THE REVIEW RESPONSES WILL BE IN THE NEXT PART – WHICH WILL BE POSTED APRIL FIRST – BECAUSE I HAVE NO TIME TO DO THEM RIGHT NOW. DON'T WORRY; I WILL ANSWER ALL OF THEM.
I own nothing but the plotline; most of the characters and references belong to their respective owners.
This chapter is for Larathia (who, despite what a nuisance I am, manages to be incredibly nice even when dealing with me ^_~) and the wonderful folks at the Eyrie, Dark Raion (fellow 'Let's put Squall in a mental asylum!' author, and all-around cool person), AngelPrinczess29 (the only DotL-reading person who reads my livejournal, as far as I know, and a fellow Goo Goo Dolls fan ^_~), and Aniiston, Kelcie, Stefanie, and of course Sabrina for their advice pre-post.
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THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
Chapter 7: The Gate of Shadows
By: nakigoe-chan
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After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.
- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
(Yes, I've been waiting to use that quote. ^_^)
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Everywhere you go, every society you encounter, has its outcasts. These are the people ridiculed for differences they cannot help, or differences of necessity, or differences that do not even exist at all except in the minds of their aggressors.
Outcasts are not treated with fondness, or even, in most places, tolerated. The very term 'village idiot' is only the beginning of that person's degradation. Perhaps no environment is more hostile towards its outcasts than a middle school, when insecurity sparks cruelty and antagonistic whispers.
This girl was an outcast.
And she knew it. Because she did not seem to care about her social status (or, indeed, about anything) her classmates, when they were not ignoring her, mocked her. They did not bother to keep their voices down, because desperation had driven them towards more open malice, and because the teachers did not care for this child. She was smarter than her professors, and as such they resented her.
She was leaving early today, and the whispers followed her.
"Is she going home early? Again? It isn't even lunchtime."
"Why does she wear long sleeves and tights all year round? Does she have warts all down her arms or something?"
"Everyone says she's weird."
"Of course she is. Her father is that freaky professor."
"Does she have any friends?"
As she passed a desk, a popular girl stuck out her leg and tripped the girl up. The Queen Bee's two friends – the only other people in the classroom, as everyone else had gone to lunch – twittered in mindless spite. As she turned to face her prey, she knocked her own metal pencil case off the desk.
The victim at her feet picked it up, gently.
Then she looked up at her tormenter with eyes much darker than her normal violet, and effortlessly crushed the metal case in her hand.
She walked out of the now completely silent room. Well, not completely. One whisper followed her, soft and afraid.
"Did you see her eyes? It was like she was a different person..."
Which, of course, she was.
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A lifetime ago, the Rinoa-I-once-was would have thought that she would give anything to hear those words from Seifer. She had made herself over for Seifer, from the brave front of the rebel to the tiny cream dress at the SeeD ball. Seifer, who was untamable and unreachable; Seifer, who was wild and romantic and ambitious.
Seifer, who I now couldn't look at, because what he'd said didn't matter at all.
Squall had never said it. He might have shown it, in a thousand little ways, but he'd never managed to get out those three short words that meant so much.
What Seifer had just told me only brought back memories, because it wasn't as if Squall hadn't tried.
He died in my arms. I apologize if that is too much of a cliché for you; it happened that way. I did not know then that it was goodbye. I was a hopeless optimist up until his last breath; he could not die as long as I believed and I would not stop believing until he died. As long as his heart beat, I could retain faith that everything would be all right. It couldn't stop beating, because then the world would fade away and be gone. Without him, nothing was real.
Somehow, he died anyway.
He tried to say it – I love you - but he could not choke the words past the blood in his mouth, and then he was gone.
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"Can you tell me your name? Or will that cause all to be lost, too?"
The boy sighed. {The very fact that you will have entered the Gate of Shadows in the first place will be enough indication that you have encountered a person of Tsukino. It will even indicate what you are after, to some extent. Ultimecia will not be taken by surprise when she finds you are trying to rescue the Ne...Rinoa and your friends.}
Ah, though Squall. Freudian slip. There's someone more important to him that I'm going to wind up trying to rescue. That's why he's coming; I'm the only one who can pull this off, but supposedly I'll only do it for this Rinoa person...
The boy had faltered briefly, but was still talking. {Of course, this time things are different. We must now try something else, because even if Ultimecia dies, without the success of your mission this world will die with her. This last plan is out last hope.} The boy shook his head. {And it is based on a human cliché. Every world that has or will exist must rest its hope upon this foolhardy romantic fairytale.}
That was not a big confidence boost, Squall thought. "What is this plan/theory thing?"
{We call it Operation: Love Conquers All.}
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I wanted to explain all this to Seifer, but I found I had no words. I probably could have thought of something if I was willing to think at all, but if I moved out of the numb phase my brain was sitting in, I would have to remember. I would have to see Squall die again. And again and again and again...
So I got up, lifting Squall's gunblade carefully by its handle, and moved off back to where Quistis and I had made camp.
Quistis was awake.
She was sitting cross-legged beneath a large tulip-poplar tree, brushing the falling leaves out of her hair and carefully reading the giant book on Crystal Tokyo. Seifer and I had moved away from the camp somewhat to avoid waking her with our gunblade practice, but we had obviously not gone far enough.
She must have been able to hear the conversation between Seifer and I, because she had not left camp. I was grateful for this; it was a sacrifice on her part, because to her, it was dangerous. We were in a dangerous place, she was all alone, and if she screamed, no one would hear.
She politely pretended that she had heard nothing; or, failing that, pretended to ignore it.
She turned to me as I sat next to her. I must have looked positively miserable, because she sighed in pity and put her arms around me. I wanted to cry – there is nothing so valuable to one's mood as a good cry – but I had only as many tears for myself as I had had words for Seifer.
Seifer himself did not join us. I did not hear him move, but in the case of Seed, that did not mean he wasn't already gone. Why should he stay? There was the obvious reason of what he'd just told me, of course, but even in that situation, I very much doubted that Seifer would stick around.
And somehow, despite it all, I desperately wanted him to stay. I did not love him the way I loved Squall, but I loved the memories of the simplicity life had been before Squall, and he was a symbol of that.
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"Coming back to the original question," Squall said impatiently (any question he asked tended to lead to long digressive lectures and information from this boy that, while interesting and informative, managed to avoid answering his original question every single time), "does that mean you can tell me your name?"
The boy shrugged. The gesture looked tremendously out of place – such a casual gesture from an almost elegant boy didn't really fit. {I suppose it won't do any harm,} he said.
Squall gestured. "Well...?"
{My name is Helios.} The boy made a sweeping bow. {I am the prince and priest of the land of Elysion.}
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Quistis and I sat in silence for a long while before we heard Seifer move behind us.
So he was still here, then.
I had expected him to leave. It was doubtlessly what his instincts were telling him to do. Perhaps he was finally growing up.
"So," he said, breaking the silence, "where's the rest of the Brat Brigade?"
Then again, perhaps not. Normal Seifer had returned.
Quistis smacked him in the shin from her sitting position.
"You know," Seifer said contemplatively, "I think you're faking the mute thing. I think you're just using it as an excuse for your violent tendencies."
I gave him a warning look. "Whereas you deal with your violent tendencies by trying to take over the world."
"Hey, I was just the sidekick!"
"That makes sense. You're much more Pinky than Brain."
Seifer looked totally confused. Cartoons were probably not big among SeeDs-in-training; not even the cartoons concerning mice trying to take over the world. Pinky and the Brain would probably have brought about more sarcastic jokes from cadets – given the nature of their work – than the instructors could handle.
"So where are they?"
"Back at the castle."
"You just left them? You were supposed to be the good guys!"
I sighed. "It's safer there."
"So why are you out here?"
"Because we have a mystery to solve." I snapped. "Because there might be a way to fix this! Because Ultimecia doesn't have the world she wants yet, and we have the keys to finding out a way her world might be prevented!"
I didn't say the real reason, but he must have read it in my eyes.
He stared at me quietly, sadly. "No one is supposed to mess with life and death, Rinoa."
I stared at him. "Shut up, Seifer." I said, and then I turned my back on him and walked to the other side of the camp.
Because there was only so much truth I could take from Seifer Almasy.
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The walk to the Gate of Shadows was a silent one. Squall had never been much of a conversationalist, and despite Helios' periodic rambling in the garden, the amber-eyed boy hadn't said a word since they began trudging along the winding path through the dark flowers.
Squall was slightly apprehensive, and it bothered him. He was dead. What was there to be apprehensive about? How much worse could things get? Could whatever he was now – spirit? ghost? – be destroyed?
He decided not to ask; he was relatively sure he wouldn't like the answer.
"Will I really go to Hell when all this is over?" He couldn't help that question, and besides, he was relatively sure the situation hadn't changed within the last ten minutes. Or what felt like ten minutes. Did time work the same way in this world?
{That depends on your definition of Hell.}
"Oh, so if I'm a sucker for pain and misery, if burning brimstone really makes my day, I'll actually be in for a treat?"
The boy glowered at him. {You will be trapped in an extremely...unappealing part of the In-Between. You will stay there forever, and lose yourself over the centuries. Through the Gates of Light you would lose yourself as well – you will fade away – but it is, nonetheless, happiness. After this, you will reside in the shadow of a peace you can never attain, and it will drive you mad.}
Squall looked away and found himself before an elegant and foreboding pair of double doors. They towered above him, toned in black and violet, carved with too-perfect sweeps and lines. There were no carvings of people, but the souls that had passed through before him screamed out warnings in nonexistent voices of silent thunder.
There was nothing behind them or beside them, but it was quite obvious that if you walked through the gate you would not wind up on the other side. You would wind up...somewhere else.
Squall took a step back despite himself. "What's in there?"
{A more appropriate question would be, 'What's out there?'}
"Okay, fine. What's out there?"
Helios sighed.
"Tell me it isn't something terribly unimaginative, like monsters."
Helios stared at him, almost guilty-looking. {Actually...}
"Great. Monsters. More monsters. Big surprise. You underworld people are not exactly stunning me with your task creativity here."
Helios looked rather put out. {It isn't what you think.}
"Oh, really?"
{It's more...psychological.}
"So I'm going to be attacked by shrinks? What'll their attack be? 'Your damaged psyche is entirely the fault of your father, my lad, (tell me something I don't know) and your dreams mean that you have romantic feelings toward a purple armadillo from Neptune. Now give me a cigar.'"
Helios put his head in his hands. Squall did his best to look bored and disinterested, which wasn't difficult inasmuch as 'bored and disinterested' was his default face.
{I can't tell you what's in there, exactly,} Helios said, {because - }
"No, wait, let me guess – all will be lost."
Helios looked as if he were regretting his decision to be Squall's guide. {Actually, for one thing I've never been there, and for another, it's against the rules.}
"Don't you think that this situation is a little too serious to necessitate playing by the rules?"
{It isn't that I don't want to tell you; it's that I can't.}
"Why?"
{The magic of the Tsukino Queen prevents it.}
"I thought you were Tsukino. I thought the Tsukino were the good guys."
{The Tsukino people are good.}
"And the Queen?"
{The Queen is Ultimecia.}
Shit, thought Squall.
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Quistis, I decided, did not have it in her to be Van Gogh.
We were sitting in the dirt across from one another, and she was using a stick to make a diagram of small figures. The one with the long hair and the gunblade was me. The one with the ponytail and the whip was Quistis. And the one with the grouchy face, the really big head, and the circle around its right eye (representing the serious shiner I'd inflicted upon him) was Seifer.
Quistis circled stick-Seifer and then held her hands palm-up. What do we do with him?
I took the stick and drew one large circle around all the characters, which I attached to an arrow, which pointed toward a hastily drawn sword. We take him with us.
Quistis gave me a very dubious look.
"We might need his help," I said. "Three heads are better than two."
Quistis's expression didn't change. She was obviously thinking does Seifer count as a head?
"I think we can trust him," I admitted.
Her expression softened slightly. She gave a small smile and, slowly and reluctantly, nodded her head.
"Besides," I tempted her, "if he betrays us you can kick the crap out of him."
This time her smile was wide enough to show teeth.
I got up and turned around. Seifer was staring at the sky a few yards away, lost in thought. "Seifer, c'mere. We have to talk to you."
Seifer walked over. The diagram was still on the ground, and scowled at it. Uh-oh, I thought. What the diagram meant was very clear to me, and doubtlessly to Seifer as well. And his expression said, quite clearly, no way.
"Uh..." I said.
Seifer's scowl only deepened as he continued to stare at the picture. "Please," he said, speaking harshly through his teeth, "do NOT tell me that is supposed to be me."
"Does it matter?" I asked, exasperated.
"Yes."
"Yes, that's you. But that's not the point."
"And the point is what?"
"The point is we need your help."
I really don't have a word for the look on Seifer's face at that point. Is there an adjective version of 'to goggle?' "Come again?"
"We need your help," I said patiently.
"You can go on your little Easter-Egg hunt by YOURSELVES, thanks."
I opened my mouth to argue with him, but Quistis laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked at her, and she smiled and waved me off to the side. I moved a few yards away and watched.
Look out world: Teacher in Action.
Quistis put her hands on her hips and stared him down.
"What?!" Seifer said defensively. "No way am I - "
Quistis cocked her head, glaring at him sideways.
"Listen, just because you two wackos got this stupid idea in your heads - "
Quistis crossed her arms. I stared at them and could only think: fascinating.
"I do NOT need YOUR help redeeming myself!"
Quistis began to tap her foot, not in an impatient way but more in a make up your bloody mind about this and make it up the way I want you to...way.
"FINE! FINE! I'LL GO ON THIS ABSURD - "
Quistis stuck out her hand, waiting for him to take it. It was a symbol of trust, of chances and choices and one last shot at redemption. For the first time since he'd learned of Squall's death (and probably for only the second time in his life), Seifer Almasy had no idea what to say.
But he smiled, and took her hand, and that was enough.
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The Gate of Shadows closed behind him with a soft click. He had expected a dramatic slam, but the sound was so soft it almost wasn't there.
When his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he turned around. The Gates were gone.
He was trapped.
No turning back now. No more decisions.
Which was almost a comfort. At least he knew, to some extent, what he had to do now. Making choices just made everything so much more complicated.
It would have been more of a comfort, of course, if it wasn't so dark. Or so quiet.
No, wait. There was a sound...
It was gone.
There was nothing there. Which way was he supposed to go? This place was as empty as the In-Between.
But no, there WAS something there...he could hear the pitter-patter of short little legs.
And suddenly, despite the dark, he could see them.
Lurks. Thousands of them.
It was only then that Squall realized that he had no weapon.
Their voices swam through his mind, multiplying their power and throwing him into the darkest of his own nightmares.
{You'll never find Rinoa you'll never save Rinoa you'll be alone forever you lived a meaningless life you died a meaningless death and no one regrets it you're worthless you're not a SeeD you're not a person you're a forgotten failure Rinoa is dying and you can't help her she'll die in pain she'll spend eternity in pain it's all your fault...}
The voices overwhelmed him and his mind fled towards the shadows.
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END OF PART 7 (Please R & R! Or you can email me at nakigoe_chan@hotmail.com; I reply to all emails.)
(Sorry, no Selphie and Irvine today – I have no time. They'll be back. And again, Review Responses will be with the next chapter)
SPRING BREAK! TWO WEEKS OF FREEDOM! I'M A SECOND SEMESTER HIGH-SCHOOL SENIOR! HOLY SHIT! [faints]
~ nakigoe-chan