With apologies to Cassandra Claire, on whose LotR VSD fandom sensation this parody is based.
Selphie: She brought us back...but it was obviously not in her own self-interest, because we are SO going to kill her for this.
Irvine: We are?
Selphie: Yes. With the most vicious and painful weapon we can find.
Irvine: ...you frighten me when you're angry.
Selphie: Have you even READ this...this...abomination? This monstrosity?
Irvine: Well, I was kinda disappointed...
Selphie: You read this, and all you were was DISAPPOINTED?!
Irvine: Well, she didn't do one for me...
Selphie: You aren't even in the STORY! And she's brutally destroyed the characters she DID do it for!
Irvine: ...
Selphie: Please, God, tell me you did NOT find this amusing.
Irvine: Well, I'm looking forward to the readers' reactions...
Selphie: They'll kill her. No question. I'm looking forward to it too.
Irvine: Uh...how?
Selphie: [sarcastically] With rusty sporks. How should I know?
Irvine: How will they find her?
Selphie: If they want to kill her for this, I will be HAPPY to point them in the right direction.
Irvine: Um...what's a spork?
nakigoe-chan: This is for all the people who "Don't usually like this kind of fic," and for anyone who already knows what's coming up in...
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THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
April Fool's Day Chapter
By: nakigoe-chan
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The Very Secret Diary of Squall Leonhart:
Day One
Am dead. Am also rather bored. On plus side, human population of underworld apparently zero; very quiet. On minus side, roommate appears to be severely unattractive garden gnome named Lurk.
Day Two
Was hit on by saucy lady named Julia. Very irritating. For one thing, death supposed to be peaceful. For another, if wanted to be hit on, would have stayed alive, as Quistis much hotter than Julia.
Day Three
Have been told by Julia that I do not remember girl I was in relationship with. This makes me unlike every other male, living or dead, in what way?
Day Four
Heaven in desperate need of new florist. The again, this is the land of the dead; perhaps flowers are meant to be dead too. Doubt it; in spite of being dead, I myself remain very attractive.
Day Five
Apparently land of eternal peace all out of peace. Guess who has been chosen to go on dangerous quest for refill?
Am sulking. Everything bad happens to me.
Day Six
Disturbingly pretty boy companion has told me I am going to what in our world is referred to as 'Hell.' Asked what 'Hell' was called in his world. Was told 'Fanfiction.net.' Told him that was a sissy name for eternal torment.
Later...
Have been shown fanfiction.net. Am traumatized. Apparently, eternal torment is torrid affairs with Seifer, Irvine, Zell, Laguna, Julia, Raine, Quistis, Selphie, Shiva, Siren, Fuujin, Raijin (Eeek), Ifrit, and someone named Squinoa. Teenaged girls have SERIOUSLY disturbed minds; no wonder ultimate evil being chose them as minions. Horns, pitchforks, and extensive red makeup SO out anyway.
The Very Secret Diary of Rinoa Heartilly:
Day One
Am VERY apprehensive about being lead character in nakigoe-chan's story. Lead character in her favorite fandom (Ranma ½) changes sex on a regular basis, and if I get any larger I will NOT fit in this adorable outfit.
Day Two
Squall is dead, which unfortunately diminishes his hotness level. Of course, it has no apparent effect on his conversational abilities. You can't kill something that's already dead, I suppose.
Day Three
Tried to kill Ultimecia, but she woke up and defeated me by telling me that if I wanted sex all I had to do was ask nicely. Told her I was just there to kill her. She told me oh please, I was a teenager. I was one big hormone.
Have had VERY disturbing dreams since this incident.
Day Four
Have talked Quistis into playing supporting actress. After all, if people are going to read this story we need some fanservice. Why else would she be here? She can't even TALK. Every man's dream.
Apparently, Ultimecia's spell has greatly affected my hair growth rate. If she can control MY hair, why can't she control HERS? Since when does an evil sorceress sport gray hair?
Day Five
Zell thought Quistis and I were involved with each other. Damn Ultimecia's insidious lies. Then again, perhaps Zell is just one big pervert. Am finally understanding Ultimecia's hormone obsession. Unfortunately, need Zell to defend us from evil bookshelf.
Day SixRan into Seifer, who was not only a total jerk about my current single status but also a walking fashion disaster. Who let him in this fic?
Day SevenQuistis has recruited Seifer for our quest for...whatever it is we're questing for. Great, just what I need: two blonde companions. I'm going to have to be the brain of the group, which is SO not my thing.
The Very Secret Diary of Quistis Trepe:
Day One
Bronchitis SUCKS.
Day TwoWell, so much for the Bronchitis theory. Apparently my emotional breakdown over the fact that we will not get a victory party do to lack of victory (wanted to hit on Cid and watch Edea smack him...middle-aged men SO easy to manipulate) has adversely affected my ability to speak.
If only there was some Prozac in this stupid castle.
Day ThreeHow come trauma makes ME mute but Rinoa the newest Pantene model? SO not fair; my hair is SO much cooler. Everyone thinks hers is so special just because it grows at an alarming rate.
Am definitely prettier than her. Why don't I get female lead?
Day FourRinoa REALLY needs to learn how to use the library computer's topic search. Obviously has never studied anything in her life. But we knew that already, didn't we?
No longer want Prozac. Am holding out for Valium.
Day FiveWas getting used to being mute and had begun to rather enjoy the quiet when Zell showed up. Stupid useless git. Will find a way to get Rinoa to ditch him.
Day SixSeifer showed up. As if I didn't have enough issues to deal with. He always uses ALL of my Blonde® Shampoo, and I only brought a limited amount! We must prioritize when packing, after all.
Day SevenDecided to let Seifer hang around; am sick of Rinoa's whining. How bad could her life be? She got the guy, right? Granted he died, but...oh, no, wait, they HADN'T had a chance to have sex. Rinoa's whining suddenly makes sense. And am suddenly sympathetic. Poor girl. So close, and yet so far.
The Very Secret Diary of Sorceress Ultimecia:
Day OneRole distribution for new fanfic by nakigoe-chan today. Wanted to be cute fluffy little bunny rabbit, but role stolen by what appears to be Valentine's Day Pez dispenser. Wound up with role of evil all-powerful sorceress. On pro side: Can fry people and can fly. On con side: have not even been born yet in current time, and already have gray hair.
Day Two
Spunky little sorceress tried to jump me in bed. Am not surprised at sexual frustration; scar-faced dead boyfriend very pretty, but according to female teenage minions of Fanfiction.net, quite gay. Sorceress tried to feed me some absurd story about trying to kill me, but I know what she wanted. Teenagers SO predictable.
Day ThreeHave tried Clairol Herbal Essence Dye in Flaming-Fire-Engine-Tomato-Apple-Passionate-Red. Hair still gray. Am very disappointed.
Day FourSorceress periodically going all evil. Am resentful; was told that I would be only evil sorceress. In revenge told her that underworld filled with lazars manned by creatures that react to black leather the way bulls react to the color red. Sorceress had emotional breakdown.
Obviously, does not know that bulls are colorblind. Hee, hee, hee.
Day FiveHow come despite being able to control time and dreams, cannot control hair color?
Day Six Have tried to go blond via Revlon. Hair now green; resemble Kermit the Frog. Perhaps gray not so bad after all. Later... Have fried every minion who even LOOKED at my hair. Go me! Will keep green hair if offers continued frying opportunities. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Should I even ask you guys to review this monstrosity? I guess I will anyway, especially the people who are reading the ACTUAL story for the first time. For those of you who were hoping for an actual chapter: please don't kill me. I answer all emails, even death threats: nakigoe_chan@hotmail.com Review Responses: (Chapter 6: The Turning of the Traitor, Part II) Pierson: I've never seen the Neverending Story, so I wouldn't know. A livejournal is essentially an online diary. Excellent for rants. I keep trying to put my livejournal address in here and it keeps not working, so if you wanna see it, just go to my bio page. AY is short for After You, the fanfic over which the Ranma fans are trying to kill me. As for capital letters, Gate of Shadows sounds somewhat more than gate of shadows, don't you think? The White House is spelled with capital letters. The Eiffel Tower is spelled with capital letters. Hence, the Gate of Shadows and all the other stuff is as well. And if someone tried to attack you with knives yesterday, it wasn't a Ranma fan: they use martial arts, giant intergalactic hammers, umbrellas, bandanas, giant spatulas, bonbori, bombs, ribbons, kendo swords, kitchen utensils, ancient Chinese weaponry, or training potties. Baby Rose: I can't give you info on the next chapter this time because even I am not entirely sure what's gonna happen. You weren't in the review thingy because you didn't review that chapter! As for Quistis...if you wanna hear her talk, you're gonna have a loooong wait. It'll happen, but not for awhile. Dee-whY-Cee-aRe: 'course it's okay: I love being naki-chan (I get that a lot from Ranma people, but I also get nakigoe-sama, which frightens me) plus you get an added bonus for using a lowercase n. Glad you like my Rinoa; I'm trying to write her as a likeable character but still keep her IN character. Xenogears: Wow, that's quite a review! O.o People keep telling me that they like this despite having a general distaste for darkfic. I've begun to think of this as the darkfic for those who don't like darkfic, because it's dark but in a very weird way. I'm glad you think I got the characterization right; that's been pretty hard in this fic. Especially with Quistis: her muteness is an element of the story I'm very happy with, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes her very difficult to write. I agree with you on formatting standards – if a fic isn't properly formatted, I generally don't go beyond chapter one. I've been reading fanfic for five years; I'm well aware of the number of people who don't format. As for the style...well, I tend to value that as much as characterization, so that fact that you find it a little off makes me wince, but yes, I am always striving to improve it. (My number one goal in writing is actually to become J.K. Rowling, but hey, in second place style ain't bad. ^_^ [j/k]) As for your random thoughts: (1) Irvine and Selphie are coming, and Zell has a pretty big role in this story...he's gonna find the key to Rinoa's dreams, and he'll be back (and chatting) via the little email book. Remember that? (2) Yeah, well, Rinoa using Lionheart was a whim, but I like it that way. (3) For all those waiting for action out there: don't worry. There will be LOTS of battles, and the first one is coming up within the next four or five chapters... (4) I'm a very contrary person. No matter what I might have planned (and I will tell you nothing) the more times I get told to bring Squall back the more likely I won't. Bwahahaha. ^_^ (5) We will see Squall's death through his gradual returning memory and through Rinoa's flashbacks. (6) Thank you! But does that mean that if it wasn't my first FFVIII fanfic, it wouldn't be done well? v_v (7) I'm getting no help; I barely even read over the chapters before I post them. If you want to be a beta, that would be splendid. If that was just written on the spur of the moment...well, I haven't been doin' too bad with just me and the people I email this to early. (8) I LIKE outgoing. [shrugs] as such, I keep the author's notes this way. You may have guessed from this chapter that I'm NOT a very serious person (I'm a fourth-quarter high school senior. I have an excuse. ^_^) I sent you an email; I don't know if you got it. Thanks for that review; it was...wow. ^_^Aniiston: Thank you so much for your consistent support…I really appreciate it. As for 25-30 chapters…I've looked back over my plot, and that number now makes me laugh. It's probably closer to 35-40.
Josh: Seifer is growing on me. In general I wasn't fond of him, but I needed him for the story and as I write him, he grows on me. This is a consistent problem for me, and takes the blame entirely for my fondness of Kodachi Kuno. I'm glad you like the Irvine/Selphie notes. I'm also REALLY glad you like the review responses; in the other fandom I write for (Ranma ½) no one does them, but I'm enjoying doing them here (I've even started doing them there) but since they take SO LONG to do, I'm really relieved that people read them. As for your reviews – I LIKE your reviews! They aren't boring or lame: the reviews I get from all of you really encourage me, minna-san! (And as I've said before, we're now looking at 35-40 chapters.)
Keiry: Arigatou! And I already have a plot for a novel (that I plan to start at some point, when my schedule calms down), but thanks. ^^
Masked Reviewer: Gotta say, I loved your review: it was not only very flattering, but you also brought up some of the elements of the story that I'm most fond of: the 'Miracles' concept, for example. I'm also very fond of the two lines you pointed out; one which I had fun writing and the other which was the first line I thought up when I came up with the plot for 'The Turning of the Traitor.' Thank you for your compliments on the story in general. And no, I'm not a philosophy major – I'm not an anything major, I'm a high school student. Both my parents were philosophy majors, though (they met in Aristotle class. ^^)
Dragonchic: Well, as it turns out, we got 2nd in the Japan Bowl to someone else this year. ^_^;; Thanks for the encouragement, and soon you guys'll see Irvine and Selphie OUT of the Author's notes. ^_~
Starlight: I admit that I'm not really clear on the whole Seifer/Rinoa relationship either, but even in the game we saw little interaction between Seifer and Rinoa, especially before it became clear that she was in love with Squall. I felt that her original 'love' and/or relationship with Squall's rival added to the story, so I couldn't hate her for it, and while I could go ranting on about the fact that it IS possible to like both Quistis and Rinoa, I won't. ^_^ Reread the scene where Squall accepts the mission: his soul is pretty much doomed either way, but if he goes on this mission, he saves everyone else. His dramatic flashbacks of Rinoa scenes probably also influenced him – as did the garden itself. The time...well, I'll get to that.
Vick330: I'm pretty fond of alternate worlds myself, but I didn't want to wind up with a cliché. Don't know if I succeeded. ^_^
(Chapter 7: The Gate of Shadows)
Peirson: Arigatou!
Angelprinczess29: Thanks! The mute thing is actually something everyone brings up. I had no idea people would like that so much!
Dee-whY-Cee-aRe: I'm glad you thought it was entertaining...and I hope you found this chapter as well, though certainly in a different way...^_^
Dragonchic: I probably would have, too. But I had to limit the detail for Quisty's stick figures...and given her current condition, she's probably a little sensitive about mouths. ^_^
-----: Thanks! Though this was probably not the kind of update you were looking for...
Mariko: Thanks! I've never played KH, actually, so I wouldn't know, but my whole goal with DotL was to do something different, so it's good to know I succeeded in that...no matter how good or bad it winds up being.
Josh: The scene between Quistis and Seifer was, without a doubt, the hardest in this chapter to write...which seems weird now, 'cause when I look back at it it's so simple, and not terribly stunning in quality. As for Squall...[shrug] I've said it before, I'll say it again: I tell no one anything. Nobody but I know how this story will end, and sometimes even I'm not so sure about the details. ^_^
Keiry: As always, thank you!
Caleb Nova: [nakigoe-chan cowers in shame] I do NOT know why I did that. I found it relatively amusing at the time, but I suppose you're right: it diminishes the overall feel of the story. I try to put humorous bits in there, but this was just...no. But I'm glad you like the story in general. ^_^
Sadia Fiore: Thank you!
Maria Rose Black: Nope, I didn't get it. Too bad, 'cause I love email. [weep]. Thanks for the effort, though, and thanks for the review. Zell, in all his weirdness, will return – and the Lurks are not the worst of what the Gate of Shadows holds. [bumbumBUM]
Dark Static: Glad you think so...but this is doubtlessly not the kind of update you were hoping for. Oh, well.
Go check out my livejournal, minna-san! (It's on the bio page...bloody thing won't work here)
That's all, folks – I promise a real chapter next time!
~ nakigoe-chan