Author's note: This is a parody of all those terribly written, hormone driven fics out there. Most of them have terrible grammar and spelling, little to no plot, and too many illogical actions on the parts of all the characters. Hermione will not date Draco, Harry or Snape. Draco, Harry, Remus, Snape and Sirius are not gay. Nobody will wear leather pants of any sort. And most importantly: Ginny is not a perfect little goody two shoes. In case you all missed the Memo: Severus Snape is a traitor. Get over him. The only way he will be redeemed is at his death. He will never become anyone's friend outside of someone in the Death Eater circle. UGH!

Disclaimer: I own none of this. It's all JK Rowling's. If you think this story is about your fic, then please delete it. It isn't too late for redemption, and despite what they say, suicide is not a mortal sin.

Behind the Scenes

Part one: Draco

It had been a long day in Fanfiction world, and Draco Malfoy was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to collapse in his bed, and never take part in another Fanfic for the rest of his life.

But alas, he was a slave to the keyboard of fourteen year old fangirls, and had no choice. He was a puppet in a way. They made him do things with the buttons they pressed, and he did them. He had no choice.

He downed his shot of fire whiskey, and tossed a few galleons on the counter. It was time to go home and get some much needed rest. He walked to the fireplace. He was still Sober enough to Floo… but only just. One or two more of Odgen's best and he'd be out of commission.

'There's still a bar at home…' he thought. 'But I can't stand one more minute in these leather pants!'

Draco tossed a handful of powder into the fireplace, said "Malfoy Manor" and stepped into the whirling, green flames. He would have apparated, but recently wards had been put up around Diagon Alley and the Leaky Cauldron to keep people from doing so.

He hacked out a mouthful of soot and ash, before staggering into the Malfoy family living room. Draco hated Floo Powder more than anything else in the world. Well… not anything.

Fanfic writers, Leather pants, and fanfic writers who make him wear leather pants were all way up there. And really, compared to some of those writers, Potter wasn't that bad of a bloke. Neither was Voldemort for that matter. Both were downright nice in comparison.

For one, neither of them had ever forced him to kiss Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, or Luna Lovegood.

'Ugh… Weasels, Mudbloods and nutcases…' he thought.

Another reason, was neither Harry, nor Voldemort had ever forced him to perform oral sex on Severus Snape.

'Don't think about that!' he chided himself. 'Drinking is supposed to wipe out the taste AND the memory.'

Draco trudged slowly up the mansion stairs, wincing at every step he took.

'What was she thinking with that strap-on?' he wondered, clutching at his rear. He reached the landing and opened the first door on the left. His room. His sanctuary. Where even bratty pre-pubescent little girls couldn't get at him. He closed the door and locked it behind him with three different spells. Next he ripped the leather pants off of his body. He yelped with pain as there was a painful peeling sound. He'd been wearing the pants for so long (except for the strap-on incident) that they had nearly grafted themselves to his skin. The knees were worn out of the pants. He had been forced to spend that much time kneeling.

'Don't think about that!' he admonished himself again.

He finally succeeded in pulling the trousers off his ankles and tossed them into the corner. An 11" long length of garden hose fell out of the leggings. It was a tool used by those evil writers to make him look as if he had a 'Larger Package.'

He swore a few times and looked down to stare at his now bare legs. The whitening charm to make him ghostly pale was starting to wear off. (Draco was actually quite tan.) Underneath the charm, he saw the rash he'd been hiding for weeks. He was allergic to something the leather was treated with and it was causing him to break out in hives.

'Fucking fan girls…' he thought.

Draco limped into the bathroom and took a swig of mouthwash. 'I should just kill myself…' he thought. 'At least it means I won't have to suck Potter's…STOP IT!'

He spat the mouthwash into the sink and limped back into his room. He collapsed into his bed and opened the top drawer of his nightstand. A bottle of "Mad Willy's Nightcap" awaited him and he took a swig straight from the bottle. It was absinthe. Strictly speaking, it was illegal, but he didn't care. Spending the next few days too trashed to move and hallucinating would be a welcome change.

"I hate my life." he muttered before taking another swig. It wasn't long until he had passed out. At least it numbed the pain… somewhat.

A/n: This story will have 7-8 parts to it. One for Draco, Ginny, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Snape and possibly one for Lupin. If you have any requests for this, feel free to review me about them. I love good ideas. Also, this story is meant to attract flames, so if you seem to think you are a critic: Please… Bring it on.

HATE MAIL IS STILL MAIL! Or in this case a review. But don't hesitate, and keep nothing back. I won't be offended. That's your job.