gotten what I wanted. I knew much more than I had hopes for, and what I had seen was only just beginning to sort itself out in my mind.

"Back to your seats, that's enough for one day. I advise that you all work on this some more over the weekend." The class settled back into their places quickly and watched as homework was jotted down on the board. Classes were over for the weekend in a few minutes. They wouldn't pass quickly enough. I could feel how tense Sirius was just from sitting beside him. Dumbledore, or at least the memory of Dumbledore, seemed to have been saying that Sirius would be leaving. But why? It didn't make sense to pull someone out of Hogwarts in their sixth year. Pieced with the image of an arm burned with the Dark Mark, however, I could form some sort of logic regarding it. Whose arm had that been, anyway? It was too dark to have been Sirius'. So many more questions were begging to be answered. The bloody arm in the dungeon, that one had definitely belonged to Sirius. A dizzying sickness struck me. There was so much I didn't know and hadn't suspected. Why would he burden himself with keeping this all to himself?

Class was dismissed and Sirius bolted up out of his seat and towards the door, just as I had expected him to. I grabbed my things and followed him, only managing the task by taking impossibly long strides. He attempted to dodge me and ducked into the boy's bathroom. He was never too good at this. I went into the bathroom shortly after him, doing my best to keep silent. He knew I was there, I could tell, but I figured making my presence obvious was not the best idea. He was hiding in one of the stalls, and making a lucky guess, I pushed open the door of the second-last one. The rest seemed to be empty. Sirius sat almost lifelessly atop the toilet, legs nimbly positioned beneath him. His arms were folded close to his stomach and he was bent forward over them, as though he feared he might be sick.

"I'm sorry" was all I could manage after staring blankly for a few awkward moments of silence. No response came from him. Was I expecting otherwise at this point? No. I was growing irritated with this behavior. Why was he still hiding from me when he knew fully well what I had seen? I reached forward and in a rough gesture wrenched one of his arms out from beneath him, pulling it towards me. His sleeve, insanely large considering his size, fell back almost immediately. The exposed skin showed just what I knew would be there, but actually seeing it nauseated me. Still clasping his wrist, the fingertips of my other hand traced gently along the deep wounds that were unmistakably self-inflicted.

"What the hell were you thinking!" I heard myself shouting, though I hadn't intended to say anything, especially not so angrily. He stared at me wearily, debating something that seemed to be causing him some degree of pain. I felt bad for jumping at him and pulled him close to myself, holding him to my chest and whispering apologies into his ear. What had I started?

"I… I don't want to…"

Before I had even realized it, I'd broken my vow. What use had silence been to me all this time? It seemed to only further separate me from the people I cared about. On the other hand, it further separated me from the truth.

Remus was silent and I wasn't sure whether he had heard me or not, as my voice had certainly lost a great deal of its former strength. It sounded near pubescent, threatening to break when reaching any point of passion. The need to get this all out was overwhelming. "I don't want to go home," I tried again, "not to him anyway, not to that monster…" I could feel the thumping of his heart against my body, the constant repetition of "I'm sorry" mixed with hot breath on my ear. Perhaps he had heard me. Maybe he just wanted something else right now. I looked up to find a look in his eyes that was alien and strange but comforting all at once. There was rage and dominance, but also a tenderness that only Remus could show at a time like this.

"What do you want?" I asked earnestly, trying my hardest to keep the question from sounding bitter. I honestly had no idea what to be doing or if now was the time for reassurances and consoling.

"When do you have to leave? Are you… are you actually going?"

His questions were sudden and required a hesitation to sort out possible answers. I wasn't sure how much I could disclose without pushing the envelope further than I already had. I wouldn't be able to keep from father the fact that someone else was aware of so much, even if I hadn't actually said anything myself. I just hoped the conversation wouldn't arise between us.

"… In about a week. Next weekend I'll be going home. I don't know when exactly… I can't see a way of getting out of it…"

I tried my hardest to keep my tone consistent, daring it to betray that I was actually quite upset over this. I could see where this series of questioning was going, and it was a path I wasn't eager to pursue, at least now right now.

"But… why?"

I ignored his question and merely pressed myself closer to his frail frame, which was radiating an alluring heat. A heavy sigh heaved from his chest and he had given up. I was sure he'd start again later. For now I was content to sit in the bathroom stall, reveling in the imaginary safety net my mind was weaving with each passing second.

In all actuality, I couldn't really answer his last question. Sure, I knew what father intended to use me for, and exactly what I'd be subjected to, but why he was doing it now and why he chose to do it after I had already started this year at school remained somewhat of a mystery, one I wasn't so sure I wanted to solve. More than likely something had arisen that caused his plans to be moved to a nearer date, or he just wanted to screw things up for me. Either way, the outlook was increasingly bleak for the future.