How could I be so stupid?

by LiltingBanshee

Author´s note: I want to thank all of you who reviewed the last chapter of this story. As you may be aware of, authors are no longer allowed to respond to their reviewers...!
As always my reaction to such a stupid and unneccesary rule was to neglect it and respond to you anyway (not very mature, but hey – that´s me), but I realized that if this story was removed you would all end up being punished. Instead I will try to respond personally to you over e-mail. If you do not receive a response it is only because I can not find your mail addresses:)

Christine was lying on her bed trying to study. Alana was sitting on the floor drawing and softly humming to herself.
Christine took her eyes off the page she was reading and smiled at her daughter.

"What are you drawing my love?" she asked softly.

"A pony. I want one for Christmas" Alana stated.

Christine laughed. "Sweety, I don´t think we have room for a pony".

"Daddy also said no pony" Alana said.

"When did Daddy say no pony?" Christine asked surprised. She hadn´t spoken to Erik for 2 weeks and Alana had definitely not asked for a pony during that conversation. "When did you speak to Daddy about the pony sweetheart?" she asked.

"Last night" Alana shrugged, choosing another crayon.

"And did you pick up the phone when he called?" Christine asked hopefully, knowing very well that the chances of that happening was about zero.

"No, Grandma did. She said you were out, but that he could speak to me" Alana said.

"Did Grandma tell Daddy who Mummy was out with?" Christine asked nervously.

"No" Alana said and Christine let out a relieved breath. "I did. I told Daddy that you were out with Gerry and that I like Gerry because he brings me lollipops, and then I asked him for a pony. Look!" Alana said and showed her the drawing of a pony that most of all looked like a giraf/spider hybrid with a long neck and about 10 legs.

"That´s very nice baby" Christine said half-heartedly. "Now tell Mummy what Daddy said when you told him about Gerry?"

"He just said that I shouldn´t eat lollipops because they are bad for my teeth and then he said no pony" Alana reached for another crayon and started a new drawing.

"Sweetheart, Mummy is just going to go downstairs, can you stay here for a second?" Christine said already halfway out of the door. Alana just nodded.

"Mum why didn´t you tell me Erik called last night?"

Marie looked up from her newspaper at her daughter´s harsh words. "I´m sorry my dear, you were so happy when you came home yesterday, I didn´t want to upset you" Marie said.

"But you could have told me today Mum, and knowing that he called is not going to upset me! The only thing that upsets me is that Alana told him I was out with Gerry and now Erik is probably upset!" Christine could feel tears burning in her eyes at the thought.

"Christine what right does he have to be upset? He is married to someone else! You´re young and should enjoy your life and that means going out with other people" Marie tried.

"I know he´s married Mum, but he´s trying! One day we´ll be together and I don´t want him to think that I´m not waiting for him!" Christine said angrily.

"How long will you wait Christine? It´s been over 2 years already! You´re 20 years old! It´s too soon to say you´ll never fall in love again" Marie said.

"I don´t care! I´ll call Erik" Christine said and turned on her heel.
She knew calling Erik was risky. Her parents had begun to accept his call to their home, but Giselle wouldn´t be happy if she answered the phone when Christine called. That was why she only called his place on times when Erik had told her Giselle would be out.
This time however she didn´t care if Giselle picked up, she could always just fake that she was someone who needed to speak to Erik about a business matter.
Luckily she didn´t need all her excuses when she heard Erik´s voice.

"Hi, it´s me" she said relieved.

"Oh, hello Christine. Nice to catch you at home for a change" he said in a voice that Christine thought sounded slightly bitter.

"What do you mean Erik?" she asked.

"Well, you´re always either in school, out with Meg or appearently out on dates. It´s great that Alana gets along so well with your mother" he said in a harsh tone.

"Are you saying I don´t spend enough time with her?" Christine asked in an equally annoyed tone.

"No, I´m just saying that maybe you should prioritate the time you have. She is after all your daughter, she should be more important than random guys" he spat.

"Erik, please don´t do this. I can understand you were surpised by what Alana said, but it´s not at all what you think" she pleaded.

"Well, I don´t know what to think Christine. You haven´t bothered to tell me. All I know is that you´re spending time with a guy who my daughter seems to be very fond of and who is trying to buy her love with candy. And she really shouldn´t eat candy, she´s only 2 years old!" he said.

"Don´t try to tell me how to raise my child! You´re her father and you have seen her what – twice in the past year! I´m surprised she even remembers you! Besides I´m not dating Gerry, he´s just a friend!" she hissed into the phone.

"Whatever you say Christine! And it´s not my choice that I haven´t seen Alana. You know what things are like!" he said.

"Oh spare me your pathetic excuses Erik. I´m sick of hearing about you not having a choice! You´re 33 years old, you can make your own choices. I´m beginning to think you have already made your choice and that is to stay with Giselle!" she said with tears in her voice.

"That´s not true Christine! You know I´m only doing this for the people at the opera house!" he said raising his voice.

"Yeah yeah, I´ve been listening to that for years! How about doing something for us? Me, the girl you always say is your true love and your daughter! What is most important to you Erik, your job or your family?" she spat.

"Well, if you´re tired of waiting for me then don´t! It appears to me you have stopped anyway!" he yelled.

"Mayby I won´t! Maybe I´ll go and marry Gerard and then you´ll see what it feels like!" she yelled back and slammed the phone down.

She put her face in her hands and sighed.

"Mummy, are you mad at Daddy?" a little voice said.

Christine raised her head and looked at Alana who was sitting on the stairs watching her with tears in her eyes. She quickly walked over and enveloped her in a hug.

"No no baby, Mummy and Daddy just had a discussion, it´s nothing for you to worry about" she said soothingly.

"Is he coming to see us then?" Alana asked.

"No sweety, I don´t think so" Christine said trying hard not to cry.

"Why is Daddy never coming to see us?" Alana asked and looked at Christine.

"You know Daddy is working hard in another country and that is why he can´t come here so often" Christine explained.

"I miss Daddy" Alana said and leaned her head on Christine´s chest.

"I know sweety, so do I" Christine said and kissed the top of her head.

After a minute of silence Alana lifted her head. "Mummy can we go to the playground" she asked.

"Yes baby, we can. Let´s get you into some warm clothes" Christine smiled.

Half an hour later Christine was sitting on a bench watching Alana on the swings. All kinds of thoughts was racing around in her head.

'Why had she said those things to him? Was she in love with Gerry? What would her actions mean to Alana? And did this mean that she had lost Erik?'
She was so confused that she didn´t notice Alana had left the swings. When she looked up she couldn´t see her anywhere.

"Alana! Where are you?" she yelled.

When she didn´t answer she started to panic. "Alana! Answer me! Where are you?" 'How could I be so stupid? Why didn´t I pay attention to her!' she thought frantically.
She felt tears running down her cheeks. "Alana, please baby! Where are you?" she yelled again.
She was just about to break down completely when she felt someone standing behind her.

"Why are you crying Mummy? Are you sad?"

Christine whirled around and scooped the little girl up in her arms. "Where were you Alana? You scared the life out of me!" Christine sobbed into her hair:

"Don´t cry Mummy, I just followed the rabbit" Alana said

"You must never do something like that ever again! Do you hear me Alana? Never!" Christine scolded and looked into her eyes.

"But the rabbit was sweet" Alana whined.

"I know darling, but you must ask Mummy to go with you if you want to go somewhere. Promise me that" Christine sniffed.

Alana nodded and stuck her hand in her pocket. She produced a lollipop and held it up to Christine.
"Do you want this Mummy? You can eat the candy and then no more tears" she said.

Christine couldn´t help but smile at her. "Where did you get that sweety?" she asked.

"From Gerry" Alana said.

"But I thought you ate that last night" Christine smiled.

"No, Daddy said it was bad, but you´re not a baby so you can have it" she said and held the lollipop up close to Christine´s mouth.

Christine laughed out loud and kissed her soundly on the mouth. "You are the sweetest child in the whole world. I love you so much baby! Put the lollipop back in your pocket, it´s ok for you to eat it later" she said.

Alana smiled widely. "Thank you Mummy, I love you too" the little girl said.

"Come on love, let´s go home and have some tea" Christine said and put Alana back in her buggy.

What a day, she had had an awful fight with Erik and had nearly lost Alana. She had a lot to think about, but for now she would just spend some time with her child.