By this time the Eunuchs had become real dicks. They demanded gifts from all those who helped defeat the rebels. All who didn't give gifts were relieved of their posts.
Huangfu Song: So I decided to give the Eunuchs a wagon full of gold catties.
Zhu Jun: You got them money? They are loaded with money. You could at least be creative.
Huangfu Song: Well what did you get them?
Zhu Jun: Me... uh... a fifty dollar gift card to Abercrombie and Fitch...
Huangfu Song: A gift card! That is so lame...
Lu Zhi: Hey guys! You should have seen the amazing jade statue I gave to the Eunuch on Tuesday.
Zhu Jun: But don't we give our gifts next tuesday?
Lu Zhi: No, didn't you get the memo?
Huangfu Song: Dude, we are so boned.
Luo Zhan: Rebellion soon broke out in Chang Sha and Yu Yang. Liu Tao approached the Emperor about the Eunuchs, but they started weeping at his feet.
Cao Jie: We mean no harm...
Zhao Zhong: Please spare us.
Eunuchs: We have no balls!
Emperor Ling: You also have servants. Why can't you bear with mine?
The Emperor wanted to execute Liu Tao, but Chen Dan interjected. He accused Feng Xu of being in league with the Yellow Turbans.
Feng Xu: It's perfectly normal to share a bed with little boys!
So Chen Dan and Liu Tao went to prison.
Chen Dan: Well this is just peachy.
Bubba: Ooh right...
Cao Jie: Perhaps we have grown too arrogant. I have already sent an edict to Sun Jian to remedy the situation in Chang Sha...
Sun Jian: Qa'Pla! Qa'Pla!
Cao Jie: Oh sounds like he's at it now. We'll make him lord of Wu Cheng. Now for the trouble in Yu Yang. We'll send Liu Yu.
Liu Yu commissioned Liu Bei to fight against the rebels. After a generic long spear joke, a generic cleft in twain joke, and an inept Liu Bei joke, the area was tranquil. Liu Bei was pardoned for his crimes and was made Deputy Magistrate of Xia Mi.
Gongsun Zan: Oh! Liu Bei is too good for that post! He defeated all the Yellow Turbans! And he is smart and able and sexy and smart and cool and...
For this rather disturbing praise, Liu Bei was promoted to Magistrate of Ping Yuan. Liu Yu was promoted to grand commander. Xu Huang still sucks. One day the Emperor grew seriously ill and called He Jin to arrange for the future. He Jin may be inept, but his sister was the village bicycle and she bore a son to the Emperor named Liu Bian. The Emperor had also greatly loved a tiger named Wang, who had born him a son named Liu Xian. Empress He had poisoned Wang from jealousy, and the baby had been given into the care of Empress Dong, who was the mother of Emperor Ling. Lady Dong was the wife of Liu Chang, Lord of Jie Du. As time went on and the Emperor Huan had no son of his own, he adopted the son of Liu Chang, who succeeded as the Emperor Ling. After his accession, Emperor Ling had taken his own mother into the Palace to live and had conferred upon her the title of Empress Dowager. And so are the days of our lives. The Empress Dong loved Xian and wanted him to be heir. The Eunuchs just thought a half-tiger emperor would be bitchin' awesome.
He Jin: I called you all here to talk about the Eunuchs. They want to put Xian on the throne now that Emperor Ling has died. I want Bian on the throne, but they set a trap for me. Oh, I feel so insignificant.
Yuan Shao: Don't feel insignif "I Can't", feel insignif "I Can"!
Cao Cao: Why not just call him significant?
Yuan Shao: What do inferiors like you know of the ways of government? All my ancestors had high posts in the government. Cheer up He Jin! I made an inspirational poster for you!
A large brightly colored poster was brought in, with the words "Eunuchs Got You Down? Have A Cookie!".
Cao Cao: You are a damn fool!
Yuan Shao: Don't even try me! I swear to God I'll make you feel bad!
He Jin: Oh screw this. We'll just go in and kill everyone.
But the Eunuchs sensed danger and pleaded with Empress He.
Cao Jie: It wasn't us! The Eunuch Jian Shou who set the trap!
Jian Shou: Whoa, hey, I'm just the janitor. I didn't...
GACK! After the execution of the Eunuch, Empress He called for He Jin. Time passed, one thing led to another, and Empress Dong was poisoned to death. But eventually He Jin decided that it would be a good idea to slay the Eunuchs. He met with Yuan Shao and the regular company.
He Jin: This will be hard, we'll need a well thought out plan.
Cao Cao: Solving this issue is as easy as turning over one's hand! Why so much talk?
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