Dong Zhuo was born in the far northwest at Lin Dao in the West Valley Land. As the Governor of He Dong, Dong Zhuo himself was arrogant and overbearing. But the day he had treated Liu Bei with contumely would have been his last, had not Liu Bei restrained his wrathful brother Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei: Remember he has the government commission. Who are we to judge and slay?

Guan Yu: Must... slice... twain...

Liu Bei and his brothers left and ran in with Zhu Jun, who was planning to attack Zhang Bao. They fought against him, but there was a great storm and the troops became scared and were defeated.

Zhu Jun: Zhang Bao uses pure magic. In order to defile his pure magic, we'll crap on him.

Liu Bei: We'll... what?

Zhu Jun: Tonight all of our troops will be issued a can of chili. Meanwhile, we'll build a large gate mechanism. When the Turbans pass under the gate, we'll open up a hole in the top and every soldier will take a huge dump on the enemy forces.

So the next day Zhang Bao passed under the shoddy archway, and was defecated upon en-mass.

Liu Bei: I must say that this is rather undignified.

Guan Yu: I must agree brother.

Zhang Fei: Oh... it burns so good...

Zhang Bao: OH THE INHUMANNITY!

Full of crap, Zhang Bao retreated towards Yang Cheng. Zhang Fei killed several Yellow Turbans from the distance of the archway, while Guan Yu got in close and cleft them in twain.

Liu Bei: This is a bow... I pull back on the drawstring... and...

Thwit!

Liu Bei: Oops...

Zhang Bao: Ow... my left arm...

So Zhang Bao retreated into Yang Cheng and was besieged by Zhu Jun. His most trusted advisor Yan Zheng made a proposal in order to stop the siege.

Yan Zheng: If we cut your head off and give it to the enemy captain, then the rest of us will be given amnesty.

Zhang Bao: Everybody wins!

Luo Zhan: And so it was done. Meanwhile, Huangfu Song had slain Zhang Liang at Qu Yang. He was made to replace Dong Zhuo, because honestly, who doesn't hate Dong Zhuo? Oh yeah, Zhang Jue also died. The STDs finally caught up with him. Huangfu Song did not forget his friends. So Lu Zhi and Cao Cao were given huge promotions and fiestas were thrown in their honor. Even with all the Zhang brothers dead, remnant Turban forces pillaged and raped… little boys. Zhu Jun attacked Han Zhong who was holed up in Wan Cheng. Liu Bei then pressed hotly in the rear.

Zhang Fei: Tee hee...

The Turbans wished to surrender, but Zhu Jun's orders were to not annihilate them.

Liu Bei: Seeing that the founder of the Han Dynasty, Liu Bang the Supreme Ancestor, could welcome the submissive and receive the favorable, why reject these?

Zhu Jun: The conditions are different. In those old days disorder was universal and the people had no fixed lord. Wherefore submission was welcomed and support rewarded to encourage people to come over. Now the empire is united, and the Yellow Scarves are the only malcontents. To receive their surrender is not to encourage the good. To allow brigands, when successful, is to give way to every license, and to let them surrender when they fail is to encourage brigandage. Your plan is not a good one.

Liu Bei: Then why did you accept Xu Huang?

Zhu Jun: Oh, we just can't get him to leave.

Xu Huang: And so Xu Huang finally shows his true colors, secretly working for the glory of the Han the whole time. Why, the Han would not have won had it not been for the exploits of...

Zhu Jun: Xu Huang! Shut up!

Xu Huang: ... Oh...

Liu Bei: Well I suppose that we should kill Han Zhong.

Guan Yu: I beat you to it.

Liu Bei: How did you sneak into the city?

Guan Yu: What city?

Zhu Jun: Wan Cheng.

Guan Yu: Oh... Han Zhong left the city to take a piss by that tree whilst the two of you were arguing.

Luo Zhan: However, the rebels Zhao Hong and Sun Zhong came with a large body of reinforcements and entered the city. Just then there arrived a body of horse and foot from the east. At the lead was one general with a broad open face, a body as an alert tiger's, and a torso as a lofty bear's. His name was Sun Jian. He was a native of Fu Chun in the old state of Wu, a descendant of the famous Sun Tzu the Strategist. When he was seventeen, Sun Jian was with his father on the River Qian Tang and saw a party of pirates, who had been plundering a merchant, dividing their booty on the river bank.

Sun Jian: We can capture these!

Mr. Sun Jian's Dad: What are you insane?

Sun Jian: Qa'Pla!

Pirates: Oh crap he's got a sword! Run!

So Zhu Jun gladly welcomed Sun Jian.

Zhu Jun: Okay, the enemy is inside the city. There are way too many to take on in a direct assault, so we need strategy.

Sun Jian: Let's do this! Qa'Pla!

Liu Bei: Oh my god did he just run in there alone?

Sun Jian: Qa'Pla! Qa'Pla!

So Sun Jian killed every last Yellow Turban. When Zhu Jun returned to the capital he was promoted. He also recommended Sun Jian and Liu Bei, so they were both promoted. Both with the exception of Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: Oh poo.

Luckily, Liu Bei met Zhang Jun, and whined accordingly. So Zhang Jun went to the Emperor. A list of people to receive posts was made, and Liu Bei became magistrate of An Xi. Liu Bei may not be a good fighter, or strategist, but he can run a city very well. The city was soon crime free. However, an inspector came and asked about Liu Bei's origin.

Liu Bei: I am descended from Prince Sheng of Zhong Shan. Since my first fight with the Yellow Scarves rebels at Zhuo County, I have been in some thirty battles, wherein I gained some trifling merit. My reward was this office.

Inspector: You lie. Gimme money.

Now Zhang Fei was drunk and took the inspector out back and beat him with a branch. Liu Bei and Guan Yu went outside after Zhang Fei.

Inspector: Help, save me!

Liu Bei tried to calm his brother down, but Guan Yu had already cleft the inspector in twain. By and by, people began to wonder where the inspector was, and an order went out for the brother's arrest. But they had already taken safe passage with Liu Hu.

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