Nancy clutched the bear as she stood in the doorway of his apartment. "This is nice," she said weakly.
"You've never been here before, have you." He smiled at her as he carried their suitcases back to his bedroom.
All dark wood and cream-colored walls. She took a few steps and looked down into the sunken living room. His computer desk stood in the corner with his credenza next to it. Plush overstuffed cream-colored couch, gleaming silver entertainment center. A lone spidery potted plant.
"Isn't that the one Bess and George gave you?" Nancy asked, her voice a little bit stronger.
He nodded. "Amazing how hardy it is. I'm always forgetting to water it." He rubbed his hands together briskly. "So, care for the grand tour?"
She took in everything, even though she felt as though her feet were not actually touching the floor. After they had been released from the police station, after they had made their statements, he'd insisted that they go to the emergency room and have her checked out, even though she just wanted some place to sit down and Ned looked almost dead from jetlag. The paper bag from the drugstore, which he'd placed on the kitchen bar, contained the mild sedative she'd been prescribed. She was still a little bit in shock, she could feel it.
He opened the glass-fronted kitchen cabinet and took out two glasses. "Want a drink? Water or anything?"
"Water would be nice," she whispered. He filled the glass from the dispenser in the refrigerator door and handed it to her.
She cupped her hands around it and stared down at her reflection. "Thanks," she said, looking up. "I don't think I could have slept there tonight." She snickered. "Or any night, really."
"Hey, it's all right," he murmured, putting his arm over her shoulders. "You can crash here as long as you need to."
"And borrow the Jaguar?"
He laughed. "We can talk about that later."
She knew he was dead on his feet, but she didn't want him out of her sight. Not now. If he had any trepidation or misgivings about entering the shower with her, he didn't say so.
He wrinkled his nose at her shampoo. "I thought you were using Herbal Essence," he said.
Nancy thought for a minute, then laughed. "That was years ago. And I wasn't actually using it then."
He shrugged as he lathered it into her hair, then his. "I've always wanted smooth hair," he said, reading the front of the bottle.
She smiled at him and he put it down, then accepted her into his arms. He leaned his head against her shoulder. "I'm cool with shampoo but I'm not gonna use that puff thing on you, okay, because it's really late..."
"It's all right," she murmured into his cheek. His arms tightened around her and she felt him sigh as she started crying again, but he didn't say anything. He just held her, stroking her back gently.
"I was so afraid," she whispered. "I couldn't do it, I couldn't let him take me again, and then you walked in the door..."
"You didn't answer your phone when I called," he murmured. He slid his fingers down her cheek.
"How did you get in?" She wiped her face.
He grinned. "Lockpick kits are really useful things to have," he replied.
"Do you have a shirt I can borrow?"
Ned walked stiffly to his dresser and opened a drawer. "I thought I saw nightgowns in that suitcase," he commented.
Nancy shuddered. "He touched them. He made me pack for the trip."
He nodded to himself, then tossed her a shirt advertising a local radio station. She pulled it on and they burrowed under the covers, with the bear on Nancy's other side.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead. "You took your sleeping pill, right?" he mumbled.
"Sure," she whispered.
"And you'll sleep, right? He won't be here. I swear."
"I'll try," she murmured.
He opened his eyes and stared into hers. "You don't try, you do," he said in a mock-stern voice. He kissed her forehead again. "Sleep, Nan..."
He rolled over in her arms. "Hey," he said, stretching his arms over his head, then slipping one around her shoulders. "Hey."
"I tried to wake you up a few hours ago but you wouldn't."
He glanced at the clock. "They're not expecting me in today. I think we should eat something. Blueberry pancakes."
"Blueberry pancakes sounds great."
Ned leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Then we should get dressed and go to the pancake house."
Nancy laughed. "And here I was thinking that you would actually go in the kitchen and make us some."
"Did you sleep last night?" He stared into her eyes.
"I woke up this morning," she admitted. She traced a finger down his cheek. "I must have slept. You're really comfortable to sleep with."
He raised an eyebrow, grinning. "Thanks. Been a while since I've heard that."
After they had ordered coffee, Nancy settled her chin on her hand. "Do you want to talk here?"
Ned glanced around. They were surrounded by talking couples and bustling waitstaff. No one seemed particularly interested in the two of them, beyond the usual vaguely admiring glances. "Just drop your voice when you start talking about all the things you want to do to me."
Nancy quirked an eyebrow. "About me staying over."
"You can stay as long as you want." Ned smiled and nodded at the waitress, then stirred sugar into his coffee. Nancy also smiled but followed the waitress away with her gaze before she continued.
"In your bed?"
Ned shrugged. "Two cold showers a day and I'm good." He smiled.
"Are you seeing anyone else right now?"
He rubbed a hand over his face. "Is this because of the overnight bag I keep in my trunk?"
She toyed with her coffee and nodded.
"That's for if I get drunk and end up at a friend's house. A male friend's house."
"What are you expecting out of this?"
He tilted his head. "Out of what? Out of us?"
She nodded. "Bess seems to think..."
"What?" he asked, when she just chuckled and didn't continue.
"She thinks that we're going to be serious."
He smiled and took another sip of his coffee. "Maybe we will."
"But is that what you want?"
"Nan... I want to be with you. If you want to be friends the rest of our lives..." he shrugged. "I won't like it but I'll live with it."
The waitress returned, and they ordered omelets, Ned's with blueberry pancakes. He took another sip of his coffee and met her gaze across the table. "Is that what you want?"
"I feel like I took advantage of you. Like I still am. Staying at your place..."
Ned reached across the table and took her hand. "Look at me. Right now. Everything that happened back then, starting now, I want you to forget it. Jean is in prison, and whatever happened between us, I'm sorry. You were right and we weren't ready, and I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you for making that mistake."
"But I left you."
"You were afraid, weren't you?"
She nodded. "I... God, I hate to say it now. I didn't want to live in that little apartment. I didn't want to live off ramen noodles and saltine crackers and keep house while you started a career. I wanted to be in my nice safe comfortable house with Hannah and my dad and my car and able to do what I wanted to do. I love you, I loved you then, but the thought of it... it was like prison. It was going to be so hard."
He was quiet for a minute. "Do you feel that way now?"
She shook her head vehemently. "No. If you..." She dragged a hand through her hair. "I've had my own life. I want you to be in it."
"But that's what I want too. You're not taking advantage of me by wanting that."
"I can't even sleep all the way through the night or go a day without crying."
He half-smiled. "You think I won't want to be with you until you can do those things?"
"I just..."
"Is that why you wanted me to go to Paris?"
She nodded. "I didn't stand by you back then. I don't want you suffering for mistakes I've made."
He raised his eyebrow. "I'm helping a friend," he said quietly. "I want you to tell me how you feel, what you're thinking. I don't want you to lie to me. And I want you to trust my judgement, Nan."
"The truth sucks."
"That's not your fault. What happened between us... that's in the past. And as for Jean, I'd take him apart with my bare hands if it would make you sleep through the night, if it would make you feeling this way."
"How can I stop feeling this way?" she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I went to him. Year after year." She rubbed her hands over her eyes as the waitress, looking concerned, placed their plates on the table.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
Nancy nodded. "I'm okay, thanks." Ned's gaze remained locked on hers as the waitress retreated.
"You're not okay, are you," he murmured.
She took a few deep breaths and scrubbed her napkin over her face. "I'm... I just wonder what I could have done differently. I feel so ashamed when I think about how I flirted with him back then."
"Stop it. You can't change it."
"I have to figure it out. So it won't happen again."
"Won't happen with me?"
She jabbed a fork into the egg and twisted it to reveal the cheese inside. "I don't know," she mumbled.
"Don't send me away again," he whispered, shaking his head. "So what if you can't do this by yourself? Don't you see..." He glanced away. "We're stronger together than we are apart."
"I need to do this by myself..."
He leaned over the table and placed a finger over her lips. "I want you to listen to me. Just nod your head, okay?"
She nodded.
"You can't do this by yourself. I'm sure Doctor Strathman will tell you the same thing. You can't. You need someone's shoulder to cry on, you need someone to help you when you don't have the strength left. And I have been waiting five years to be that person for you. For whatever reason, Nan, back then, it just wasn't the right time. But right now..." His eyes were wet.
She kissed his fingertip. "Have you been waiting five years to be my husband again?"
He blinked a few times. "I'm not saying that."
"You tell me to be honest with you. Be honest with me. Is that what you want?"
He nodded. "Yes," he said hoarsely.
She gripped his hand tightly. "Not yet."
"All right," he replied, tightening his grip for a second, then releasing her. "I'm gonna grab the fish tank."
She watched him unplug it and gather her supplies, but her gaze wandered. Back to her desk. The blood drops still on the floor.
She was in her tailored lilac silk suit, he in his charcoal grey with a blue shirt. She had caught sight of him once when they were out to lunch together. They looked like a power couple together, sleek hair and gleaming profiles and smooth lines. Today he was sacrificing his lunch hour with her, to see if she was ready to go back to her apartment for a reason other than retrieving a few more clean business suits.
Despite herself she knew that she wanted the fish tank to sit at the end of his bar.
He walked back over and took her chin in his hand. "Hey," he said softly.
She focused on his face. "Hey," she replied.
"I think you only have three suits left in the closet. Want me to go grab them?"
She smiled softly. "If you don't mind."
They were in the shower later, when Nancy felt Ned's hand lingering on her hip. She looked up at him in surprise, but he was staring down in something other than lechery. She followed his gaze.
"Um..."
"You have a tattoo?" he asked softly.
She brushed her hand over the design on her hip, but it didn't smear. "I don't remember drawing this on me," she replied.
"Five," Ned breathed. "One for every year..."
Nancy's eyes filled. "Do you think he did this?"
"Do you remember having five flowers scarred into your hip?" he asked.
"No," she admitted, then brushed her hand over her face.
"Tell me you don't miss your lazy Saturday mornings."
He rolled over. "It's worth it."
She grinned. "You were right. My landlady almost bent over backwards. Offered me reduced rent, said she'd tighten security..."
Ned smiled. "And still no?"
She shook her head. "She's not even charging me last month's rent. But she couldn't think of any other places I might want to try..."
He threw back the covers. "I wonder why," he said through his yawn.
An hour later they were packing boxes. Ned was coming behind her in the bedroom with a bucket full of mop water as she finished cleaning out her closet's upper shelf. She brought down a box and started laughing.
"What's that?" he called, rolling up his sleeves.
She choked her laugh off. "Oh... just some things."
He spotted the scrawled black marker on the side of the box. "Things I gave you."
She ran her hand over the scarf she'd tied over her hair. "And things that made me think of you."
He smiled. "Wedding dress."
"Yeah," she said softly. She shook her head briskly, as though to clear it. "This is one to keep."
He laughed and returned to his mop bucket. "Now I'll wonder if you only said that because I was here."
"Hey," she protested, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around him. "You had the rings, I had the box."
"Remind me to show you my own box sometime," he chuckled.
"You have the truck all day, right?" she asked anxiously.
He nodded. "Until eight." He reached over and tugged at her headscarf. "Take that thing off, I feel like I'm playing hooky with the hired help."
She raised an eyebrow at him, then untied it and tossed her hair so it gleamed in the dappled sunlight. "Sounds like a little fantasy you might have."
He chuckled. Then he unpacked a plastic container of roasted chicken and handed it to Nancy, who placed it on the gingham blanket she'd spread on the grass. He handed over a loaf of bread and a container of fruit cocktail, then moved on to the next bag.
"Please tell me she remembered silverware."
He smiled. "She said four other couples had come in today asking for a picnic lunch, so I hope so..."
Thirty minutes later she fed him the last deviled egg, giggling when his lips closed over her fingertips. She leaned back on the other side of the blanket. "We should do this again sometime."
He smiled. "When will we have another day like this one?" He swept his arm, indicating the view. "Beautiful weather, my hands smell like Pine-Sol..."
She laughed. Then she rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin in her hands. "You do so much for me. You even mop."
He mock-bowed. "At your service, milady."
She climbed up and kissed him on the mouth. "Thanks," she murmured, staring at his lips.
He kissed her in return. "I'd give up the rest of my lazy Saturdays for you. Just to see you."
She paused for a long second. "I'm not pregnant."
His eyes opened wide, and then he crushed her against him. "Thank God," he whispered. "Thank God. You're sure?"
A smile quirked her mouth. "It's not like any of this flirting's gonna lead anywhere," she chastised him, beaming.
He groaned. "Well, at least I'm not gonna try to fool around in the middle of the night for the next week..."
"Are you sure you don't want me to whip something up?"
Ned shook his head. "You sure you don't want to stay?"
Nancy shook her head. "Your friends come over here to get away from chicks, not to see another one."
He smiled. "I think they wouldn't mind seeing you so much."
She finished tearing open the bag of Doritos and smacked his shoulder. "What, would you have me prancing around here in a cheerleader outfit or something?"
"I don't think we'd get much poker played."
She dumped the bag into a bowl and snatched a chip. "Don't let me have any more," she cautioned him. "I don't think my stepmother would like it if I only had one serving of whatever she's cooked tonight."
"So are you just going to hang out with your dad after that? Not that you can't come back here," he quickly clarified.
She smiled. "Nice try. Nah, George is home for a month at her parents'. She's taking a break before she leads a group up Mount Rainier."
Ned smiled. "Mmm. I remember that. I half wanted you to come down with hypothermia."
Nancy chuckled. "Yeah, Bess and George and I are gonna go out for a drink. Little ladies' night out while you're hanging out with the guys, smoking cigars and exaggerating your sexual exploits."
"I never exaggerate," Ned said in a shocked voice. "And the landlady doesn't like cigar smoke so we don't do so much of that, either."
"Good for her."
"Bess can drink so soon after having her baby?"
Nancy shook her head. "Bess'll be DD."
Ned looped an arm around her shoulders. "Just take it easy tonight, right? We both gotta work in the morning."
Nancy shrugged. "I'll be all right."
"The phone at your apartment has been disconnected," Carson commented.
They were walking down the street outside the new house. Nancy's hands were in her pockets. "You can always reach me on my cell, Dad."
"Where are you staying?"
Nancy kicked at a stone in the sidewalk. "Ned's letting me crash at his place."
Carson's lips quirked in a smile. "Don't try to double-talk the lawyer. You're living with him?"
"Only for a while."
"How long have you been there?"
Now Nancy smiled. "Cross-examining, counselor?"
He slowed his steps. "I know it's been a long time, a very long time, since you've let me tell you what to do. You're a grown woman now and I respect that. But is it possible that you could find somewhere else to live?" He glanced down at her hand. "I don't see an engagement ring on that finger."
"We're not." Nancy sighed, twisting at the simple band she was wearing around her thumb. "And our behavior is beyond reproach."
"Like anyone would believe that, with the two of you under the same roof."
Nancy chuckled, holding her hands up, palms out. "All right, all right, Dad. Just because I know the truth doesn't mean anyone else does. I get that."
"Can you just promise me that you'll at least look for another place to live?"
"I'll look, Dad. Scout's honor."
"Look doesn't mean move." Bess nodded. "As though your dad can tell you what to do anymore."
Nancy shook her head, twirling her straw in her drink. "Well, living with Ned is rent-free."
"In return for...?" George wiggled her eyebrows.
Nancy snickered. "In return for the occasional shower. And we're not even talking soap opera caliber here. We go to bed and sleep. Finally," she muttered under her breath.
"So things are going better that direction?"
Nancy took a sip of her drink and nodded at Bess. "Yeah. The shrink says I'm making great progress But come to think of it, he was also a little wary of me staying over at Ned's place..."
Bess exhaled explosively. "Guys. What do they know?"
"Says she who is the only married woman at this table." George tossed her straw paper at Bess, who giggled.
"Hey. All I can vouch for is that mine is good in bed."
"We are married," Nancy said to herself, then repeated it more loudly. "You saw it," she said, glancing between both of them. "What's the problem with us sleeping under the same roof?"
Bess shrugged. "Your Dad didn't accept it back then. Why would he now? And... Nan, it's not like you've exactly been acting like a married woman all these years."
Nancy looked at George, who shrugged, nodding at Bess. "She's right, Nan. Remember Mick?"
"And Peter? And Jake?"
Nancy shook her head. "All right, all right," she said. She raised a finger to the barman. "Shot."
"So... you two on my schedule yet?"
Nancy shook her head mournfully, then tossed back her shot and gave the bartender a dazzling smile. "We just found out I'm not pregnant. We're taking things slow. I don't want to screw everything up again."
"Pregnant?" George looked between them. "Um... thought you just said the two of you weren't having sex."
"Thank God," Bess answered Nancy's cell phone about four hours and six shots later.
"Bess?" Ned asked. "Where's Nancy?"
"Passed out on my couch right now. If you're willing to drive out here into the subdivisions, I'll help you lug her out to your car. That or you can pay for the cab ride."
"Why didn't you just call me, Bess?"
"I lost your number. When I tried to find it in Nan's phone I think I accidentally switched the language to Japanese."
Ned laughed. "Put her in a cab. Thanks."
He hung up the phone. "All right, Jim," he said, prodding the prone figure sprawled on his couch. "Closing time, bud."
Nancy jerked awake. "Mmm— what?"
Ned rolled over. "Go back to sleep, Nan," he slurred.
She reached up and brushed her hair out of her face with clumsy fingers. Her head fell back on the pillow and she moaned. Ned scrabbled under the covers and held his arm aloft above her. "Water," he droned, pointing at the nightstand on her side of the bed. She turned her head by slow degrees and stared at the glass he had placed there.
"Oh God," she murmured, and rolled off the bed. He heard the bathroom door slam behind her.
The sunlight slanted through the blinds. Ned finished tying his robe and wrinkled his nose at the full ashtrays on the dining room table, the orange crumbs ground into the carpet. He nudged Jim's shoulder again, stifling a laugh at the sight of Jim's face up against the upholstery, his mouth gaping open as he snored.
"Hey man. Don't you have work?"
Jim blinked, then wiped his chin. He looked around the room. "Ugh. Thanks man. I'm gonna..."
Ned hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "Phone's over there. Call yourself a cab if you need one."
"My car should be downstairs still... man your couch is comfortable."
Ned was still laughing as the door shut behind Jim. He heard Nancy's distinctive cell phone tone ringing from his bedroom and wandered back in. Nancy was totally oblivious on the bed.
"Nan. Hey, Nan..." He shook her shoulder, then touched her face, which remained slack.
He shrugged and dug her phone out of the pile of her clothes on his floor. The caller ID read her office number. He tried one more time to rouse her. "Nan, it's your office..."
She didn't respond.
He sighed and pressed the answer button. "Hello?"
He heard her secretary giggle on the other end of the line. "Um, hi. I'm trying to reach Nancy?"
"She's asleep right now," he explained softly. "I'll get her to give you a call back."
"It's nothing that important, just wondering when she'd be in today. But yeah, have her call back. Sorry."
"It's okay." Ned hung up the phone.
Nancy was blinking at him. "Oh God. What ran over me?"
Ned quirked an eyebrow. "Um, you may want to call the office back, once you... finish," he called after her as she raced back to the bathroom.
"You're looking better."
Nancy rolled her eyes. "So are you. Three days in New York agrees with you."
He smiled. "Maybe next time you can go with me."
She shook her head. "Thanks for coming with me today."
"Thanks for putting it off so I could come."
They were whispering in the back of the realtor's SUV. Nancy had contacted an agency to show her townhouses, but the girl she'd been paired with looked fresh out of school.
"What about this one? Good for a family," the driver said hopefully.
Nancy was about to laugh and direct her on when she glanced out the window. She glanced back at Ned, who shrugged.
"Hey, I'm just here to point out cracks in the foundation and get pointers for when I go house shopping."
Nancy gave him a half-smile as the SUV pulled into the driveway. "Yeah."
Ned slipped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "Hey, it's okay. I'll buy you lunch when we get away from all this."
Nancy rolled her eyes. "Just don't answer my phone again, okay?" she said, her eyes sparkling. She slid out of the car and tugged her jacket on. "My secretary has been teasing me about that for days now."
"Hey, you were in no condition to answer it," he protested as he climbed out behind her.
"Better to hear what a lush I am than 'Nancy and Ned are sitting in a tree...'"
"Mmm, just like Mom used to make." Ned smiled.
Nancy smirked. "During your mom's forgotten Boston Market phase?"
"You keep sassing me, and no more picnics."
Nancy laid her plasticware aside and dropped to hands and knees. "Oh Ned, no, no, please, we must have more picnics," she murmured, her eyes gleaming. "What could I ever do..."
He swallowed his bite of mashed potatoes and kissed her. "Be good," he admonished her.
She laughed and spread her arms. "We're in the middle of a park with five toddlers around us. How can I be anything else but good?"
He took a sip of her lemonade. "Don't tell me you haven't been eyeing that clearing over there."
She put a hand on her hip. "I think you have."
He shook his index finger back and forth. "Be good and I'll actually cook the lunch next time."
She whistled appreciatively. "French?"
"Whatever you want. I'm a reasonable man."
He knocked on the door of her office. When she glanced over, he raised his eyebrows. She shook her head, then motioned for him to come take a seat.
"No. Stay with him... listen, I think I'm going to come out there. No... no, I didn't say that. I don't think that. Let me call you back. Just keep an eye on him..." Nancy hung up the phone and rolled her eyes. "Poker night tonight?"
He nodded. "You look a little busy..."
She massaged her temples briskly. "I think I'm going to have to fly out to San Antonio tonight and babysit. She can't get a lead and I can't help but think she must be missing something."
"Need to be a bit more hands-on?" He came up behind her chair and started kneading her shoulders.
Nancy moaned and sank down to the surface of her desk. "Just don't let..."
They heard the cleared throat at the same time. Nancy's secretary stood in the doorway, her eyebrow raised. "Thought you might like to see this," she said, sliding a sheet of paper onto Nancy's desk. Then, smiling, she walked out and pointedly closed the door behind her.
Nancy muttered a curse. "Great."
Ned started in on her neck as he stole a glance at the letterhead. "No way," he said.
"Let me see," Nancy mumbled, tilting her head to see the paper. "Mmm, right there," she breathed, closing her eyes again. "Good thing you don't work with me, I'd never get anything done. But I'd be incredibly relaxed."
He laughed and gave her a final squeeze, then stood back. She pouted slightly, then glanced at the sheet of paper. Halfway down she stopped, balled the paper up and tossed it into her trash can.
"That's the third time this year she's tried to apply here."
"Do you have a lot of openings?"
Nancy shrugged. "Sometimes." She lifted her phone's receiver and pressed a button. "Hey... yeah. Can you book me on the soonest possible flight to San Antonio? Thanks." She hung up.
"At the rate we're going, Leslie probably thinks she's going to walk in on us next."
Ned sat on the corner of her desk. "That could be arranged."
"Maybe then she'd stop asking me if she can have your phone number. Though now she says 'if you promise not to answer when I call.'" Nancy ran a hand through her hair. "I'm really sorry. We had reservations tonight, didn't we."
Ned shrugged. "I'm sure the guys won't mind spending a few hours at a bar before we start playing cards. Makes some of them play better."
She half-smiled. "Maybe things will calm down soon."
He stood. "I think you've been to every corner of the continental United States this week."
She shrugged. "Not much is happening out in Seattle. Though I bet you just jinxed me."
He slumped back in the chair in front of her. "I really should go," he said. "You look like you're in the middle of a working lunch."
She propped her chin on her hand. "I'd love to go with you but we'd have to settle for a burger. Are you upset?"
He leaned forward, elbows propped on his knees, and steepled his fingers. "I'm not upset."
"Look at me," she murmured. He complied, then glanced away. "This weekend is ours. I promise."
He didn't say anything.
"I mean it, Ned."
He stood. "Look... have a nice flight, okay?" He put his hand on the doorknob.
She stood and came around her desk, put a hand on his arm. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "No, I'm sorry." His jaw was set.
She smoothed a hand over her hair. "I'm cutting back," she told him in a low voice. "One of my operatives... well, anyway. She's ready to be in charge here. And I don't know that my heart's in this anymore."
He snickered. "Nancy, this..." he spread his arms. "This is who you are."
"Not this. Not chasing down unfaithful husbands and cheating wives. This isn't what I used to do. I used to help people."
"You are helping people."
She leaned against the wall. "Dad asks me every now and then if I want to come to his practice. Be a partner at the firm."
"You have legal training?"
She shrugged. "I have some. Wouldn't be too hard to go back and get a paralegal degree."
"And you want to do that?"
"I don't know what I want anymore. But it's like you said. I feel like I've barely seen you in the past week. And this is how it was, before... before everything that happened. I was never anywhere for long. I didn't have time for anyone."
He put his hands in his pockets. "We have a weekend, you said. That's a start."
"And next week I'll be waking you up at 1am when I come in, still thinking about the case I'm working."
He glanced at his watch. "Let me buy you a burger."
They walked past her smiling secretary down to the parking lot. Nancy fastened the seat belt in the passenger side of Ned's car. "You don't believe me, do you."
"It's not that. I believe that right now at this moment you may not be happy. But that's not the same thing as changing your career, your entire life around. And I'm trying to be realistic."
"So am I."
He reached over and patted her hand. "You'll be back tomorrow, right?"
She nodded.
"We'll talk then. And I'll make reservations for us, Sunday night. But you have twenty-four hours. Who knows how you'll feel tomorrow morning?"
She smiled weakly. "I'll still feel this way."
"And if you do we can talk about it then."
"About my options?"
He nodded. "Anything you want. I remember that you wanted to be a doctor once." He winked at her.
She smiled. "I don't think so, not anymore. I don't like to see blood."
They sat in silence for a minute. Nancy touched his knee. "I love you," she murmured.
He glanced over at her. "Love you too."
"Feels like we're dating again." She sighed. "No sex and we have five minutes for a burger before I have to go back and track down some woman who faked her own death eight years ago for insurance money."
"But back then I didn't spend eight hours with you in my arms almost every night."
Nancy grinned as Ned maneuvered his car into the drive-thru lane and ordered her meal without even asking her. Even remembered that she wouldn't want onions. "There is that," she admitted. "No more separate rooms."
He turned to her. "You can do anything," he told her, holding her gaze. "You can be anyone you want to be."
"What if I want to be with you?"
Nancy stared out the window on the plane. She couldn't see; the night was moonless around her.
Career or marriage. Love or job.
Ned didn't have that problem. Ned was working nine to five, corner office, business trips abroad and a Jaguar. His job didn't spill into their plans, the plans she had started breaking more and more frequently now.
He'd been the one to tell her that she needed to take herself off desk duty. He'd been the one to convince her that she was fine again, safe again. Who swore that he'd be with her, even if only as her friend.
But she could feel his frustration. For that glorious time between, they had lunch together nearly every day, cooked dinner together. Showered together. Slept together. She had become comfortable with him again. He had called her every time he'd had to leave, bought her unexpected white roses and dinner on nights they were too tired to cook.
They were playing at house.
And then she had gone back to work, full-time, no more time off for self-pity or unfounded fear. No more time for him, either. Work was what life was when Ned wasn't there.
They didn't talk. They had the night together, but he was asleep when she came home. No more morning jogs or breakfast in bed or time for picnics in the park because in her job everything overflowed from the four-hour pockets of time his job seemed to fit so neatly into. Operatives and desperate clients.
Why buy a house when she'd never see it, save in moonlight?
Why buy a house when it means I'll have to sleep in an empty bed?
Maybe he'd be better off if she left. He'd told her he wanted her to do what made her happy. That's what detective work had been. Not even detective work, she corrected herself. Chasing down cheating spouses and dirty money and angry people.
But she couldn't seriously think about leaving. Not even with her father's admonishment.
One day he'll find someone who works decent hours and doesn't have baggage and will sleep with him. Maybe he already has. He's stopped asking me, stopped waking up in the middle of the night...
For a week I've been so tired I couldn't see straight. For five years I've been the only one he's thought about. And he's said he'll be here for me as my friend.
But he doesn't just want to be friends.
She remembered how her heart had sunk the first time he'd taken a shower without her. The first time he'd had to miss a lunch date.
Cut back. She saw his sardonic smile again. As though I could cut back that way. It's all or nothing. With him one day it will be that too. He wants kids and a dog and a backyard, I know that. We're not getting any younger. And if it's not with me...
Her eyes welled up and she covered them with her paper napkin until the stinging sensation stopped.
He has enough money that I'd never need to work again.
Her throat closed up and she gasped for air, but she still heard her own voice in her head.
We could move into a little townhouse in Chicago. We could be married in a church this time, Daddy escorting me down the aisle and punch and cake and flower girls. That's what he wants.
But is that what I want?
"Hey."
"Hey." She heard the general crush of the bar behind him, but it was silenced by the slamming of a door. "Sorry."
"Where are you?"
"Some bar downtown. Half of us are so drunk I don't think we'll be playing any cards tonight."
Nancy chuckled. "Are you drunk?"
"Nah," Ned replied. "I've had a few but I'm great. How's San Antonio?"
"Same way it was when I left it."
He laughed.
"Remember that great bathtub we saw in that one house?" she asked.
He murmured affirmatively. "Room for two."
"Too bad I'm not there right now. I could use that."
"Why? Your girl in Texas not doing a good job?"
"She just needs a little more confidence."
Ned laughed. "You're confident enough for an army, Nan."
"When it comes to following off-the-wall hunches, sure," she replied. "But no, instead of champagne and a bubble bath with you, I'm riding out to a horse ranch first thing in the morning."
"Sounds like you might need to get some sleep."
"I guess so."
"Call me if you can't," he murmured.
She smiled. "Okay, I will."
"Take care of yourself, Drew. I love you."
"Love you too. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night."
Ned hung up his cell phone and noticed Paul standing behind him, smoking a cigarette under the bar's awning. They nodded to each other.
"Girlfriend checking up on you?" Paul asked, smiling.
"You should talk. How many times has Brook called you tonight?"
Paul ducked his head. "She just couldn't figure out where I'd put the frying pan."
"Sure."
"So are you two really back together?"
Ned shrugged. "Kind of."
"Are either of you seeing anyone else?"
"No."
"I don't even remember the last time you did, Nickerson." Paul took one last drag and dropped his cigarette to the pavement, crushed it out. "She's a great girl."
"She is."
"I know there's no way we'll be playing tonight, because Scott's up on the pool table dancing to the jukebox... but maybe next time you think she could play with us?"
Ned snickered. "Yeah, right."
"I mean it, man. The rest of the guys, well, most of them, remember her. She was really cool to hang out with. Maybe we could all bring the girls and play one night. Teams." Paul's eyes gleamed. "Come on, man."
"You think you can take the both of us, DiToma?" Ned grinned.
"Bring it, star quarterback."
The cell phone on Ned's bedside table rang. He opened an eye and groped for it. "All right, but only because you begged," he answered it.
Nancy giggled. "Oh, I caught you talking to your other girlfriend," she said. "You should be careful about call waiting."
"What's up?" He yawned, dragging his nails over his chest before smothering his mouth.
"Tell me a story."
"Can it be about how mismanagement of funds is a common problem among short-term investors?"
"Mmm— nah."
"About how I would have won about two hundred bucks if we could have gotten Scott to get off the pool table before the cops arrived?"
"That sounds more interesting, but... nah."
"About a very beautiful girl thousands of miles away whom I miss very much?"
"Will it involve candlelight? And maybe an easily-deciphered mystery about the innkeeper's cat?"
"Easily-deciphered is about all you're gonna get at—" he glanced at his alarm clock. "Four o'clock in the morning. Damn, Nan."
"I'm sorry—"
"No. No, now as punishment you have to hear the story. Complete with a tabby cat."
"Five-card stud."
"What's wild?" Nancy asked.
Paul grinned. "Nothing, sweetheart."
The table hadn't provided enough space, so they'd moved Ned's coffee table aside and were all sitting indian-style in Ned's sunken living room, between the couches, while ESPN played faintly behind them. In return for having to listen to sports, Nancy had demanded that they prepare some sort of finger food. Ned had given in as long as the finger food involved triscuits.
Nancy pouted. "Oh come on. Are you afraid?"
Paul nodded at the stack of chips in front of Nancy and Ned. "Not afraid. Just a little more cautious."
Nancy sat out the next hand and wandered over to the bar for another plate of chips and dip. She called over her shoulder to ask Ned if he wanted another beer.
Brook groaned. "Don't do that, Nancy. It'll make the rest of us look bad."
Nancy grinned. A lot of the girls who had come tonight, she remembered from Emerson. Tamara had come with Howie, who looked ridiculous with his over-six-foot frame bent on the floor. Mindy Kwan, Susan... Bess had come with her husband, who turned out to know a few people besides Ned, and George had dragged Jon along. But Jon had to be told every time it was his turn, because he had a bad habit of staring at the television.
"Olympic tryouts," he read off the screen, and bumped George. "Looks like they're talking about you."
Ned turned to her in surprise. "Finally decided to bite the bullet?"
George blushed, but Jon announced proudly, "Yep. After the Mount Rainier trip."
"Congrats, George," Nancy said, lifting her beer. Everyone else followed suit, which just made George blush a bit deeper.
"It's nothing," she dismissed, bumping her shoulder against Jon's. "Didn't want to say anything in case it might jinx it."
A few hours later, when people started gathering their coats and making vague excuses involving babysitters and church in the morning, Nancy walked into the kitchen to find Brook and Mindy at the sink, suds up to their elbows. "Go ahead, Nan," Brook said, shooing her away. "We'll take care of this. And we really should do this again sometime."
"Yeah, we should," Nancy said. "Thanks, guys."
Ned appeared next to her in his leather jacket. "Want to take a walk, Nan?"
She huddled against him in the unseasonably cold wind. "Thanks. Despite all my misgivings, I actually had fun."
He laughed. "You should thank Paul, but I'll take it. Especially if you'll knock me one on the cheek."
She reached up and kissed him. "Don't set your sights so low next time," she teased him. "Just think, I could have thrown you against a wall and kissed you until your knees were weak."
"You still could."
She laughed, then linked arms with him as they walked through the pools of light beneath the streetlamps.
She tilted her head back to see his face. "I've been thinking..."
He nodded, a smile quirking his lips. "Always good."
She looked down. "You were right. I did need a day to think about things."
"So what do you think now?"
"I think... that I don't want it to be one or the other. I don't want to choose between having you and having a career."
"But..."
She reached up and placed a finger over his lips. "Shh. Now you listen. If I have to choose, I choose you. But it doesn't have to be that way. I need something, some way, that I can put it all down at five o'clock and come home to you. Some way that we can have lazy Saturdays together. I want to give the girl a chance. I want to provisionally give her the job. After the first few weeks, I'll know whether it can be like that. Whether my professional life is going to become my personal life to the point that I don't even need one anymore."
He kissed her fingertip. "What if it doesn't? What if that's not enough to make you happy?"
She sighed. "The thing making me happy right now is you. I get... cranky and irritable when I don't see you, when we don't have a chance to talk. I constantly want to talk to you. And... and all this house shopping and... Ned, I don't have a life apart from you. I don't want one."
"What about the house shopping?"
She pouted. He stopped and tilted her chin up so he could see her face. "I don't want to buy a house if it means I have to sleep alone in it," she said quietly.
"Why should we be sleeping together? We don't even have sex."
"It's not about that," she said hotly. "It's about..."
"What?" he prompted her. "Out of fear and a need for protection?"
"No..." She peered up into his face. "Are you... saying that you don't feel the same way? That this past week hasn't been hell for you too? I just... I didn't even know how much I just need to talk to you. After being without it so long... I go back there and after ten hours it feels like seeing you again, finding you again, was just some dream I had."
He nodded. "But I never want to wake up," he said softly.
After another hour they stumbled back into his apartment. They glanced through the rooms to make sure no unexpected guests had decided to camp out for the night, jostled for space at the bathroom sink while brushing their teeth, and fell into bed, exhausted.
"I love you," she mumbled through her yawn. She slid her hand down onto his hip, just above his waist.
"Love you too," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her. She put her arms around his neck and pulled herself up to meet him. She felt lightheaded as they broke for air.
She ran a hand over his hair, her eyes half-lidded, stars in them. He rested his forehead against hers as she traced over his cheek with a finger. Then she felt him sigh.
"Good night, Nan."
He rolled away from her, facing the wall, on his side. She curled up behind him and put an arm over his chest, and he held it there.
"Good night," she whispered.