AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: Have my babies (be careful, they bite).

Chapter 14

"At this point," said Theau Thor, "I'd like to add that although I have a very general story arc planned, it mostly involves Link's slow journey of discovery as he learns how to cook. I have no idea how this is going to end. Speaking of which…"

"I can't believe I'm doing this," said Link disbelievingly in a state of disbelief, unable to believe that he was doing to unbelievable – it was beyond belief! He couldn't believe it.
"Oh, I believe you can," said Zelda believingly, in an encouraging voice which spoke of belief in what was obviously a very believable belief.
"But this is wrong," said Link. "It goes against all I hold dear."
"Sometimes you have to let go," said Zelda. By a stroke of irony, she accidentally dropped a brick on Link's foot at this moment.
"Ow!" said Link, jumping in shock (well, trying to. Of course he couldn't jump with his foot pinned down by a brick).
"Uh… the kids did it," said Zelda.
"Darn kids," said Link. He then began his self-righteous rant. "Why does everyone else have to work so hard to cause utter chaos?"
"Cooking," Zelda reminded him.
"Oh. Right." Link had nearly forgotten that Zelda was teaching him how not to remember to not cook… or something like that.
"Have you put the onions in the onion bowl?"
"Yes," said Link through gritted teeth, "I have put your onions in the onion bowl because that's the obvious thing to do."
Zelda either failed to notice or ignored the sarcasm. Possibly both.

"Hi," said Kirby, sticking his head into the games room. "Have either of you seen the Pokemon?"
"No," said Ness, shrugging.
"I am a Pokemon, you mindless inferior fool!" raged Mewtwo, shrugging.
"Oh, okay," said Kirby, and walked towards another room.
There he found two other people. For the sake of pretending to care, let's say that they were Young Link and Zelda- what? Zelda is already somewhere else? Okay, scrap that.
There Kirby found Ganondorf and Bowser, who were almost certainly plotting something dastardly and evil and not very nice at all.
"Hi, evil people," said Kirby, "have you seen the Pokemon?"
"'Fraid not," said Bowser.
"Maybe we could use him to carry the vector?" said Ganondorf.
"Too risky," said Bowser.
"Uh," said Kirby, "are you plotting something evil?"
"What? No! Of course not," said Ganondorf, slamming the door in Kirby's face.
"Well, that didn't really work," observed Kirby.
He got bored and decided that he'd go to a secret room that he had found not so long ago.
"Where better for a snack," he said to himself, "than Master Hand's secret seemingly-infinite food store?" And that is where he went.
However, when Kirby got there, he was confronted by the most extraordinary surprise! It was Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff – the three Pokemon who he had been looking for.
"What are you three doing here?" he said.
"Pika?" "What?" Pikachu looked up. He thought quickly. "Oh, Kirby… we're… well, erm…"
"-we're not here," said Jigglypuff.
"You aren't?" said Kirby.
"We aren't?" said Pichu.
"Oh," said Kirby, "for a moment I thought you were here."
"Well, we're not," said Pikachu firmly.
"Meh," said Kirby, and left.
All three Pokemon breathed a sigh of relief.
"Trust Kirby to be the only other person to know where this food store is," said Pikachu.
"Hey! Don't diss Kirby!" said Jigglypuff angrily. "You just don't like cute pink puffballs!"
"No, I don't," said Pikachu, "because they can be very annoying."
"Kirby isn't anno- wait, I'm a pink puffball too – hey!"
Pichu smiled. His two best friends in the entire world often had silly discussions like this where they would pretend to insult each other. Obviously it wasn't real, of course. How could his two best friends in the entire world argue with each other?
"Well, at least Kirby didn't realise that we were here," said Pikachu. "Too obsessed with food. Speaking of which…"
The Pokemon feasted.

"Maybe we should think philosophically about life," said Fox.
"Okay-a," said Mario.
"Well," said Fox, "maybe we aren't real."
"What-a makes you think that?"
"A congregation of monumental legends come to fight each other, with everything on an even level? In reality? Doubtful."
"I-a see what you mean-a, Fox. Everything is so-a ordered. Where is the randomness-a, eh?"
"Right," said Fox. "So if we aren't real, then what are we?"
"Uh-a, perhaps we are characters in a game. That would-a explain the fighting and violence and why we are surprisingly balanced."
Fox nodded sagely. "Good point there, Mario. But then why are we having this great philosophical debate?"
"Perhaps we are part of a philosophical fighting game?" suggested Mario.
Fox didn't think so.

"Zelda," said Link, "are you really sure that this qualifies as cooking?"
"Sure I am," quipped Zelda, "so be a good lad and put those books into the oven."
"I suspect some ulterior motive here," said Link.
"Well, if you do, you're wrong; it's just the quality of my cooking."
"This explains why it tastes so bad," said Link.
"You insulted a princess! Why-" Zelda pulled a golf club out of the oven and whacked Link with it.
"Ow," said Link, because he was in pain.
"Serves you right for insulting me," said Zelda, whacking him again to satisfy her sadistic needs.
"Ow," said Link.
"And by the way, it's no business of yours how good my cooking is," said Zelda, whacking Link again just for the heck of it.
"Ow," said Link, who was beginning to sense a pattern.

"So we should be hibernating?" said Pichu.
"Yes," said Jigglypuff, "so let's, uh… sleep?"
"Yes, we're going to sleep," said Pikachu.
"Nobody will come and hurt me?" said Pichu.
For those of you who are trying to work out the relationship between Pikachu and Jigglypuff, observe the following dialogue:
"No," said Pikachu.
"And if they do, I'll hide you," said Jigglypuff.
"If anyone comes, I'll give them a beating," said Pikachu.
"If anyone comes, I'll make them wish they never had," said Jigglypuff.
"If anyone comes, I'll kill them," said Pikachu.
"If anyone comes, I'll kill Pikachu," said Jigglypuff, "as well as them."
"Well, I'll kill everyone except for me and you, Pichu," said Pikachu.
"I'll destroy the world!" shouted Jigglypuff.
"Not before I do!" pronounced Pikachu.
Sadly, this entire ego struggle was in vain, as Pichu was long asleep.
"Well, that was a waste," said Jigglypuff.
"I know," said Pikachu.
"I blame you."
"Well, you suck."
"Do not!"
"Do too."
"Do not!"
"Do not?"
"Do too," said Jigglypuff.
"Ha! Tricked you," said Pikachu.
Jigglypuff burst into tears, slapped Pikachu, and threw Pichu at him.
Pikachu growled, hit Jigglypuff, and threw a large pineapple at her.

So anyway…

"This is making less and less sense," said Bowser.
"Yep," said Ganondorf, "it's degrading into another flop of low-grade trash which nobody worth his weight in feathers would consider worthwhile."
Theau Thor randomly appeared.
"Please tell me," he said, "that you aren't referring to this story, because if you are, I shall have to use my Plot Device of Omnipotence to make you fall in love with sacks of pepper…"
"What story?" said Ganondorf. "We were talking about our evil plot."
"I'm so gullible that I believe you," said tikit- correction, Theau Thor, who promptly vanished into thin air.
"Why is the air so thin here?" said Bowser.
And now for the punchline…
"The air is so thin because it's been staying healthy!" said Peach.
Nobody laughed.
"Uh… this is funny because I have my own mail show?" said Peach.
"That wasn't funny," said Ganondorf.
"And you weren't here a moment ago," said Bowser.
"Actually, that kind of sucked," said Ganondorf.
"Oh, dear," said Peach, "I guess I'd better… uh… THE PEACH VIEWER MAIL PROGRAM ALL THE WAY!"
And she did.

"Did what?" said Ness.
"Shut up," raged Mewtwo.
"But absolutely nothing makes any sense any more!" said Ness. "I mean, granted, we've only been trapped in here for 24 hours, but things should surely have settled down by now! Instead, everyone is going hysterical!"
"Fool," raged Mewtwo, "you simply haven't thought of the answer yet."
"But none of this makes sense. Look at the facts!" Ness paused, gathering his thoughts. "The Smashers are trapped in the house! Donkey Kong has terrible shopping skills! Kirby is holding the fridge hostage! Peach has dark, soup bowl-related secrets! Samus and Nana find something in common! Zelda and Peach still can't cook! Jigglypuff is mind-controlling the kids! The bunnies are attacking! Ness doesn't cheat! A 300 word sentence is on the loose! Peach is struggling with her (relatively) intelligent shoes! Ness is blackmailing Mewtwo! Marth has inadvertenly condemned Roy to Death by Candy Bar! The non-running gag has returned! Young Link is hyper-possessive! A shocking truth about the leaves is revealed! The honey is dangerous! Peach learns the power of addition! Samus is sadist! (Who would have guessed?) They're down to their last coffee beans! Theau Thor has returned with a vengeance! Pichu's sunglasses are ugly! Popo is a moose! Peach can't remember her name! The coffee sparks the ultimate fight! Pichu misinterprets his friends' relationship! Kirby isn't being courted by Samus! Young Link can bite! Mario and Fox nearly admit their non-existence! The Pokemon go into hibernation! WILL I EVER GIVE THIS STORY A RESOLUTION? Read to find out!..."
Mewtwo stared. "Did you just-"
"Yes," said Ness. "Yes, I just summarized everything that's happened in this mansion since we've been trapped inside. 24 hours. Explain."
"You know, if this wasn't reality, I'd say that was a bad synopsis of a story or perhaps a summary designed to generate interest for it."
"Or both," said Ness.
"Yes," raged Mewtwo, "but either way it would suck."
"Wait a minute…" said Ness, "how did I know that Mario and Fox are admitting their own non-existence? What non-existance?"
"Because you are psychic," said Theau Thor, using the oldest excuse in the book.
"Oh, okay," said Ness.
"Yep," raged Mewtwo.

"No! Wait! I have-a got it!" said Mario.
"What?" said Fox excitedly.
"We are-a both part of a highly violent game-a-"
"-fighting game…"
"-and we are sitting here as a result of a bad novel released to raise awareness for-a the game!"
"No," said Fox. "That's closer than ever, but it can't be right. No official publication would be this bad."
"Then this-a is a fan work!" said Mario.
"Bingo," said Fox.

"I'm glad we're hidden here," said Pikachu, gazing at Pichu's sleeping form.
"Oh, why?" said Jigglypuff.
"We're safe from the insanity of the outside world," said Pikachu.
"I hate you," said Jigglypuff.
"Vice versa," said Pikachu.
"Right, well, let's hibernate, too."
"Okay… as long as you don't draw on my face while I'm asleep."
"Sure… as long as you don't slit my throat while I'm asleep."
Pikachu and Jigglypuff glared at each other maliciously, then slept quite peacefully.

"And I can save myself from evil, thank you very much!" said Zelda, whacking Link out of spite.
"Ow," said Link, who was beginning to become rather bored.
"And you're really too handsome," said Zelda, whacking Link with a golf club for no reason other than spontaneity.
"Ow," said Link, trying to figure out if there was some way that he could escape this seemingly-inevitable fate.
"There's no escape," said Zelda, simultaneously whacking Link and dashing his hopes.
"Ow," said Link, who was now rather miserable.

"Now what kind of fan fiction would this be?" said Fox, exploring the possibilities.
"Well," said Mario, "it-a must be a drama."
"You think?" said Fox. "Why?"
"Because-a of all the complex plots and subplots which we can-a see around-a us!"
"Uh… no?"
"True…" Mario considered. "Well-a, perhaps this is an action slash-a adventure story."
"No," said Fox, "because we are frickin' trapped in a boring mansion here. There is absolutely no room for dramatic fight sequences or horrific discoveries. So that can't be the case, I'm afraid. Sorry about that, Mario."
"2006!" said Mario. "Well-a, perhaps this is a humour story, eh, Fox?"
"And what exactly makes you think that that's the case?" said Fox.
"Well-a, for a start, the fact that all this randomness is occurring."
"Of course! And the fact that we're considering that this is a story is either a deep, meaningful philosophical cornerstone of the story – or just a bad joke!"
"Exact-a-ly," said Mario. "So in this-a case, what else can we find as evidence?"
"The fact that everyone has a vibrant personality complete with slapstick-style faults!" said Fox. "The fact that Captain Falcon turned into a rabbit for a paragraph! This even explains why I have failed to notice Kirby nibbling on my tail during this conversation!"
"Uh… heh heh…" said Kirby. He ran for it.
"So-a let's tell everyone of our-a discovery!" said Mario.
"No," said someone completely different, "I can't let you do that."
"Why?" said Fox and Mario, spinning around. "And who are you?"
"I'll answer the second question first – I am Theau Thor," said Theau Thor. "I-"
"-let me guess," said Fox, "judging by your name you represent the author of this story-"
"SILENCE!" cried Theau Thor. Tikit- I- they- the auth- my- that person, calming down, said, "I'm trying to keep my identity a secret so that the readers are left in suspense as to my identity."
"But it's kind of really obvious," said Mario.
"Well," said Theau Thor, "I was- I- well- AS FOR YOUR FIRST QUESTION! Why can't I let you spread the truth to the characters? I have two exceptionally good reasons."
"Which are…?" said Mario and Fox.
"Firstly, acknowledging that a story is a story is something that is done in old plays and such. And you know what? Nobody remembers these old plays! I'm not completely sure if this argument of cum hoc ergo propter hoc is completely correct, but it sits fine with me. Plus, I once read this Norwegian book where some evil characters in a book discover that they are characters and rebel and kill and crushinate sic their author!"
"OH NOES!" said Mario.
"I see your point," said Fox. "Your other reason?"
Theau Thor nodded. "Secondly, I'm evil and a control-freak."
"Fair enough," said Fox.
"So-a how are you going to stop us?" said Mario.
"I've thought of a way," said Theau Thor. "You see, I have written down this entire section of the chapter, however, I can easily delete it if I want to. But it would be too much work to replace everything, so instead, I'm going to say that none of this journey of discovery ever happened!"
"You can't do that," said Mario and Fox. "People reading this story will notice this section, and they might forget what you say afterwards about it not being real!"
"Well," said Theau Thor, "I have a contingency plan. I'm going to use the ultimate writer's weapon against his or her own plot!"
"Not-a that!" gasped Mario.
"Yes," said Theau Thor, "I'm going to use the Author's Note! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!..."
"NOOOO!" cried Mario and Fox.

Author's Note: Please realise that the entire conversation between Mario and Fox was an experiment to, uh, insert excuse here. It never happened, and will not be counted as canon for the purposes of this story. We apologise for making something you spent time reading obsolete. Or do we…? (And by 'we', I mean 'I'. Or do we…?)
On a side note, read anything you can by Jostein Garder. And if you're female and a mammal, marry me.
The point being that you should consider anything that happened to Fox or Mario this chapter as null and void. To demonstrate this point, I shall give you this paragraph:

"Strange," said Mario. "We've been sitting in this room for an unspecified-a period of time-a, and nothing has-a happened."
"We haven't even talked," said Fox.
"And most importantly, you haven't realised that you're not real," said Theau Thor.
"What?" said Fox.
"Nothing; carry on," said Theau Thor, turning into a small highlighter so as to effect his immediate escape from the scene.

"Life is boring," said Captain Falcon.
Kirby ate him.
Please flame. I mean, please review. I mean – well, come on, people! Do something!