Ch 7- "Beauty on the Fire"

The Ball was almost ready to commence. Lily had met a speechless Roger in time to open the doors to the entrance hall for all the excited upper school students to rush through.

Shehad just taken her seat next to Roger when Professor Dumbledore rose from his seat to welcome everyone.

"Welcome, welcome everyone to another Winter Ball at Hogwarts. I hope you'll all join me in applauding the success of our Head boy and girl- Mr Potter and Miss Evans- on planning such a wonderful occasion. I especially like the snowflakes," he said, with a wink as one slid down his face, and then continued, "All that remains to be said is enjoy yourself. Now, will Mr Potter and Miss Evans please open the Ball with the first dance?"

Lily knew it was coming and yet she still couldn't control her nerves. Her heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute, her palms were sweaty and she was almost certain that if she attempted to speak she'd produce no sound.

"Knock 'em dead," Roger urged.

She walked towards James and he took her hand. "Let's do this," she said.

An orchestra were positioned in the left of the hall on a risen platform. They began to play a slow, melodic waltz which Lily and James had briefly practiced a week ago.

James cautiously placed his hand on the small of her back and grabbed her free hand in his. He then pulled her gently towards him until their hips were almost touching. In fact, Lily was sure that they would have been if it wasn't for her dress and the protective layer it provided.

Clearly James could feel her increasingly moist palms because he said, "Don't be so nervous. You're doing great. This waltzing stuff was designed for us. We're doing fine."

"It's not that," she argued.

James looked slightly puzzled. "Then what is it?" he inquired.

Lily looked up at him. He was still so much taller then she was, even with the two-inch heels she was wearing. His gaze was concentrated, expressing his concern for her and making it clear that he was adamant about getting an answer from her.

"It's just I…," she began. "I feel so vulnerable with everyone looking at us like this. I can't help but feel uncomfortable."

James smiled a genuine smile which conveyed so many emotions; the clearest being relief that she was only nervous because people were watching them. As long as it wasn't something he'd done.

"Why do you care? You look beautiful. Did I tell you already because, if I didn't, I meant to?" James asked.

"No," Lily replied briefly and somewhat distantly.

James paused as he looked at her softly. "Well… you do," he confirmed.

Lily gazed into his hazel eyes to see the tiniest flecks of gold as she replied, "Thank you."

The first chorus ended and four further couples entered the dance floor (especially created for the occasion, of course) to join in with the opening waltz.

"James?" Lily began.

He still hadn't taken his eyes off hers. "Yes?"

Lily was nervous but she new she had to let him know how deeply she felt for him. "I need to tell you something, but not here."

James leaned a little closer before saying in a whisper, "What is it Lils?"

She glanced around nervously before leaning into his gaze as their waltz began to slow. "I feel differently about something important and I…I just… I need you to…"

"Shh," James interrupted, "never mind. Just forget about it. Surely silence between us should be enough when words are clearly not."

It was as if some magnetic pull existed between the two and would not stop until they were touching in a more intimate way. His head began to drop as hers began to rise and their noses softly touched. Although surrounded by waltzing couples, it was as though they were the only people there in a world that was made for them and only them.

Just as their eyelids drifted shut and their mouths parted an inch from the destination they longed for, there was an eruption of applause. James and Lily quickly broke apart, rather embarrassed at what had almost happened.

The music for the second waltz had just started up as James saw Roger approaching from the other side of the hall. "I'm so sorry," he said to Lily quickly. "I better get back to Laura; my date."

"Of course, and I to Roger; my date," Lily retorted.

"Have a nice night Lils. You deserve to after all the effort you put into this."

"Ditto," she responded, remarkably calm compared to the way she felt inside.

With that they turned to face in the opposite directions- James going back to Laura and Lily back to Roger. What a night this was going to be. If Lily wasn't mistaken, what had happened wasn't all in her head. She had definitely felt something extraordinary in James' arms and she was sure that he'd felt something too. But then why had he apologised? How she would manage to offer Roger her full attention when all she really wanted to do was rush up to James and kiss him, she didn't know.

The banquet arrived on tables at around 10:00 p.m. So far, Lily had danced with Roger a good six times and the rest of the time she'd spent checking up on her friends and their dates, found out a bit about Roger's family (they seemed nice people) and thought about James continuously.

Having a break form discussing anything remotely personal with Roger was a blessing when the food did arrive. Most of it did fit into the 'ice' theme. There was ice cream, naturally, cake with ice cream layers instead of the usual cream, iced doughnuts, snowflake shaped crisps and jelly- with chocolate snow flakes inside. However, there was also the usual- butter beer, an assortment of vegetables, chicken legs, creamed potatoes and so on. The list really was endless. If students didn't like what was on offer they could even order something entirely different and the school's house elves would have it on their plates in a record of five minutes. How they managed it for every single dish, Lily couldn't imagine.

She decided to eat no-nonsense food but made sure it was food that would fill her up too. All the strenuous work she'd put in recently had left her famished. It was also important that she ate things that wouldn't completely ruin her dress if spilt. A simple stains spell wouldn't cause her any problems but she really didn't have the energy to be bothered doing one.

Whilst finishing her ice cream, she looked across the hall to see James eating and heartily laughing at something Laura had said. She looked around further to see Clara smiling- even she was happy, for once. 'Why can't I be?' Lily pondered. 'Roger is a great guy.'

"Once our meals are sufficiently digested, do you want to dance again Lily?" Roger asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"I'd love to," she replied, then added, "but would you mind if I just went to talk to Jess and Rachel quickly?"

"Of course not," he confirmed.

"Thanks. I'll be right back."

She walked around her table and walked towards Jess and Rachel who were sat together with their dates (who were surprisingly not Remus and Sirius- they'd not even shown up). Glancing quickly in James' direction as she crossed the room, she saw Laura whispering something in his earat whichhe was smiling. A smile that she used to think might only be for her. But maybe it was for her, as he was looking right at her as she crossed the room. Turning her attention back to her best friends, she continued to their table.

"Heya Lils," Jess said.

"Hi," Rachel seconded the greeting.

"Hi," Lily replied. "Can I have a quick word with you both, in the entrance hall?"

"Now?" Rach inquired.

"I know it's inconvenient but I really need your advice," Lily continued.

"Ok we'll be right out," Jess answered.

Lily had finally told Jess and Rachel about her failure to get James to be her date a couple of days after he'd declined her offer. They were sympathetic, of course, but didn't feel the disappointment like she did. For some reason they still believed that things would work out. Lily just felt like her world had ended. The dance with James certainly hadn't helped things.

"Hold up, hold up," Jess commanded Lily, "tell us again what happened. But in English this time."

"Whilst we were dancing," Lily repeated, "I started to get nervous around him and he noticed straight away. He wouldn't even believe me when I said that it was just because I didn't enjoy having the eyes of half the school boring into my skull."

"Yeah right, as if that would ever bother you. You could have thought of a more convincing lie," Jess laughed.

"Haha, very funny," Lily responded, her sarcasm, rather than her usuallight-hearted responses to Jess' jokes,making it clear to Jess that she was in no mood to jest.

"Continue," Rachel urged.

"Ok, but no more comments," she commanded.

"No more comments," Jess agreed.

"So then all the other couples came onto the dance floor but I barely even noticed them. I decided to tell him the truth about my being in love with him, but I couldn't find the words."

"Oh Lils," Rach said sympathetically.

She continued, "And he shushed me gently and pretty much implied that whatever it was it didn't matter. He didn't need to know. He said 'words were not enough'."

"What did he mean by that?" Jess asked.

"I really don't know," Lily said impatiently. "I thought he understood what I wanted to say but now I'm not so sure. We got really close until are noses were touching and then, just before we kissed, the music stopped, the applause kicked in and we broke apart."

"That's good though isn't it?" Rachel inquired. "I mean, now you know that he loves you too."

"But that's just the thing," Lily responded. "I don't know. In fact, I'm even more certain he doesn't. He must have been trying to comfort me and I got the wrong impression. After we broke apart he apologised for what almost happened. Apologised!"

"Well maybe that's because he felt nervous that you didn't like him in a romantic way and so was protecting himself from rejection," Rachel suggested.

"I don't think so," Lily said. "He seemed really uncomfortable." She paused.

Rachel took the opportunity to offer her opinion. "Look Lily, I love you and everything but you're being ridiculous. Ask yourself something. 'Do you love James?' If the answer is yes then, 'Are you willing to be nothing more than friends?' If the answer is no, then get your ass over to James and tell him the truth. The guy loved you for over six years. Those sorts of feelings don't just disappear."

"I can't. It would hurt too much if he rejected me," Lily cried.

"Isn't it hurting already? At least then you'd know," Jess stated.

Lily silently answered 'yes' and asked, "What about Roger? I can't just dump him again. He'll hate me."

"Look, you know what we think you should do. Roger may hate you if you dump him again, but you'll hate yourself if you don't," Rachel said.

"Just think about it Lil," Jess concluded. And so she did.

Lily had been dancing with Roger for the last 15 minutes. She was having fun and so was he, if the huge smile dominating his face was anything to go by. However, the fact that James and Laura appeared to be having an equally good time at the other end of the dance floor soon put a downer on her mood…again. The music was now being performed by a rock band and a number of fast, energetic songs had been played for the last half hour.

Lily noticed the way that James held Laura in his arms and began to flush at the memory of the feelings he'd stirred within her, when holding her like that.

"Lily? Lily!" Roger shouted over the music.

"Are you ok?" he asked once he'd finally got her attention.

Lily, slightly on edge, answered, "I'm perfect."

"Really, because I thought it was kind of weird that you seem to have an obsession with the far side of the hall."

Lily blushed a little. "No I don't," she declared, a bit defensively.

Roger stopped dancing and took her hand, leading her back to their seats. "It was James wasn't it?" he asked.

"What was James?" she inquired, trying to look more innocent than she was.

"Who you originally wanted to be you date," he elaborated.

Lily neither agreed nor disagreed. She didn't have to. The only response he received was a slight flicker in her eyes that explained more than any words ever could.

"I thought so. So, why did he decline? He must have been hit in the head with a stupid spell or something," Roger simply said.

Lily could see that there was no way she could hide it from him now. "I…I'm so sorry," she began. "Again, I am so, so sorry, I thought I could handle things and move on. I like you. You're a really nice guy. A great guy and I wish I could really like you so that we could have a shot at a relationship. I just can't and I feel terrible because of it."

"You know Lily," Roger interrupted, "I am a nice guy and although I'm disappointed, I'm going to act like one. I've had the best time tonight and I understand that there can never be another night like this one. But I want you to know, that I'll treasure this night my whole life. Thank you for sharing it with me."

Lily was surprised at his kind words and they only made her feel worse about her behaviour.

"No. Thank you for tonight and thank you for understanding. I really do wish things were different," she concluded.

"Me too, but there not," he responded, with the tiniest of smiles; a smile of resignation perhaps.

Lily looked over to where James and Laura were dancing and they'd just stopped. She looked at Roger who had followed her gaze.

"Go and get him then," he said. "He's a fool if he doesn't want you."

Lily smiled at him and quickly kissed him on the cheek. She then rushed over to where James had been to tell him, once and for all, that she loved him.

James and Laura were no where in sight when she reached the area she'd last seen them in. She decided to head into the main entrance to see if they'd gone outside for some reason. Just as she reached the archway leading out, Jess and Rachel jumped in front of her.

"Lily wait!" Jess shouted.

Rachel quickly recovered the situation after Jess' crazy outburst. "Um…we need to ask you about something over there," she said quickly, grabbing Lily's arm to steer her in the opposite direction.

"Can it wait? I've got to see James immediately," Lily complained.

"No it can't," Jess replied, grabbing Lily's other arm.

Lily wrenched her arms out of her friends' grips, reclaiming them as her own. "Do you know where he is?"

"No," they responded too quickly.

Lily looked at them suspiciously. "What do you know that I don't?"

Rachel stated, "He's in the castle grounds but..."

"I've got to see him right now. I've put it off long enough and he needs to know how I feel," Lily concluded.

"Don't go out there Lils, please!" Jess shouted.

"I have to," she replied.

"But...but he's on a date," Rachel reminded her.

"I don't care," Lily responded exhaustively.

She'd ignored her friends' advice which meant that she was bound to end up getting hurt. But she already hurt too much to bear. What did it matter if she told James she loved him and got rejected? She didn't believe it was possible to feel any worse.

She'd been walking outside the castle for five minutes and was approaching the rose gardens which were located next to the school's green houses. In the distance were two distinct figures. James Potter's broad physique and unruly hair were identifiable almost immediately and Laura's blue gown appeared to shimmer in the moonlight.

'Right Lily. I know you could get hurt and Laura could get hurt, but keeping these feelings bottled up isn't helping anyone; least of all yourself. Walk over there. Ask to speak to him privately and then tell him.'

She took possibly the deepest breath in her life and mentally forced her legs to start moving towards the pair.

At 200 metres away she saw Laura lift her hand to hold James' hand tightly. Then she appeared to say something and James turned to face her, giving his full attention. But Lily couldn't make out what she'd said. At 100 metres away her world ended. Laura had pushed herself onto her toes and gently pressed her lips against James'. She had kissed him, but worse than that, he had and was kissing her back. Lily wasn't sure whether she'd physically stopped breathing or whether it just felt like it. It was certainly harder to breathe.

A small sound escaped her lips unwillingly, verbalising her shock, as she remained frozen on the spot. James abruptly lifted his head and his eyes met hers.

"Lily?" he said as though uncertain she was really there.

She couldn't breathe and she couldn't move. But she had to do both to survive. Taking a huge breath and forcing her legs to respond to the desperate signals her brain was sending them, she turned and ran as fast as she could towards the castle.

James' calls of "Lily!" fell on deaf ears, simply getting lost in the gentle breeze.

All Lily could do was keep reminding herself to breathe. Her eyes were blurred by pools of tears and her cheeks felt damp to touch. She realised that she'd been crying. The only objective that occupied her mind was to reach her dorm room and lock herself in as soon as physically possible.

On reaching her room, Lily dropped to the floor, after closing the door, as her knees finally gave up on her. She'd never found it so difficult to breathe. It was as though her body was willing her to die and at that moment she wanted to give in, but she didn't. The loudest, most desperate, strangled cry finally erupted from her throat as though it had been longing to do so forever. The feeling of release that accompanied it helped her deal with the pain ever so slightly. The pain was inside of her and she was letting it out to remove the strengthening pressure. Giving into the darkness her world now contained, Lily realised that there was a feeling of pain worse than how she'd felt previously and this was it. How naïve she had been. That feeling of pain stemmed from a loss of hope.

All that she could hear through her muffled sobs was the fireworks exploding within the grounds into the night sky, signalling the end of the Ball.

AN: Wow. Remarkably this chapter was a lot easier to write than the last, hance the reason why it's up so soon. It's also a lot longer than i expected it to be so i hope i haven't gone on too much. The next chapter might not be up for a while so i hope this one keeps you going. Once again i'd just like to request a few reviews letting me know what you think- likes and dislikes etc. I'm going to have to start begging soon aren't i, lol. Anyway, i hope you enjoyed chapter 7 (which was meant to be part of chapter 6 but never mind :) ). Thanks for reading.

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