Dong Zhuo got up, but was lost for words. Lu Bu was the scariest looking man alive. He was nine feet tall. He had great bulky muscles, dragon like eyebrows, and great big fangs.
Lu Bu: Oh I'm sorry you must have tripped on this fork. That is so awful of me, to see a fork on the ground and not immediately pick it up. Why, it's lucky you didn't seriously injure yourself. Oh, how rude of me not to introduce myself. I am Lu Bu, and this is my adopted father Ding Yuan.
Li Ru: And it's great to meet the both of you, but we are late for an environmental awareness meeting.
Lu Bu: Oh that is so nice of you; we must preserve the environment for our children.
So Dong Zhuo and Li Ru left the building.
Dong Zhuo: We aren't going to any pansy environmental meeting!
Li Ru: You must watch out for Lu Bu.
Dong Zhuo: Well he's scary I'll admit, but he's a freaking bleeding heart.
Li Ru: I'm warning you, don't underestimate him.
So the next day Dong Zhuo led an army against Ding Yuan. Lu Bu was a conspicuous figure in the forefront. His hair was arranged under a handsome headdress of gold, and he had donned an embroidered thousand-flower fighting robe, a pheasant-tailed helmet, and breast plate, and round his waist was a gleaming jade belt with a lion's head clasp. With spear set he rode close behind his master Ding Yuan.
Ding Yuan: Unhappy indeed was this state when the eunuchs became so powerful that the people were as if trodden into the mire under their feet. Now you, devoid of the least merit, dare to talk of deposing the rightful emperor and setting up another. This is to desire rebellion and no less!
Dong Zhuo: What are you going to do? Your best general is a pansy!
Lu Bu: HUA!
Dong Zhuo: SON OF A B...
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Dong Zhuo's troops were routed.
Dong Zhuo: This Lu Bu is a marvel. If he were only on my side, I would defy the whole world!
Li Su: Be content, O my lord! I am a fellow villager of his and know him well: He is valorous, but not crafty; he will let go principles, when he sees advantages. With this little, blarneying tongue of mine, I can persuade him to put up his hands and come over to your side. You have a fine horse, Red Hare, one of the best ever bred. I must have this steed, and gold and pearls to win his heart. Then will I go and persuade him. He will certainly abandon Ding Yuan's service for yours.
Dong Zhuo: What you think Li Ru?
Li Ru: I so told you so. Dumbass.
Luo Zhan: Li Su visited Lu Bu.
Lu Bu: Friend, it is wonderful to see you. How rude of me to have lost contact.
Li Su: Oh it's ok. Your whole family was murdered and you were kidnapped and taken to the farthest reaches of the land. It's understandable.
Lu Bu: No, I could have at least tried to escape my captors.
Li Su: Yeah... well you were pretty impressive in the battle today.
Lu Bu: I fight for a more peaceful world. If there aren't any more enemies, then there wouldn't be war.
Li Su: Then why did you cut off their heads and crap down their necks?
Lu Bu: A nice peaceful world.
Li Su: So do you think Ding Yuan can ensure a peaceful world?
Lu Bu: I can do no better. It would be impolite to leave him after he has taken care of me so.
Li Su: I have come now to present to you a really fine horse, a three-hundred-mile-a-day horse, one that crosses rivers and goes up mountains as if they were the level plain. Its name is Red Hare. It will be a fitting aid to your valor.
Lu Bu bade his guards lead out the horse. It was of a uniform color like glowing-sun red---not a hair of another color. It measured ten spans from head to tail and from hoof to neck eight spans. When it neighed, the sound filled the empyrean and shook the ocean. It was also a bitchin' awesome race horse.
Lu Bu: What return can I hope to make for such a creature?
Li Su: You can join Dong Zhuo.
Lu Bu: But I could never betray master Yuan.
Li Su: There are a few things you should know about Ding Yuan.
Li Su whispered into Lu Bu's ear.
Lu Bu: No... NO... NOT THE CHILDREN!
Then Li Su produced his pearls and gold and the jeweled belt and laid them out before his host.
Li Su: Dong Zhuo has long respected your bravery and sent these by my hand. Red Hare was also from him.
Lu Bu: I might slay Ding Yuan and bring over his soldiers to Dong Zhuo's side.
Luo Zhan: That night, Lu Bu confronted his father.
Ding Yuan: My son, what is afoot?
Lu Bu: I will slay you! FOR THE CHILDREN!
Ding Yuan: NO!
Lu Bu then gouged out Ding Yuan's eyeballs and, well, it's not worth going into detail over. With Lu Bu on his side, Dong Zhuo grew very powerful. He then called a great banquet.
Dong Zhuo: He who is above us being weak and irresolute is unfit for the duties of his high place. Wherefore I, as of old did Yi Yin and Huo Guang, will set aside this Emperor giving him the title of Prince of Hong Nong, and I will place on the throne the present Tiger Prince. And those who do not support me will suffer death.
All were too afraid to comment, but one man burst into tears and stood up. That man was Yuan Shao.
Yuan Shao: The Emperor was innocent of any fault, and to set him aside in favor of a commoner was rebellion and nothing else!
Dong Zhuo: The empire is in my hands! When I choose to do this thing, who will dare to say nay? Think you my sword lacks an edge?
Yuan Shao: THERE IS NO I IN "IF YOUR SHORD IS SHARP, MINE IS NEVER BLUNT"!
Both: AHH!
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