Title: Coffee with the Lot
Author: JamSack, co-written with Jennyvre Moss
Rating: K+ just in case.
Setting: Season seven.
Summary: What happenes when Jack gets bored...in the commissary. A surprise visit stirs things up even more.
Other: Jelly- Australian and proper name for 'Jell-O'. This story came about after we went to Sizzler's and became bored around food! Enjoy!
Coffee with the Lot
It was on a sunny day (though you couldn't tell because they were underground) that sg-1 walked into the commissary after a recon mission involving a rather crazy lizard (but that's another story). They had showered, gone to the infirmary and debriefed, as they usually did, and then met up; rather hungry after their long chase through the bushes after this legendary lizard (again that's another story).
They sat in their customary seats, Sam and Teal'c sat next to each other, with Jack and Daniel across from them. As usual. Sam and Daniel were exclaiming about the new 'toys' they had found on the mission, and were both just dying to go back to their labs. Teal'c added the odd comment here and there, but mainly just cocked his head and raised his eyebrows every ten minutes or so. Jack was feeling quite left out and as such was bored. And a bored Jack can be very dangerous. Especially a bored Jack with food.
As the 'science twins' intensely discussed their latest mission, the next mission and every other boring thing under the sun, Jack played with his food, occasionally putting weird things into their food (like onion into jelly), which was fun, but it wasn't getting any reactions from them. So he moved on to another activity. Daniel's extra large cup of cold coffee (Daniel didn't finish his coffee! Was he taken over by a Goa'uld?) caught his eye…
Jack gave an evil chuckle to himself, and promptly began to add various food products to the coffee instead of to their meals.
He started with Carter's blue jelly, giving the concoction a stir before he proceeded to put in some apple pie and chocolate cake. Teal'c observed quietly with his eyebrows slightly raised, deciding that he would see where O'Neill was heading with this strange behaviour. He had never seen a member of the Tau'ri attempt something like this before, but then again, he didn't get out much.
Jack began to run out of his variety of food and got up to get some more from the cafeteria lady. After several of these trips, Daniel and Sam finally noticed his odd behaviour.
"Um…Jack?"
"What Daniel?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well you two were blabbering on about your doohickeys and your rocks and I got bored."
"Jack they're not rocks" Daniel said with an exasperated sigh, and then eyed his coffee cup. "What the hell did you do to my coffee!"
Jack shrugged "It was cold, and it wasn't like you were drinking it anyway!"
Sam found it hard not to roll her eyes, because of course that would be sign of insubordination, and we couldn't have that.
"Sir, what exactly did you put in that?"
"Umm…some cake, pie, jellybeans, the lemon chicken, bread, some of Teal'c's cheeseburger…uh…your jelly."
A murderous look suddenly crossed Sam's face. "My what!" she said with a quick "Sir" afterwards.
"Just the last bit of blue jelly there is. There's still a lot of red left if you wanted some more." He said with a mischievous smirk.
It was then that Teal'c actually showed some expression of disbelief on his face as Jack O'Neill made that audacious remark.
To avoid what would ultimately turn into a big argument Daniel picked up some bits of doughnut and added it to the poisonous looking brew, which in turn caused Sam to do the same, but with some of Jack's red jelly. She figured this was adequate revenge but she was much more occupied with joining her beloved O'Neill in this joyous task.
They continued adding more food to it including ice-cream, chips, rainbow sprinkles, lime goo that the commissary were trying to pass of as yoghurt, and macaroni and cheese (which Daniel still claimed tasted like chicken).
Soon enough they had put a sample of every food and drink in the commissary. Not knowing what to do next, they all just stared at the concoction in the middle of the table. After several minutes, Jack finally broke the silence.
"I dare you to drink it, Carter." He blurted out.
Sam's eyes widened and a disgusted look crossed her face. "With all due respect sir, not a chance in…Netu."
"Aww come on Carter. It can't be that bad. It does have jelly and cake in it after all." He teased.
"Well, if you don't think its going to be that bad, why don't you drink it…sir" Sam retorted.
A brief look of panic crossed Jack's face. "Um…I would…but…uh…I started it, so I should be able to say who drinks it."
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Jack, that is so immature and just… not logical."
Jack shot Daniel a glare "Shut up Spacemonkey. Maybe you should drink it then. That would be logical."
Now while this was going on, all the personnel in the commissary had noticed the base's flagship team's odd behaviour. And knowing SG1 they all knew that this would soon become extremely entertaining (like most situations the team managed to get themselves into), so they all stopped and watched. Consequently making SG-7 late for their debriefing; lucky for them, this had been unknowingly rescheduled.
"C'mon, Major. I'm sure it's not that bad." Jack said, not convincingly at all.
"Drink, drink, drink…" This soon became a chant that everyone in the commissary quickly picked up, including Daniel and surprisingly Teal'c.
Sam looked around the commissary, panicking. There had to be some way to get out of this, without looking like a complete wimp. The chanting escalated in volume as more and more people poured into the commissary. Sam buried her head in her arms trying to block it out. But it was no use "Drink, drink, drink…" echoed around the room.
Now unbeknownst to the SGC personnel, the recently appointed President Hayes had decided to make a surprise visit on the base and was actually descending in they elevator as they spoke…well, chanted. General Hammond had been notified of this visit before the POTUS left Washington, but had not told the personnel, as requested by the Hayes. He now stood waiting outside the elevator doors. Finally, they opened to reveal the President with several of his guards.
"George, great to see you again." The POTUS enthusiastically greeted him with a hand shake.
"You too, Mr President."
The two (followed closely by several of these intimidating guards…of course not as intimidating as Teal'c) slowly walked down to his office, exchanging pleasantries like 'How are the grandkids?' and 'Having fun running the most powerful country in the world?' However, on their journey to Hammond's office, they had to pass through control room, which was surprisingly empty bar one personnel, Sergeant Mackenzie (the guy that asked Walter if he ever had the urge to dial random planets…as if he would…Walter rules!)
Now General Hammond who was not used to seeing the control room so empty was curious as to where everyone was (he was sure the annual water fight wasn't till next week).
"Sergeant, where the hell is everyone?" Hammond asked, slightly embarrassed to admit he had misplaced his personnel, especially when the President was visiting.
Sergeant Mackenzie turned around, his eyes widening at the sight of the President. "Umm…I….the…ah…commissary sir. I think. Something to do with…SG1, sir." (news travels fast on the grapevine at the SGC)
Of course it's something to do with SG1. Hammond thought amused. It always is. He was broken out of his thoughts by the President slapping him on the back. "I guess we should go to the commissary then George. I have to admit I am quite hungry. Plane food is really bad. And that last chocolate bar has made me really thirsty."
"Of course Mr. President." Hammond replied grinning.
Back in the commissary, the chanting not only continued, but grew louder. So loud, that no one noticed the arrival of their CO and the President, who slowly made their way over to the table who no doubt started this; SG1's table. Jack, looking extremely smug, suddenly saw the two new arrivals in the room and quickly stood and saluted the President (while thinking if he had missed another memo…but, nah…Daniel and Carter would have told him…wouldn't they?). This caused the whole commissary to suddenly go very quiet. This confused Sam (whose head was still buried in her arms) to no end. Slowly lifting her head up, she saw everyone standing at attention and looking behind her and followed their gaze. Her eyes widened and she repeated Jack's earlier action, almost tripping over her chair in the process.
"Mr. President, sir." She managed to say, still saluting.
"At ease Major." He looked around the room. "And the rest of you too." Everyone in the commissary relaxed…about three hairs (there were still unsure as to why the POTUS was there and were wondering if they'd be scrubbing the base's toilets for the next month).
"Colonel O'Neill, can you explain why the whole base is in the commissary surrounded around your team's table." General Hammond very calmly asked.
A panicked look crossed Jack's face as he tried to find a way out of this. "Well sir...Mr. President we um…can I get you a drink Mr. President, Sir?" He prayed this would buy him at least some time to come up with a reliable story.
"Don't mind if I do, thank you Colonel." And with that he reached across their table and grabbed Daniel's original coffee cup which he thought was meant for him.
Everyone in the commissary (with the exception of Hammond and the President's ever present guards, who had no idea what was going on) gasped simultaneously and suddenly started shouting 'No' at the President. But it was too late. With one giant scull, (remember he was a very thirsty man) the President drank the entire contents (of which no one could quite remember anymore) of the cup. Once again the entire room fell silent.
The taste must have suddenly hit the POTUS, because he spat the majority of it out…in to Teal'c face. Everyone looked on horrified and yet slightly amused.
"What the hell was that?" The President asked. Teal'c calmly answered in a brief yet detailed story, down to the very last piece of buttered raisin toast that was put in the cup. (Sheesh he has a good memory)!
Everyone waited for the President to explode. Ranting about the disgusting things in the drink and how tax-payers are laying out huge amounts of money for these top secret base personnel to be wasting time with useless things etc. He didn't. Instead he burst out laughing. After several moments, he finally regained his composure and clapped Jack on the back, pouring out his own story of making 'drinks' with his mates in college. Jack and the President joyfully left the commissary exchanging anecdotes (the POTUS' guards still following them) as the rest of the SGC looked on in shock.
General Hammond cleared his throat after watching Jack and The President chat so comfortably and barked out orders. "Get this mess cleaned up and everyone go back to your work. And never let me catch you all down here again!"
The whole room simultaneously saluted and shouted "Yes, sir!" and then ran off back to their usual stations. Walking back to his office, Hammond chuckled to himself wondering what grief SG1 would cause him next week. Maybe they would decide to bring that giant lizard back for study. Good God, what havoc that would cause!
A/N.Don't try this at home...or at Sizzler's:D Please review