Disclaimer: All the lyrics (in italics) are not mine. The characters are not mine either, they belong to Josh Schwartz and all the other smarties who created them.
Say It If It's Worth Saving Me
All I need is you, come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you, hurry I'm falling
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Thoughts and images whirred through her mind: Sandy staring at her, letting a moment pass until shamefully shaking his head and turning on her, walking in the other direction. Her father, screaming back at her how she had failed; as a mother, a daughter and a wife. Her mother, faintly appearing behind her husband, softly smiling at Kirsten before making a passing comments as she had so often done under the influence of alcohol. Seth and Ryan appeared for a moment too, until Sandy shepherded them away from her.
The endless visuals played as a broken record.
Over.
Over.
And over again.
Kirsten woke up with a start and as she regained her senses noticing the cold, clammy feel of sweat covering her body she steadied her breath before glancing over to the clock on the beside table.
3:24am it read – 14 hours and 6 minutes until she was able to contact Sandy again, until she was able to start working herself out of the mess she had created as her life began to tangle itself into this ball of tangled, unravelling threads.
On her arrival and newcomers' meeting at Suriak she glanced over some brochures noticing the quotes that stood out to her.
'Alcoholism is a disease…Many alcoholics find it difficult to manage their lives, leading to legal problems and relationship problems that can result in the destructive break-up of marriages and families. Unfortunately, such problems often lead to more drinking and even more problems – driving drunk, for example, and the chance of accidentally killing someone.'
Her alcoholism was text-book, as in seriously text-book. It dawned on her as she flicked through stopping at this particular paragraph; her relationship with Sandy, her dad and even her sons had seriously deteriorated because of her problem, and yes, her marriage nearly broke-up. 'Still might' she sombrely thought to herself, mentally kicking herself for even considering that. And because of these problems she drank more to numb the pain, try and make her forget for a time that these weren't going on in her life and that everything was as she had wanted it to be. And yes, just like the pamphlet it lead to more problems, namely driving drunk but instead of the chance of accidentally killing someone she nearly killed herself.
As the guilt had slowly built upon her on throughout the trip to Suriak she felt the full force as she finally recognised the consequences of her actions. Not only had she severed the ties with her family, her husband, her father but she had put herself and others at risk. She had drunken herself into such a stupor she was unable to realise what was happening around her, how her world was turning upside down and virtually shattering.
Tangled in the sheets she had bound herself in as she battled the demons that plagued her head during the night once darkness had set in and she had drifted off into a slumber she gazed over at one of the few photos Sandy had packed in her bag for her, picking it up and holding it delicately; it was after all her last reminder of Sandy until she could see him again. Through the glass she could undoubtedly see the passion in his eyes as he held her so competently above him. She cocked her head to the side as she slid her focus to herself; laughing joyously, eyes fully in contact with those of her counterpart in contrast to the avoidance games they had been engaging in lately.
Her eyes ran over the fine detail; the closeness of the two of them as her legs were wrapped around his torso, his hands placed firmly upon her back and her arms enveloped ever so tightly around his neck. This was the intimacy she craved for now. In the solitude of her room she longed for familiarity to fill the loneliness that had set in once he had left.
While she thought that she was alone in Newport ever since the summer without the boys had set in, she realised how much worse it could get. The nightmares of Sandy staring at her then walking away to the ones involving her father and even sometimes her mother, muttering disapproving comments regarding her behaviour and attitude towards alcohol would disrupt her sleep only for her to awaken with a blatantly empty side of the bed offering no comfort, not the comfort she required.
For the short time before her father passed away it would have been a conceivable idea for Sandy and Kirsten to sleep in separate beds, but now that the idea was being enforced it seemed like much more of a challenge. When Kirsten was awoken by her nightmares she instantly felt across her waist for the arm that so habitually draped across her, willing and waiting for it to mop away the beads of sweat that had formed during those harsh few hours of sleep. In their own bed Sandy would lie there, staring at the obviously empty spot in front of him no longer occupied by the woman who would cling to him during the night no matter how horrible or estranged their day had been. It was things like this that proved to Kirsten how much they fit together, or at least how much they used to.
They couldn't deny that things had changed now, for better or for worse she didn't know, but things had definitely changed. While she longed for Sandy to visit, a part of her was equally worried for how things would be between them. Would he be resentful towards her, ashamed of having an alcoholic as a wife? Or would he be over the top and flustered as he got when awkwardness set in anywhere.
She passed through the day, clock watching and counting down until she was finally allowed to call and talk to Sandy, the first time since he had dispatched her in this facility. As she looked at the clocks surrounding her time after time the hours, minutes and seconds slowed down prolonging her impending call she was going to make to Sandy. But sure enough the time arrived when the painful non-communicating 72 hours had passed and she was free to call him.
'Hello?' Sandy picked up the phone, a hint of added stress thrown in with his answer.
Kirsten paused before replying, 'Hi', just as she had done when he had called her from the motel during the rainstorm.
He noticed the hesitation in her voice, the slight caution that hindered her from expressing how she really felt. 'Kirsten?'
A pregnant pause of awkward silence set in as Sandy waited for her to reply, this was her call and she deserved to start the conversation off in the way she wanted.
'Sandy' Her voice started in desperation, willing herself not to cry at the sound of his gravely voice. 'Sandy… I'm so sorry about everything.' Her voice broke off just before the sobs became evident over the phone line.
'Oh honey' He sighed. 'You already said you're sorry and I accept it, although it's not all your fault.' He paused a moment to think before carrying on. 'I'm sorry too. But you can't blame yourself for this. If you keep thinking that this is all sitting on your shoulders you're going to get nowhere.'
How the
hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the
signs that we missed
And try turn the tables
She silently nodded, forgetting that he was unable to see her before taking a deep breath before questioning him. 'But how did we get like this? Why weren't we able to realise that we were heading this way?'
'I don't know… I wish it never got that far.'
I wish
you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's
been too much of this
But don't think it's too late
He wished that he could see her; he wished that he was able to take her into his arms and quietly console her sobbing frame. He wished that she would stop refusing to let him comfort her and just let him; just like she used to, before all of this happened.
'So do I.' she whispered back, unsure whether or not he heard her.
He heard her sobs intensify as the silence between them lengthened. 'Baby, it's not too late.'
Her breath caught in her chest at this term of endearment. It had been so long since she had heard them, since she had heard them with meaning. It sounded so foreign on his tongue yet so familiar; and it was this familiarity that flipped a switch in her mind and suddenly she felt that same old tingling sensation in her stomach at the thought of Sandy.
Nothing's
wrong, just as long as
You know that someday we will
Someday,
somehow
We're gonna make it all right but not right now
I
know you're wondering when
'We'll work all this out. Someday we'll work this all out and everything will be fine.' He continued.
'When?'
'I can't decide that, it's up to you. We'll make it all right, but just not now; not over the phone.'
'Well you could come down here tomorrow. If you want to that is.'
'Of course I do, but I'm not sure that I can make it. Wait one moment, I'll just check something.
Uh well I have something in the morning but I can come in the afternoon. Is that okay with you?'
'Yeah it's great.'
Well
I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up
saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up
staying
She took a sharp inwards breath before continuing. 'Oh Sandy… I love you. I'm sorry I haven't said it enough lately, or at all.'
Once again the familiarity of something that used to be such a common phrase seemed almost unnatural when she said it. She knew that she felt that way and she knew that that's what she needed to say yet why did it feel so strange to her?
Now the
story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's
rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
'I love you too, and don't be sorry. We can't change what happened but we can change what will. We'll make it all right tomorrow afternoon.'
'I know but I just wish everything that happened this year didn't; everything would be so much easier.'
Nothing's
wrong, just as long as
You know that someday we will
Someday,
somehow
We're gonna make it all right but not right now
I
know you're wondering when
'But we can't do anything about it so why bother dwelling on it. I promise that we'll make everything better, we can get through this.'
'Just promise me and I'll believe you.'
'I promise. I love you Kirsten, and there's nothing stopping that; you have to believe me on that too.'
'I do, I love you too.'
The slight awkwardness still hung between them; intangible but still evident. As much as they wish it hadn't, the events of the past year had taken a toll on them and their marriage and now the silence that used to convey and communicate their feelings was empty and full of regrets and mistakes.
'I'm going to have to go, the boys say hi and that they love you. They're already missing you.'
'I'm missing them too… and you.'
'Well I'll see you tomorrow, around 2 probably.'
'Okay, I'll be waiting. Bye.'
'Bye.'
Truth be told, Sandy felt a tad guilty at the end of the phone call. Since he had got the call from Seth about Marissa, Ryan and Trey he hadn't really had time to think about Kirsten apart from at night when the inevitable loneliness set in. But asides from that his mind had been solely focused on getting the two teenagers out of trouble that no one their age deserved to be burdened with.
Kirsten spent the morning attending one of the compulsory group therapy sessions but still felt that she was unable to contribute for the time being. Sat in the corner, she observed the patients who calmly told the others how they came to be here and why they were in such a position. She knew that until she had made things right with Sandy that she would be unable to take another step forward in verbally admitting her problem. While she was able to say it to herself inside her head she found it too hard to tell a group of strangers why she felt the need to drink her self into a stupor so that she could forget about her life for awhile.
Following the therapy she returned to her room where she silently sat on her bed, letting the voices inside her head take over signifying her nervous attitude towards the impending afternoon with Sandy. She wondered whether he would forgive her, whether he would be mad even whether he would want to be near her again, touch her again.
Her train of thoughts were interrupted as the faint knocking on the door indicating the fact that Sandy had arrived. He turned the knob as Kirsten lay on her bed, suddenly paralysed with uneasiness and unable to move or speak. She continued lying there; eyes transfixed on the movements of the door and then on Sandy as he himself stood there, suddenly frozen to the ground as he surveyed his wife noticing the sullen, withdrawn face and lifeless eyes wishing that somehow, in some way he would be able to repair her.
Their eyes
met; both blue, both heartbroken and both covering something deeper;
something below the surface.
Today's going to be the day that they're going to give it back to you.
This was her second chance. This was the opportunity she had to redeem herself and her relationship.
By now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do.
She knew what she had to do, what was required to make this work.
She knew what she had to do, what was needed to save herself.
She knew what she had to do, what was important to help them move forwards.
Sitting there in solitude.
Waiting.
Watching.
Remembering.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
If she had learnt anything from the last 72 hours she spent in isolation pondering over her life and why it was such a mess, the one thing she knew for certain was that she loved Sandy. But whether or not the events of the past year had impacted Sandy in ways that were irreversible, she didn't know.
Back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out.
As she had backtracked through the last year, replaying all the events that had caused her to end up here she realised that she had doubted her feelings for Sandy. After the Rebecca debacle she had been forced to question Sandy's feelings for her and in turn she couldn't avoid questioning her own. And the worst part of it was that other people had noticed this too. From the ever perceptive Julie Cooper-Nichol who instantly caught on to her feelings for Carter, to the boys who had subtly slipped in comments about their lack of innuendo leading to not so subtle comments about the obvious tension between the two, right to Sandy who had ended up questioning her about her relationship with Carter, even accusing her of having an affair with him; something she hadn't even resorted to with Sandy and Rebecca.
And I'm sure you've heard it all before but you've never really had a doubt.
But all through this Sandy still knew that she loved him. While it had seemed that all forms of subconscious communication had been severed, there was still that bond between them, one of which that was kept alive by their undying love for one another. And it was with this feeling that he knew that even though she had spent more time with Carter, even though she had forced him to question their relationship he knew that through all of this right until the end that she loved him.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
And it was with this knowledge that he felt he was able to send her off to rehab. He knew that she would eventually forgive him and realise why, whether it took days or months he wouldn't know, he just knew that someday it would come; and when it did, he would be able to live with himself again.
He walked over to her as she pulled her self up and off the bed before allowing her to fall into his arms in an embrace. She desperately clung onto his suit jacket; inhaling the scent it carried as her body began to tremble gently. His arms ran up and down her frail frame, enveloping her with the remaining strength he could muster.
Words had not passed between them yet but underneath it all they could hear the silent pleading. But now was time for them, now they needed to be said aloud.
'I'm so sorry for everything' she quietly whispered in between sobs 'I'm so sorry things ended up this way.'
'Shh, don't be sorry' he replied soothingly while he patted down her hair 'we're both accountable for this, you shouldn't blame yourself for everything.'
Her sobs gently subsided yet she still held on tightly to him. 'But how did it get this bad?'
'Baby, it's okay now. We'll work everything through and make it better, we always do.'
She slightly nodded, her breathing raspy and sharp edging Sandy on to continue.
And all the roads we have to walk are winding.
'There's never a straight path down life, there are always going to be obstacles we have to make it over, this was just a large one for us.
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding.
There's always going to be people or events that are going to put us off track but we just have to deal with it. We can't control or stop the inevitable; we just have to be ready to pick up the pieces afterwards.'
There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.
She nodded again and looked upwards into his eyes, meeting his gaze. Words jumbled around, the letters forming misguided words; words that didn't convey the raw emotion, the true meaning behind. The right phrases unable to form, unable to fully express the magnitude of the feelings.
I said maybe you're going to be the one that saves me.
She broke the silence between them, filling the emptiness that had begun to settle. 'I love you, and… and I'm sorry.' She paused before continuing. 'I don't know how else to put it, but I guess that's just how I feel.
And after all you're my wonderwall.
But what I also know Sandy is that I need you. I need you here to save me from myself, to save me from others.
Today was going to be the day but they'll never bring it back to you.
I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could take everything back.
By now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do.
But I know that I can't and so I want to make it right.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you know.
Just know that I love you. I love you so much, and nothing's going to change that.
And all the roads we have to walk are winding.
We might have our fair share of problems, but it's nothing that we can't handle.
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding.
We might get misguided at times, but it's nothing that we can't change.'
There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.
'Oh Kirsten, I love you.'
I said maybe you're going to be the one that saves me; you're going to be the one that saves me.
And with that, he gently leant down as he cupped her face softly with his hands and kissed her ever so lightly on the lips. She savoured the closeness, the intimacy before responding and deepening the kiss avidly as her arms slid up with ease around his neck; her fingers tenderly tugging and weaving through his hair.
They stood there rekindling their passion, revelling in the familiarity of each other and finally confirming their love for one another.
And after all you're my wonderwall, you're my wonderwall, you're my wonderwall, you're my wonderwall.
The song lyrics (in order) are Savin' Me by Nickleback, Someday by Nickleback and Wonderwall by Oasis.
And if you've got this far, please review!