AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: Look! I'm not putting a weak joke in my disclaimer! See what a good person I am? Now review me!

It's not working, is it?
Oh well; I own none of the characters except for Theau Thor; I have been told the rest were kidnapped by Nintendo one dark night. And… er… it was a really, really dark night.

Chapter 4

It was night time, and everyone was seated around the table to eat dinner/tea/supper/their night-time meal/brunch/a snack.
"Is it customary to say grace here?" said Zelda.
"Go ahead," said Marth graciously.
"Grace," said Zelda.
"Could we level down the noise?" said Fox. "I can't hear myself think in here."
"There was only one person speaking," interjected Zelda.
"Oh. Perhaps I'm not thinking."
"He doesn't think," said Falco.
"That would explain a lot," said Zelda.
"Let's dig in!" shouted Ness, Kirby, Yoshi and the local grocery delivery man at the same time.
Luigi took a bite. "Princess Zelda, would-a you have cooked-a this?"
"How did you know?" said Zelda eagerly.
"It's a little… er…" Luigi remembered that Zelda's sheik disguise was quite realistic, especially with that side-splitting splitting side kick. (I love doing that.)
"Well," said Samus, "the last time you tried cooking stuff, absolutely nobody liked the taste. You know…"
"I've been meaning to ask," said Popo. "I've never seen you take that suit off in front of us, Samus. How do you eat like that?"
"It's not true!" shouted Samus, firing a few power missiles and then shooting the blue door, avoiding the space dragons as she bomb-jumped her way out of the room.
"What just happened?" said Captain Falcon. "Where'd the babe go?"
"I found a foot in my bowl!" said Peach brightly.
Everyone aside from Zelda and Peach cast a disgusted look at the stew.
"That's where it went," said Zelda. "It has magical properties. If you hit someone with it, they go down."
"Wow…" said Peach.
"I suddenly don't want to know what the dressing on the steak is," said Falco, standing up.
"It's not steak, it's, well – you know that guy who got skewered alive last year?"
"I'm leaving," said Falco, departing.
"The food is fine," said Peach.
"Is that an eyeball?" said Nana. "Come on, Popo, we're going." She bodily grabbed Popo and ran out of the room, ignoring his screams.
"Is that a hammer?" said Link.

The room suddenly seemed rather empty.
"Where did everyone go?" said Peach.
"They just don't understand the culinary arts," explained Zelda.
"Why aren't you eating the food we cooked?"
"Because you're an idiot," said Zelda.
"Okay," said Peach brightly in a voice which, if one heard it, might cause you to RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND TRY TO KILL HER TO SILENCE HER AND STOP THAT DREADFUL NOISE WHICH ALREADY WOULD BE POISONING YOU MIND AND SOUL AND CONSIDERING THE HIGH FREQUENCY BODY AS WELL.
"Quiet!" said Kirby. "I'm trying to eat!" He inhaled all of the salad off everyone else's plate.
Kirby made a quick scan of the room. "Any other easily-digestible stuff here?"
"'Fraid not," said Zelda, standing up and straightening her dress. "Though-"
"-I could try the kitchen," said Kirby. "I know, I know."
"Don't you have enough food of your own?" said Young Link, returning. "I saw the suitcases you brought here-"
"That's not true!" said Kirby. "I brought clothes!"
"You don't wear clothes," pointed out Young Link.
"Uh… what you saw was actually… props. For a play. About food and stuff."
"You don't act."
"Fine," said Kirby. "You've found me out, you sleuth. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids and your dinosaur!"
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi!" "I did not search your room for food. I told you; I was looking for – what did I tell you? Hmm… clothes."
"You don't wear clothes," pointed out Kirby. "But that's okay. We can catch live people! Together. As friends."
"Yoshi yoshi, yoshi." "Yeah, that is what friends are for, Kirby."
"No problem, Yoshi. Hmm…" he looked at Young Link… "Young Link, could you please close your eyes? And lend us that large blacksmith's anvil?"
Young Link shrugged. "Okay, after all, you are- hey, wait! Are you trying to eat me or something, Kirby? Huh? Is that what you want with me?"
"Nooooo…" said Kirby, exchanging glances and forty winks with Yoshi. "What on earth makes you think that the ever-hungry Dreamlander and the notoriously large-stomached quasi-dinosaur creature would want to eat someone as tender – emotionally tender – as you?"
"The knives and forks that you're both holding?"
"Valid point," conceded Kirby. "What if I told you that they were… toys. For a game involving you closing your eyes and knocking yourself out with an anvil."
"Oh," said Young Link. "I guess that that would be okay. If… you don't play with toys!"
"Who told you such 'lies'?" said Kirby, as he and Yoshi advanced upon Young Link. "That's completely… untrue!"
Young Link gulped and pulled out his miniature sword. "I'm not afraid of you two," he boasted, waving the sword here and there in front of his face.
"Sure…" said Kirby. "Not…" He opened his mouth and inhaled Young Link's sword to become – SWORD KIRBY! (And it comes complete with a green peasant outfit. Coincidence? I think not.)
"Hey!" said Kirby. "This is my sword costume! I want my Young Link costume!"
Young Link only had seconds to make a move.

"Hey, Zelda," said Marth as Zelda left the dining hall.
"Wha- oh, hi Marth," she replied. "What are you doing here at this time?"
"Aw… just, I dunno, wandering around," said Marth. "Say, Zelda, could you do me a little favour, for a friend?"
"Sure," said Zelda. She hesitated. "It doesn't involve kneeing someone…"
"Of course not," Marth replied. "Come up to my room. We need to talk."
"Okay," said Zelda. Marth took her by the hand and led her upstairs.

Whatever the reason, Nana and Popo were sitting together in the dusty games room, playing chess.
"Well, my guy can do this!" said Nana. "What does your horsie have to say to that?"
"It's not a horsie," said Popo. "It's called a-"
"Nobody asked you for your opinion," snapped Nana, slapping her boyfriend in the face. "If you so much as consider answering back to me-"
"Bad time?" said Ness, walking in.
"Why, not at all," said Nana, transforming back into a humane. Interfering prick, she thought. And such a cheater too. He cheats at cards. And… er… cards. I ought to kick him in the-
"I heard that," said Ness, sitting down.
"AHA!" cried Nana triumphantly. "You see? He cheats! The boy from Onett cheats! He read my mind! He knew of my malicious thoughts! He was planning on reading my mind to win the game! You see? He was reading my-"
"Two things," said Ness. "First, I'm not playing. How does your theory account for that, Nana?"
"I'm working on it," replied Nana honestly. He's unsure. I have him now.
"Secondly, this is chess. Anyone can see the board. I don't need to read your mind to win, if I think hard enough."
"AHA!" cried Nana triumphantly. "You see? He cheats! The boy from Onett cheats! He plans on using his 'brain' to 'think', and thus win the game! By CHEATING! CHEATING, I tell you! Ness is the cheatiest cheat that has ev-"
"Is she always like this?" said Ness to Popo. Reading the latter's mind, he said, "Forget it."
"Nana doesn't like you," said Popo. "No idea why. Nana, why don't you like-"
Nana threw Popo into a wall. "Because Ness knows, doesn't he? He knows our little game, he does. But we will still get my precious back, we will. If only we could -"
Ness hit Nana in the head with a baseball bat, causing her to become slightly more quiet.
"That's a bit better," said Popo. "I don't know why I stay with her." He glanced down at the steel cord binding his ankle to Nana's wrist. "Oh yeah… drat…"
"It's okay," said Ness. "There are worse things that could happen to you than being chained to a psychotic girlfriend. Like… er…" Ness thought a bit.

Fortunately for Ness, an example was occurring immediately above him in a nameless room on the third floor. The person suffering the misfortune in this case was Ganondorf, along with Link. What was going on? I'll explain:
Ganondorf and Link had been shouting at each other (being mortal enemies) and Link had thrown a SSB crate at Ganondorf. Neither of them even half suspected that the crate contained millions of carrots!
"Carrots?" said Link, bemused.
"That's rather – weird," said Ganondorf, leaning down to inspect the carrots.
Millions of rabid bunnies started attacking them.
"ARGH!" screamed Link as a bunny latched on to his face. "Get this off mph!"
Ganondorf blasted balls of dark energy at the bunnies, killing a few, but it obviously wasn't enough. "I can't stop all of them," he cried in desperation. "We'll have to work together, Link!"
For a long moment, Link and Ganondorf looked at each other. Ganondorf extended his hand. "Let's forget old differences and arguments," he said.
"Okay," said Link, shaking it. "The two of us should be able to withstand-"
They were interrupted by a bunny lodging on to Ganondorf's hip with a severely noticeable ferocity. A fierce ferocity.
Link and Ganondorf worked together as friends, fighting for their lives. The onslaught of bunnies continued to mass upon them, but they were no longer overwhelmed nor outnumbered. The bunny biting onto Ganondorf's hip moved around to the sweet spot. The bunnies jumped onto the ceiling fan and swung around, sending a machine-gun like barrage of bunnies which Ganondorf and Link only just managed to-
Theau Thor sighed. "Bored already? Let me guess. It's my personality, right?"
"Personality this!" screamed Peach, charging upon the bunnies with a bag of golf clubs.
"Peach!" cried Link. "Are you here to help us defeat the psychotic bunnies!"
"We're not psychotic!" said a bunny. "We're just misunderstood!"
"Right…" said Ganondorf, stepping on the aforementioned bunny.
"Misunderstand this!" said Peach, taking off her dress.
Ganondorf blasted Peach away with his powerful magic.
The bunnies hurried around to regroup.

"There are bunnies infesting the third floor," said Mewtwo.
"Pika pi chupi!" "Shut up, Mewtwo!"
Mewtwo shrugged. "Just thought you wanted to know."
Jigglypuff rolled the dice, landing on Boardwalk (it is the original).
"Pichu pichu chu!" said Pichu. "I want my twenty million!"
"Are you absolutely sure that you're not imagining those extra zeroes?"
Pichu zapped Mewtwo in the face. "Agh! My dignity! It burns!" Mewtwo psychically grabbed the board and hit Pichu with it. Pikachu came to his friend's rescue, sending a bolt of electricity deep into Mewtwo's brain. Jigglypuff took the opportunity to steal all the title deeds. Pikachu and Pichu leaped backwards, but were still hit as Mewtwo sent boxes full of board games flying at them. Dice and sparks sprayed everywhere. Pichu did a leaping head-butt at Mewtwo's face, knocking Mewtwo backwards. Jigglypuff ate every single Chance card. Dark balls of energy narrowly missed the electric Pokemon.
"Hey, guys," said Samus, walking in. Without even raising an eyebrow, she casually stepped over the mayhem, retrieved a marble set of marbles, and left the room.
Mewtwo used his psychic powers to throw Pikachu at Pichu. Fortunately, it only hit Jigglypuff, who didn't really deserve to stay alive in a fight anyway. Another sad casualty of this was the ceiling fan, which exploded, knocking all the Pokemon into unconsciousness, and showering all the red and yellow spaces with ash.
The bunnies swarmed inside the room where the unconscious Pokemon lay, and they began to feast…

Samus strode up the staircase to the third floor, saw the bunnies, and turned around. When she reached the grand entrance room, she encountered Captain Falcon.
Captain Falcon encountered several live snakes and a large marble statue.
Samus strode past him and walked into the lounge room. "Here's your 'magical marbles', sir," she said spitefully, tossing the board at Marth, who got it full in the face.
"It's all right, sweetie," said Marth to Zelda, removing a tuning fork from his neck. "Mister Marth is still okay."
Samus walked out of the room disgustedly. "What the heck does Zelda see in him?"
"I see the end…" said Kirby. "I see the darkness spreading… I see death…"
"If you even so much as blink I will blow your eyes out," warned Samus.
"Psst," whispered Yoshi. Samus spun around, but it was too late. Yoshi grabbed her with his tongue. "No!" she yelled.
Kirby produced a large hammer. "Let's knock it out and eat it!"
"It?" said Samus. She wrenched herself free of Yoshi's grip and ran into the nearby bathroom, which doubled as a bomb shelter. She locked the door tight.
"Yoshi oyshi shiyo shoyi yoshi!" said Yoshi. "Eat the door, Kirby!"
"I can't!" said Kirby. "There's a frowny face drawn on it."
"Yoshi." "Pity."
Crazy Hand floated by. "Hey!" said Kirby. "It's the big hand thing!"
"Let's cook it into a flapjack!"
"A flapjack?" said Kirby. "You're sick. How about… a pancake? With ice cream! And tomato ketchup! And melted spinach sauce!"
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi." "Having a weak sense of taste, I don't care too much."
"HELLO, DEARIE!" rambled Crazy Hand. "HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT THE FAIR?" He bounced around on his knuckles.
Kirby and Yoshi, with their combined strength, grabbed Crazy Hand and hauled him to the kitchen.

"Marth," said Zelda. "I think I can guess why you're here."
"You – you understand?" said Marth quickly.
"Yes, yes - I think – I do hope I'm right – I think that you-"
"Yes, Zelda!" cried Marth. "I know that I am a source of admiration to everyone in this house (1). I know that you think of me every time you talk to someone, that your longing for me fills your every breath. Zelda, I'm here to tell you that I love you too. The moment I first laid eyes on you – I can't begin to communicate how wonderful the experience was. And every time I see you, I ask myself why I don't tell you of my love. I knew you loved me back."
"Oh, Marth, that's – amazing…"
"And of course, I'm not a man to greet his love without flowers," added Marth, producing a beautiful bouquet from behind his back. "These are for you, Zelda. I'm so glad we can finally be together."
"Marth?" said Zelda, taking the flowers. "Are these flowers – aren't these –"
Whatever Zelda was planning to say, they were both briefly interrupted by Donkey Kong crashing through the ceiling above them, crushing Marth.
"Oh my goddess!" said Zelda. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," said Marth.
"Are you okay?"
DK nodded. "It's just a little bump. Happened before."
"I'm so glad you're all right," sighed Zelda. "And it's quite a relief to see that you shut that foul thug of a prince up."
Marth started. "Hey, I-"
Zelda kicked Marth in the face. Theau Thor did too. "That's for all those horrible romance stories that I have to put up with! Since when do princes and princesses date?"
Zelda kissed DK, the big hairy ape, full in the face. They grappled and-
"What the-?" said Marth. "I thought you loved me!"
Donkey Kong hit Marth in the face with his don't worry I won't go there. He and Zelda continued to kiss. As they did so, Zelda opened the window with one hand and tossed Marth out.
"No! Don't leave me to the leaves!" screamed Marth.
"This is for giving a bad name to Fire Emblem and most other RPGs!" said Zelda, tossing more marble things at Marth. (I have suddenly fallen in love with marble, lest someone decide to commit the horrible sin of asking.)
"There are worst fates than leaves," said a voice. The window slammed shut.
Zelda and Donkey Kong spun around only to find a small rabbit standing before them.
The floor started to rumble ominously.

You could almost consider it a race. The bunnies had occupied the entire third floor, and making their way down to the second. Kirby and Yoshi had scared away or eaten everyone on the ground floor, except Captain Falcon and Samus who were both hiding in the grand bathroom next to the grand entrance hall and the grand display of nouns to be used with 'grand'. The bunnies and the Eaters were neck and neck – who would gain control of the second floor first? We'll find out – after this break.

"Boy, that was a good break," said Captain Falcon, flushing.
"If that was an obscure attempt to pick me up," said Samus, who was crouching low in a bathtub, sniping the door, "I have a fully charged missile and several bombs."
"Ooh," said Captain Falcon. "The girl is feisty."
Samus considered this an excuse to half kill him, and did so accordingly.
"No fair," said Captain Falcon. "It's like you're out to get me."
"I've tried to explain to you that I don't date people who are homosexual (I've heard you try to debate with Mario), ugly, stupid, irrational, weak, unworthy of the job of bounty hunter, unable to ride a bicycle, or wearing ladies' underwear."
"I'm not homosexual!" said Captain Falcon. "I already said, I saw a plumber in red. No male plumber wears red! Now will you date me?"
"I said 'or', not 'and'."
"Curses," said Captain Falcon. "I guess you're regretting letting me in?"
"I didn't let you in," said Samus. "You were stuck in the bathtub when I came in."
"It's so thin," said Captain Falcon.
"Why did you let off a miner's charge, anyway?"

"I'll charge anyway," said Kirby, swinging his fist in circles. While the little DK tie wasn't as potent as the actual ape, Kirby could still make a decent punch like this. Yoshi was chowing down boxes of Shy Guys to get sufficient ammunition.
The bunnies arrived.

--censored: contains violence and angry bunnies--

The fight had been gruesome, but after several manuscripts of blow-by-blow fight accounts, the bunnies had all been exploded I know and/or eaten.
"Now what?" said Kirby.
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi," said Yoshi. "If I knew that, I'd be writing the next chapter."

"That didn't make any sense," said Ganondorf, removing his head from Young Link's ear. "Are you sure about it?"
"Yep," said Young Link.
Mewtwo and Pichu hurried past. "I don't know what happened to Pikachu, but we'll find him. I won't rest until we do." Pichu nodded.
Jigglypuff trailed along behind them. "Jiggly piggly lig puffy gilly juff!" "I own all the hotels now! All the hotels!"
"Pichu chipu puchi puchi pu…" "We finished the game a while ago."
"Jiggly uppily puff?" "When we were attacked by an army of evil bunnies?"
Mewtwo nodded. The Pokemon rushed off.

Had they been able to see the sun, Zelda and DK would kiss to the sunset. Instead, they could only kiss to Marth's tortured screams. Not that I'm saying that that would be any less good for them, but it's just not the same, you follow?
As they did so, Kirby and Yoshi shook hands. They had done well. Granted, they hadn't been able to eat everyone in the Mansion, but they were still good friends, and that, as all bad writers know, is all that truly counts.
And so the Smashers survived their first evening confined to the confining confines of the confined Smash Mansion.
But then the night began…

Yes, that means I'm writing another chapter. Sorry 'bout that.

Footnotes:
(1) "…aside from Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu, Ness, Peach, Bowser, Zelda, Captain Falcon, Nana, Popo, Luigi, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo, Mr G&W, Pichu, Ganondorf, Falco, Young Link, Roy, and most importantly: me, Marth!"