AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: That which I might ever have claimed: may it never be claimed again without my laying claim to it when indeed I may correctly claim the right to claim such claims. Please read and review. Actually, just reviewing is fine, but reading it would be nice too.

Chapter 9

"What we need is more time," muttered Roy for the nth time, timing Marth's speed.
"Yeah," said Marth. "It's censored-ing impossible! It takes at least half a second to strip censored, and then-"

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.
"SUCK, SLAVE DOG!" bellowed Nana, whipping Popo.
"No! It's not even real, Nana, you can't-"

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.
"Hey, Pichu," said Mewtwo. "Do you want to… hang out? Despite the whole same-gender thing?"
"Pichu chip u?" "What's gender got to do with it?"
Mewtwo grabbed Pichu by the-

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.
"Oh Zelda, my Zelda, why must you be Zelda?" asked Link rhetorically, kneeling in front of Zelda (as opposed to, for example, Captain Falcon). "Deny your royal name, and I will forget my past as Link, though-"
"Besides the fact that absolutely nobody will catch the reference to that trashy English playwright's equally trashy romantic comedy (death being funny), and if they do they'll boycott the story for the implications that we're of opposite genders than we seem, and the fact that a fanfic by any other name is still just as pitiable," said Zelda, "I honestly don't want to start romance… just yet. Yet."
"Oh, fine," said Link huffily, getting up. "But know that my heart is as broken as a broken… broken thing," he finished unimpressively.
"Uh… uh…" Zelda thought hurriedly – "Augh! The presence of the colour green! So common! It burns!"
Horrified, Link raced out of the room.
Zelda turned to her closest friend in the Smash Mansion, Samus. "Why do all the guys with the vaguest connections to royalty start courting me? Within the last day-"
"Slow down, sis'." Samus stood up from her chair. "You know that half of them court anyone who might possibly have a minute chance of lasting more than 3 seconds with them-"
"As in Marth and Roy? Sluts… yeah, though I think they really wanted me to join their travelling censored. But what about Link? Ganondorf? Bowser?"
"They're just whackos," said Samus. "They don't understand what an important decision love is for you… though, come to think of it, why aren't the other two evil dudes courting you? Mewtwo might be a bit too artificial, but DK – I wonder why he hasn't tried kidnapping you yet…?"
At the sound of this, Zelda looked down to the ground sadly. I bet he thinks I'm a stupid bimbo, she thought. Probably not even worth kidnapping. He doesn't care… so why do I? Why…
"OMFG ON THE OTHER HAND," said Samus, interrupting Zelda's thoughts, "I suppose you're asking me for advice because you want to stop them from trying to flirt with you every three minutes."
"Yep," said Zelda.
"Three minutes," said Bowser. "Marry me."
"Get lost," said Zelda.
Bowser walked away, rejected.
"I can think of about three people here who I've consistently had to politely reject. My advice," said Samus, "is to respond to their gentle, loving, innocent and slightly amusing advances by firing missiles at them. If possible, try blowing up giant plants to unlock the Super Missile, which will increase your cap-"
"-Uh, Samus," said Zelda, "I appreciate your advice, but I don't exactly have a missile launcher."
"WHAT?" said Samus. "Since when did royalty stop carrying heavy artillery?... oh, wait, they never did, did they?... anyhow, let's work on finding us the materials to make one whopper of a missile laun- I meant, Polite Refusal Dispenser™."
(Note: PRD is a trademark of the Dr Salt company. Any infringements on this copyright notice will result in free bottles of Cokepsi or Pepscike, which are really, really bad – so bad that you should never, ever, even think of drinking one.)
Zelda nodded excitedly. "Right! Okay… though… uh… you said that three guys are after you. C Falcon is obvious; I think Fox might have given you the eye a couple hundred times, but who's the other one? Who else would want to see you take off your suit so badly?"

Meanwhile…
"I wonder what Samus would taste like without the armour?" said Kirby.
"Want… Samus' babies…" said C Falcon.
"Do I want to know?" said Fox.
"Food," said Kirby, eating the other two.

"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario to Luigi.
"I kind of knew that already," said Luigi.
"Hmph," said Mario.
"Pik…" sighed Pikachu, stumbling into the room.
"Kooki bungle," said Peach, skipping into the room. "Like, get it? Because it's completely unrelated?"
Luigi shot Peach a look. "What is-a it, Pikachu?"
"Pikachu… pika! Pika chu chui ik!" "Ugh… Mewtwo! He's trying to kidnap Pichu!"
"Now why on earth-a would he want to do that?" wondered Mario.
"Maybe it's because of the Peach Viewer Mail program!" said Peach. "Get it? Because it's a blatant plug for-"
"EXCUSE ME," said Theau Thor indignantly. "That was not a plug for my brother's story."
"So it was…?" said Mario.
"That was… a coincidence… uh… Luigi is your father."
Mario spun around, confused. When he turned back, Theau Thor had disappeared through a plot-hole.
"Pika, pi chuk chuk hiuk hiuk Pichu!" "Come on, let's go save our mutual friend Pichu!"
The Mario brothers and Pichu raced off, leaving Peach alone.
"My social life suddenly feels empty," said Peach, clutching her crown for no particular reason. "Does this mean that the imaginary teddy bear has turned me into a lunatic?"
"Moonatic," murmured Falco, who still had an immense hangover (honey, not alcohol).
"Ooh, a birdie," said Peach. "I'll add you to my special collection! But first I need to buy some five-cent coins!"
She dragged Falco out.

Fox McCloud sat, eating a… uh… bowl of fox food (clever, eh? Fox food? Genius…), wondering if he would ever get out and breathe the open air again.
"Fox," nodded Zelda, entering with Samus in tow. "Could you lend me a hand?"
Fox looked up, eyed Samus, mentally slapped himself for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Krystal slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Fara Phoenix slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Slippy slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, accidentally slapped himself for eyeing Samus, and collapsed to the ground, unconscious (but still eyeing Samus).
"See if he has a spare blaster," said Samus, checking Fox's food to see if it contained any secret missile expansions. It did not, so she decided that she would have to kick the table a bit.
"Please don't kick me," said the table desperately.
"It's too late for that," said Samus, kicking hard and painfully.
"Got one," said Zelda.
"Okay," said Samus. "Follow me."

"I wonder what Fox would taste like without the jacket?" said Kirby.
"Don't even think of doing it," said Fox.
"Dude," said Captain Falcon.
"Not quite relevant," said Kirby, eating them both.

"Ooh," said Peach, pointing for Falco's benefit. "It's a giant pizza."
"Hi," said the pizza. "You're not allowed to eat me yet."
"Okay," said Peach brightly. "When can we eat you?"
"You can eat me as soon as you tell me how many slices I have."
"Hmm," said Falco, still slightly disoriented. "Might we have a… hintie hint?" Falco couldn't see the pizza – indeed, only Peach could see it (suggestive, eh?) but he understood the implications: they would have to count to obtain the correct number.
"Okay," said the pizza brightly. "Some of my slices have cheese, and the rest don't. I have 2 slices with cheese and 2 slices without cheese."
"Challenging," contemplated Falco.
"I think it has two slices," whispered Peach conspiringly.
"What makes you think that?" whispered Falco back.
Peach giggled. "The number 2 appears so many times! It's like… 2 lots of 2 slices!"
"I have the lurking feeling we're doing this wrong…" said Falco, unsure.

"Uh… I know that 2 plus 2 is 4?" said DK, confused.
"Fair enough," said Ness, making notes. "I'm just trying to work out how much we all know; our intelligence, that sort of thing."
"Why?" said DK.
"Asks obvious questions," muttered Ness to himself, making notes.
"Uh, Ness, is this going to be used against me?"
"Worried about persecution… may have something to hide… tell me about your childhood, DK."
"I grew up in a jungle," said DK proudly.
Ness nodded. "Highly imaginative…"
"I did not imagine that!" said DK indignantly.
"Defensive and stubborn…"
"Excuse me! Ness, I demand you stop this at once!"
"Becomes controlling in response to threatening situations… do you enjoy kidnapping princesses as much as Bowser or your father?"
DK spluttered, "How DARE you?"
"Finds princesses a sensitive subject… probably secretly admires them…"
"I do not secretly admire every single princess I meet!"
Ness looked up, interested. "Makes Freudian slips… admires one particular princess… tell me about, uh… Pauline."
"Not too interesting," said DK.
"Peach."
"Okay, she's just stupid."
"Zelda."
"May I have a drink?"
Ness handed DK a bottle of sugar water. "Trust me," he said when DK glanced at the bottle curiously. "Most of the kids here drink it now and then. I know a couple of people are absolutely addicted to sugar."
"Oh, okay."
"But I'm still going to continue asking you about Zelda."
"Darn. Uh… isn't the weather nice, Ness?"
Ness smiled, reaching for a new pen. "Not gonna work."
"Uh… look! A plane!"
"Not gonna work."
"Okay… who here's addicted to sugar?"
"Not gonna work…"

"Pichu chu?" "Will there be sugar in your room?"
"Uh… yes, my sweet Pichu," said Mewtwo tenderly. "I will let you have my… uh… sugar. It will be… uh… very sweet sugar. And genuine sugar, too, as opposed to-"
"Stop-a him!" shouted Luigi, bursting through a door in front of them.
Mewtwo grabbed Pichu by the don't worry I won't go there and made tracks extremely hastily.
"Pichu!" "Yay! That tickles!"
"Pika chika chu!" "No, Pichu, run!"
Pichu was slightly confused. Why should he run? Why was everyone screaming at him? Why was Mewtwo's flesh so abnormally warm? (Almost freezing point!)

"Jeez Laweez," said Falco appreciatively, "what on earth do you need all those explosives for, ladies?"
"Does it really matter?" said Samus.
"Just romance stuff," said Zelda.
"Oh," said Falco, understanding. He had had a bad experience with a bomb, a slightly drunk pink cat, and a bowling ball (I won't go into the details here, as I really don't think it would be suitable right now). "Then you'll want these babies. They should help you propel your things at about one light-year per second."
"Uh," said Zelda. "Isn't that about 2 million times the speed of light? Isn't that impossib-"
"MISSILES!" screamed Samus in utter ecstasy. "MISSILES KILL THEM ALL BOOM BOOM every little Geemer will suffer the ULTIMATE DE-STRUCTION and Zelda just because Falco's exaggerating it doesn't mean that we won't be able to BLOW THEM ALL UP WOO MISSILES JUST THINKING ABOUT CUTTING PEOPLE'S LIVES SHORT MAKES ME FEEL sooo steamy MISSILES BADA BOOM EXPLODE THEM ALL CAUSATIVELY!"
"Right," said Zelda.
"I'm starting to notice a disturbing resemblance to a cat who I won't name," said Falco, backing away with his arms up. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Katt and Samus were good friends. Now, uh… I must go… for some perfectly believable reason…" he fled.
Falco was right…

--begin flashback--

"NOVA BOMBS!" screamed Katt in utter ecstasy. "NOVA BOMBS KILL THEM ALL BOOM BOOM every little bug under my feet will be crushed by the NOVA BOMBS W00T!"
"Uh-huh," said Samus unfazed. "Missiles are better."
"Are not."
"Are so."
"Are not."
"Are so."
"Are not."
Samus and Katt managed to fire bombs and missiles at each other simultaneously, causing the planet which they happened to be standing on to BLOW UP WOO EXPLOSIVES THEY WILL ALL DIE BOOM SO VERY HOT IN ALL POSSIBLE MEANINGS OF THE WORD.
"Hey," said Samus. "Let's go kill someone."
"Let's go kill sometwo," joked Katt. "Get it? Two?"
Samus considered. "Uh… no."
"Hmph," said Katt, firing a Nova Bomb at her own don't worry I won't say that word.

--end flashback--

By the way, Katt is some Kat – sorry, cat – from Star Fox 64. She and Falco have an item (they're looking into getting a couple more before moving to the checkout. Is this a metaphor? I don't know; go away).

"Hm…" said Falco. "Maybe – and this is just a suggestion, Peach – we shouldn't just take the number 2's, but add them! You know? 2 plus 2?"
"No," said Peach. "The answer is 2."
"What about 2 times 2?"
"The answer is 2."
"Uh… 2 to the power of 2?"
"It has to be 2!" said Peach. "It's like… fate!"
"Okay," said Falco. "Magical pizza! You have 2 slices!"
"Correct," pronounced the imaginary but very magical pizza. "Now I shall have to KILL YOU ALL!"
"Yay!" said Peach.
Falco fainted because he had been chewing on his arm for no apparent reason, resulting in a loss of blood. Logical? No. Funny? No. In this story? Naturally.

"Got-a him!" shouted Mario, diving into Mewtwo, tackling him to the ground.
"Curses," said Mewtwo. "How will I be able to steal his electric powers now?"
"You were only after his electric powers?" said Mario, Luigi, and Pikachu.
"Yes… what… else could… I… be after…?"
Mario, Luigi and Pikachu shrugged and disappeared, dragging Pichu away by the… uh… tail.

"WE HAVE MISSILES!" screamed Samus, punching a hole in the roof, sending a small stream of leaves flooding in.
"So now what?" said Zelda.
"Please read and review," said Theau Thor.
"Now we wait," said Samus, "and see if anyone comes that we can blow up."
"I'm tired," said Theau Thor. "Right, everyone! Chapter over!"
"But then we'll have to wait to blow people up!" moaned Samus.
But Zelda's missile exploits will have to wait. Until then…