Disclaimer: All magical references,characters and themes evident in this story come from or are inspired by the mind of JK Rowling, one very talented author with a genious imagination.

Chapter 8 – 'Torn'

Lily didn't know how long she had been sitting alone in the Quidditch stands today. As usual her friends thought she was in the library doing extra studying but the truth was that she was sulking about losing James. And why shouldn't she? It was almost definitely her constant ignorance to James in the past that had led him to the belief that she didn't care for him and resulted in his decision to 'move on'. They were friends now, much better than being enemies, which Lily couldn't deny. But she wanted more. She wanted him so much that she almost thought it would be more accurate to describe the intense feeling she felt as need.

Jess and Rachel had noticed a difference in Lily over the week since the night of the ball and were fairly confident that they knew why she was so upset. However, they'd thought it best to let her deal with her grief alone. That was how Lily had conveniently found herself sat alone in the Quidditch stands whenever she needed to- fortunately with no unpleasant or awkward interruptions.

The weather was particularly wet as Lily looked out across the Hogwarts grounds, just existing along side it as time carried on. In fact, the rain was welcome to Lily as it helped to disguise her falling tears, whilst the wind drowned out her muffled sobs.

She thought about the work she was falling behind on. She thought about the lack of time she was spending with her friends. She was distancing herself from everyone. She thought about how much she missed her parents when she needed comforting, like she so desperately did now. She thought about her failure to complete specific head girl duties, such as evening rounds. She was missing them right now, deciding she'd much rather be sat outside watching the stars overhead behind heavy cloud patches. Most of all, she thought about James.

She missed his company but it was so much easier avoiding him than being around him. The painful memory of seeing James in the arms of another girl had lessened over the past week and Lily had resigned herself to feeling as numb as possible when she thought about the matter. It was just easier that way.

Things had been a little awkward between them since that night. Once James had found her at breakfast the next morning, Lily had explained to him that she was just looking for him because she was upset after receiving some bad news from home, but she'd stressed that everything was fine now. James seemed to have bought it, although to her it seemed blatantly obvious that she had been lying to him.

Whether he and Laura was a couple now Lily wasn't sure. If they were then Lily was surprised she didn't see them together more often. She had overheard him mention to Sirius how Laura was taking things too fast one night in the common room. His exact words had been, "I like her. She's a great girl but we barely know each other Padfoot. I mean, that kiss at the ball was totally unexpected. I didn't think she'd be so…well, forward," he'd concluded.

Sirius had just replied, "Use and lose my friend. It's the only way to go if you don't want commitment."

James had looked slightly offended. "We're not all like you Sirius," he retorted. "I want to be with a girl who really means something to me."

"And Laura doesn't?" Sirius asked.

"Not yet, no. But maybe she will soon."

After overhearing this Lily had initially felt oddly optimistic. 'Maybe James doesn't want to be with her'. Unfortunately this thought was followed by a second, 'He doesn't want to be with me either though.'

After coming to such a conclusion she had made every effort to avoid James when she could and it seemed to be working out so far.

Checking the time she realised how late it was and rushed back up to the head's dorm, scrambling quickly into bed before James realised she'd returned.

The net morning, James and Lily were waiting in McGonagall's office after an early breakfast, to receive their new assignment. Professor McGonagall entered and quickly apologised for being a little late. She explained, "Peeves locked a first year in the dungeons."

"It's not a problem Professor," James said, accepting her apology. Lily just smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

"Well, let's get started then," McGonagall continued. "Your next assignment is to arrange a fund raising event which should aim to raise student morale. As you are probably aware, you-know-who is gaining power rapidly and with the number of recorded murders recently Dumbledore feels that such an event is necessary."

"I agree," Lily said.

James backed her up, "Me too."

"Excellent," McGonagall concluded. "No in-depth planning is required until your return after Christmas break. However, I thought perhaps that you may wish to ponder over things whilst enjoying the holidays."

"We'll do that Professor," James stated.

"I'm sure after the success of the ball you'll have no problems arranging a suitable event."

'Success,' Lily scoffed silently, 'If you say so Professor'.

"Very well, you may go," she commanded them.

Lily and James left her office silently and set off for their first lesson of the day- Potions.

Lily had only made it through half of the day before she had to speak to James again.

"Hey Lily," he shouted.

She stopped in her tracks. 'Oh no, there is no escape,' Lily thought. "Hi James," she answered. "Did you want something?"

"Yeah, I thought you might want to get together to discuss our assignment from McGonagall," he suggested.

"Erm…I don't…know James," Lily replied awkwardly.

James continued regardless of her obvious discomfort. Having been ignored for a week he'd finally given up on politeness. "You know, we've hardly spent any time together this week and I miss that. Did I do something wrong?"

"No you didn't do anything wrong. I just feel like a break from…head's duties and that's all. We worked solidly to get the ball prepared and now I just need to relax before Christmas. Can you understand that?"

He answered her question with one of his own, and his eyebrows rose, "Is that why I've been doing rounds alone recently?"

"Sorry about that," she replied, blushing deeply, "I've just been really exhausted lately."

"Are you sure that's all?" he urged.

"Yes," she answered rather quickly.

"Ok then," James said. "But if I did do something wrong, something I haven't realised was wrong, then I'm sorry."

"James," Lily responded, starting to get annoyed. "You didn't do anything wrong!"

And with that she walked away.

James was sat in the Gryffindor common room with the Marauders. They'd been planning their latest prank but James' heart wasn't in it. The weather was still wet reflecting his mood. He had to tell the guys what had happened with Lily before her burst. And so he did.

"And she just acted like everything was fine," he concluded.

"So Evans is still ignoring you?" Sirius inquired.

"Yes and no," James stated simply, "she acts like she isn't when I confront her about it but I can't help feeling she's still avoiding me. Maybe I did do something wrong."

"What could you have done, mate? Sirius asked. "You've been treating her like royalty ever since you became friends."

"Then what is it?" James demanded. He didn't really expect his friends to know the answer but needed to release all of his pent up frustration.

However, Remus answered, "Maybe it had something to do with what happened at the ball, with you and Laura. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Lily was acting fine around you before then. Perhaps she didn't like what she saw."

"You mean when she caught Laura kissing me?" James asked.

"That's exactly what I mean," Remus confirmed.

"But I asked her why she'd been upset and come to find me. She said she'd had bad news from home but things were sorted now," James began. He was becoming more and more restless having vacated the comfy armchair he'd been lounging in and beginning to pace the room.

Remus continued, "Think about it James. She may have lied to you."

"No," James shouted, receiving a few startled looks from other Gryffindor students sat in the common room. "She wouldn't do that."

"If you ask me, it's no big loo," Peter added viscously.

"Well no one's asking you," James said bluntly, his volume rising.

"It's amazing the lengths people will go to protect their breaking heart," Remus expanded on his argument. "If she's grown to love you over the past few months, which I believe she has, seeing you kissing another girl can't have been easy for her."

James couldn't believe this. He shook his head in denial, looking at Sirius for support, but he remained unusually quiet. "Why would she…she never…for six years. I just…I can't believe that's the reason."

Remus looked almost pityingly at James who had never appeared more distressed or unsure of himself. Now he knew what it was like to have Lily in his life, to really have Lily in his life, he couldn't bare to lose her.

"You can't believe that someone, even Lily, would lie to protect themselves from further harm, if they truly believe that no good could come from being honest?"

"No," James answered. But if he was truthful himself he could understand perfectly. Hadn't he been lying ever since he became friends with Lily? He'd been telling the Marauders how comfortable he was with remaining friends with Lily and how his past feelings for her didn't exist anymore. That had been a lie. He loved her more, now that he knew her properly, than he ever had over his first six years at Hogwarts.

He could do nothing but inwardly agree with Remus. Someone could lie if it was in order to protect themselves and others. Maybe Lily was one of those people. But she didn't love him, she couldn't! 'No,' he thought, 'there's something else, some other reason that she's ignoring me.'

Lily was walking back to the Gryffindor common room to hang out with Jess and Rachel for a while. She'd just turned a corner to find Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy throwing unpleasant jinxes at Clara. Defenceless and howling in pain, Clara was fumbling in her pockets for her own wand, whilst Malfoy and his cronies howled with laughter.

"Stop it. Stop that!" Lily bellowed as she hurried over to help Clara to her feet.

"Stay out of this mudblood," Malfoy commanded her.

"Or what?" Lily retorted. "You can't treat people this way."

"Watch me," he said, firing another jinx at Clara which resulted in her nose bleeding heavily.

"Stop it!" Lily screamed, reaching for her own wand. One of Malfoy's cronies noticed what she was doing too soon and twisted her wand hand behind her back, her wand abandoned on the floor.

"Oh I'm sorry Miss Evans. I'm neglecting you." His voice was cold and harsh. "Don't worry, I've got plenty where those came from," he joked. Turning to Snape he said, "Severus, clean up."

"Yes, of course," Snape replied as he pointed his wand at Clara and shouted, "Obliviate."

Lucius Malfoy turned his attention back to Lily, the only witness remaining.

"It's a pity really," he began.

"A pity?" Lily interjected in a voice she hoped sounded calm.

"Yes. That such a pretty thing," his eyes glowed as they wandered leisurely over her body, "should be tainted by such filthy blood."

"You cold bas-"

"Don't raise your voice at me," Malfoy shouted. "You're beneath me you filthy little mudblood."

"James was right about you," Lily stated. "You really are an evil piece of –"

"Well where's Potter now when you need him. He clearly doesn't care much for you does he? And why should he as a pure blood wizard. Your kind is only really good for one thing."

Lily reacted almost instantaneously before she suffered a similar or worse fate to Clara, who was currently regaining her balance looking slightly bewildered. Lily kneed Malfoy in the groin, commanded Clara to run to Madam Pomfrey to get medical assistance, and then grabbed her wand, shooting reams of dizzying spells at Malfoy's gang members.

Then she ran as fast as she could to the common room.

Upon entering the common room Lily was immediately showered with demands from Jess and Rachel.

"Where have you been?"

"What took you so long?"

"I…I got," Lily started. It wasn't until then, when she attempted to speak, that she realised how shaken up she was. It wasn't that she was afraid of Malfoy. Not usually anyway. But the way in which he'd had her cornered with intentions that were hardly going to be honourable, no wand and no help, was more than most witches could face.

"…caught in a spot of trouble," she concluded.

"Are you ok? You look a little pale?" Rachel inquired.

Lily stared blankly for a second and then focused her gaze on Rachel's worried eyes. "I'm alright I guess," she answered.

"Come on, sit down," Jess commanded her.

The two girls directed Lily over to a comfortable arm chair next to where the Marauders were seated and had remained since James' outburst ten minutes earlier. James had calmed down considerably since then but seeing the look of horror on Lily's face he immediately became anxious again.

"Lily. Lily!"

He got no response. "Is she ok?" he asked.

"We don't know yet," Jess responded in an agitated way.

"Well, what happened?" James inquired further.

"We don't know yet!" Rachel replied.

James looked a little annoyed but accepted that the girls had no further information. "Ok, ok."

He turned to Lily and whispered her name gently. Kneeling in front of her as she stared into space, he lifted his hands to her face and rested them against her cheeks, turning her gaze to him.

"What is it? What happened to you?" he asked gently, softly stroking her cheek with his right thumb.

It took Lily a moment to realise what exactly had happened, where she was and whose hands were holding her face. As soon as she registered that those strong hands belonged to James Potter she withdrew herself quickly and said sharply, "Don't worry about me James. I've got it under control."

James looked startled by her words but backed off. Lily looked to Jess and Rach and said, "Look guys, I'm feeling much better now. I just got held up because Malfoy and his entourage were terrorising poor Clara again. When I intervened he got a little nasty," she explained.

"Did he hurt you?" James interrogated her.

"Calm down mate," Sirius quickly responded, dragging James further away from Lily.

"He tried," Lily mumbled.

James was furious. Observing James' reaction Remus said, "This is not good."

"That's it," James stated as he rose from his chair. "I'm going to teach Malfoy a lesson once and for all."

"No," Lily disagreed, rising from the chair to stand next to him. "I'll sort it out myself!"

The last thing she wanted was for James to get hurt. She was fairly confident that Lucius wouldn't really hurt her. He was all talk. The only reason Clara had been a victim was because she was an easy target whereas Lily wasn't. She was a talented witch, especially when it came to defensive spells. Surely Malfoy would be aware of her ability and be reluctant to start a fight with her. That wouldn't stop him when it came to James. James may be equally able as Lily but she was certain that Malfoy would take any excuse he could to try and hurt James.

"But I want to-"

"Look James. It's not your job to protect me," she began. "I can do that myself. I have Jess and Rach for backup and I'm sure the whole thing will blow over soon anyway."

"What if it doesn't?" James asked, forcing himself to sound polite.

"If it doesn't then I'll deal with it. It changes nothing. I'm not your responsibility. I'll handle it alone," Lily stressed.

"Lil, I'm going to help you whether you want me to or not. I'm your friend and friends help each other."

Lily looked moved for a split second and then hardened her features in am attempt to disguise her true feelings. "That's just it," she explained, "maybe we aren't anymore."

"Wh…what?" he spluttered.

Lily looked close to tears but she'd never let them fall. "We're not getting along anymore, you must notice it. There is no friendship and there never can be."

James stared blankly at her, the Marauders remained silent and the girls grabbed Lily's arms, quickly dragging her up to their dorm room.

"What was all that about?" Jess demanded once the three were shut in her dorm room alone.

"Yeah," Rachel added, "why are you attacking James?"

Because," Lily answered shortly.

"Lil," Rachel started carefully, "we realise how difficult it must have been for you to see James with another girl. We do."

Jess nodded her head whilst Lily stared blankly at the floot.

"I know James hasn't always behaved in the best way," Jess continued, "but he didn't deserve that."

At this Lily lifted her head sharply and really lost her temper. "Since when did you two care so much about James? You used to find him just as annoying as I did. What changed?" she spat.

"We realised how happy he made you when you were friends," Rachel answered truthfully.

Lily dropped to the floor, finally allowing her tears to fall freely. "Yeah, well things change," Lily stated in a whisper.

"They don't have to," Jess said crouching down to hold Lily's hand. "You can still be friends."

"No we can't. I can't do it," Lily replied exasperatedly.

"Lily, please," Rachel urged her.

"It…hurts…too much," Lily cried. "I don't know how he did it."

"What?" Jess asked.

"Handled this feeling of unrequited love, or whatever it is," she answered.

"We know," Rachel said reassuringly.

Lily paused from crying to inhale a deep, well-needed breath. She expressed what she wanted, "I just wish I didn't have to be around him so often."

"Well, I'm sorry Lils, but with head's duties that's pretty much impossible."

As Jess and Rachel stared at Lily to see her reaction to this piece of no doubt unwanted information they noticed a change. Her scrunched up features, which had been reflecting her inner pain, relaxed and her green eyes widened and shone through her tears.

"What is it now?" Jess urged her; sure that Lily had something important to say.

"I just made a decision that's all," Lily replied quietly.

"Well what was it?"

"So that's why I needed to see you so urgently Professor. I'm sorry if my problems will cause you any problems."

"Yes Miss Evans, thank you for your concern for my work load. Of course you need not worry about me," Dumbledore continued, "there is already a suitable candidate to take your place. All I ask for is your complete assurance that this is indeed what you want. Also, I'd advise you to let Mr Potter know before this is finalised. Come back and see me again at the weekend."

"Yes Professor, I will," Lily said. She paused and then continued, "This is what I want sir, or rather what I need. I'm sorry but I need to resign from my position as head girl."

AN: I'm not overly satisfied with this chapter but here it is anyway. I struggled towrite this one a little and think it shows. Hopefully you'll still find something to enjoy in it. Please read and review. There's only one more chapter planned for this third of the story. Thanks. VIP x

P.S. The title written at the start of the last chapter. I had second thoughts and changed it to 'Harder to Breathe'. I'm sorry if it caused any confusion.