Hey, welcome back. I'm about to present you with a new series of fanfics just for plain old fun. These will be Ranma ½ parodies of classic movies and TV shows. I watched a number of them enough to get the idea, and I just felt I had to write this down. The idea partially came from an old CCS parody fic series by wchan39 (that fic has been deleted due to its script format. Bureaucratic sons of bitches…). Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you enjoy the Golden Classics of Ranma ½.
Soapfics™ presents
A fanfic series by Soapfiction
Golden Classics
(An unintelligible sign starts spinning onto the black screen)
Through eleven years…38 volumes of manga…125 anime TV episodes…three films and eleven OAVs…and a whole fan base all around the world…they changed the face of manga and anime forever. And the best part is…
(Sign stops spinning, revealing the Ranma ½ logo)
…they're back!
(A huge crowd of fans pack a convention center at an Anime Con™. They are cheering for the main attraction to appear. Back stage, the cast of Ranma ½ are in the dressing room, fixing themselves up. Everyone's there- Ranma-kun, Akane, Ryoga, Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyo, Happosai, Genma-panda, Kasumi, Nabiki, and every other major character, all dressed in their normal attire. A staff member in a headset knocks on their door.)
"Hey! Ranma ½! You guys are up!"
(At this, the door opens, and they head into the halls, chatting with each other.)
"All right! I've been waiting for this!"
"Everyone ready?"
"Of course we are!"
(The crowd is still cheering outside)
They are on the verge of the greatest comeback of all time…
(They are still walking through the hall, Ranma and Ryoga leading the way.)
"Yeah! Let's go!"
"You hear that? They're cheering for us!"
This is their moment…
(The gang has come to a dead end in the backstage hall)
"Hey, where are we?"
"How should I know?"
"You've been leading us, you directionless dolt!" (Spatula smash)
Their time has come…
(Ranma and the others are talking to a maintenance member)
"See, you go right down this hall, through the door there, and take a left…"
Any minute now…
(After another journey through the hall, the gang finds themselves back at the staff member.)
"Where are we?"
"I think we're lost…"
"No duh!"
Any second at all…
"Down this way, there's a jog, about thirty feet. You just jog down there, see…
"Hey, we don't have time to know where to jog!"
Get ready…
(Ryoga bursts out of a random floor, followed by the rest of the NWC.)
"Where are we now?"
"We're at the Staples Center™, you moron!"
(Sure enough, the camera pulls back to reveal a basketball court, with the Lakers staring at the gang as their practice is delayed.)
Get set…
(Back at the AnimeCon, a guy dressed as Shesshomaru takes the mic at the stage before the crowd.)
"And now, the ones you've all been waiting for…the Nerima Wrecking Crew…it's the cast of Ranma ½!"
For the greatest comeback in anime history!
(After a long time, the gang finally makes their way onto the stage. The crowd, full of NWC cosplayers, goes absolutely wild. The gang takes a much-deserved bow.)
This is Ranma ½!
(Another anime cosplayer stands outside the building, talking to the camera.)
"Anime's deep, man. It's just…the best!"
Catch the true story, soon!
In this world, there's no bond stronger than that between a father and son…
(Ranma is hammering boards into the wall of a spacey room. He sets the tools down, and takes a breather.)
And, even better, is a father-son business…
(Genma is painting the calligraphy for the sign for the dojo he and Ranma are opening. He finishes, and looks at his work.)
"Excellent! And so opens the Saotome and Son Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts!"
With these two, you never what'll happen at your first karate lesson…
(Genma sits crossed-legged across from a young boy in a gi.)
"Now, my dear boy, if you're going to be a great martial artist, the most important thing to know is-"
(A cinder block suddenly collides with his head, and sends him flat to the ground, slightly scaring the young boy. Ranma comes barging into the dojo.)
"Dammit, oyaji! That was all the food our budget would cover for a week! Do you always have to be such a glutton?"
(Genma counters with a dresser. The two begin to fight as the boy watches.)
"Is food all you think about, boy? Your father has to be in top condition to train our pupils!"
"Yeah, right! Like you could ever teach them anything useful! They always end up as idiots!"
"You mean idiots like you?"
"Shut up!"
(Ranma attacks with a kick, but is deflected into the koi pond- yes, they have one as well. Ranma-chan the splashes her father as he stands laughing. The two resume fighting as the kid perks up.)
"Cool! My sensei's a panda!"
(His mother, however, doesn't share the sentiment, and drags the boy away as the other family keeps fighting.
Truly, they are a close family…
(Genma has stolen the last piece of shashimi as Ranma looks on, crushing his chopsticks.)
"You're a dirty old man, you know that?"
"And I'm going to be one until I'm a dead old man."
"You got that right!"
(The two break into another fight)
And there's no problem they can't solve…
(Genma sits at the kotatsu table while Ranma checks the fridge)
"We could have rice and roasted pork now and a little watermelon later. Or a little watermelon now and rice and pork later. Or if you like the rice and pork, you can have them and I'll take the watermelon, or I can take the rice and pork, and you the watermelon. So, what'll it be? Watermelon or rice and pork?"
"We're out of food."
"In that case, we can go to the dumpsters behind the noodle house, and have rotten rice and pork-"
"Would you stop that?"
Saotome and Son: the Ideal Father-and-Son Team
"You're dumb, son. Just plain dumb."
"Look who's talking!"
It's Christmas Eve in Tokyo…
(Ranma walks through the bus station, where dozens of couples are meeting happily. Sadly, no one is there to meet him. He sulks, and moves on.)
"Feh. Show-offs."
There's a party at the biggest company in town…
(In an office building, Akane is sorting through some papers. Another woman peeks in at her door.)
"Hey, Akane- is your friend coming tonight?"
"Heh…well…"
And Tokyo cop Ranma Saotome has come to reunite with his girlfriend.
(Ranma steps out of a limo, and looks up at the forty-story high rise. In the next shot, he steps off the elevator and into the lively Christmas party. He then meets with Akane, and the two are a bit embarrassed by each other.)
"Hi…"
"Hi…"
(When they are alone, the two meet in a slight embrace, before recoiling. They've got their reasons.)
Instead…
(At the party, an elevator opens to reveal several North Korean men dressed in black, and carrying automatic weapons. They all run into the crowd, firing their submachine guns into the air to scare the crowd. Akane is among them.)
He's going to be forced to save everyone…
(Ranma watches from his hiding place as a short man in a business suit starts talking to the crowd of hostages.)
"This corporation, as well as the whole country of Japan will get a lesson in imperialism and abuse of power. You are all witnesses!"
A group of international terrorists have taken over the party…
(Several shots of terrorists leading people through the building, as well as searching rooms and planting bombs. All the time, Ranma is hiding nearby, holding a mere automatic pistol.)
They're as brilliant…
(The head terrorist, Kim, speaks to the corporate head in one of the top floors.)
"I'm not interested in your computer; I'm interested in what's inside your vault: namely the 6 billion yen in bearer bonds. And the computer controls the vault."
...as they are ruthless.
(The corporate head refuses to cooperate. All the while, Ranma is watching from under a desk in the next room.)
"I'm telling you, you're just gonna have to kill me."
"Okay."
(Kim shoots him in the head, and Ranma looks on, shocked, from the next room.)
"We'll do it the hard way."
Now, the fate of the hostages relies on one man…
(Ranma runs up several flights of stairs to the upper levels to avoid contact with terrorists.)
"Dammit! Think, think…man, what am I gonna do?"
The one thing they didn't count on…
(Ranma rides on top of an elevator car as it travels up the shaft. He's in a wife beater, and holds a submachine gun. In the next shot, he's hanging from a thin rope in a long, dark ventilator shaft, a slip away from plunging to his doom.)
No one is safe up in a Tokyo High Rise! (80's techno music starts playing)
(Ranma is up on the roof of the building, with submachine gun in one hand, and CB radio in the other.)
"They are killing the hostages slowly, and they are fortifying their positions while you're jerking me off!"
(Off in the police station, a woman responds to his call.)
"Whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only."
"No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I'm ordering take-out?"
(On the ground, police cruisers cover every inch of the parking lots. Officers and SWAT members are scurrying around as the police sirens light up the night. Two guys in suits are talking to the head officers.)
"We're taking it from here. You can all go home."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Hey, what about the man inside?"
"Who's he?"
(On the roof, Ranma is firing his automatic weapon into the air to scare all the hostages back down into the building. The SWAT chopper suddenly rises up from below the roof, and fires at him. He scurries to avoid the gunfire.)
"I'm on your side, you assholes!"
(Kim speaks on his own CB.)
"Really…you're most troublesome for a security guard…"
(Ranma is searching the pockets of the terrorists he has just killed. He answers with a laugh.)
"Sorry, wrong guess Kim! You wanna try again?"
(Ranma runs through a room full of computers, ducking below the desks to avoid gunfire. He occasionally pokes up to fire back. He then notices one of the henchmen, as he sends a disc-shaped bomb sliding across the tile floor. He leaps over a desk just as it explodes under him, and lands in a pile of broken glass.)
"Do you really think you have a chance against us, Ninja-boy?"
(Ranma answers in kind on the CB.)
"Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker-"
BOOM!
(The entire ground floor of the building explodes from a C-4 blast. The fire from the blast travels up an elevator shaft, where Ranma is watching from a higher level. As he sees the fire coming, his eyes go wide.)
"Oh, SHIT!"
(He dives away to avoid the fiery blast.)
(Down on the ground, an angry police chief yells into the CB.)
"Dammit! I don't know who you think you are, but you just destroyed the building! I'm in charge here, not you!"
(Ranma, who is sitting back on the higher level, responds in kind.)
"Oh, you're in charge. Lemme tell you something: I'm up here, where it doesn't look like you're I charge of jack shit."
(Meanwhile, a police armored vehicle crashes into the building, where the terrorists blast it with rockets.)
(Ranma runs across the roof, sliding down a slanted part to avoid gunfire. He lands on the very edge of the building, looking down forty stories with wide eyes.)
He's easy to like…
(Ranma crawls through the narrow air vents, with a cigarette lighter in hand. He scoffs)
" 'Come on down, we'll get together, have fun!' Please!"
And very hard to kill…
(In slow-mo, Ranma leaps off the side of the building, a fire hose tied to his waist. Right when he leaps, the roof explodes, sending a storm of fire right behind him. He falls down the side of the building, and crashes through the window.)
Tokyo High Rise
(Ranma lays down on the floor after crashing through the window on the 30th floor. He groans as he raises his head.)
"Dammit…I didn't even wanna come down here…oh, who am I kidding…"
When the workday is done, and you're tired out of your wits, don't you like nothing more than to go to that one place…
(A familiar bald, yellow-skinned Springfieldian walks through the streets of Nerima. He spots a stairway that leads down to a door. It appears to be a bar, with an Okonomiyaki shop above it. He descends the staircase, and walks through the door.)
"Hmm…this seems like a nice place…"
(The place is a fully stocked bar. Inside are several people, none of whom look lively. The bartender is a tall, dark-haired man with a single pigtail, and he talks with a shorthaired waitress. Other men and women are scattered around the area. A young man wearing a bandanna mans the bar while the bartender talks.)
"Ranma, you're too old to go fifty miles to fight with two phoenix people champions, on the same night that you're supposed to marry Akane, without Shampoo or Ukyo knowing."
"All right, Nabiki, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my comeback as the world's greatest martial artist, I'll sell the bar!"
(Over at the other side of the bar, and older man wearing a gi holds out an empty beer bottle.)
"Ryoga- give me a beer!"
"I think you've had enough tonight, Mr. Saotome. My doctor says I can't carry you home anymore, since we always pass that soccer field at the sprinkler time, and the inevitable happens."
"Just give me another beer, you brain-dead PIG!"
(He smashes the bottle, and holds out the broken end at the crowd.)
"I'll kill you! I'll kill all of ya'!"
(He is retrained by two men; one of them is about the same age, with long hair and a mustache. The other is taller, with shorter hair, and a sword tied to his belt.)
"Whoa, settle down there Saotome!"
"Yes! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!"
(All this frightens the bald newcomer, who gasps and retreats. Afterwards, Genma has calmed down.)
(Sniff) "I love you guys…"
(He begins sobbing, and the other men comfort him. The piano theme to Cheers starts playing.)
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
A show so good, you'll think you're there. Watch it!
(In the Bayankala Mountains of China, Ranma watches Ryoga run off towards the springs of Jusenkyo. He then turns his head to a bunch of long, thick poles. They are obviously holding something up. He looks back at the one running off, then moves his hand towards the poles. With a simple flick of his fingers, they have broken. The dam to his side breaks, and an enormous avalanche of water comes rampaging down the path, trailing Ryoga. He runs for his life.)
The Big…
(We see a shot of Ranma as he adjusts and flicks his ponytail.)
The Blind…
(This time, it's Mousse standing on top of a mountain, clad in his Amazon outfit, and gazing out into the wilderness.)
The Lost…
(Ryoga, who is sprawled out on the ground, slowly gets back up. He looks around to see where he is- and is shocked to see that he's at the cursed springs.)
The biggest powers in China are fighting to the death…
(Hundreds of athletic men wearing animal skins, and tons of people with wings face off against each other on the battlefield in the mountains. They fight savagely.)
…and the price is brutal.
(Musk people are snatched from the ground by Phoenix people, and dropped into the rocky mountain cliffs. Strong Musk men hurl boulders as the Phoenix people, striking hits every so often. Bodies of both sides lay all over the place.)
But for these three men…
(A quick three-lapse of Ranma, Mousse, and Ryoga- in said order.)
This conflict wasn't war…
(Ranma and Ryoga watch as the Musk and Phoenix people fight it out over the mountains. Over at another spot, Mousse watches as well.)
…it was PRACTICE!
(Ryoga is tied up by a number of Chinese natives, and is about to be cut down. All of a sudden, a stream of water comes out of nowhere, and splashes onto Ryoga, reverting him to his pig form. He promptly escapes, while the natives are distracted by a huge tornado in the area, one caused by Ranma.)
Sometimes, they worked as a team…
(Ranma and Ryoga are splitting reward money Ranma got for bringing in Ryoga as a 'wanted criminal'. After Ryoga is done counting, he stuff the money into his pocket.)
"There are only two kinds of people in this world, my friend: those who get lost, and those who have the job of leading them home. And I run the risks for us."
(Ranma laughs lightly)
"You may get us the money, p-chan. But I'm the one who leads us to our next score. If my sense of duty gets hurt, I just may lose you along the way."
(Ryoga laughs as well.)
"Yeah? Well, if you lose me, you'd better be long gone. Whoever leaves me in the dust and lets me find them…they understand nothing about Ryoga Hibiki…"
And sometimes alone…
(Mousse is talking with an old man in a dark hotel room.)
"I did the job, just like you asked. Got the name, then finished him."
"Oh, good!"
(The old man, lying in bed, pulls out a wad of bills from under his pillow."
"Here; this is for you. You did a good job."
(Mousse pockets the money.)
"Oh, yes. He also mentioned something that interested me. Something about a spring. Another Nannichuan."
"Really? I wouldn't know about that…"
"Of course you wouldn't. Oh, and one more thing: he gave me a thousand before he died. I think he meant that I'd kill you."
(Both of them share a laugh. Mousse then reaches for the old mans' pillow.)
"But the truth is that when I'm paid, I always see my job through to the end. You know that."
(The mans' smile disappears.)
"No! Mu-tsu, don't-"
(Mousse smothers the man with the pillow, then wrings a metal cable around his neck, finishing him off as the man struggles. When he finally slumps dead, Mousse smiles, and blows out the light.)
But they were all working for one thing…
(Ryoga looks around at all the dry springs with signs on them. He then bounds through the field of springs, searching for the right one. He zigzags back and forth between dry springs, before finally stopping at a sign that says 'Nannichuan'.)
…one goal…
(Ryoga is trying to dig up the spring with his bare hands, but not even the breaking point can do it. All of a sudden, a shovel falls at his knees. He looks up to see Ranma smiling slyly. After he resumes digging, another shovel flies in, landing at Ranma's feet. He turns to see Mousse, grasping another weapon in his hand.
…the SPRING!
(Ryoga strikes the hole one final time with the shovel, and a geyser of Nannichuan erupts from the spring. In another shot, all three of them have spread out on the field of springs, each standing on a bamboo pole. They all eye each other warily. The camera cuts back and forth between their eyes, their fists, and their stances on the poles, all in very quick succession. Finally, all at the same moment, they leap towards each other, and clash.)
The Big, the Blind, and the Lost
For three men, tribal war was just practice towards the real goal.
There you have it. I figured five was enough for each chapter. Let me know what you think! Also, here's the key:
Parody #1: This is Spinal Tap!
Parody #2: Sanford and Son
Parody #3: Die Hard
Parody #4: Cheers
Parody #5: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Not all of you have seen all of those things, but you should sometime. Spinal Tap is a great movie, easily the best mockumentary ever made. Sanford and Son is a hilarious 70's show about father and son, and you can see why I related it to Ranma. Die Hard is THE BEST action movie ever made. I'm shocked that I've never seen a Ranma fic relating to it before. Cheers is a classic 80's show about a Boston bar and its cronies. I'm sure you've heard of it before. And The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is one of the best westerns ever made. It's an awesome movie overall. If you haven't seen these movies/shows, see them! (At least read about the shows)
I hope you all liked this first chapter. I'm going to write as many of these as I can. I've already got several ideas, but if you want to suggest a parody idea, go ahead. Just go by these terms: 1) No other animes (sorry). 2) No very recent mainstream movies (exceptions will be made if I see something I like). And 3) No real life stories. Other than that, suggest anything. Until then, read and review (please review- it doesn't take much). Happy trails.