Title: Mayonnaise
Rating: R for language. This is Gojyo and Sanzo we're talking about and the English dub has corrupted me.
Summary: Sanzo has a cold. Goku and Hakkai go to get some medicine leaving poor Gojyo to look after the foul-tempered monk.
Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki or any of its crazy characters.

"Will you explain to me again why I have to stay here? Why can't the monkey stay?" Gojyo whined to his longtime roommate.

"Because," the green-eyed man said, "Goku will feel more useful coming with me to get the medicine and shop for Sanzo."

"Okay. I understand that, so why can't I go with the dumb ape and you stay here and watch over his worshipfulness?"

The brown-haired man laughed. "His worshipfulness?"

Gojyo rolled his eyes and said, "Just answer my question." He leaned against the doorjamb saying eloquently via body language that Hakkai wasn't going anywhere until he got an answer.

"If you and Goku are left to your own devices you would buy everything but what was needed."

"All that shitty monk has is a cold!" Gojyo threw his hands up. "Give me a break! I think I can handle buying cough syrup."

Hakkai waved his finger under the half-demon's nose. "But what kind? It's important to pick the one that best matches the symptoms."

Gojyo slumped against the doorjamb sensing imminent defeat. "I would buy the kind that tastes the worst. Serves him right for shooting at me all the time."

Hakkai gave a small smile that reached his eyes. "That reminds me. It's kinda your fault that he fell in that fountain."

"What?" Gojyo exclaimed, his voice going up an octave.

"Sanzo," the golden-eyed boy said, "Hakkai-and-I are going to get some med-i-cine to help you feel better!" He was practically screaming in the sick man's ear. Gojyo and Hakkai winced from the sidelines. The sick priest groaned and rolled away from the loud piercing voice.

"I'm sick, not deaf, you stupid monkey!"

Gojyo chuckled softly at the exchange. Hakkai smiled and said, "He means well." The reserved man walked over to the boy and said something softly in his ear. Gojyo picked up the last few words. Something to the effect of, "…the sooner he'll get better."

"What are we waiting for? Let's go then!" Goku said, grabbing Hakkai's hand and practically dragging him to the door. They barreled past Gojyo and Goku said, "If you do anything stupid while we're gone, Imma beat your ass!"

"What the hell did you say, you dumbass ape?"

"Now, now, children," Hakkai cooed.

Gojyo crossed his arms and said, "Just hurry the hell up and get back or you might find one of us," meaning he or Sanzo, "no longer on this plane."

"Plane? What are you talking about, ero kappa? We're on the ground."

Hakkai led Goku out the door even as the young man turned his head around testily and asked, "What?"

As soon as the two cleared the door Gojyo slammed it. It was really too early in the morning to be arguing with the brat. When he turned towards the sleeping area and saw the blond head that emerge from the covers he wished his bickering partner were still in the room.

Gojyo sighed and thought, "It's gonna be a long ass day." He sat in an overstuffed brown chair where he could look out for Sanzo.

Was Sanzo so sick that Gojyo wouldn't get the perverse pleasure from riling him up? If so, it was going to be a long, boring ass day. Gojyo just loved getting on the cold blond's nerves. He didn't completely understand why he did it but he knew part of it was to affirm that the blond could feel and show some type of emotion. When Gojyo tried to be friendly (he considered himself a friendly guy) the blond rebuked him. Gojyo wasn't as good at ignoring people.

He didn't want to be in the same room as the monk because he didn't like him though it wasn't due to lack of trying. Every time he patted the monk in a friendly gesture the blond pulled his Smith & Wesson out so fast you would think he committed sexual harassment. He remembered the first time they met. It wasn't in the best of circumstances—him harboring a fugitive and all—but still, he tried to overcome and extend the laurel leaf. He even gave the priest the best compliment he could think of at the time only to get a, "What the hell does that mean?" from the robed man.

He just didn't know what to do with the guy. Sanzo didn't even like Gojyo looking at him. It was true that Sanzo had a face that drew attention. The type of face that a person wouldn't grow tired of looking at in normal conditions but the blond usually wore variants of sneers that made Gojyo's red eyes roll nearly to the back of his head in exasperation.

Every time he would look at the monk it seemed the monk was glaring back at him. "What the hell are you looking at, pervert?" This was pretty much an everyday occurrence.

Gojyo thought that he would die of a heart attack if he saw Sanzo with a honest-to-goodness smile on his face. Not a smirk. Not a condescending grin but a friendly, "Hey buddy! How you doin'" smile.

Surely the world would be coming to an end if that ever happened. He tried to imagine what a real smile would look like. Would the priest's droopy eyes lift slightly at the corners or would they close in mirth? The last time he saw the priest behaving in a remotely normal way was when the group encountered their imposters in a small village. It looked like it took a great deal of self-control for Sanzo not to bust up laughing. Even Hakkai, usually the most charitable member of the team, had some smartass comments to say. Sanzo simply covered his mouth and laughed softly.

"God, what are those stupid phonies up to nowadays anyway?" Gojyo wondered. Even though they were imprisoned because of those cosplaying bastards, it was one of the best laughs he had in his life.

"…quiet over there," a deep voice said from under the blankets.

Gojyo snapped out of his reverie only to say, "Huh?"

"I said, you're awfully quiet over there."

That was interesting. Gojyo thought for sure that the blond would be happy he wasn't making noise. That is, trying to start up simple conversation.

The redhead stretched his arms over his head and said, "I was just thinking."

"Don't hurt yourself," the blond said, not missing a beat.

Gojyo huffed and said under his breath, "My my, even coughing up his lungs, O Sanzo Hoshi-sama never loses his edge and trademark wit."

"Shut up. It's your fault I'm over here!"

Gojyo jumped out of the chair and stomped over to where Sanzo lay not caring about the sick man's sensitive ears.

"Look! You could have just ignored me. You didn't need to come drag me away from the damn fountain."

Despite feeling weak in his limbs, Sanzo pushed himself into a sitting position and said, "You were drunk off your ass, hugging, and singing to the damn fountain statue. You were causing a scene and I refuse to spend any money bailing you out of jail."

"Oh. Oh. Concerned about my welfare? It's not "your" money anyway!"

"Doesn't mean I should spend it on useless things," Sanzo said, putting extra emphasis on useless. "I'd rather get Goku twenty meat buns than spend it on you!"

Gojyo was vaguely hurt. "Damn! You're saying I'm worth less than twenty meat buns?"

"Well you prove slightly useful when it comes to physical labor, so your stock went up a little bit."

Gojyo sputtered. He just didn't understand how it was this asshole got to him this much. Sanzo was lucky he was sick and looked so pitiful bundled in the covers.

"Man, why do you dog me so bad?"

Sanzo rolled over in bed making sure he didn't rotate his neck because that would have made his head hurt more than it already did. Being alone with Gojyo equaled a migraine from Hell. He took in the tall redhead from the bottom of his brown boots, up his buffoonish pants—didn't Lirin wear a similar style?—to his white undershirt, and finally looked him dead in the eye and said, "Because." He said it as if that one word encapsulated everything he couldn't stand about the half-demon.

"Well aren't you just the debate team captain!" Gojyo yelled. "Because."

"I decided to give you the short version seeing that we don't have all year."

Gojyo stood fuming. Sanzo was glaring right back until his stomach cramping up made him break his gaze. The kappa mistakenly took that as a small victory and started to walk back to his chair.

Sanzo thought about what he ate last and he couldn't remember.

"Go make me a sandwich," he commanded.

Gojyo quickly turned around. "You've got to be fucking kidding me?"

"I'm hungry, asshole."

"Uh huh. What's the magic word?"

"Now!" Even though Sanzo's baritone voice was slightly sickly, it was still authoritative.

"You honestly expect me to do something for you after you just insulted me and placed my worth as less than something Goku can scarf down in three minutes?"

Sanzo stared at the ceiling in thought. Gojyo thought the man was going to say something an eighth-way apologetic when instead he heard, "That's about right."

Gojyo shut his eyes tightly and thought, "The man is sick and deranged." Out loud he said, "Why is it when you get sick you never lose your voice, huh?"

"Somebody up there hates you."

Gojyo went to the their travel cooler and pulled out some luncheon meat and bread.

"What the hell do you want on it?" he asked the surly priest.

"Mayonnaise," Sanzo said immediately. Unseen by him was the irritated half-demon mouthing the name of the condiment at the same time.

"What a predictable guy you are?" Gojyo thought. "And?" he asked out loud.

There was a moment's pause. "Salami."

Well, that was one good thing about the monk. Gojyo couldn't stand the stuff but at least they had Sanzo to polish off those last pieces.

"And would you like me to cut the crust off for you?" Gojyo asked sarcastically.

"No, but thanks," Sanzo replied.

Trust the blond to make Gojyo feel like an asshole. Gojyo dug through the halfway melted ice to get the small mayo container. When the small jar broke through the ice, Gojyo saw that it was not what Sanzo usually used. Goku must have picked it up. The label said 'Miracle Whip.'

"Same diff," Gojyo thought. He spread the stuff on both slices of bread then placed the peppercorn-laden meat on a slice and closed the sandwich with a sense of accomplishment.

Sanzo didn't talk with food in his mouth.

Too bad the monk couldn't break monkey boy out of spewing food all over the place when he spoke. Gojyo lost count of how many times Goku got smacked with that paper fan. How the hell did Sanzo get it to hurt so much? Maybe Hakkai would know. Probably something about angles and airspeed.

It was actually pretty embarrassing being a grown ass man and getting chastised by someone only your senior by one year. It was strange to Gojyo how sometimes Sanzo could seem so much older yet at other times he seemed younger than everyone else. "Well maybe not Goku," Gojyo amended.

"What the hell is taking you so long? I asked you to make a sandwich, not a clean energy propelled rocket!"

Gojyo was too amused by the comparison to take offense. "Clean energy propelled rocket?" he asked while putting the sandwich on a paper plate. "Where did that come from?"

"It was in the newspaper," the blond replied.

"And all this time I thought you were reading the funnies." Gojyo looked down at the bed-ridden man as if he saw him in a different light.

Sanzo would have rolled his eyes if it wouldn't make his head hurt. "That's Goku's section."

He sat up straighter in the bed so he could eat comfortably. Fortunately, his throat wasn't sore. That would have been a pain in the ass. He already had one pain in the ass to deal with; one that was currently looking at the priest as if he were waiting to hear praise of a cordon bleu caliber dish. For some reason this made Sanzo even more irritable.

"The hell are you standing over me for, dumbass? It's a fucking sandwich, not a gourmet meal!"

"Well damn, asshole. I shoulda spit on it. Then it would've been gourmet!" He walked back over to the cooler and pulled out a beer. Swishing his hand around he noticed that it was the last one. If the priest hadn't been so mean he would have given it to him.

"Bastard doesn't even know how to say thank you. Putting mayo on every god damned thing. So nasty," he muttered under his breath.

It was only 7:30 in the morning, too early to be drinking by most standards but given the situation most would understand Gojyo's need for alcohol. He sat back down in the chair. The sound of the bottle top popping attracted Sanzo's attention. Gojyo took a swig and watched Sanzo out the corner of his eye.

"Just eat your damn sandwich."

If Sanzo's glare were a bit harsher it would have cracked the beer bottle in Gojyo's grasp. He looked down at the sandwich. He really didn't understand why he liked mayonnaise so much but he knew it was one of the things that could put a damper on his 'have nothing' philosophy. This wasn't to say that mayo was the most important thing in his life but it was the easiest thing he could admit he enjoyed.

The monk took a bite out of his sandwich not because the redhead told him to but because he wanted to. He did ask for it in the first place. Sanzo closed his eyes in advance to further appreciate the flavor that only mayonnaise had. Cutting through the bread and salami with his incisors, he took a slow chewing pace to savor the sandwich only for his taste buds to be greeted by something unexpected.

"What. The fuck?"

Gojyo almost spit out his beer, shocked by the priest's sudden outburst. "What's the problem, now?"

Sanzo glared at him. "This is not mayonnaise!" he said pointing to the sandwich he unceremoniously dumped into his plate.

Sure it is. It's spreads creamy, it's off white, and comes… in a jar," Gojyo said.

Sanzo gave him a peculiar look. He turned slightly and looked to be adjusting his pillow but in reality he was looking for his Smith & Wesson. At first Gojyo didn't register that he was in danger but after being around the moody priest for so long, he picked up on other cues that would compensate for the initial misjudgment. There was a specific glint of malice present in Sanzo's purple eyes that made Gojyo do a rolling dive and hide under one of the other beds.

"Damn you! You trigger happy monk! What did I do this time?" a disembodied voice yelled.

"You're the one that never misses a beat. Any opportunity to throw in some lewd joke, you take it!"

"What dirty joke?" Gojyo asked, honestly not remembering anything pervy he said. Sanzo just thought the playboy was trying to get him to repeat the nasty line like a teenager telling a younger sibling to hold their tongue and say ship.

"Fuck you. You know what you said."

"Listen who's talking about being lewd! Doesn't seem too congruous for a priest to be saying, 'fuck you.'"

"Doesn't seem too congruous for a dumbass kappa bastard to use congruous in a sentence," Sanzo retorted.

"You don't live with Hakkai for three years and not pick up some highfalutin words."

"Well at least your ignorant ass is receiving some sort of education."

"I resent that," Gojyo drawled, "I'm well versed in all the things that matt-" Before he could finish his lewd—deliberate this time—statement, there was a smoking bullet hole in the ground near his head. His eyes widened. If Sanzo could shoot this well he couldn't be all that sick.

They stayed like that for a long time. A couple of times Gojyo tried to say something but Sanzo would fire a warning shot. He hadn't fired enough where he would have to reload his gun but he was getting close. One thing that might have saved Gojyo was that the priest decided to finish eating his sandwich.

Goku and Hakkai returning was a definite lifesaver. When Gojyo heard the key turning in the lock he thought, "Thank God!"

"Sanzo! We're back!" Goku hollered.

"Yes, I didn't know, until you told me."

The boy was so used to the blond's sarcasm that he didn't even flinch. "You sound a lot better but we got some medicine so you'll be as good as new." He put a large grocery bag on a small wooden table.

Hakkai didn't see Gojyo but sensed his presence nearby. "I guess we took too long getting back, Goku. Gojyo's no longer in the mortal plane but I still feel his spirit." The brunet put a hand to his chest, clearly moved by his own words.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're hilarious, Hakkai," Gojyo said from under the bed.

The green-eyed man feigned shock. "There really are creatures that live under the bed! And they know my name!" The way the Gojyo's red eyes shined in the darkness under the bed did make him look otherworldly.

The redhead got to his feet. "I'm so gonna kick your ass," he said while laughing. Hakkai always could make him feel better.

When Goku finished hovering over Sanzo he took a survey of the room. "One, two, three… four!" he counted. "Hakkai, you owe me twenty meat buns! There were only four bullets fired, not six."

"Oh well. Some you win and then some you lose," the monocle-wearing man said cheerfully.

THE END