Yuan Shao and Dong Zhuo were attacking each other. But Li Ru checked him. Because he is a pansy.

Lu Bu: I was rather fond of that man. Oh! I know! We should promote him!

Wu Qiong: Yuan Shao is fond of scheming, but he fails in decision and so is not to be feared. But it would be well to give him rank and thus win popular favor.

Dong Zhuo: What? Are you two gay or something?

So Yuan Shao was given an office in Bo Hai. The next day, Dong Zhuo called the Emperor and many officials to the Halls of Virtue.

Dong Zhuo: The Emperor is a weakling unequal to the burden of ruling this land. Now listen ye to the document I have prepared!

Li Ru proceeded to read the decree.

Li Ru: Umm... Dong Zhuo, we have a problem.

Dong Zhuo: What is it now?

Li Ru: It says, "I want piece in the world because then we will get flowers and love and makes the world go round. And pandas,".

Dong Zhuo: LU BU!

Lu Bu: What?

Dong Zhuo: Where is my decree?

Lu Bu: Your decree was very mean so I paraphrased it.

Dong Zhuo: What about the part about the deposition of the Emperor?

Lu Bu: That wasn't very nice so I had to cut it.

Dong Zhuo: Argh! Never mind, just imprison the Emperor and replace him with Emperor Xian.

Ding Guan: The false Dong Zhuo is the author of this insult, which I will risk my life to wipe away!

Ding Guan, who is only mentioned as a filler, was promptly executed. But he died valiantly. Oh wait, no, he didn't. Dong Zhuo became Prime Minister and was more powerful than ever. The prince of Chen Liu, his mother, and the Lady Tang were imprisoned in the Palace of Forever Calm. The prince wept like a little baby, and started singing songs.

Dong Zhuo: Songs! This is clearly an act of rebellion!

Li Ru: Yeah, I don't think...

Dong Zhuo: EXECUTE THEM!

Li Ru: ... Ha... Fine. It's not like anyone else does anything around here.

Li Ru visited the prince. He brought a cup of wine.

Li Ru: Spring is the season of blending and harmonious interchange, and the Prime Minister sends a wine cup of longevity.

Lady Tang: Don't drink it! It's a kick, in a glass!

Li Ru: Oh somebody throw her out the window already.

THROW!

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Empress He: The rebel forces us to death, mother and son, and Heaven has abandoned us. But you, the tool of his crime, will assuredly perish.

THROW!

Empress He: NOOO!

Li Ru: Now drink or be killed by my blade!

Li Ru then forced the drink down the prince's mouth.

Liu Bian: It is but orange juice.

Li Ru: What?

Li Ru drank.

Li Ru: Hmm... LU BU!

Lu Bu peaks his head around the corner.

Li Ru: Did you do this?

Lu Bu: I thought it was an awful way to die.

Li Ru: Oh screw it!

THROW!

Lu Bu: Wow that is a long way down.

Liu Bian: WAHHHH!

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Empress He: NOOO!

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

Empress He: Zheng Tai? What are you doing here?

Zhang Tai: I tripped out the window a few months ago!

Empress He: ... NOOO!

Liu Bian: WAHHHH!

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

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