AUTUMN DAYS

DISCLAIMER: Owned.

Chapter 16

WARNING: In this chapter, the entire freaking story jumps the shark.

"Well," said Samus, "this is boring."
"There's nothing boring about this at all!" exclaimed Zelda delightedly. "We're causing needless pain to innocent people, and we're having fun while we're doing it, and we're recapitulating on everything that happened just two minutes ago – how could this ever be boring?"
"Well," said Samus, "don't you feel that this is getting a bit repetitive?"
"Surely not!" exclaimed Zelda. "How could causing needless pain to innocent people, having fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago be repetitive?"
"I was just thinking," said Samus, "that we're causing needless pain to innocent people, having fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago the exact same way every time!"
Zelda frowned. "You're right," she said. "So how do you think we should cause needless pain to innocent people, have fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago from now on?"
"I don't know," said Samus.

"How very anticlimactic," said the rofl pony.

"Catch that cursed fridge!" shouted Mewtwo, as he and Ness raced across the giant garden outside the Smash Mansion.
Kirby ducked under a tree and weaved around further.
"Wait…" said Ness, slowing down. "Weren't we all trapped inside a moment ago?"
"Oh," said Theau Thor, materialising. "Must be a minor slip-up. Back inside you go."
Ness, Mewtwo, and Kirby reappeared inside the Smash Mansion, which really was buried under the leaves this time around.
"Now what?" said Ness.
"Maybe you're supposed to keep on chasing me?" suggested Kirby.
"Yeah," mulled Mewtwo, "that's probably it."
They kept chasing him.

In stark contrast (which is a literary device) to Ness, Mewtwo and Kirby, who were being very active, Marth and Roy were lounging around in Marth's room.
"So," said Roy, reaching for some crystallised pineapple pieces, "now that the llama we were using as censored has decided to run off and join the local circus, what do we do now?"
"I know!" said Marth. "Remember that amateur web site we made last week?"
"Yeah?" said Roy excitedly.
"Let's put some censored pics onto it!"
"Like what?"
Marth explained; Roy giggled evilly; the two of them set off to find a wig, a tub of ice, and Yoshi.

Yoshi, by an enormous coincidence, was talking to Kirby at that particular moment.
"Yoshi yosh ish yoshi?" "So you can't find the Pokemon?" he asked.
"'Fraid not," said Kirby, munching on a candy bar wrapper.
"So who do we play with now?" sulked Yoshi.
"Relax," said Kirby, patting Yoshi on the saddle-thing consolingly, "we'll find something exciting to do. We always do."
"Thanks… why are you eating a candy bar wrapper?"
"It tastes like chocolate," explained Kirby.
"Wouldn't the candy inside the wrapper taste better?" said Yoshi exasperatedly.
"Hey… that's a good idea," said Kirby. "Thanks, Yoshi; you're the best iguana ever!"
"I'm not an iguana-" Yoshi began before Bowser crashed through the ceiling, landing on Kirby.
"Oh, hi," said Bowser, smiling and waving.
"Arararararararararar…" Yoshi began.
"Hey, what's your problem?" shouted Bowser. "It's not like I landed on you!"
"…rararararararararar…"
Bowser looked around and then noticed Kirby's left foot sticking out from under his shell.
"Oops," he said, rolling to the side.
Kirby stood up. His flesh was so elastic that he popped back into shape easily, although there were large dents in his face the size of Bowser's spikes.
"Ow!" he complained.
"Woah, I'm so sorry!" said Bowser, shame-faced. "Are you okay?"
"Wha-? Oh, I'm fine," replied Kirby, pulling out a candy bar he had hidden in Bowser's shell a few days ago.
Yoshi recovered from the shock, and then fainted.
"So how did you come to be falling from the ceiling, anyway?" wondered Kirby.
"Heh, heh…" laughed Bowser weakly. "It's the stupid floorboards in this stupid mansion. They won't take my weight."
"I know the feeling," said Kirby sympathetically – and it was true, only a week ago, he had fallen through a concrete bridge in Fourside after inhaling a few passing cars.
"Horrible, ain't it?" said Bowser, staring into space.
"Yep," said Kirby, hopping backwards into a sitting position. "So, how are you?"
Marth and Roy ran into the room wearing wigs and dragged Yoshi out.
"Not too bad," said Bowser, "aside from everyone hating me for various reasons and all. You?"
"I'm hungry," said Kirby.
"Wow," said Bowser. "That's shockingly… shocking."
"Yep," affirmed Kirby, "in fact, I'm so surprised by my being hungry myself that I don't know what to say or do. It's not my style to just… be hungry. I'm usually hungry and cute or something of the kind. But right now, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!"
"Horses are quite big, though," said Bowser.
"Well, I could at least eat Yoshi," said Kirby. "Mmm… Yoshi. Where is he, anyway?"
"I don't know!" said Bowser, turning around. "He was unconscious on the floor just a moment ago; where could he be now?" He began to pace around.
Kirby stood up as well, looking shocked. "This is horrible! Yoshi is missing!"
"Good riddance," said Bowser snidely (in case you didn't know, Yoshi was not one of those people who openly supported everything Bowser did).
"Now who do I eat?" wondered Kirby. He turned to Bowser, and then his eyes began to glaze over. "Ooh… Bowser… I have an idea…" he said, drooling.
"QUICK! Let's find Yoshi!" exclaimed Bowser frantically.
And thus Bowser and Kirby set off to find Yoshi so that Kirby could eat him, not Bowser.

The secret food cache now empty, Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Pichu were now beginning to tire of their confines – indeed, they were becoming bored.
"I'm bored," said Pichu.
Pikachu and Jigglypuff glanced at each other, making 'your fault' faces.
"Well," said Pikachu, "let's play the 'Go to Sleep' game!"
Seeing Pichu's sceptical face, Jigglypuff piped in, "It's lots of fun!"
"Oh," said Pichu, seemingly reconsidering. "Well, I guess that's okay then." And he settled down to sleep, nice and peacefully.
The moment they were sure he was asleep, Pikachu and Jigglypuff started their usual pastime of bickering about nothing in particular.
"Well," said Jigglypuff, "you've got us into this 'hibernating' mess, so-"
"Oh, no you don't," interrupted Pikachu, raising a paw. "You're always setting a bad example for Pichu, what with all of your stupid running around doing stupid things with stupid Peach!"
"Peach," said Jigglypuff crossly, "is not stupid!"

Peach, as it happened, was quite busy talking to herself.
"What's on television?" said Peach.
"Nothing!" said Peach.
"Well, that's bad!" said Peach.
"Yes, it is!" said Peach.
"Best friends!" said Peach.
"Yay!" said Peach.
"Let's go find some food!" said Peach.
"Okay!" said Peach, "I like maple syrup juice!"

At this point, I – sorry, Theau Thor (once again, not a self-insert) seriously began to run out of ideas. Ergo:

"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.
"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.
"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.
"Hi," said Marth, "do either of you have a wig lying around?"
"I'm afraid-a not-a," said Mario.
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.
Roy noticed that Luigi was standing in a tub of ice.
"Look, Marth!" he said. "A tub of ice!"
Marth and Roy pulled the tub of ice out from under Luigi's feet and ran off with it. And, of course, their hostage Yoshi.

Link was sitting on a chair, reading a book. The chair was made of wood. The book was made of paper. Link was enjoying himself. All was good.
"Hi, Link!" said Zelda, not taking the trouble to conceal the missile launcher in her hands. "How are you?"
"What are you doing?" said Link, his suspicions aroused.
"Getting my revenge," hissed Zelda, firing a missile at Link. Link yelled, exploded, and then died.
"Revenge?" said Samus, entering the room behind. "Revenge for what?"
"I dunno," shrugged Zelda, "it sounded like a good thing to say."
Silence.
"Fair enough," said Samus. "Well, good job. Sixteen chapters and we've finally killed off the only sensible character."
Silence.
"What?" said Zelda.
"I don't know," said Samus, "saying that felt… right."
"I was never here," said Theau Thor, vanishing into thin air.
"Well, let's go kill some more people!" said Samus cheerily, and together, she and Zelda left the room merrily, preparing to cut short some more lives.
The room was now empty.
Silence.
Theau Thor reappeared to dance on Link's corpse. "Suck, Link!" he cried.
Silence.
Theau Thor vanished again.

"You are the worst possible role model for Pichu!" shouted Pikachu, zapping Jigglypuff.
"Oh, yeah? Well… you're the worst possible… person… for… Pichu!" shouted Jigglypuff, slapping Pikachu.
They both growled and circled each other, viciously.
"Let's fight to the death!" yelled Pikachu, charging at Jigglypuff, preparing for the ultimate uber-great head-butt of DOOM.
"Or maybe we could talk about our differences," suggested Jigglypuff.
"Yeah," said Pikachu, screeching to a halt, "that works too."
"Uh… I'm sorry about hurting your feelings," said Jigglypuff.
"Me, too, I guess," said Pikachu.
"Can we stop fighting and be friends?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Why not?" agreed Pikachu.
"Yay," said Jigglypuff.
"Yay," said Pikachu.
Suddenly, Kirby ran into the room, looking out of breath, and covered with mysterious red stains. "Hi, Pika. Hi, Jigs. Can I hide in here?"
"What happened?" said Pikachu.
Kirby dived under a table. "Thanks, guys, you're the best friends ever!"
"I am not a guy," protested Jigglypuff sulkily.
Ness and Mewtwo blasted through the walls of the secret food store.
"Hi…?" said Pikachu and Jigglypuff together.
"Where's Kirby?" demanded Ness.
"We're not going to get anything by talking" said Mewtwo. "Let's use our mystical mind-reading powers."
"Yes," agreed Ness, "mystical."
Ness tried to pry into Jigglypuff's mind. "Strange… I can't feel anything… Mewtwo, I can't sense her thoughts!"
"Ha!" said Jigglypuff triumphantly. "That's because I can't think!"
Ness and Mewtwo exchanged confused glances.
"Ri-ight…" said Ness, "Mewtwo, read Pikachu's mind then."
Mewtwo was about to, but then, much to his consternation, Pikachu bit him in the leg.
"Ow, my leg," whined Mewtwo.
Silence.
Mewtwo contracted rabies and died.
Silence.
"I'll just go, then," said Ness.
Silence.
Ness left.
Silence.
"Yay!" said Kirby, emerging from his hiding place. "Thanks! You're both the best!"
Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Kirby shared an all-important group hug!
"YAY!" they all exclaimed.
Silence.
They suddenly died.

Peach was standing on her head.
"Ow," she said, "my head."
Silence.
Samus and Zelda ran in and overkilled her.
Silence.
Peach died.
Silence.
"Woo," said Zelda.
They left.

Bowser and Kirby searched frantically for Yoshi.
"I can't find him!" said Kirby.
"Wait," said Bowser, "didn't you just die?"
"Oh, yeah," said Kirby, remembering.
Silence.
He died.
"Well, I guess that's that, then," said Bowser.
"YOSHI!" screamed Yoshi from Marth's room.
"Hmm," said Bowser, "perhaps Yoshi is in there."
Bowser entered the room.

To go into detail about what was in Marth's room would involve a minimum of five hundred lewd words and I would break several international laws.

Suffice to say that Bowser died of shock, Yoshi died of word omitted here, Marth and Roy turned into magical unicorns and then exploded, and Kirby died for the third time.

"This is no longer making any sense!" cried Theau Thor frantically. "What happened? I had a successful story… but now it's gone… ruined!"
Random bits of bubble gum flew everywhere.
"I'm going to get flamed!" cried Theau Thor, sinking to the ground.

Mario was ice cubed to death, while four chapters decided to cease to exist.

The world was destroyed, recreated, and then used as a salad dressing.

Five men in white coats arrived to take Theau Thor away, but Theau Thor used what was left of his nonsensical powers to erase the previous sentence.

Time stood still. Pichu didn't. The universe became a cheesecake which Nana force fed to Popo, who choked and died. Samus and Zelda killed Nana by grabbing a sword and shooting her with it.

And suddenly, as randomly as it had began, it was all over.

The entire cast – I mean, everyone – was standing in the entrance hall to the giant mansion they had spent the past 24 hours trapped in.
Nobody spoke for a moment.
"What the heck just happened?" said DK.
Theau Thor appeared.
"Hi, everyone," he said, "this story sucks. The end."
This was met with a blank silence.
"So what happens now?" said Ness. "And what happened to us all dying?"
"Just trying to get a cheap laugh," sighed Theau Thor. "Meh."
"What is he on-a about?" whispered Luigi.
Silence.
"Don't we get… I don't know, closure?" suggested Ness, whose head was large enough to break the fourth wall.
"No," said Theau Thor.
"Well," said Captain Falcon, "I was the one who covered the leaves with oil so that they trapped us in here! So if you're going to blame someone for this mess, blame me, not-"
Everyone started attacking Falcon with blunt objects.
"Random violence is FUN!" said Fox, giggling.
"So," said Ness, turning to The Author – sorry, Theau Thor – "now that we know everything and this is all done, and Captain Falcon got what he deserved, can we leave?"
"No," said Theau Thor. "You are trapped here forever. Muah. Ha. Ha… too tired to laugh…"
Silence.
"So this story has no resolution?" asked Ness, horrified.
"Guess so," said Theau Thor. "Please read and review."
A gigantic Kirby clone landed on the mansion, killing them all.
"Not again," said Popo.

THE END
You seriously read this far? Shame on you. :-(