I own nothing but my plotline, and that includes money, so don't sue. You'll get nothing out of it.
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THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
Chapter 6: The Turning of the Traitor, Part II
By: nakigoe-chan
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When the body sinks into death, the essence of man is
revealed. Man is a knot, a web, a mesh into which relationships are tied. Only
those relationships matter. The body is an old crock that nobody will miss. I
have never known a man to think of himself when dying. Never.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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I dropped the gunblade.
How dare he? How dare he?
The safety in confessing my feelings of guilt to Seifer lay with the fact that there was no way he was less guilty than I was. If I had told anyone else, my confession might have sparked suspicion. Telling Seifer was plausible because he had helped Ultimecia, and I had fought against them, and she had killed Squall. I hadn't been lying when I told Seifer that I didn't understand my guilt; everything seemed so black and white, so good guy/bad guy. How dare he?
I burst into tears.
I forgot that I was short and skinny and helpless. I forgot that Seifer had the skills of a SeeD, even if he'd never managed to shape up his act enough for the title to be made legit. I forgot that he was the archrival of the greatest warrior I'd ever known. All I knew was I had trusted him, he had thrown it in my face, and I was going to kick his miserable (though admittedly very attractive) ass into next month.
"Geez, Rinoa, cut that out." Seifer was never a sap for crying girls; but then again, this situation seemed immensely more grave.
I crouched on the ground, grasping though the dirt. My hand landed on a rock, and I heaved it at the Seifer-shaped blur through my tears. I was rewarded with a yelp of pain, and I immediately felt around for more ammo.
"Rinoa..."
A stick. Yes!
"Ow! Rinoa, cut it out!"
Another rock. I had stopped crying; throwing rocks at Seifer was, for some reason, making me feel immensely better.
"Yowch! Rinoa, come on, listen to me..."
Lionheart. Score!
"Oh, no you don't." I felt his foot land on the blade. And I burst into tears once again at that action; it was as if he was finding entertainment in pulling the wings off butterflies.
I leapt up and dove towards him, my nails raking at his face.
He caught both my wrists, then transferred them both to his right hand and held me helpless. I kicked him as hard as I could in the shin. Twice.
He slapped me full across the face.
I was so shocked that I stopped crying and just stared at him, wide-eyed and breathless and pale.
He stared calmly back at me. "Take a deep breath, okay?"
"You bastard," I hissed, furious with him and highly frustrated that he had beaten me so effortlessly.
"Oh, relax. You don't even know what I meant."
"You said his death was all my fault."
"Did not."
"So who is at fault?"
"Who isn't?"
Oh, bloody hell. Was Seifer going to be philosophical? I looked up and around, checking to make sure that the sky was still blue and that there were no flying pigs or tap-dancing monkeys. Then I looked back at Seifer. "Will you please let go of my wrists?" I asked, as politely as I could.
"Are you going to get violent again?"
"No."
He let me go and I promptly punched him in the eye.
"That's how it's done," I told him. "Remember? Slapping is an overused cliché."
He glared at me, and I punched him again. "And that's for slapping me in the first place."
"I can see why you and Quistis became such fast friends," Seifer said. "You're both psycho homicidal maniacs."
"We may be psycho, but at least we don't look it, which is more than you can say." Granted Seifer was hot, but the ripped trench coat with the black crosses on it was not earning him big points in the 'I Look Sane' competition. Still, what I'd said wasn't entirely true; the trademark outfits worn by Quistis and I - her red and black ensemble and my long blue angel-wing overcoat - weren't exactly in prime condition either. We all looked psycho. We matched. We could be a crime-fighting team! Okay, I thought, I am quite obviously very stressed out.
Seifer rolled his eyes at this, and I punched him again. "And that is for stepping on Lionheart."
"Somebody really needs to prescribe some medication for you."
"I hate your guts." I said. "Just thought you should know."
"I kinda suspected you did," Seifer said, but to my surprise he actually looked slightly melancholy at the thought.
"So what were you talking about?"
Seifer shrugged. "There are loads of things and people that got Squall...uh, where he is today. If Cid hadn't taken him to SeeD he'd be safe. If Ellone had been normal - or even if she'd decided to mess with someone else's head - he'd be safe. If Laguna hadn't left Raine he'd be safe. If Raine hadn't died he'd be safe. If Quistis hadn't taught him so well, he wouldn't have been made Commander, and he'd be safe. If any other SeeD had been chosen to go help the Forest Owls he'd be safe. If, during any one of the hundreds of sparring sessions I had with him, I'd hurt him or crippled him, he couldn't have been a SeeD, and he'd be safe. If you and I had never met he'd be safe. If you'd never danced with him, he'd be safe."
And he was right.
"You saw me dancing with him?"
"You could say that. I saw you on that dance floor with him, needing all of four minutes to become the most important person in his life."
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"Do you know someone named Julia Caraway?" Squall asked.
{Julia was sent to try to send you to help Rinoa before you walked through the Gates of the Light.}
"You were expecting me?" Squall wasn't sure how he felt about this.
{Coincidences had been piling up; history was being taken off course. It was not unlikely that you would die. This has happened once before. If the Child of the Silent Planet awakens...well, it must be prevented. This is what Ultimecia seeks.}
"Ultimecia..." Squall remembered her, vaguely. "She was..."
[the blood]
[pain, there was so much pain, and there was so much blood]
[how could he have had that much blood in him?]
[how was he still conscious, with all that pain?]
[he could feel his heart against his chest, as it grew weaker, more erratic...]
[Rinoa, he had to save Rinoa...]
He snapped back to where he was, and stared at the sad-eyed boy before him. "How did I die?"
The boy met his gaze. {You will remember, eventually. It will come to you slowly, and it will be better that way. If I told you then you would remember all at once.}
"And that would be bad?"
{I have witnessed many deaths, over centuries.} The boy said simply. {Ultimecia is one of the more gruesome and creative killers I have seen, and she outdid herself with you.}
Squall digested this, then moved on to the question he knew to be the most important, though he had no distinct memory of why. "Did I save Rinoa?"
The boy was a long while in answering. {You saved her life,} he told Squall, {but that is not necessarily a good thing. The world you inhabited is not a pleasant place to still be alive in right now.}
"The world I inhabited?" Squall almost rolled his eyes. "As opposed to the dozen or so other worlds?"
{No,} was the response. {As opposed to the hundreds of other worlds.}
"There are other worlds?"
{Of course. They are consistently being created and destroyed. The problem right now is that Ultimecia, if she succeeds - and without your help she certainly will - will have, and exercise, the power to wipe out all of those worlds...including the one we're in now.}
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Oh, I remembered that night. That had been a magical night; I had known it would be when I saw that shooting star. And then I'd looked down and caught the eye of the tall dark stranger everyone was studiously avoiding, and I saw something in him that sent a wild shiver down my spine. I don't believe in love at first sight - beauty is only skin-deep, and loving relationships are much more meaningful when you know and love a person inside and out. But there was something special about him, and I suddenly, desperately needed to find out what it was.
I had come looking for Cid, but I had suspected that Seifer would be there. In honor of the second fact, I'd worn a fantastic dress - short clingy cream cloth that felt weightless and looked stunning. I was a wild child, a tomboy. I'd never thought much of my appearance and I'd never really cared. But that night I'd felt beautiful. I was Cinderella, alone as I entered the ballroom but destined to meet my prince among the nameless faces.
Prince Charming just wasn't who I thought he'd be. I chose Squall over Seifer. Seifer couldn't know me - or love me - the way Squall did, but in the end, Seifer couldn't hurt me the way Squall unintentionally had. Squall left me behind, and it destroyed me.
Unlike Cinderella, I was to be denied my happily-ever-after.
But I wouldn't trade that night for anything, despite the misery its aftereffects would later bring me. The memory itself, so simple, still held such faded promise.
"You're the best-looking guy here. Dance with me?"
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"I don't understand. I thought this was the land of the dead, not an alternate world."
{It is both. This place is a crossroads of sorts; souls from every world come here when they die. Essentially, this is the world Ultimecia most seeks to destroy, because even the strongest weapon - the strongest magic - can only destroy one world. But this one is the world that holds all others together; destroy it, and every world unravels and is gone.}
"So that's why the garden isn't safe."
{Yes.}
"But it still doesn't explain Julia. I mean, she told me I couldn't walk through the Gates of the Light because I had to go on this mission, but I did, and I'm going to wind up going on this mission anyhow."
The boy looked away, as if he couldn't bear to meet Squall's gaze. {You only live once,} he said softly. {The Gates of the Light know this. They were created before the Gate of Shadows, so to them, there are no circumstances - no reasons - to need to allow someone through twice. So they don't.}
Squall looked out across the garden. If he left this place...
The boy's voice followed him, almost defiant in its tone, but still somehow sympathetic. And Squall wondered: did this boy have sympathy for everyone who died before his or her time? How on earth did he manage it?
{If you thought that you'd be rewarded for this, for all you'll go through - and believe me, you'll go through hell - you thought wrong. If you thought life was unfair, it just goes to show that you've never had to play with the hand that death deals out. You won't get anything else out of this - it's called a sacrifice because it is one. You won't get your life back; you won't see Rinoa again. You walk through the second set of the Gates of the Light to the final resting place, I guarantee you'll be happy. You might even see Rinoa again, once she comes, though she won't be able to see you. But walk through the Gate of Shadows, and you'll end up alone, quite possibly in the place that in your world is referred to as Hell.)
Squall looked back at the boy, who was staring at him with those miserable golden eyes once again.
{Julia was sent to save you. Julia was sent to make sure you could, someday, walk through the Gates of the Light and stay within them, by sending you on your journey before you entered them. You were just too stubborn to listen to her. She begged to be sent. We've tried to warn people with tasks away from the Gates before, and it's never worked. Not once. But she gave everything for the chance to try, because you loved her daughter.}
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"You remember that night?"
"How could I forget? You looked killer in that dress."
"That dress was originally worn for you, you know."
He gave me a wry, almost bitter (but surely I was imagining things?) smile. "But it wound up killing whatever relationship we might have had, didn't it?"
"It wasn't the dress that got to him."
"Couldn't have hurt."
We were silent for a moment, and I tried again. Despite the fact that I no longer loved Seifer, I was curious to know how he had felt about me, that lifetime ago before the war with Ultimecia.
"Why didn't you cut in on that dance?"
He considered this for a moment. "I was going to," he said. "But I wanted to see Leonhart dance. He was always so socially inept. So I watched you trying to teach him to dance." He snickered sadly to himself. "He sucked at it. All the people around you two were graceful, and it was obvious that you were a good dancer, too, but he couldn't dance worth shit."
I glowered at him, and he rushed on.
"He knew it, you know? So he tried to leave, after you crashed into those people. And you wouldn't let him. You just yanked him back on the floor and gave him this look that said: don't you dare leave; I know you can do this. I have faith in you. There was more faith in your eyes when you looked at him after knowing him for three minutes than there ever was when you looked at me. And then, after that moment, you two just clicked. You were suddenly the best pair on the floor. And then you came together, and the fireworks went off, and I had never been so jealous. Not only because he had you, but because what he had with you - in no time at all - was so perfect. You weren't in love then; it doesn't happen that fast. But there was so much promise."
I squeezed my eyes shut so he wouldn't see my tears as I remembered. I'll be waiting for you. I promise...
"You were in love with him by the time I saw you again. I had challenged Edea at first in a desperate attempt to get you back - I thought that if I had you, I had that promise. But it was Ultimecia, and suddenly no promises mattered anymore, once she was inside my head. But she lost control of me for an instant as Squall went over the edge of the balcony with the ice dagger through his shoulder. And I knew from the way you were screaming his name that the promise was tied to him, and he'd kicked my ass in the game of Big Things in Life once again."
That explained his earlier comment better than when I had asked him to clarify, and I wasn't going to let him get away with pretending this wasn't the real answer. "So, in the end, it really was about me."
Seifer did that sad-laugh thing again. "I suppose you could say that. You're the reason both Squall and I did what we did. You make men want to be heroes - not to show off, but just to be worth something."
He was right, I thought bitterly. Damn him. "And look where it got Squall. Look where it got you."
"You'd be surprised where it got me. I was totally obnoxious - "
"You're still obnoxious."
"Well, yeah, sure, but I'm not malicious obnoxious. I may be smug and self-centered, but..."
"But?"
"I feel like...I'm a better person. Like I want to be a better person."
"And this is because of me?"
"In some sense, I suppose. Mostly this is because of me. Mostly this is because I love you."
My heart caught in my throat.
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"It isn't even really a choice, you know." Squall said.
The boy raised a snow-white eyebrow.
"If I go, I may save the world but I wind up in Hell. If I stay, I'm happy for a bit then Ultimecia destroys the world and I wind up in Hell anyway."
{That's one way to look at the situation, I suppose.}
"I really don't see any other sensible ways, do you?"
The boy smiled slightly for the first time and his whole face changed. {Does this mean you will help?}
"I..."
{You still don't really understand the risks. How can you accept the torment in store for you? Are you are so aware of this girl you don't even remember? Or are you merely indifferent to pain, as long as you know what is expected of you?}
Squall thought over the million and a half responses he could make to the boy's outburst, and chose the one that had by far been his favorite in life.
"Whatever."
The boy looked ready to explode with frustration, and Squall had to restrain his laughter.
"I'll go. Can't you just leave it at that?"
The boy looked as if he would much rather not leave it at that, but Squall kept talking. "This mission...what is it? Where do I go, what do I do?"
The boy stared at him silently for a moment, then, sounding like a cranky child, said firmly, {I can't tell you.}
Squall threw up his hands. "Why not?"
{There are beings loyal to Ultimecia in many worlds, including this one. They live in the In-Between, in the places beyond, even in the Gate of Shadows. If you knew, you might give it away in the Gate, and then all would be lost.}
Squall wondered idly if there was anything anyone did in this world that didn't lead to all being lost.
"So how do I fix things if you won't tell me how?"
{I will be your guide. I do not have to travel through the Gates, so I will meet you in the In-Between outside of where the Gate of Shadows ends, and I will accompany you through your journey.}
Oh boy, Squall thought. This is going to be fun.
"So I get to do the hard part by myself, but then you come along to give me directions?"
The boy glowered at him. {Getting through the Gate of Shadows will not be the most difficult part of your journey.}
"Why are you doing this - why are you coming along? What's in this journey for you?"
Squall hadn't expected to get an answer out of the boy - he figured it was some sort of heavenly duty or something - but to his surprise the boy looked away and said softly, {My business is my own.}
Squall raised his eyebrows.
{If you are prepared, then,} the boy said, {I will guide you to the Gate of Shadows. And may whatever higher power you might believe in be with you.}
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END OF PART SIX (Please tell me what you thought! Review or email me at nakigoe_chan@hotmail.com. I respond to all emails.)
In The Gate of Shadows: Rinoa and Seifer continue their talk, Squall enters the Gate of Shadows, and Ultimecia's ex-knight is recruited for a little journey. Want to know how the chapter's coming along? Spoilers and story status will be posted in my livejournal: . Got a livejournal? Put me on your friends list! Talk to me! I know no one, except Sabrina (who helped me set it up) and Freshling (who wants to take over the world).
Author's Notes (also popularly known as 'The Dying of the Light is trashed by Irvine and Selphie!')
Selphie: Oh NO! How could she do that to Squally-poo? We must destroy her!
Irvine: I'm going to destroy YOU if you call him Squally-poo again. And if Squall finds out you called him that, you will suffer a worse fate then it looks as if he will.
Selphie: ...jealous?
Irvine: Somehow Irviney-poo is even worse.
Selphie: Oh, I can think of worse than Irviney-poo. Lagunay-poo, for example.
Irvine: ...
Selphie: The point is, we must destroy her.
Irvine: My gripe is as follows: what's with that Seifer-loves-Rinoa twist?
Selphie: Well, they did date. And she used to love him. Why can't he love her? Just 'cause she's found someone new doesn't mean he has.
Irvine: Yeah, but I thought that this was Rinoa/Squall, Seifer/Quistis.
Selphie: This fic is just beginning. She has plenty of time. Seifer has to get over Rinoa, as opposed to just suddenly switching gears for no reason.
Irvine: But it WILL be Sq/R, Se/Q?
Selphie: I assume so. She made no guarantees, remember?
Irvine: But the story summaries never lie.
Selphie: Well, there you go.
Irvine: What happened to Zell?
Selphie: Oh! I forgot! He's waiting for me at the motel!
Irvine: Please tell me you're joking.
Review Responses:
To Everybody:
(1) I've gotten a lot of guesses. Rinoa is Ultimecia, Rinoa is Kaolinite, Ultimecia is Kaolinite, Rinoa is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ultimecia is Strohm Thurmond, Kaolinite is a moogle, etc. I've said it before and I'll say it again: guess all you want, I will tell you nothing.
(2) Quistis's speech. Okay, spoiler time: Quistis will remain mute for a LONG TIME. Throughout most of the fic, in fact. She will regain her speech, and I know exactly when, where, why, and how it will happen, I know what she'll say, and I know the circumstances under which she will say it. But it won't be for awhile. It makes her harder to write, but I think it adds and interesting element to her relationship with Seifer, who is notorious for using his mouth too often and without thinking.
(3) Squall's current status (I tend to get a lot of 'I hope you bring him back!'). Well, he's dead, and the state he will be in at the end of the fic will be determined by the fic's ending. Dead or alive, Heaven or Hell, happy or miserable – wait and see.
(4) No more comments on my review status. I'm sticking with this one, and I'm not complaining anymore. DotL is not AY. I write what I feel like writing, and right now that's DotL. It may switch back to AY soon; it may not. But reviews are no longer an issue.
Now to the individuals:
Aries: Arigatou! I'm very flattered. And I will definitely finish it...I've already written part of the ending.
Dee-whY-Cee-aRe: Yay! You're back! I was afraid that you'd read the chapters for your favorite character (Seifer, obviously) hated them, and decided to never read the fic again. ^_^;;
Vick330:it's always very flattering to have someone who doesn't usually like this kind of story say that they're enjoying DotL. Thank you for the compliments on style, tone, and flow. I had a little trouble figuring out where and when to bring Seifer in, so I'm glad you thought it was well done. As for Lionheart – yup, mucho later significance. Though I originally thought that it would just be cute to have Rinoa use Squall's gunblade.
Josh: Wow...I'm sensing an enthusiastic Squall fan. Did you know that he wasn't originally going to be in the story at all (or almost)? Don't worry about seeing more of him; he's my favorite character, and at this point, essential to the plot. Yes, the story is Squinoa and Seiftis, despite the ending of this chapter. I have 25-30 chapters MINIMUM to bring this together (though it looks as if it'll be longer) and I AM sticking with it, at least for right now. I have lots of fanfiction interests, and I'm rather fickle. (Besides…if the AY fans can wait six months, can't you? ^_^) And I really don't update all that fast – about once every two weeks.
Golden flame: glad you like the flashback thing – lots of people are like, 'we don't need to hear about this kid!' And I'm looking forward to talking to you too, though the time difference is an issue. ^_^
Ethrial: Arigatou! I try to be different, but I'm always glad to hear that I'm different in a good way. ^_^
Yuko: Thanks! (I think that because I'm insecure in general...and my writing is very important to me.)
Angelprinczess29: I'm glad you thought my characters were well done; that's pretty hard, and I'm never sure. And I've actually been meaning to read some of your fics for awhile...I just have no time. ^_^;;;
Dragonchic: [reads review] [falls out of chair, laughing hysterically] I don't remember that bet, but I really wish I did. ^_^ And you go to TJ?! Ohh...you're the guys we can never beat in the Japan Bowl! Not that I go, 'cause my Japanese isn't good enough, but the people who DO go always come back going, "Dammit, TJ beat us AGAIN..." ^_~ I've never read a Seiftis, so hopefully I won't make a cliché out of it, and I appreciate the Irvine and Selphie thing. ^_^
Wynter: I always confuse myself, I give nothing about Rinoa or Ultimecia away, and I had a lot of fun writing that Seifer/Quistis scene. ^_~
Keiry: Thanks! And keep writing!
Starlight: [nakigoe-chan is boggled by the number and thought in the 6 reviews, and will tackle them in order] (1) All the ideas in the prologue are mine, but I had to work pretty hard to keep them big but not clichéd. And yes, I KNOW it's confusing. (2) Ultimecia is interesting to take on, writing-wise, but I know where I want her character to go and where (at least in my fic) she gets the craziness from, so it's not too difficult. But check again: while I compare Ultimecia to a corpse in a coffin, I compare Kaolinite (and only Kaolinite) to a vampire. (3) This story was certainly inspired by sme sense of mystacism, though I hadn't thought of the Greek epics. [thinks. Hmm...Orpheus' wife, perhaps?] (4) I know, I know. I'm done complaining. ^_^ As for the afterlife: some is crystal clear to me, some I'm making up as I go. (5) Yes. Yay. Let's all through confetti and do the limbo. Seifer's here. (6) See #2 (of comments to everyone) for my thoughts on the mute factor. But I'm REALLY flattered that you like my Rinoa despite the fact that you usually don't like her. I think many people don't like her, and they write her as a bi...bad person, and thus her unpopularity grows. Even those who DO like her often don't write her well, and I happen to like her, so I'm glad I write her as a likeable character. As for 1st person POV...it's kinda my specialty. I find it actually EASIER than otherwise.
Laguna-chan: Glad you like the opening quotes – I love finding them, and I'm often worried that no one reads them. ^_^ Long reviews (like yours!) are definitely worth 10 short ones, and I am no longer complaining about the reviews. And even I think that Seifer needs a good kick in the nuts. ^_^ Squall, because he's dead, no longer has Lionheart, but he will have a weapon. ^_^ And I live right IN Washington DC.
That's all, folks!
~ nakigoe-chan