Cao Cao: The eunuch evil is of very old standing, but the real cause of the present trouble is in the improper influence allowed them by the emperors and the misplaced favoritism they have enjoyed. But a gaoler would be ample force to employ against this kind of evil, and getting rid of the main culprits is quite enough. Why increase confusion by summoning troops from the regions? Any desire to slay all of them will speedily become known, and the plan will fail.
He Jin: Then, Cao Cao, you have some scheme of your own to further?
Cao Cao: Indeed. We shall poison the water supply.
He Jin: Won't that kill everyone in the capital?
Cao Cao: Yes! It's the perfect plan!
Yuan Shao: Now, now, there is no I in "poison the water su..."
Cao Cao: DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!
...
Yuan Shao: Somebody needs a hug.
Cao Cao: Argh! I'm leaving! The one who throws the world into chaos is He Jin!
So He Jin sent letters calling regional lords to assist against the Eunuchs. The ten utterly defenseless Eunuchs. Meanwhile Fatbody, I mean Dong Zhuo, had kissed just enough ass to get his old job back. He got the letter and practically drooled over the chance to take power for himself. He took a large army and headed towards Luo Yang. News reached He Jin and his posse.
Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!
He Jin: You are too timorous: You are unequal to great schemes.
Lu Zhi: Long have I known this man. In appearance innocent, he is a very wolf at heart. Let him in, and calamity enters with him. Stop him, do not let him come, and thus will you avoid upheaval. Otherwise we shall leave, right Tai?
Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!
He Jin: Fine! Be that way! Dong Zhuo will be my new friend! And we'll play kill the Eunuchs without you!
Saddened, He Jin looked upon one of Yuan Shao's inspiration posters. It said, "Friends Left You Because You're An Incompetent Fool? Don't Fret! Party Hardy!".
He Jin: Oh Yuan Shao, you are my only true friend.
By and by the Eunuchs realized they were in trouble again, so they whined to the Empress He. Then they set up a trap.
He Jin: Gee, I wonder what my sister wants. I better ask her.
Cao Cao: You dumbass.
Yuan Shao: I can make an inspirational poster to help you on your journey.
He Jin: I don't think that will be necessary. This should be rather routine.
He Jin walks into the palace.
He Jin: Oh hi Ten Eunuchs. Oh hi Empress He. Oh hi band of fifty armed ruffians lying in ambush at the Gate of Grand Virtue in the Palace of Happiness, where the Empress lives.
Zhang Rang: We need to talk. Apparently, your character doesn't poll well, so we are going to have to write you off.
He Jin: What polls? This story was just posted.
So He Jin was all prepared for the biggest stunt ever. He would jump over a shark on his jet ski.
He Jin: Ayy!
But he missed and was eaten.
Yuan Shao: Oh no!
Cao Cao: Oh yes!
Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!
Cao Cao: Oh screw this, CHARGE!
So all of the Eunuchs except Zhang Rang were slaughtered. Rang escaped north with the young princes. He led them north towards He Nan.
Min Gong: Hello? Are you kids screwing around again?
Zhang Rang: All is lost! I'll escape across the river! Oh no! I forgot that I don't know how to swim!
The boys came across the house of Cui Yi.
Cui Yi: To what household do you and your cat belong?
Liu Bian: Oh you are mistaken, I am the Emperor and this is my brother the Prince of Chen Liu.
Liu Xian: HISS!
Cui Yi: Right...
Yuan Shao: Is that you Emperor?
Liu Bian: Yes, how did you get here?
Yuan Shao: Oh I was just making Cui Yi some peace necklaces.
Liu Bian: What about the battle?
Yuan Shao: I prefer to think of myself as a conscientious objector.
Liu Bian: Right...
Yuan Shao was taking the Emperor back to the capital, when suddenly a cavalcade stopped them. It was Dong Zhuo.
Liu Bian: Have you come to protect the Chariot or to steal it?
Dong Zhuo: I have come to protect.
Liu Bian: If that is so then I am the Emperor. Why do you not dismount?
Dong Zhuo: Dismount?
With that Dong Zhuo fell off of his horse. When they got back to the palace, it had turned out that the imperial hereditary seal was missing. Just a little foreshadowing there. From there-on out, Dong Zhuo camped without the walls, but was constantly seen inside of Luo Yang being a dick.
Bao Xin: This man harbors some evil design and should be removed.
Yuan Shao: Oh Bao Xin... have a cookie.
Bao Xin: ... What?
In the meantime, Dong Zhuo had planned a tea party, of dastardly do. He would get people on his side or slay them.
Dong Zhuo: I have something to say. Listen quietly all of you! The emperor is lord of all. If he lacks dignity and behaves in an unseemly manner, he is no fitting inheritor of the ancestral prerogatives. He who is now on the throne is a weakling, inferior to the Prince of Chen Liu in intelligence, love of learning, and tiger ferocity. The Prince is in every way fitted for the throne. I desire to depose the Emperor and set up the Prince in his place. What think you?
Ding Yuan: I think that you are a dick, and that having a common household cat as Emperor is the most retarded idea I have ever heard.
Dong Zhuo: There is life for those who are with me, death for those against!
Dong Zhuo unsheathed his sword and rushed Ding Yuan, but he tripped. When he got up he came face to face with the might Lu Bu.
Dong Zhuo: Oh snap...
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