If I Were a Herald
Chapter 40
Drinking My Baby Goodbye
A/N (1/3/06): The end is in sight! I should have it finished by the end of the month. Of course, "finished" is, in this case, a relative term. This is my baby. I'm never going to be finished with it. Not even when I've un-fanficked it and gotten it published.
A/N (1/4/06): This weather offends me. On Monday it was hot as Hades and humid as hurricane season. Today it's still t-shirt weather. It's winter, dammit! It should be cold!
A/N (1/5/06): I've finished the next chapter, and most of the one after that. The end is indeed in sight. Unfortunately I left my "visit home" notes at home, but my sister found them for me, so they should be scanned and sent to me sometime in the next week. After which I should quickly finish the story. At which point the only deterrent to uploading new chapters will be a lack of reviews.
A/N (1/6/06): They tried to duct tape me to a tree. My own fellow pirates! The nerve of them. That's the sort of underhanded trick I'd expect from ninjas, not my crewmates. Scurvy bastards. Oh, and…one bottle of silver ozone has cured my month-long abstinence. And it's freezing outside. Finally it's decided to act like winter.
Fireblade: Yes, you have been neglecting your duty! Unfortunately, Kali is being dense and doesn't realize they're lifebonded. She doesn't think it's possible. Let's gang up and bang a few heads, shall we?
Mad-4-Manga: Hey, dorky is good. I like the melody too. It's very fun. It also seems to follow what the lyrics are saying (such as, the word "low" is on a very low note). So we can be dorks together. And actually, she was confined to her room until the Heraldic Circle met; after that she was free to go wherever she wanted.
Dark Angel Lytha: Somedays, Herald Kali just needs to be whacked over the head with a board. This is the part of the romance where both characters need to have their heads whacked together by some interested third party. Maybe if Lyrna kicked her, she'd gain some sense. And I'm always open to suggestions. If I don't use them, it's just because I happen to like my way better. Often due to considerations for later in the story, or the fact that that part's already written.
"Herald Kali, what a pleasant surprise." Huh. Funny, I didn't remember the barkeep's name, but he sure knew mine. Whatever. I'd always been rather less than perfect at remembering names—and ever since high school, everyone always seemed to know mine. Probably had something to do with my flamboyant attire.
"Just Kali. I wish to God I'd never become a Herald."
:What about me: Lyrna asked, hurt evident in her thoughts.
:I shoulda dragged you back home with me the moment I set eyes on you.:
:If you'd done that, you never would've met Jacoby.:
:Don't mention his name to me. Ever. I'm doing my best to forget he ever existed.:
:Please don't take your anger at him out on me.:
:Sorry, love. I wrote you a song: I offered as consolation. :It's called 'My Lyrna's Eyes.' Remind me to sing it for you sometime.:
"What'll it be?" the barkeep asked.
"Anything you've got." This particular bar, I noticed, didn't have a musician. It wasn't silent here by any means, but the lack of music left an empty place in my heart. I checked my back and found that I'd slung my fiddle over my shoulder without even realizing it. "I'll pay for it with music."
He raised his eyebrows. "You play?"
"Fiddle, mostly," I said, indicating the instrument. "Took a few classes at Bardic. You just give me those drinks, and if you don't like my singing, I'll pay you with coin. Kapish?"
"You've got a deal. Go sit over there. You can start playing whenever you like."
I got my fiddle in tune in about two minutes. After a couple warm-up exercises, I felt ready to sing. "I was feeling the blues, I was watching the news, when this fellow came on TV. He said, 'I'm telling you that science has proved heartaches are healed by the sea.' Well that got me going without even knowing, I packed right up and drove down. Now I'm in a roll and I swear in my soul, tonight I'm gonna paint this town. So bring me two pina coladas. I want one for each hand. Let's set sail with Captain Morgan, oh and never leave dry land. Hey, troubles I forgot 'em. I buried 'em in the sand. So bring me two pina coladas. I said goodbye to my two-timing man. Oh now I've gotta say that the wind and the waves and the moon winking down at me, eases my mind by leaving behind the heartaches that love often brings. Now I've got a smile that goes on for miles with no inclination to roam. I've gotta say that I think I'm gonna stay, 'cause this is feeling more and more like home. So bring me two pina coladas. I want one for each hand. Let's set sail with Captain Morgan, oh and never leave dry land. Hey, troubles I forgot 'em. I buried 'em in the sand. So bring me two pina coladas. I said goodbye to my two-timing man."
"That was great," the barkeep said, handing me a drink. I downed it in one go, ignoring the bitter taste.
I forced a smile. Tonight I had to be happy. If I got drunk when already depressed, I'd just get maudlin. I didn't want that. "It was pretty popular back home. Now let's see if I can convince that audience to part with some of their coins, huh? You get all my earnings; I just want the drinks."
Unfortunately, the only songs that came to me were depressing. Undaunted, I struck up a lively tune and sang what came to mind. As my voice flowed out over the crowded tavern, I realized what song I'd chosen.
"Sitting on a barstool, acting like a durn fool, that's what I'm a-doing today. Sitting here drinking, trying to keep a-thinking I'm a-boozing my troubles away. Well I couldn't make him stay, well doggone him anyway, he can't say that I didn't try. Pour me another one, I'm finished with the other one, I'm drinking my baby goodbye."
I stumbled my way back to my room in the wee hours of the morning, intending to go to sleep and forget all about what a blooming idiot I'd been. Well, I did sleep. But my dreams were far from pleasant.
The courtroom was small and crowded. Many people were here, to witness the trial of the pirate who'd managed to enlist the aid of a Herald. Jacoby stood in chains on the witness stand. They were taking no chances that he'd escape again.
In the back, furtive figured tried to get closer to where Jacoby was held. One shoved his wide-brimmed hat more firmly on his head. I couldn't make out their faces—they were in shadow. But something about them seemed familiar.
"Your journal states that Herald Kali helped you and your crew escape from prison, but makes no mention of why. What hold did you have on her, that she would aid and abet a criminal?"
"Ye leave 'er out o' this, ye hear? I saved 'er life, so she saved mine. Tha's all."
"Twice," I shouted to the courtroom. "He saved my life twice. Rescued me three times. Let him go!"
A hush fell over the spectators. They stared at me, a Herald in full Whites, defending a pirate. Jacoby blanched. This was the first time he'd seen me in uniform.
The judge squinted at me as if he couldn't quite believe his eyes—or his ears. "Herald Kali, I understand you've been through a great ordeal."
"Ordeal? You have no idea what you're talking about. Karse was an ordeal. Evendim was nothing. And you know who saved me from that Sun-Priest in Karse? Jacoby did."
"How'd he get to Karse?" the prosecutor demanded.
"Hell if I know. But he was there. It's probably recorded in that damn journal." There was no way I was going to allow them to hang Jacoby. I owed him my very life.
"Karse is a long way from Lake Evendim," the all-too-logical prosecutor pointed out. "You may well have been hallucinating. You'd just gone through an ordeal that would have broken most people. It's no shame to go a little mad after that."
"Mad? I was already mad. Mad to become a Herald in the first place. We're walking targets! I finally found something worth living for, and you want to take it away."
"Order, order in the court!" the judge cried, pounding on the bench with his gavel. I almost laughed. Imagine—they had gavels here, too!
The judge's actions came too late. The courtroom erupted in chaos. The men from the back produced swords and knives. One knelt beside Jacoby, trying to pick the locks on his chains. Yeller! It was Jacoby's crew. They'd come to rescue him.
Yeller fought with the lock. I could see that he wasn't having much success. But what could I do to help? Without realizing what I was doing, I found myself at Jacoby's side. My awareness inserted itself into the workings of the locks. There—and there. A click sounded as the chains fell away from him.
"There. I think that makes us even. You saved me in Karse, I saved you that time in Belt, you rescued me from Mortimer twice, and I helped you escape twice."
"Thanks, songbird," he whispered.
Ever so slowly, my surroundings faded away.
I woke sometime around noon with a pounding headache. Ah, damn hangovers all to hell. It would take Jacoby five days to get here—assuming he was headed for Haven at all. More likely he was going straight back to Evendim. But I'd give him five days. I could stay sober that long. Couldn't I?
Five days came, and five nights went, and still no sign from Jacoby. Jaym was finally behaving himself, Gloria was excelling in her classes at Bardic, and Melissa had been Chosen by a young stallion named Tomar. Marky was finally being instructed by one of the Firestarter Heralds, after a near-disaster involving the barn in the Companions' Field. They'd dumped half the River Terilee on the fire to put it out. Luckily no one had been hurt.
"Dad'll come," Jimmy assured me. "If 'e don't, I'll hunt 'im down for ye. He really likes ye."
I forced my face into a grim parody of a smile. "I don't think so. No mortal love ever rivals the sea."
"Why don't ye go to 'im an' ask 'im yerself?"
A shake of my head negated that idea. "No, Jimmy. I'm going to stay here. If he wants me bad enough, he'll come to me. In the meantime, I'm going to get good and drunk."
Well I drank 'til I stumbled, I drank 'til I fell. When the drunk part was over, it hurt me like hell. Well I know about drinking, so I know one thing's true: Being drunk's a lot like loving you. 'Cause I loved 'til I stumbled, I loved 'til I fell. When the loving was over, it hurt me like hell. Now I know what a taste of the wrong love can do. Being drunk's a lot like loving you.
Hurt about the same, too. Except, when I was with Jacoby, I felt everything. Every sensation. He put my nerves on high alert. The alcohol deadened them, leaving me tingling and numb.
Once again, I bargained with the barkeep to sing for my booze. "I had one pint of beer and one shot of scotch, one bottle of wine and a bourbon on the rocks. I had one laddie on me right, another on me left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' A long time ago in a pub far away, I sat on a barstool just a-drinking away. I couldn't hold it down, I guess I had to much. I felt a tremor in the force, and then I lost my lunch. Woke up in desert-land, feeling hot and sick. I saw a bearded man, he looked like some kind of hick. He suddenly waved his hand, and my pain was gone. He said, 'Let's go see Yoda, and I'll teach you this song.' I had one pint of beer and one shot of scotch, one bottle of wine and a bourbon on the rocks. I had one laddie on me right, another on me left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' We got on a starship and flew off into space. He said his name was Obi-Wan, there was no time to waste. 'I have to see you trained before it's too late. So drink this bottle of whiskey and don't give in to hate.' Training went on and I drank most of the bar. We had to stop off for supplies at the nearest Death Star. I learned to control my fear and hold my alcohol. Soon I was in the stands when Obi-Wan would call. I had one pint of beer and one shot of scotch, one bottle of wine and a bourbon on the rocks. I had one laddie on me right, another on me left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' Sat down beside a little man. I looked him in the eye. He looked right back at me and said, 'You judge me by my side?' Obi-Wan said, 'Careful, for Yoda is the best.' I said, 'Okay, Shorty. Bring on that test.' Well I could tell you how it ended, I could tell you some lies. But let's just say that on that night, the Force was on his side. I got all riled up. They threw me in jail. I said, 'I don't believe it.' Yoda said that's why I failed. I had one pint of beer and one shot of scotch, one bottle of wine and a bourbon on the rocks. I had one laddie on me right, another on me left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' I had one pint of beer and one shot of scotch, one bottle of wine and a bourbon on the rocks. I had one laddie on me right, another on me left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' Well I looked that muppet in the eye and said, 'Give me the test.' Well I looked that little runt right in the eye…"
Three songs and countless refills later, the tavern swam before my eyes. What's that blur in the corner? I wondered.
:A new customer: Lyrna supplied. :See, it's moving. Now it's shorter, so it's sitting down.:
:Oh, right. Thanks.:
:You should really go to Jacoby. You're just poisoning your system with all this alcohol intake.:
:Fuck you and fuck him:
:Fuck him was rather what I had in mind.:
Images flashed in my mind—Jacoby without his shirt; Jacoby gloriously naked. With a growl, I did my best to suppress them. Didn't really work too well. Think of something else. Anything. The only thing that came to mind was the Bloodred Falcon. Okay, I could imagine her. Framed against the setting sun, her sails furled like a bird at rest. Jacoby at the helm—
Stop it!
Angry, I strummed a few chords on my fiddle. "I bang on the door but you won't let me in, 'cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin. You locked all the doors from the front to the back and left me a note telling me I should pack. I walk in the bar and the fellows all cheer. They order me up a whiskey and beer. You ask me why I'm writing this poem. Some call it tavern, but I call it home." That statement was met with a loud round of cheers. "Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! Pour my beer down the sink, I've got more in the trunk. Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! And I'm going to be drunk 'til the next time I'm drunk. You've given me options, you said I must choose 'tween you and the liquor, then I'll take the booze. I'm jumping on Western down to the south side, where I'll sit down and exercise my Irish pride." With a large gesture of my bow, I indicated that the audience should join in for the next rendition of the chorus. "Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! Pour my beer down the sink, I've got more in the trunk. Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! And I'm going to be drunk 'til the next time I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! Pour my beer down the sink, I've got more in the trunk. Fuck you I'm drunk. Fuck you I'm drunk! And I'm going to be drunk 'til the next time I'm drunk."
Blur…blur…wait a minute, that blur was heading toward me. Come on, Kali. Focus. Ha. Easier said than done. And not that easily said with alcohol slurring my speech. After a monumental effort on my part, the blur resolved itself into a rather burly man. Intent on mischief, if his emotions were any indication.
He lunged at me. I jerked back. My brains sloshed back and forth in my head. Ugh. Reaction took hold. Fight-or-flight response had adrenaline pumping throughout my system, and blood pounding in my ears. I whipped a knife free of its sheath. "Get the hell away from me!"
:Kali, calm down. You're overreacting.:
But Lyrna's warning came too late. The man who'd been foolish enough to startle Herald Death drew away, cursing. Blood dripped from his hand.
"There's a reason I came here armed," I informed him. "They don't call me Herald Death for nothing."
Having delivered my speech, I felt my way back to my seat. Just in time, too. My legs were none too steady and probably wouldn't have held me much longer.
God knows how I made my way back to the palace that night. Lyrna says she helped me, but even a sentient horse shouldn't have been able to hold me up, not when I was more alcohol than flesh and bone. That would have taken something with arms. Lyrna, obviously, didn't have any.
Just my luck that my old buddy Jello had also had a late night.
Tonight just wasn't my night at all.
"Well, well, look who the cat dragged in."
"Back atcha, boyo," I replied. I might be drunk, but I could still insult my way into trouble. And a challenge was just what I needed to get the alcohol out of my system. There was a reason I shouldn't want that. Couldn't for the life of me remember what it was, though. "What did you do to your hair? Fall into a vat of oil?"
"What did you do to your clothes? Fall in the river again?"
"No, and I still owe you for that one. More like I fell in a vat of beer."
He smirked. "Lamenting the loss of your pirate lover, huh? No doubt he's dead by now."
That hit a little too close to home for comfort. I summoned every bit of acting skill I possessed in order to execute a casual shrug. "Jacoby's trial was five days ago. He would've been hanged that afternoon. And if you speak one word against him, I'll have your guts for garters." My hands traced circles through the air as I spoke.
"Of course a girl like you couldn't get anyone better than a pirate," he taunted. "You know he was just using you."
A cold calmness washed over me. "Say one more word and I won't be responsible for my actions." Jacoby might not be big on commitments, but he had saved my life.
:And you still love him.:
A searing pain ripped through my heart. :No. I don't love him. I can't. He doesn't want me.:
:He wasn't just using you. He loves you, too.:
:Phah! If he loved me, he wouldn't have asked me to leave.:
:You're lifebonded.:
:And you're dreaming.:
"You're so desperate—"
Unable to think of another way to cut him off, I slugged him in the mouth. Hey, my brain wasn't working too great at the time. I was drunk.
He drew back, snarling. "You're going to pay for that."
"Oh really? Like I paid when you tried to drown me?"
"This time, I have the advantage."
"Yeah. You're sober, and I'm drunk. I think that just about makes us evenly matched." I drew back into my ready stance. "Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it on, sucker."
He swung wildly. I blocked his punches. My opening would come. All I needed was to be patient. When it came at last, I reared back and put everything I had into a savage kick. But drunk as I was, I misestimated. The kick went wide. Not quite a miss, but I hadn't gotten him directly in the stomach, like I'd wanted. He stumbled back, but recovered quickly. "You bitch!"
"Okay, time to end this," I muttered to myself. I summoned all my concentration in order to beat him back. A blow to the head. Another to his side. The side is one of the more sensitive places. Tickle someone there, or poke them, or pinch them, and they'll flinch—or, if you're lucky, they might even jump. I've seen a guy take his desk in the air after being poked from both sides. That was back home, on Earth.
This time, Jello's stumble was more pronounced, his recovery much slower. Slow enough to give me time to prepare for a final blow. A quick rap on his temple with my bony knuckles felled him like a log.
There was wine waiting for me when I got back to my room. Wine? What's wine doing here? I don't like wine. Wait a minute, I'm a Baccus. Of course I like wine. Except when it tastes like vinegar. Which is most of the time. Even so, I popped the cork and downed a few swallows. It didn't taste any worse than the rot-gut I'd been drinking at the tavern, and even had a flavor that wasn't piss or drowned rat. Glug glug glug faint.
You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy. You want to revie-ew. You want to revie-ew.
The end is approaching like a hurtling train. What I need now are ideas for the "visit home" chapters. Kali, Lyrna, and Jacoby take a side trip to Earth to visit her family. After that, the story's pretty much over. Oh, and I need suggestions as to what should happen after she finds Jacoby in Belt, while they're still in that town.