-1A/N: Double feature chapter! The reason: when I looked at what I had written for Sirius, I found it didn't fill a whole chapter. In fact, it wasn't even close. So I decided to toss Professor Snape into the mix. Hope it's likable.

Snape rant: This is remarkably similar to my Draco rant. Only on a much more scary level. SNAPE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE HERMIONE'S FATHER! Hermione is the same age as Harry. Harry's parents are the same age as Snape. Thus Snape is old enough to be Hermione's father. That's just sick. It means that Snape is at least 18 years older than she is. That means that when Hermione was being conceived, if Snape was lucky enough he was getting laid at the exact same time. He learned to apparate before she was born. WE ARREST PEOPLE LIKE THAT IN THE REAL WORLD. Hello? Earth to fan girl. Ever hear of statutory rape? And don't even get me started on Ginny, Draco, Harry and whomever else you have him fuck. Get a life people. So here, I shall take Snape, and paint him in the image that you paint him in. This is nothing but the image that you give me when I read your sorry little story. Only with grammar. And logic. Here is Snape, exactly as you've depicted him. With just a bit of realism tossed in for added effect.

Sirius rant: I would like to begin this rant by stating that Sirius is my absolute favorite HP character. Or rather was. HE'S FREAKING DEAD, PEOPLE! LET HIM GO! Ok, it seems these days a third of all the fics have people traveling back in time to save Sirius, or bringing him back from the dead… or just pretending he never died in the first place. They're like ostriches, sticking their heads in the sand pretending that nothing happened. It's pathetic. And so, without further ado, I give you the Sirius section of the chapter.

Behind The Scenes

Chapter Four: Snape & Sirius

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"And…ACTION!" The fan girl screeched from her director's chair. So far the fic had gone off without a hitch. There were to be no mistakes now. Her fingers typed away at her laptop as Harry made his way onto the set.

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed, trying to sound excited. "You're alive! But how?"

Sirius didn't speak. He was being held upright by strings after all. Above the set, her best friend manipulated Sirius as if he were nothing more than a puppet. His voice was to be added later by her other friend. He always wanted to play Sirius.

"Wow, Sirius that's great! Just don't die like that again!" Harry said, feeling vaguely ill.

In the next scene, Sirius was supposed to envelop Harry in a fatherly hug. The proper strings were moved, and by all rights, Sirius the corpse-puppet should have glided across the set and wrapped his arms around Harry.

But then, there was a disgusting tearing sound. Sirius collapsed on the set, his head coming free of his slightly decomposed neck and rolling off the stage.

"CUT!" the fan girl screeched. "STAGE CREW! GET DOWN THERE WITH SPELLOTAPE IMMEDIATELY! WE HAVE A CRISES!"

Stage hands of all ages came onto the stage and retrieved Sirius's head. One of them held it in place while another sewed the two pieces of skin together. Once the stitching was complete, another stage hand gathered an old broom handle. They ran the broom handle down the back of Sirius's shirt, and spell taped it to his back and the back of his neck. So that he would stand upright.

Flies orbited Sirius like moons around a planet.

"LYSOL!" the director fan girl screeched. "SOMEBODY SPRAY SOME LYSOL! SIRIUS REEKS!"

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Severus Snape reclined at his desk. By all rights, he should be grading papers right now. But no. He knew that he had another purpose. His fingers found their way to the masculine gold medallion around his neck. Stroking it… tracing a pattern with his fingertips.

He heard a footstep. It was time.

"Why, hello Mrs. Zeller. What a nice night to be having a detention…don't you think?" he asked silkily. He was like a tiger, advancing on his prey. It would only be a matter of time before he had her. Just like all the rest.

((Author's note: Rose Zeller is sorted into Hufflepuff (page 209. She's the only girl mentioned out of the two names of people who are sorted. I only used her because she was the youngest I could get. Harry misses the sorting in Half Blood Prince, thus: there are no listed names. I'd have to make something up.) in Order of the Phoenix. At the time this fic is taking place, that would make her a second year.))

Rose Zeller was shaking. Literally, her knees were quivering and goosebumps had crept up her arms and legs. This was her first detention… and it was with Professor Snape of all people. She really didn't like the hungry look that Professor Snape was giving her.

'Maybe it's true what people said about him being a vampire… Is he going to eat me? Maybe I should run…' Rose thought.

'No!' another voice said in her mind. 'Do you know how many points we'll lose if I walk out of detention? I'd be better off dead after what my housemates would do.'

So, Rose gulped and answered his question. "Y-yes." she stammered. "Beautiful night…"

Snape felt one corner of his mouth come up in a twisted sort of smile. She was as good as his.

"Come into my office. I have a few… ingredients that need filing." Snape purred.

"Y-y-yes professor." Rose managed, as Snape herded her into his office. The door locked with a snap behind him.

Rose was absolutely horrified when she entered the room. There weren't any potion ingredients anywhere. But the wall was covered with… pictures. Disgusting pictures. Thousands of them. All the walls and the ceiling were covered with moving pictures of Professor Snape…doing things. To people. And not just girls. Little boys too.

Rose felt a strange tingling between her legs that she'd never felt before. Snape came up from behind her and reached his hand up her skirt. Rose squealed with shock and tried to get away from the professor. Snape held her tight and started unbuttoning her blouse.

"HELP!" Rose screamed to no avail. "Somebody help!"

"Nobody can hear you…" Snape whispered into her ear. He had to stoop to do so. He was nearly two feet taller than she was. "This room is sound-proofed."

"No…" Rose managed. She stopped flailing and surrendered herself to this monster. Best to get it over with than to struggle and make it take longer.

Severus removed Rose's blouse completely. Rose wasn't quite old enough to be wearing a bra. She was just starting to bud.

"Perfect…" Snape hissed under his breath.

Rose cried as she became yet another notch in Professor Snape's belt. Another picture on his wall of shame. A few hours later, Rose returned to her dormitory with a limp and tears in her eyes. Snape simply laid back on his bed with a smile on his face. He could still smell the sweat of pre-pubescent little girls in his room. Severus sat upright and reached into his desk drawer. Inside was a list. But not just any list. It was the Hogwart's enrollment list. With a quill, Snape put a check next to the last second year on the list.

"I wonder… How many first years are there this semester?" he asked himself.

He counted twenty. And with only four weeks left in the school year. That was five detentions a week. Snape grinned. He was up for a fun month. He grabbed his wand from his nightstand and attached Rose's picture on the wall to the left of his bed. Right next to the photos of the Creevy brothers.

Snape collapsed back on the bed and flicked his wand at the wizarding wireless. It tuned in to a station playing nothing but hymns. He found himself singing along with the one that was playing.

"Jesus loves the little children… All the little children in the world!" Severus sang.

Soon, he was asleep. Off to pleasant dreams of another year, and another twenty little boys and girls.