AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: I don't disclaim anything, as I never claimed anything to begin with, aside from the fact that the wrath of Theau Thor will come upon you if you don't review this story. Flame if you want. But review it.

Chapter 3

And now for the annual Zelda Tries To Cook scene…
"Okay," said Zelda. "Lots of salt, because everyone wants salt. Same thing with sugar, pepper and flour."
"Right," said Peach, moving to the other end of the kitchen. "All the salt, sugar, pepper, and a flower."
"Not 'a flower', Peach, flour!"
"That's what I said," said Peach, grabbing some daisies from a vase. "A bunch of flowers."
Zelda crossed the kitchen, and kicked Peach in the stomach. She picked up a bag of flour. "This sort of flower! Honestly, do you have any idea about cooking?"
Peach clutched her stomach, and put the flowers back in the vase.
"Right," said Zelda. "Are you listening?"
"Didn't we have this same conversation a few months ago?" said Peach.
"Was that a sign of intelligence?" said Zelda. "Wow!"
"Was that a reference to Summer Days?" said Theau Thor. "You fool! I've been trying to establish that this isn't a sequel and then Peach comes along and spoils it all!" He ran into a corner, crying. "Smite you!"
"Smile me?" said Peach. "What did the nice person say?"
"Doesn't matter," said Zelda. "Dump all of our excess soft-boiled asparagus spears into the pot while you're there."
"Whacha cooking?" said Kirby, waddling into the room.
"It's a surprise," said Zelda.
"We don't know," said Peach.
Zelda kicked Peach in the leg. "What are you doing in the kitchen, Kirby? We only arrived here this morning and you've already ransacked the place twice, once each chapter."
"Chapter?" said Kirby. "Isn't that a Mexican delicacy?"
"Maybe," said Zelda. "Hey, that's an idea! Mexican! Peach, put… I don't know, Mexican food in the pot."
"Weren't Fox and Luigi and Marth going to cook?" said Kirby.
"They're busy playing a four-way rock paper scissors tournament."
"Four-way? Is that possible?" said Kirby.

"Three. Two. One. GO!"
Fox, Falco, Luigi and Marth shot out their hands at lightning speed.
"Rock, paper, paper, rock," said Fox. "Luigi and Falco score 2 each."
"I'm betting the next one is a four-way scissors," said Mario.
"You're on," said Captain Falcon, slapping down a ten-million-dollar note.
The next one was a four-way scissors.
"Why do I always lose money?" complained Captain Falcon.
"Probably because you gamble too much," suggested Link. "You know, gambling is a serious problem for all kind of people. Nobody is immune. If you think that gambling is causing you money problems, then I suggest that you reconsider what you're doing with your income."
"He's no fun since he joined the official government Sponsored (and Partially Amended) Messages advisory board," said Marth.
"No fun?" said Captain Falcon. "I bet two hundred that Link is fun. Not that I mean it in that sense. Not that I'd think of that!"
"He's not fun," said Mario, taking the two hundred.
Link nodded. "That's because the organisation I work for is funded by the government. If you want some cheap income and also want to feel as if you're making a difference, join SPAM. I guarantee you that it's no fun!"

Kirby went over to the fridge and got out the pile of 47826 carrots. "This is heavy."
"Well, I did warn you when you offered to help," said Zelda. "You okay there, Peach?"
Peach collapsed under a cartload of peaches. "I'm not so sure any more," she said.
"Zelda, you help her. I'll put the carrots in," said Kirby, straining with the weight of 4782 carrots.
"Thanks, Kirby," said Zelda. "I'm glad that you're here. We can really use an extra hand-"
Peach tried to cut off her hand.
"-but not as food."
"Oh," said Peach.
Zelda shook her head in amazement. "Peach, Peach, Peach." To Kirby: "Just don't eat up all the food. This has to feed everyone in the mansion."
"I can't possibly eat all 478 carrots," said Kirby, nearing the pot.
"Watch out for that brick!"
Kirby stopped in the nick of time and did a three point turn, half juggling the 47 carrots to regain his balance.
"Wow. Sooo strong," said Peach. "Are you a superhero?" She said this, by the way, in a voice that was SO SWEET THAT IF YOU HEARD IT YOU'D PROBABLY WANT TO RIP OFF SOMEBODY'S HEAD, SUCH AS PEACH, WHO, AS WE JUST LEARNT, WAS SPEAKING IN A SICKENINGLY SWEET VOICE WHICH DRIPPED OF OVER-SATURATED HONEY.
Kirby covered his ears, dropping the 4 carrots in the process.
"Watch it," said Zelda.
Kirby picked up the 0 carrots and dumped them into the pot. "That was hard," he said.
"You need more exercise," said Peach brightly, as she strained to carry the kernel of corn over to the pot.
"Now that's irony," said Theau Thor.
"Iron this!" said Peach, revealing her rocket-propelled-turnip launcher.

"I'm getting a weird psychic signal," said Ness. "It would seem that somebody has already gotten to Young Link! And… oh no."
"I sense it too!" said Mewtwo.
They reached the main dining hall and stopped in horror.
Young Link was running around in circles on top of the dining table, flapping his arms wildly. "I'm a falcon!" he cried.
"Who could have brainwashed him so efficiently?" said Ness.
"It must have been done with outside help," said Mewtwo.
Somebody standing at the doorway coughed.
The two of them spun around.
"But- but - " stammered Mewtwo.
Jigglypuff smiled brightly. "Jigglypuff!" she observed. Translated: "Jigglypuff!"
"You," said Ness. "But you're not psychic! How are you messing with Young Link's mind?"
Jigglypuff danced around a bit.
"I can't read her mind. There's too much – stupidity?"
"Weird," said Ness.
Jigglypuff produced her enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.
"No!" thought Mewtwo.
Jigglypuff waved the enchanted trance-inducing marble collection in their faces.
"So… boring…" said Ness. "I'm feeling… so sleepy…"
"You have to resist it," said Mewtwo. "You have the strength of will, Ness. You can do it!"
"I am… a chicken…" said Ness.
"Possibly I was wrong," said Mewtwo.
"Jig jiggly… juh jijup!" "You are… a chicken!"
"I am… a chicken!" said Ness.
"I'll just be going now, then," said Mewtwo, backing away.
The moment he was out of sight, he teleported as far away as possible. And before you ask why he couldn't teleport out of the Mansion, he was scared of teleporting past leaves. There. That makes sense. And it covers up the plot holes. Bad, bad plot holes. We won't be seeing those holes any time soon.

"Hey," said Fox. "This game isn't fun."
"Yeah," said Marth. "I just realised that."
"Me too," said Falco.
"And me-a," added Luigi hastily.
"Isn't it all odd that we've realised the exact same thing at more or less the exact same time?" said Fox.
"Yes," said Mario.
They kept on playing.

Samus, Peach and Bowser were near the end of a deep, enlightening conversation.
"So I didn't come from a flying fridge?" said Peach.
"That's right," said Samus. "You came from your mother."
"Then where does this photo of the flying fridge come from?"
Bowser and Samus examined the aforementioned photograph.
"Peach," said Bowser, "that's not a photo. That's a drawing. With your name on it. And to the top-right corner, you can see a – talking soup bowl?"
Peach ripped it out of their hands. "There is no talking soup bowl!" she said. "It's all a lie! Lie! You're liars! Like me! Now, I have to go to the soup bowl. I mean, to the kitchen. No soup bowls. No soup bowls."
Bowser and Samus exchanged weird looks.
Peach ran off, managing to trip over her skirt at a rate of four times per second.
Bowser and Samus exchanged weird looks. "She's mental," observed Bowser.
"Probably because you keep kidnapping her," chastised Samus. "Do you have any idea what that can do to a person's psych?"
"Oh, no!" said Bowser, thinking quickly. "She was always that stupid."
"Quite possible," Samus conceded. "But you really should lay off the evil activities. Why not do something good once in a while?"
"Good, eh?" said Bowser, musing. "That's an interesting idea… by 'good', you mean 'not evil', right?"
"Exactly."
"That's – original. I'll have to think about that." He yawned. "Samus…"
"Yes?"
"You think I'm a – a nice guy, don't you?"
"I guess… where are you going with this?"
"And – and would you say that I'm a person you like to be with?"
"Kind of… what's the point of-"
"Samus! I love you. I really do."
Samus' heart stopped for a moment. After what seemed like an eternity, she said, "Really?"
"Yeah."
"And you're aware that I'm female."
"Wha-?"
"I know you're attracted to Captain Falcon."
Bowser shook his head vigorously.
"And vice versa."
"UNTRUE!" shouted Captain Falcon, emerging from under the table. "I like human women! Like you! How dare you suggest that I like Bowser? She's not even my species!"
"He's a guy," said Samus.
"Oooooh. I seee. That. Explains. A. Lot." Captain Falcon turned around and saw Bowser's face which was even less of a pretty sight than usual.
"You," said Bowser ominously.
"Me?" said Falcon meekly.
"Bye," said Samus, locking the door behind her.
Captain Falcon gulped.
Bowser moved in closer.
"Oh shOCKINGLY PAINFUL HELP ME PLEASE NOOOOOOMMMMPPPPHH NOT MY ABILITY TO PROCREATE OH NO WHY ME I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T REALISE THAT YOU WERE A GUY CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME FOR IT? OUWWW I GUESS NOT HNOEWTFRJIGRHEIGJHTRIT$RRJEIJEIGJRGIEDJKGFSFJEW$$$$$$$whydon'tyoujointhearmy?$$$$$GDFGIJgRUEIRTU?GHSiWHATTHEFORKTREWTREHI," said Captain Falcon.
Bowser broke into tears. "No wonder you never responded to my advances," he said.
"Yeah," said Captain Falcon. "If you had told me you were also a guy I'd – hey! Am I implying that I'm-"
"Am I upset because I'm-"
"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" they both screamed, trying to break through the wall. "HELP!"

"You're back, Peach," said Zelda. "Could you add those pointy eggshell fragments to the broth?"
"Don't too many cooks spoil the broth?" said Kirby.
"I just said, I only put four in!"
"I don't like the taste of cook. It tastes like I might not be able to eat there again."
"What?" said Zelda.
"Like when you've eaten the head chef of a restaurant and you know you won't be able to get good food there again, at least for a while?"
"Oh, I know the feeling," said Zelda. "Once, while I was in my sheik disguise, I accidentally killed all my friends and mentors."
Kirby discreetly backed away.
"Luckily, I woke up and discovered it was a dream."
Kirby relaxed.
"Then I woke up and realised I was only dreaming that it was a dream. It was real!"
Kirby gasped and discreetly backed away.
"Then I woke up and realised that it was a dream after all."
"Let's talk about something else," said Kirby.
"Uh… you wanna hear my electric lute?"
"Yes, please," nodded Kirby.
"Then add ingredients, slave!"
Kirby and Peach stared, wide-eyed.
"I meant, please. Instead of 'slave'," corrected Zelda.
Peach stared, wide-eyed.
"You've had that wide-eyed look on your face ever since you came back in," said Kirby.
"I wasn't dropped down from a flying fridge," said Peach quietly.
"Ri-ight," said Zelda. "Kirby! We need more cement mix!"
"I'll be right back," said Kirby, heading out of the room and towards the indoor tool cupboard.
When he got there, Donkey Kong was shaking his head in shame.
"What's up, DK?" said Kirby, pick-pocketing a few bananas.
"If I had known this was here!" said DK. "We wouldn't be stuck in the Smash Mansion if I wasn't so stupid!"
"I'm sure that you aren't really stupid," said Kirby. "I bet all apes are as smart as you!"
"Are you insulting me?" said DK.
"I don't know," said Kirby, shrugging. He turned his attention to the cement bags. "Can anyone tell the difference between wet cement and bricks?"
"Don't know," said DK. "Although I can't see what difference – Zelda is cooking tonight, isn't she."
"May-be," said Kirby, grabbing the cement bags and running off, humming the Green Greens tune. "La la la… I CAN'T HEAR YOU… tra la la…"

As you may have noticed, this story sucks. Live with it. The story does not, however, suck as much as Captain Falcon and Bowser's encounter, which led them to running around the house in circles, screaming and changing direction each time they encountered one another. They proceeded to do this until they stopped from exhaustion. This took, perhaps – someone give me a number. Surd one hundred and twenty? Okay. This took them surd one hundred and twenty minutes, which is roughly eleven, but sounds as if I'm a lot more intelligent than I really am. Certainly more than Captain Falcon was.
You see, Captain Falcon was now running from his own shadow.
"AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!" he screamed. "MY OWN SHADOW!" He ran further along, past Nana and Popo.
"What is up with him?" said Popo.
"I don't know, idiot. What's up with Ness and Link Jr.?" whispered Nana.
"His name is Young Link," said Popo, "and I have no idea. They've gone mad. Ness was clucking like a chicken. What do we do?"
"You don't think that they're being mind controlled or something, do you?"
Popo shrugged. "I don't know. But we've got to keep a low profile. If they find us, who knows what will happen?"
"Are you saying I don't know what's going to happen?" whispered Nana.
"Do you?"
"Quiet!" she hissed. "Are you trying to make me look like an idiot?"
"Well-"
"DON'T ANSWER BACK!" screamed Nana.
Ness and Young Link appeared on either side of the Ice Climbers.
"Now you've done it," said Nana.
Jigglypuff emerged. "Jig jiggly iggy, jig jilly jig juh piggly piff jug juffu juhp juggly iijly iggly!" "Now, I will brainwash the last of the children! And after that, taking over the world will be as easy as accidentally driving a nail through my head, like I did three minutes ago!"
"What do we do?" said Popo.
"Oh, so now you ask me."
"I asked you a minute ago."
"Shut up," threatened Nana, omitting to actually use a threat.
Jigglypuff revealed her deadly, dastardly, enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.
"What is that piece of how bo-oring. I'm feeling sleepy already…" said Nana.
"Jig jig jig…" "Very sleepy…"
"Very sleepy…" said Nana.
"Oh no!" said Popo. "Stop listening to Jigglypuff, Nana! She's trying to brainwash you! And who knows who she'll do then!"
"Jig jiggly, Juju!" "Shut up, Popo!"
"Shut up, Popo!" Nana said.
Popo backed away further, then turned around and saw that Young Link was blocking his path. "Young Link! You're not really that weak. You can break free of the evil influence of that overly-cute and slightly cheap Pokemon!"
"I am… a pencil…"
"Maybe you are that weak," conceded Popo. "But there's still hope! We can work together; find a way to save ourselves. Don't listen to the ball of puff, Nana!"
"Must listen to the ball of puff… must listen to the ball of puff…"
"Oh, for goodness' sake," said Popo. "This is ridiculous. I thought you people were strong. But you're all weaklings! Like, admittedly, me."
Jigglypuff turned her full attention to Popo, smiling innocently.
"Oh, please no," said Popo.
Jigglypuff continued to advance, waving her enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Popo. "SOMEBODY HELP!"

"Do I hear screaming?" said Zelda.
"Might be hunger," said Kirby, licking his lips.
"True," said Zelda. "This broth is going to be deli-cious!" She turned to Peach. "It doesn't matter, Peach. Golf ones will do."
"But you said high-heeled!" wept Peach.
"It's not that important, my friend," consoled Zelda. "Now put them into the pot."

"Do I hear screaming?" said Fox.
"Ha!" said Falco. "It's a three-one win!"
"No it's not-a," said Mario. "Scissors beat paper."
Marth cursed. "So I guess that's three to you, Fox."
"Rematch?" said Falco.
"You bet," said Marth.
"Shouldn't we be trying to save that person in distress?" said Fox.
"But we're having fun!" said Marth.
"Completely true," said Link, stepping forward. "The most important thing you can do with your life is to enjoy yourself. People who don't enjoy their lives end up having never accomplished anything that anyone would care about, generally as country singers or lawyers. Don't let that happen to you; I've been paid to make you do something worthwhile."
"Completely true," said the flying fridge, making its way towards the entrance hall. "Completely spiffingly interestingly amazing oddly funnily true."

"Do I hear screaming?" growled Bowser.
"I dunno," said Captain Falcon. "Wait! It's you!"
"Eek!" said Bowser, jumping back.
"And it's me!"
"Eek!" repeated Bowser, jumping further back.
"Who can possibly save us now?" said Captain Falcon, hiding in a box.
"Wait… why do we need to be saved?" said Bowser in confusion.
"Thanks, Bowser," said Captain Falcon. "My index finger is feeling much better already! I owe it all to you." He beamed gratefully.
"What?" said Bowser.
"ARGH! I take it back! I take it back! I FEEL NO EMOTIONS TOWARDS YOU! Lies! They're all lying to me! And you!"

Popo backed against the wall. "Oh, please no," he mumbled, as Jigglypuff advanced further. "Why do the stupid ones have to be bent for world domination?"
Theau Thor stepped inside. "Just a quick note, folks: I agree; Jigglypuff is a horrible choice for villain. But this is a humour story. It's supposed to be funny. The little thing on Jigglypuff's forehead is funny. Hence I chose Jigglypuff. If you want to go back to seeing Ganondorf as the almighty villain, you'll have to wait until the next chapter. Not that I'm giving anything away. I'm going to have to completely replan it now. Wait, I can use the backspace key!notworking"
"Jiggly piggly iggy giggly giggle puff!" said Jigglypuff. "I consider this situation to be jiggly piggly iggy giggly giggle puff!"
"Right…" said Popo. "PLEASE! I need help!"
"I'm here," thought Mewtwo, gliding noiselessly into the room.
Jigglypuff spun around to face the new annoyance. If she was capable of being anything other than stupidly happy, she might have become furious. Instead, she continued to be stupidly happy.
"She's being stupidly happy," observed Popo.
"I know," said Mewtwo. "There's only one way to fix this." He strode over to the wall and opened a window.
Upon seeing the window, Jigglypuff reacted by reflex. She dropped the marbles and fled the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.
"That was clever!" said Popo. "How did you know she'd do that?"
"It was a running gsagagrithojh85uiogjreoih234ut89eiotje forget it," said Mewtwo. "Just rest assured that with her temporarily incapacitated, our little friends here will be normal again in no time."
"Wait!" said Popo. "The window is open, right?"
"Yes…"
"And there are leaves surrounding the house, just waiting to flood in."
"Yes…"
"And they could come in through the window."
"They won't."
"How do you know?"
"Simple; there's a perfectly logical explanation."
"Which is?"
"Let me see…"
Mewtwo stood, deep in thought.

A while later…
Mewtwo shrugged, admitting defeat. "Okay, maybe there isn't."
"Ha! I was right!" said Popo.
"I'll just close the window then," said Mewtwo.
"But how can you close the window – if there is no window?"
"No!"

"The window does not exist," said Peach slowly. "Not."
"I can see it," said Kirby.
"Are you sure?" she whispered ominously.
"Yep."
"Oh. Okay, then."
"Bye!" said Kirby, leaving.
"Mysterious…" said Peach.
"I've finished cooking it!" said Zelda. "It's time."
"Yes it is," said the flying fridge. "Yes it is."
"I know it's you, Pikachu," said Zelda. "You can come out."
Pikachu emerged from the flying fridge. "Pika pi chpi chipika chap chiki?" "How did you know that it was me?"
"Simple," said Zelda. "My magical crown told me so."
"My magical crown is shiny!" said Peach.
"Yeah…" said Zelda, pushing Peach out of the room and down the staircase. "You do that… for a while…"