AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this is some lame attempt to reclaim all the good reviews I got for Summer Days. Well, you're completely wrong. Wrong, you hear me? The fact that this and Summer Days use exactly the same characters and assign them more or less the same personalities is just happenstance, not design. Oh, and the choice of name? Well, it happens to be autumn where I live, so it was the first thing that came to mind. And to clear things up for a few people who have no idea what I'm talking about, autumn is that season after summer and before winter where it's not warm enough to have fun at the beach but not cold enough to stop ice and snow from melting.
Oh, and of course, I don't own any of the characters in this story. Nintendo owns them all with the exception of Theau Thor. Who is Theau Thor? Nobody knows, and to this day the identity of The auThor remains quite a mystery. It is in no way an attempt to circumvent the ugly "Author's note" clauses or add some cheap humour.
Now, considering the length of this disclaimer (epically long) I wouldn't be surprised if you spend more time reading it than you do reading the story. Meh, as long as the reviews come in.
That was a threat.

Chapter 1

The blast signature made it quite clear that this was no pipe bomb. If Samus Aran could venture a guess, considering the type of explosive and its immaculate placement, judging by the way in which the blast had only ripped open the necessary walls and the minimalist approach to use of explosives, that she was dealing with an expert here. Probably a hired assassin, or, as she preferred to euphemise it, a "bounty hunter". Which was ridiculous, because there was only one bounty hunter who had been in the vicinity at the time, and- no.
There had been two.
It was ridiculous, implausible, that the other bounty hunter would have done such a thing, although considering that individual's personality, perhaps she shouldn't have been so surprised when realisation hit her. Nobody else could have done it, save her, and she knew perfectly well that she had had no involvement in the entire mess.
A footstep sounded behind her.
The entire world condensed into a split second and she spun around, dropping to one knee, raising her arm cannon, firing in the direction of the noise before she even saw Captain Falcon's malicious grin.
A barrage of missiles, beams, bombs, and thrown debris. Falcon was still smiling obnoxiously as the final missile plunged straight into his gut and caused him to explode. His last scream was one of pain and ago-
"Samus?"
-ny and the look on his face was-
"Samus?" said Zelda. "Have you fallen asleep?"
"Mmm?" said Samus, straightening her position on the couch. "Oh… I was having such a good dream."
"Come on," said Zelda. "The others wanted your opinion on how we can escape."
Every Smasher was sitting around the giant lounge/anteroom to the great Smash Mansion, accommodation to the Smash Brothers for their tournaments.
"So?" said Captain Falcon. "Any ideas, Ms Sexy? Oh, and don't I know you? Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are? I'm a bounty hunter, baby. Call my number some day. Say, what's a girl like you doing in a-"
"That's about every line in the book," said Samus.
"Book? What book?" Falcon feigned innocence.
"The one that's blocking my view of your face, thankfully," said Samus. "It says How to win the hearts of tall people."
"Oh, that book," laughed Falcon. "Heh heh heh. I was just holding that… for…" he looked to his left- "…Pikachu! Here, Pikachu, your interesting little book."
"Nobody's falling for that-a one," laughed Mario, who was performing a little upside-down dance on the ceiling. "Come again, why-a are we trapped-a in this place-a?"
"Oh, that," said Roy. "I remember now, Donkey Kong told us earlier…"

--begin flashback--

Donkey Kong was walking along the streets in a heavy industrial district of the nearby town. "Never send an expert shopper to do an ape's job," he muttered.
Reaching a store which seemed as if it could well be the one he was looking for, he ducked inside.
"Excuse me?" he said to a shop assistant. "Is this the 'power tools' store?"
"No, sorry," said the assistant. "This is the 'tool power' store. We sell basic tools. 'Power Tools' is just up the road."
"Thanks, ma'am," said DK, ducking out of the shop (he had had a bad incident with a door frame before).
He walked along, trying to whistle or somersault or do something interesting to fill in the thirty five or so words that had to be written about his passage between that shop and the next.
"Hello," he said at the next shop. "Is this 'Power Tools'?"
"No, sir, this is 'Tower Pools'. We sell high quality tower pools for those tough occasions where tower is needed. They're very, very towerful. What you want is that shop just yonder."
Donkey Kong went over to the next store.
"Hi. Is this 'Power Tools'?"
"Sorry, miss… I mean mister…" the assistant looked at the tie. "Mister Duk. This is the 'Power Rangers' fan festival. They sell power tools just across the road; you'll see it."
Donkey Kong crossed the road to get to the other side.
"Morning, is this 'Power Tools'?"
"Nope, this is 'Jim's Tow-away Service'. Though someone as strong as you probably won't need our services… take a brochure anyway."
Donkey Kong walked further along.
"Power Tools?"
"Afraid not, this is 'Pepscike Dancing Girls Expose'. Would you like a dancing girl?"
"No thanks," said Donkey Kong, backing away.
"It comes with a free can of Pepscike!"
"Really, no," said Donkey Kong, stepping over people as he walked backwards.
"Just like damsels in distress!"
"Ha! You think I really believe that? I know a kidnapped Princess when I steal one!"
At the next shop, DK didn't have much luck either. Or the next. Or the next. After a couple of hours of searching, he gave up. Gloomily, he headed for a banana store. "Give me a couple of caffeinated bananas," he said to the assistant.
"I'm sorry, sir, this is a power tool shop-"
"NOTHING is going right today!" said Donkey Kong, throwing the assistant into a fire hydrant. "I'll just have to do the cutting myself."

When he got back to the Smash Mansion, Donkey Kong steeled his nerves. "I'll have to do this leaf removal with my bare hands," he grunted.
"Why are you trying to get rid of all those leaves?" asked Marth.
"It's autumn," explained DK. "They're supposed to fall off."
"Fair enough," said Marth, walking back to the Mansion.
Donkey Kong turned his attention back to the guilty tree. "You have way too many leaves," he chastised.
Grabbing the trunk with his bare hands, he ripped the tree out by the roots and shook it hard. "Oh yeah – what a work out!" he said. "This thing must be real heavy! Woah!"
For a while, he shook the tree vigorously, checking every so often to see if the leaves were loose.
"Man this is hard work," he thought.
Looking up, he saw the leaves floating down to earth together.
"How sweet," he said.
He looked up again.
Suddenly the leaves didn't look so serene; they looked like a slowly falling mass of DEADLY DEATH. The faint rustling sound sounded like a wave of… er… leaves CRUSHING A CITY AND LEAVING NOTHING IN ITS WAKE.
"Uh oh," said Donkey Kong.
He made a frantic dash for the front door. The wave of leaves closed in on him, an even as he was diving through the trees, through the door, and through Ness to escape them, he could feel a light touch as they just missed his back.
Billions of leaves descended upon the Smash Mansion.
All was dark.
Okay, the electric lights still worked. But if they didn't, then all would be dark.

--end flashback--

"You really stuffed that one up, DK," said Ness. "I mean, couldn't you have at least brought the leaf blower back in here so we could clean up your mess?"
"It's not my mess," said DK. "You wanna see my mess? Look at this." He produced a bundle.
"Isn't that a diaper?" said Zelda. "What does- please excuse me for a moment."
Zelda calmly walked out of the room before shrieking and making a mad dash for the nearest lavat- no, no, the nearest waste bin.
"Well, now that we've established a setting and all, why don't we all go do our own things?" suggested Falco.
Everyone went their own way, to perform various tasks, most of which are mundane, but some of which are funny. As this is a humour story, Theau Thor decided that these actions should be given special mention. But first:

Jigglypuff and Pichu watched TV while they ate honey-roasted peanuts. Samus did the dishes.

And now - the funny part.

"Hi, Mario. Hi, Luigi," said Kirby cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen, licking a green lollipop. "What are you two doing?"
"We are-a fixing the kitchen sink," said Mario.
"Yes, the kitchen sink-a," confirmed Luigi.
"Interesting," said Kirby as he finished off his the pink lollipop. "What's wrong with it?"
"We're not-a sure," said Luigi. "That's why we're taking it apart-a, you know?"
Kirby nodded. "That makes sense, I guess." He bit deep into the chocolate bar he was holding.
"Yes-a," said Mario. "It doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong at all."
"Oh, really?" said Kirby, digging his hand/paw/thing into his popcorn bag. "Then why take it apart?"
Mario and Luigi looked at each other darkly. "It is the curse of the Italian plumber," said Luigi. "We cannot-a walk past anything with a pipe that works well without taking it apart so that it does-a not."
"The curse of the Italian plumber?" said Kirby in awe, the rainbow lollipop dropping out of his hand. "All Italian plumbers?"
"No, just us Mario brothers," admitted Mario.
"That line was included so to offend as few people as possible," said Theau Thor.
"Not a bad-a idea," said Luigi. "But why cannot we call us, 'the Luigi brothers'?"
"Because I'll pound-a your face," said Mario, waving a wrench in the air.
"I'd best be off," said Kirby, licking the refrigerator as he carried it out. "See you around."
"Bye!" said the Mario brothers as Kirby left the kitchen.
They continued to dismantle the sink, all the pipes beneath it, and, as a precaution, the light bulbs in the vicinity.
Link walked in.
"Hey, Mario, Luigi, I thought that sink was okay," he said.
"It is," explained Mario.
"Then why- hey, where's the fridge?"
The three men turned and gaped at the gaping gap gapping a gap between the kitchen bench and the poisons shelf.
"Somebody has stolen-a the fridge!" yelled Mario.
"Who could have done this?" said Link.
Kirby walked past them, still carrying the fridge.
"Maybe it was-a Kirby," suggested Luigi.
"Of course!" said Mario. "The mystery has been solved by Mario! (1)"
"I'll sound the alarm," said Link.

"ATTENTION, EVERYONE," blared Link's voice through a megaphone. "KIRBY HAS STOLEN THE FRIDGE FROM THE THIRD-FLOOR KITCHEN. IF YOU SEE KIRBY, BRING HIM AND THE FRIDGE TO US, ALIVE! YOU CAN KILL KIRBY, THOUGH."
"Ooh, sounds exciting," said Zelda in a bored tone of voice, holding the broadsword at bheast height. Correction: chest height.
"You don't think," said Samus. She sighed. "Okay, you were right, Zelda. It's impossible."
"Of course it is," said Zelda, lunging in for the kill. She sliced the mannequin to tatters in seconds.
"I was so sure, though," moaned Samus bitterly. "I mean, it doesn't sound hard at all, to apply makeup while wearing full body armour. But it is so hard."
"Mm-hmm," said Zelda, firing a machine gun at the mannequin just to be on the safe side.
She paused. "I thought you were smart, though, Samus. How on earth did you believe something as stupid as that? You didn't believe you-know-who?"
"Falcon?"
"No, the other idiot."
Samus nodded. "I swear I'll go back to making my own decisions."
"You'd better, or there'll be consequences," warned Zelda.
"Yeah…"
They were quiet for a while. The only sound one could here was the occasional rocket launcher fired at a dart board.
"That person, though, you don't want to trust," said Zelda. "You'll end up stupid, like her."
"Could someone let my neck out of this noose?" said Peach. "It's starting to hurt."
"No," said Samus and Zelda together.
"That's okay," said Peach. "I know! I'll pretend it's a game!"
She smiled.
"Hello, mister… uh… uh… uh… pear. Are you here to kidnap me? Ha! I'm hanging from this rope, so you can't take me away! Super duper kick!"
She waved her arms and legs a bit.
"I think we should go… elsewhere," said Samus. "For non-personal reasons."
"Indeed," said Zelda. She whispered, "On the count of three. One… two…"
They fled.
Their footsteps echoed down the hall.
"Ha! My super good social skills scared them away!" said Peach. "Take that, evil pear! Peach this! Ha! Hi-yah! Wah! Woah!"

Fox and Falco leapt from the stairwell to the table in the waiting room. "If we keep quiet, we should be able to take Kirby by surprise," said Fox. "I'll take bland purposeless room no. 369. You take empty room no. 32526. Meet at the main dining room."
They split up and skulked down the corridors separately.
Fox kicked open the door to a room and looked around quickly. Although there were a few drug lords, evil kings and dragon/aliens in the room, there was no sign of the pink fiend. He closed the door, and moved to the next.
When he opened the door to the next room, he stopped completely. "You? But- but-"
"But nothing," said Wolf O'Donnell, smiling. "Don't even think about it. You try to draw, I blow your head out with this phaser. If you have one."
"Wha-?" said Fox.
"If you have a head," laughed Wolf. "Get it? It's a joke! Because it means you might not have a head for me to blow off! Ha ha ha…"
Fox quietly closed the door before Wolf noticed and moved to the next room.
"Nobody here," said the fridge in a high and squeaky voice. "Just Kir… Kirmy, the talking fridge."
"Darn it," said Fox. "Okay, next room."
As soon as he walked out, the fridge scampered out of the room and down the corridor.
Or was it a fridge?
Duh duh duh… (suspenseful orchestral riff here)

"Jig jig jig, jig…" hummed Jigglypuff as she carefully juggled the antique vases while balancing on an apple. "…jiggly jigglypuff! Jig jig jig, jig… jiggly jigglypuff!"
Captain Falcon walked in. "Wow! Jigglypuff is jiggling! Eh… juggling."
The shock of hearing her own name caused Jigglypuff to trip. The vases went flying for Captain Falcon's face.
"NOOOOO!" screamed Captain Falcon as they shattered and split into millions of pieces, causing him a small scratch.
Voices could be heard from below. "What was that?" "Did someone break the vases?" "Whoever did it is so dead…"
Jigglypuff ran off to stare at her reflection, leaving Captain Falcon alone.
Quickly, he stood up, and made a run for the back door, but too late – the others burst in.
"Did you break the vase?" said Popo.
"I think so," said Ganondorf.
"Leave him alone with me," said Nana, struggling to maintain her 'not-a-bloodsucking-fiend' disguise as she walked over to Captain Falcon.
The door closed.
"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGH!" screamed Falcon. "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS THAT PINK THING! JIGGLE! WHA- what's that? Oh no you don't. Please no. Not the ice axe. I don't want to die. I want children! OOOOWWWW-MMMPPHHH-OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH!"

Peach was still kind of hanging from the ceiling when the fridge crept through the room.
"Ooh, a walking fridge!" said Peach interestedly.
Underneath the fridge, Kirby stopped. "Uh oh," he whispered.
"Are you a magic fridge?"
Kirby nodded, and the fridge moved with him to give the appearance that it was nodding.
"Wow!" said Peach. "Praise be the animate fridge! Please cool all my food!"
Somewhat bewildered by this response, Kirby put down the fridge and made himself known.
Peach gasped. "Kirby! Are you the manifestation of the Forever Fridge?"
"Uh… yeah?"
"Wow…" Peach waved her arms and legs a bit. "Are you here to free me?"
"No… I'm here to… er… refrigerate stuff… important stuff…"
"Oh, okay!" said Peach, smiling. "I'll see you around, fridge!"
"Yeah…" said Kirby, picking up the fridge and heading for the door. "Bye…"
The fridge crashed into the ceiling, attracting the attention of everyone upstairs. "Oops," said Kirby, quickly waddling off before the others arrived.
Peach continued to hang.
Everyone else burst into the room. "Peach!" shouted Roy. "Was Kirby here?"
"Kirby was actually the fridge," explained Peach knowingly.
"Right. I understand. Perfectly." Roy turned away, making a weird face and gesturing towards Peach.
"He's got to be around here somewhere!" shouted Young Link. "We'll find that fridge yet!"
Nana ran in. "Sorry I took so long. Who would have thought the old man had so much blood in him – what are you all doing?"
"We're continuing the manhunt. Or creampuffhunt. Dreamlanderhunt. Er… fridgehunt," said Young Link.
"Oh, that's fine. If you find Kirby, can I rip his eyes out?"
"I wanted to do that," said Zelda bitterly.
"How about finders keepers?" said Samus.
"You're on!" said Nana and Zelda. They and Samus rushed out of the room.
The others stared after them.
"Women," said Fox.
"I'll never understand females," sighed Peach.
"Right…" said Link. "That… makes sense…"
Everyone tried to think of something else.
"I know, let's find and kill Kirby!"
They rioted their way out of the room.

Kirby knew it was only a matter of time until the inevitable occurred, and they found him. Trying to devise a new plan of action, Kirby realised there was only one sensible option.
Starting up the stairs to the top floor of the mansion, Kirby moved silently, or as quietly as one could when carrying a refrigerator that continually bumped itself against the ceiling.
He stopped at the top and entered the kitchen. The broken tap sent acid spraying around the walls, but at least nobody had beaten him here.
Kirby set the fridge back down just as Link, Zelda and Ganondorf burst in.
"I found him first!" yelled Zelda, pulling out her soft, gentle, caressing DAGGER.
"It's a mistake!" yelled Kirby. "I didn't take the fridge!"
"I saw it missing," said Link suspiciously.
"Well, is it missing now?"
"No," said Link. "I guess you can't have stolen it anyway."
"MUST KILL ANYWAY!" shouted Zelda, running for Kirby, dagger raised.
A jet of acid spewed forth from the tap and knocked her into a wall, unconscious.
"Thank goodness for the unconventional plumbing habits of the Mario brothers," said Kirby solemnly.
"Wait," said Ganondorf. "If the acid leaks through the ceilings, it might free Peach from the rope!"
"OH NO!" they all shouted. "WHO WILL SAVE US NOW?"
Wario and Waluigi burst in, fixed the taps, and left.
"Well, now that that question's been answered, I'm going to eat some stuff," said Kirby, finishing off the red lollipop. And with that, he left the room.

And so the Smashers defeated the evil Crazy Han- wait, wrong chapter. And so the Smashers learned co-operation and that Kirby could never possibly steal a fridge. Ness also discovered how to wear his cap the right way round. And although they were still trapped (and hence there would be more room for future chapters) they at least were happy in the midst of it all.

Now give me money.

Footnotes:
(1) …and Luigi.

If you find this style of writing vaguely humorous, you may also want to consider reading my other stories (surprise!). I'd also like to point out that my brother hoogiman has a couple of decent humour stories (okay, maybe only one).
Whether you like this story or not, I would appreciate reviews. I will accept random praise and constructive criticism, but if you give me a random negative review with no explanation I will find out where you live eventually. Oh, and have a nice day! Or night. Or, if you don't follow that system of time, enjoy life in general. If you aren't alive, I'd recommend you do something rather than read.