All right! I'm back with the second round of Ranma parodies. Hope you all enjoyed the first series, 'cause they're only gonna get better.
I saw some good suggestions from the reviewers. Yes, I know Kill Bill is a recent movie, but I liked it nonetheless. Look for a parody of it in later chapters. Other suggestions were good (except for 'Friends'; I loathe that show with an unholy passion), and I hope I'll find a way to use 'em. Until then, here is the next batch of Golden Classics.
Golden Classics
Chapter 2
(We are treated to an aerial view of the Bayakala mountain range. The camera keeps going until we get to Jusenkyo.)
In the late 1980's, a group of teens all journeyed through the Bayankala range in China. They all ended up falling into the legendary cursed springs of Jusenkyo, each gaining a water-triggered curse. They were all rounded up by the keepers of the springs, who intended to try them for trespassing and unlawful use. The men ultimately escaped from their prison to the Tokyo underground. Still wanted today by the keepers of the springs, they survive as martial artists for hire. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them…maybe you can hire…the Half-Team.
(Theme music starts)
(Camera shows Ranma throwing a thug over a wall into a pond as others run away. We then see Ryoga as he digs his way through a rock tunnel, only to find his way to the enemies' lair, and crushing them with the debris. In the next shot, Mousse swings from his grappling hook through the trees, and knocks two thugs out of the trees. And, in the final shot, Pantyhose Taro lifts an enormous boulder into the air, and sends it down a steep hill, where it disposes of several baddies.)
(This time, the boys are all standing on a street in Tokyo. A young, attractive girl approaches them.)
"Excuse me, I need your help! These drug dealers keep threatening my father, and we haven't been able to make a living with our business! Please, I beg of you!"
(Ranma smiles, and nods to the others. All but Pantyhose respond with a smile of their own.)
"Miss, you just hired the Half-Team! Let's go!"
Led by Ranma "Aqua Boy" Saotome, known for his skills in leadership, and, of course, deception!
(Ranma changes to his girl form, and runs out to an enemy guard, wearing torn clothes.)
"Kyaa! Oh, sir! I'm ever-so-desperate for help! Won't you please help me?"
"Uh…who are…"
(As the guard is distracted, the others make their way past the gate. When they are through, Ranma pulls a mallet out of nowhere, and pummels the guard.)
Ryoga "Bacon" Hibiki, who led them with his ability to crumble mountains with a finger touch…sometimes in the wrong direction!
(The team is moving through an underground tunnel that Ryoga, in the lead, is making.)
"For cryin' out loud, we've been going through this mountain for three hours!"
"Do you even know where you're going?"
"You better not have gotten us lost again, pig-boy!"
"Will you all shut up? I'm sure this leads to the Bayankala Range!"
(When they finally head upwards, they burst through the surface…only to see a fully-armored tank move in, and fall into their hole. They are nearly crushed, but manage to climb out of the whole…to find themselves facing a lone young man, in Tiananmen Square.)
"Holy…"
"Not again…"
(The tank driver climbs up out of the whole as well.)
"Shit…I was actually gonna run him over, too."
Mousse "Blind as a Bat", who was the technical genius of the group…when he could see his work!
(The gang is waiting while Mousse fixes the van- yes, they also have a van.)
"What's taking him so long?"
"How should I know? Just let him do it, he's always done it before."
"Is he wearing his glasses?"
"…Uh oh…"
BOOM!
(Smoke and soot cover everything and everyone as Mousse lays where the van used to be.)
"Hey, where'd the van go? I can't feel anything now!"
(The other three, covered in soot, crack their knuckles.)
And finally, Pantyhose "Pants" Taro, the muscle and attitude of the team…just don't call him by his real name!
(Taro sits in a crossed-leg position while the others head toward the van.)
"I'm not going on this mission! I don't care for those people at all."
(Ryoga turns to him.)
"How're we supposed to get paid, moron?"
"How should I know? I'm just fine!"
(Ranma walks up behind him.)
"Whatever you say, Pantyhose…"
"Don't call me that! I'm going to kill you all!"
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
(Pantyhose lays flat on the floor, three enormous bumps on his head. Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse all stand over him, each armed with a mallet.)
"Dumb jerk…"
"Get him in the van."
(Various other clips, including the van leaping over guerillas, Ryoga bursting out of the van with an assault rifle, Pantyhose beating the crap out of baddies and his own group, car crashes, fights between Ranma and the head bad guy, more car crashes, the group escaping on Pantyhose-bull, and many more.)
The ½ Team
(Ranma dusts his hands off, and holds his head high.)
"I love it when a plan comes together!"
(Ryoga walks up behind him.)
"What the hell are you talking about? This plan failed, and you know it!"
(The camera zooms out to reveal a bunch of flaming wrecks, and several bodies lying around.)
"Way to rub it in, Porky!"
(In an Air Port in Hong Kong, Ranma is talking on a payphone while everyone else talks on cells. He glances at the others with bored eyes as he waits for his call to go through.)
"Hey, Akane."
(Up in the sky, on a plane heading for Hong Kong, Akane sits at a window seat, talking on a cell of her own.)
"Ranma! Finally, you got through!"
"Yeah, I guess you got into the right airspace. Who's idea was it to come to Hong Kong, for Christmas, anyway?"
"Don't ask me. I just can't believe Oji-sama was able to get all of you there early."
"Yeah. Listen, when you land, can we drop the kids with our parents, check into a hotel…you know, order some room service…"
(Smiles) "You're on, handsome."
"I'll see you later."
(He hangs up, and walks through the crowd, walking past the food court, where a couple of Americans wearing black coats sit, holding boxes of equipment.)
Christmas Eve…
(Ranma suspiciously watches the two Americans walk into a restricted area. He gets up, and follows them to the same door- it's locked. He calls over a janitor, and flashes his badge.)
"There a cop on duty around here?"
"Airport police…"
"Go get 'em."
(In another shot, we see several other men, most of them American, exiting various rooms and walking down a hall in a group. They all wear black, military-style clothes, and carry various packages.)
Hong Kong International Airport…
(The commandos set up a miniature control tower at a Buddhist temple. The monk watching the place lays dead on the ground. Outside, the others are tapping into the underground wiring system. Finally, after one man swings an axe down on a cable, we switch to the airport, where all the runway lights switch off.)
The tower's lost control…
(All the controllers and operators in the tower are panicking.)
"Instrument landing system is down!"
"Backup systems won't come up!"
"We've got rain conditions- zero visibility!"
(The head of the tower speaks into headset mic.)
"Attention all controllers- we have a code red alert."
(A plane coming in from Japan- Akane's plane- is having trouble staying in the air.)
There's panic in the air…
(Ranma is arguing with the airport police chief.)
"Don't you guys get it? This is the résumé of a professional mercenary! You've got the world's biggest drug dealer on his way here, (cut to TV footage of Chinese general in handcuffs, being led onto a plane) and you're telling me you can't figure this out?"
"I want you outta' my office before I have you thrown outta' my goddamn airport!"
And panic on the ground…
(The head controller speaks on the radio to the head mercenary.)
"How did you get on this line? Who the hell are you?"
"Who I am is unimportant…what I want is very important."
(A S.W.A.T. team is leading a technician through a remote part of the airport. They are suddenly ambushed by a group of mercs disguised as maintenance. The ensuing firefight kills all of the S.W.A.T. members, leaving only the technician, who is held at gunpoint by one of he mercs. All of a sudden, Ranma bursts out of a vent directly above the henchman, and unloads his pistol down into the man. He then jumps from the vent, and crawls along the ground, slowly dispatching the other mercs.)
(Meanwhile, down in an underground airport tunnel, Ranma clutches both a radio and a ma, unsure of where to go.)
"Oh, we are just up to our ass in terrorists again, Ranny!"
But for police officer Ranma Soatome…
(Ranma is crawling through the vents when he hears gunfire nearby. He pulls his own weapon.)
"Dammit, I hate it when I'm right!"
It's just another Christmas…
(Various clips of Ranma shooting terrorists, diving to avoid explosions, stabbing a thug in the eye with an icicle, and chasing after terrorists on a snowmobile.)
(Up in the tower, the controllers notice something.)
"Hey, there's someone on the runway!"
"It's Soatome!"
(Indeed, Ranma is waving two pipes in the air, each wrapped in gasoline-soaked cloth and set afire. He tries, fruitlessly, to signal the incoming plane, which simply flies over him.)
"Pull up!"
(Back in the terminal, the controller speaks to Ranma.)
"Your wife's plane- they're gonna run outta' fuel in 90 minutes."
(Cut to Ranma moving head on into the path of another snowmobile on his own, blazing a submachine gun, not knowing it's full of blanks. The others gun down his snowmobile, and send it flying into the woods, where he leaps off of it before it explodes.)
(In the next shot, Ranma leaps from a news chopper onto the wing of a moving 747, where the terrorists are getting away. He is met by another, and the two battle it out until Ranma kicks him away, where he is sucked into the turbine engine. The next guy, however, proves to be too much for Ranma, as he knocks Ranma to the edge of the wing, where he dangles for his life. Ranma is kicked off the plane, but not before he opens the emergency fuel port. Back on the ground, as the terrorists are celebrating their supposed getaway, Ranma reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter, draws a flame, and utters a single line he learned from an American action film.)
"Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker."
(He throws the lighter into the trail of fuel, where it ignites, and follows the plane at an alarming speed, catching up just as the plane lifts off. The plane explodes in an amazing blast of inferno, taking all aboard with it.)
Hong Kong Air
This time, you'll be blown sky-high.
(We are treated to a nice view of a small town in the mountains of northern Japan. It's a cloudy day, and people are going about their normal lives.)
It's a quiet, small mountain town…
(We cut to a shot of a young man wearing a yellow, spotted bandanna walking down a mountain road towards the town. He carries a backpack and a parasol on his back.)
And he's a quiet, simple man…
(Ryoga keeps walking down the road, towards the town. A local police chief spots him from his cruiser, and drives over to meet him, stopping right in front of Ryoga.)
"Looking for someone, stranger?"
But what this town doesn't know…
(Ryoga is now riding in the passenger seat with the chief, who is driving him through town.)
This simple drifter…
"You're a soldier, huh? I figured. Where you headed?"
"Sendai."
"I'll get you on the right path."
"What, I can't stop here?"
…is no ordinary man…
(The chief has dropped Ryoga off at the end of town.)
"Sendai, ten miles that way! Good luck!"
(He then drives back toward town, only to see Ryoga heading back that way as well. He angrily turns around.)
And things are bound to happen…
(The chief now has Ryoga at the local police station. The officers all give him the hostile eye. Ryoga stands his ground, saying nothing.)
"Boy, you'd better start talking to us right now, 'cause you're just making things worse!"
(They proceed to take him down to the basement, and strike him with their riot clubs. When they force him to strip, a younger officer is shocked by all the scars Ryoga has on his body.)
"Good God! What happened to him?"
"Who cares? It don't matter now."
(After hosing him down, they have him in another room, where officers are holding Ryoga back against a wall. During this, Ryoga has flashbacks to past events relating to torture. A man with a razor approaches him.)
"Forget the suds, just shave him dry!"
Things that go too far…
(As the man approaches, Ryoga flashes back to being tortured with a knife. He responds by kicking the man clear across the room. He then throws the other men around, and dashes out of the building, knocking away anyone in his way. He then steals a motorcycle, and rides off into the mountains, all the while pursued by the police.)
Now, this small, quiet town is out to find him…
(Several police officers search the woods, all armed with rifles or shotguns. One man shepherds the police dogs.)
But they have no idea…
(One officer slowly makes his way through the woods, flashlight in hand. Then, he hears a scream from his fellow officer.)
"Toshi! Are you okay?"
…what they are in for!
(All of a sudden, he steps into a trap, and is yanked up by his feet by a noose.)
(Cut to a group of officers standing on a cliff. One has a radio.)
"We just got some news on this guy: he's a vet from China! Fought in that war against the Musk! Guy's a war hero!"
(Cut to a shot of Soun Tendo, talking to the officers of the town.)
"You don't seem to know what you're up against. Ryoga was the best back in China; trained in everything: stealth…"
(Ryoga blends within a tree as searchers walk right past him.)
"…combat…"
(Ryoga jumps out of his hiding place, kicks a rifle out of the soldiers' hands, and throws him down the hill.)
"…and survival under any circumstances."
(Ryoga rests under a well-built shelter during a raging storm, his fire kept alive well.)
(Cut back to Soun and the officers.)
"What did you come here for? To protect him?"
"I didn't come here to protect him from you: I came here to protect you from him."
(Cut to Soun speaking on the CB.)
"Company leader to identify team: Saotome, Hibiki, Mu-Tsu, Taro, Kobayashi, Shimura, Mifune, confirm! This is Colonel Tendo!"
(Ryoga responds.)
"They're all dead, sir. I'm the last one."
(Ryoga stands at the top of a hill, next to a large boulder.)
(Cut back to earlier)
"Ryoga, you need to stop this. Let me fly you outta' there."
(Cut back to the hill, where soldiers are advancing towards Ryoga.)
(Back to Ryoga with CB.)
"They broke the first wall, not me."
(Ryoga uses the breaking point on the boulder, sending an avalanche of debris on the soldiers.)
(Several more clips, including Ryoga destroying a gas station with an M-60, breaking through boulders in an abandoned mine shaft, ambushing soldiers, and hijacking a truck.)
First Break
(Cut to the chief arguing with Soun.)
"Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?"
"You send that many, don't forget one thing."'
"What?"
"A good supply of body bags."
(Long drum roll tune starts as we are treated to a view of what looks like some sort of detention center in Hawaii. We close-up on a cabin, where Sasuke and a few guards open up the door, letting out several teenagers. Among them are Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse, Diasuke, Hiroshi, and Gosunkugi, as well as several others. At the cabin across from theirs'. The door opens, and out walks Principal Kuno, dressed in some sort of colonel's uniform, with a Hawaiian touch. He is accompanied by the younger Kuno, as well as several of the teachers. Drum roll converts into theme music as each of the characters get a close-up.)
(Sasuke is knocking on the barracks door.)
"Hello? Is anyone there? Will one of you please open the door?"
(Someone finally opens the door: it's Ranma.)
"What do you want, Sasuke?"
"Don't give me that, Saotome! I'm your barracks officer, and I shall see what you all are up to!"
(Ranma smiles.)
"Be my guest."
(He opens the door to reveal the rest of the barracks engaged in making illegal products for exports; things popular in Japan, but only found in Hawaii. Ryoga stands at the head of the group, and gives Sasuke a sly grin from his spot. Sasuke cringes- it's way too much for him to deal with.)
"Oh…well, I'll just be going now."
"Have a good time, pal."
(Ranma slams the door, and Sasuke walks away.)
"I see nothing- nothing!"
"Sasuke!"
(Sasuke goes white, and turns to face Kuno, carrying his bokken like an idiot.)
"What were you saying just now?"
(Sweats) "Nothing, master! It's all right! There is absolutely nothing going on! Nothing at all!"
(In another shot, Daisuke is fixing up another student with some Hawaiian clothes. Ryoga sits at a desk right beside them.)
"You're doing a great job, Dai. Hopefully our friend will be able to make it to the right spot. If he's lucky, he may get as far as Pearl Harbor."
(The new kid turns to Ryoga.)
"Uh, Colonel Hibiki?"
"Yes?"
"How exactly are you planning to sneak me out of here?"
"You have to look like a Hawaiian tourist if you're going to get through the principal's guards."
"So, what about the one who I replaced? Do they know he's missing?"
"No, only Sasuke knows, and he's our barracks guard."
"So you bribe him?"
"Oh, we don't have to do that…you see, if you're a different man, that means there's a man missing. And if there's a man missing, zoom, Sasuke gets a vacation at Furinkan High. And we all know what happens there."
"That's brilliant, sir!"
"Well, it's just a plan…"
(Afterwards, Ryoga is talking face-to-face with Principal Kuno.)
"You keiki seriously think you can get away wid all these escape attempts? From now on, dey mus stop!"
"Are you sure about that, principal? I mean, if we gave up trying to escape, what would your superiors think of this place?"
"What you mean, boy?"
"Well, think about it. They probably wouldn't need a principal to run this place. A simple teacher could do it! Heck, a sampai could do it."
(The principal's face goes white.)
"A sempai?"
"Oh, it's okay, I don't think you're gonna be sent back to Furinkan."
"Ahh! You heard some'tin'? Who said it? Taki?"
(Ryoga's face remains calm.)
"Hinako? Sasuke?"
(At that name, Ryoga cringes- purposefully.)
"A-ha! I knew dat big mouth would say stuff like dat!"
"Well, he's just doin' his job…and doing it damn well!"
(Ryoga steals a few pineapples off the desk when the principal isn't looking, and runs off. The principal notices the missing fruit, and gapes.)
"Hiiibiiikiii!"
(Now, we see Gosunkugi leading Kuno outside the barracks.)
"Is what you say true, Gosunkugi? Have they been participating in illegal dealing?"
"Yes, sir. It's right through the ground. This pull on the water tower opens the underground tunnel."
(Meanwhile, Ryoga and the others are watching from behind the barracks. Kuno pulls on the rope, which only results in them being splashed with water. He looks angrily at Gosunkugi as Ryoga signals a thumbs-up to his friends.)
Hibiki's Heroes
(Sasuke stands in a hall, his eyes closed. Behind him, students are sneaking equipment through the hall.)
"I see nothing…"
Like every city, Tokyo, Japan has its bad parts of town…
(We are taken through a shabby-looking street in Tokyo to a nearby bank. Several people are at work there.)
And in the scum of the town lives the scum of the population…
(The doors suddenly burst open, and in come half a dozen hooded criminals, all carrying automatic weapons. They seize control of the bank, and take the patrons hostage.)
And in a town like this…
(A police cruiser speeds up to the bank, and out of it step Ryoga and Mousse, both ready for action.)
There's only one way to deal with criminals…
(Two of the criminals are backing towards a side door; one holds a hostage, the other holds a case of stolen cash. As they back up, the camera focuses on the door.)
…the old-fashioned way!
(The door suddenly bursts open, and out comes Ranma, dressed in his usual attire, only with a badge. He grabs hold of both the criminals, slams them together, then delivers a hard kick to each of them, sending them flying into the wall. Mousse and Ryoga both join him, and the three of them proceed to manhandle the criminals. Of course, we focus mostly on Ranma, who delivers chops, punches, head-butts, and finishes them off with the traditional roundhouse kick.)
Here, the cops make it their business to be the law.
(Ranma is twisting the arm of a rapist, who is kneeling on the ground in pain. A frightened girl sits nearby.)
"Hey, cop, you screwed up! You forgot to read me my rights!"
(Ranma responds) "You're right! You have the right (kicks the rapist in the face, knocking him over) to remain silent!"
And one of them is the ultimate in law enforcement.
(Ranma is staring down a bartender after walking in and causing a ruckus.)
"This is Osaka, cop! You Tokyo Rangers have no right here! No right!"
(Ranma raises an eyebrow.)
"No right?"
"No!"
(Ranma slams a right-handed punch into the bartenders' face, sending him on a speedy trip to the ground.)
"I think that was a pretty good right."
Nothing in the world can stop him…
(Ranma packs a number of tuxedos into the police cruiser, and closes the trunk. He then gets in with Ryoga.)
"We can't let these suits get damaged, okay? Akane's countin' on me to get 'em to her in time for Kasumi's wedding!"
"Don't worry, the suits'll be fine!"
(The radio suddenly snaps on.)
"Attention all units, report of a 2-11 in progress at the First Bank of Nerima, request assistance…"
(They drive to the robbery, and get out of the car. One of the criminals has a grenade, and he tries to use it. When he throws it at them, Ryoga kicks it away, where it rolls under the car. Ryoga cringes, realizing his mistake.)
"Uh oh…"
"Duh!"
(The car explodes, and they dive for cover.)
"The suits!"
"The car!"
"What? Never mind the car! Akane's gonna kill us!"
"Maybe we should just head to…Bolivia."
"That's not far enough!"
And he always gets the job done…
(Ranma drives his car through the wall of a warehouse, jumps out, and starts shooting criminals. After several of the crooks have been dealt with by way of the gun, he faces of with the big boss in a game of fisticuffs.)
…every time.
(Ranma delivers several punches, kicks and grapples to the crime boss, before finishing him with a slow-mo roundhouse kick. He wipes the sweat off his forehead.)
"Sleep tight, sucker."
Ranma, Tokyo Ranger
"You have the right to remain still while I dragon kick your face."
There. The second round of parodies is done. Hope you enjoyed this one, too. Now, for the key:
Parody #1: The A-Team
Parody #2: Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Parody #3: First Blood
Parody #4: Hogan's Heroes
Parody #5: Walker, Texas Ranger
Again, I'm sure not all of you are familiar with all of these. But a lot of you should be by now. Those of you who watch Family Guy are definitely aware of The A-Team, thanks to a recent episode. The A-Team is the show that Mr. T was famous for. References were all over that episode of Family Guy. As for Die Hard 2, it's simply the first sequel to Die Hard. Look for a parody of Die Hard: With a Vengeance in the next chapter. First Blood is a 1982 Sylvester Stallone movie, the first in the Rambo series. I just did this because I'm a huge 80's action fan. Doing the sequels will be a lot more fun. All you Family Guy watchers should also be aware of Hogan's Heroes, as Peter mentions it several times during the series (does the name Bob Crane sound familiar?). It's a sitcom about a group of allied prisoners in a Nazi POW camp, and raising hell for the camp officers. And Walker, Texas Ranger is a show about Texas cops, starring Chuck Norris. It was only a matter of time before he and Ranma crossed paths. I'm also sure that if Ranma ever watched American TV, that would be his favorite show.
Well, that's all. Until next time, keep up the reviews and suggestions. I need more, people!