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Chapter 5

Angel Investigations attempted to return to their routine over the past few weeks. The demon fighters moved back into the hotel to continue to fight the good fight as a team. Although Angel was happy to relinquish the leadership role to Wesley, he worked everyday to regain the trust of his friends.

Angel sat brooding in his room one night when Cordelia entered. "Jeez, Angel. I was knocking for like five minutes."

"Sorry, Cordy." Angel answered distractedly while continuing to look down.

She walked towards Angel and stood before him. "Do you remember what Wes said?"

Realizing she was still in his chambers he raised his eyes. "Huh? Wes said something?" He said as he looked around the room for the former Watcher.

"All right, oh broody one. What gives?" She said as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Nothing, Cordelia."

"Wesley told you that you need to engage your co-workers...talk about what's bugging you." She paused as she looked at his hands. "What's this?" She grabbed the paper from his hands and turned to walk towards the window.

"Cordelia, wait!" Angel shouted as he started after her.

In her hands, she held a tattered, old photograph of Angel and others; and underneath this was another one as well.

He yanked the pictures away from her and growled. "That's private." He returned to his seat. Cordelia grabbed a chair and sat down opposite the dark vampire.

"I'm sorry, Angel." Her eyes reflected her remorse. "You know that you can talk to me, right?" She smiled warmly. "I won't judge."

Angel sighed as he looked at the picture and handed it to his friend. "It's my family." He said quietly after Cordelia had a chance to peruse the first photo.

The picture was worn around the edges and yellow secondary to the age of the object. Darla sat in a large ornate chair with Angel standing to her right. To her left appeared to be Penn and sitting at Darla's feet were Drusilla and Spike.

"When was this taken?" The seer asked.

"1885. We were in Vienna." He said wistfully with a hint of sadness.

"And the other?" The second picture looked just as worn as the first. It showed Angel standing next Spike. There was a sly grin on Angel's face and a genuine smile on Spike's as his face was slightly turned up looking at the dark vampire.

"Spike looks so sweet. How scary." She said as she handed the pictures back to Angel.

Angel chuckled slightly. "That picture was in 1887 when we were in Hamburg." He leaned back and appeared to be reliving the past in his head.

Cordelia watched transfixed. This was a side that she had rarely seen from Angel. He was loathe to discuss his soulless past. She placed her hand on his knee. "I know you don't like to talk about your past or your feelings, but you can talk to me. That's what friends are for." She smiled brightly.

Angel hesitated. "I know. It's just..." He trailed off.

"Angel, please. Fresh start, remember?"

He bowed his head for a moment and then made a decision to change how he related to the people around him. "So much of what I did before the Soul was so evil. I feel guilty thinking back fondly on the times that didn't involve killing or torture. Although as Angelus, those parts were a highlight." He laughed bitterly.

"No, there were times that my family and I sat around the fire talking or laying in bed playing certain games." He grinned slyly.

"Ew..." Cordelia scrunched her nose, "You can skip over the kinky vamp sex stories okay?"

"No problem." He chuckled lightly. "We vampires are incredibly social creatures; we surround ourselves with family." His eyes became sorrowful. "That was one of the hardest parts about wandering the world for eighty years after I got my soul: the loneliness. The shame and guilt I felt for all my actions were intensified because of my isolation from the world...but, it is what I deserved." He spoke with conviction.

Angel appeared to be lost in his thought again. Cordelia after some time broke the silence. "Tell me about this picture. She pointed to the picture of Angelus and Spike.

Angel smiled. "Will and I were alone Hamburg for a month. It was wonderful. Penn had already left the family to strike out on his own, and Darla and Dru had gone to the Master's Court. I was happy that Darla did not make me go." Cordelia raised her eyebrow. "The Master and I never saw eye to eye on most matters. And Will?" He smiled. "He was happy that Darla was gone."

"Why?" She asked.

"Darla hated my Will. She was angry at me for siring him and furious for the attention I paid to him."

"Wait, I thought Drusilla sired Spike?"

"Stupid Watcher Journals; a lot of their information is erroneous."

Cordelia gazed upon the picture again. "He has a very loving look in the picture."

Angel smiled sadly. "Will, even after he became a vampire, was still a sentimental fool at heart. I think, in my own twisted Angelus way, that I cared for him as much as he cared for me. But, love and feelings were weak and inconsequential." He shook his head. "I tried to beat it out of him. Tried to make him hard. Like me." Cordelia noticed his eyes water and she understood.

"Hence, Spike?" Angel nodded.

"I killed this beautiful creature with the true face of an angel and created a blood thirsty killer. When it comes to my family, his death and my subsequent actions relating to Will haunt me the most. He personified innocence and I just had to have him." Angel continued nearly whispering. "But part of me doesn't regret it."

"Angel, I thought you hated him?"

The dark vampire stood and began pacing. "I do!" He said weakly. We're enemies now. I have vowed to help humans and good demons; I betrayed him by leaving and he hates me for it. But after I was cursed, how could I stay? I couldn't be who I was. I couldn't kill." He slowly returned to his chair and shook his head. "You know? Looking back, I bet if I had asked Will, he would have come with me." He buried his face in his hands. "But, Darla made sure that 'my filthy Soul' would not come near the family. I tried to find them after it had happened, but they were gone. When I found them in China two years later, he was so angry with me that he barely acknowledged me. And well..." He voiced trailed off as he looked up at Cordelia. She had a blank look on her face. Angel felt self-conscious for a moment. "I'm sorry. Did I share too much?"

"God, no, Angel." She shook her head and leaned in to reassure her friend and lighten the mood.. "Thank you for trusting me. I've read about vampire families. What you have told me isn't too shocking. It helps me understand you better... I don't want to imagine all the icky parts; but, if you get past the bleached hair and the way too tight jeans, I guess Spike is okay looking." She said with a slight smile on her face.

Angel stared at her for a moment and suddenly burst out laughing. The friends giggled together.

Angel stood. "Thanks, Cordy." He said as he walked over to his bureau and placed the pictures away in a drawer.

"No problemo! Now, let's go downstairs and go help the helpless!"

"Sure." Angel said with a smile.

TBC