A/N: When I originally wrote this a month ago, it was just to vent about my problems, and just happened to turn out in James' point of view. I kind of like it now that I re-read it, even if it's a bit choppy throughout.
Not Fair
01/30/06
It's not fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair.
I think this. Everytime I see you wander over to his side of the room first, I think this. Nausea rises up in my throat, making it hard for me to concentrate on anything else.
It used to be just you and me. Best mates forever, the kind of relationship that we couldn't remember the beginning of, and the kind that we would never see the end of. A neverending circle of brilliant pranks, jokes on pretty girls, and fruitless interrogations by professors.
But it'll never be that way again. Oh, it'll be the same, just not the same. There will always be him, even though there always was him, but now its different. And I know you. Once you place something in your heart, nothing short of hell and highwater will ever change your feelings.
This jealousy I'm feeling, it can't possibly be real, or even human. It takes hold of my chest and compresses it from every direction. With every personal laugh, secret smile, and knowing glance, I feel it wrench my heart.
I knew the day it happened. I can pinpoint the exact day that everything changed, even though I wasn't there, and I witnessed none of it. The night of the full moon, two months ago, when you came dragging him out of the forest, both of you nearly naked and covered from head to toe in dirt and blood.
I could feel it about you; I always could. Nothing you said, or anything that changed about you tipped me off. It was merely a way you greeted me the next morning, as if you really didn't belong to me anymore, but to someone else. Distant, preoccupied by the quiet boy across the Common Room.
And the moment I realized it was him, my world crashed down upon me. Air was restricted from my chest as you smiled at him, and I stumbled from the room towards the lavatory to be sick. You were so entranced you didn't notice, or come to check on me.
Prongs, you said cheerily when I came back, half and hour later, looking distinctly ruffled. Been off snogging Lily again, have you? Poor girl, give her a break, will you? Can't live off kisses alone, mate.
And then you looked at him. And a look passed between you. A secret look that, at one time, would have given me so much information at once we could have pulled off the most complex of plans without a single spoken word. You could live off kisses from him, I'm sure.
But still, I know it won't stay like this forever. Sure, you'll love each other for the rest of your lives, but soon the newness of your love will wear off. Just like Lily and I. At first the only thing we could see was each other's eyes, from dawn to dusk. And then, once we'd settled in with ourselves, the lovestruck-ness died away, leaving a soft appreciation and love.
That's how it'll be with you two. Pretty soon, your love won't be as fresh, but it'll still be just as strong. Instead of having to see him every morning as soon as you wake, you'll focus on someone else in the room, content with the calmness he brings with just his presence.
And hopefully, that someone else will be me again.