AN: Yo, wrote this for fun in a couple hours to unwind from S&M Maid for a sec. A crack idea my server voted on. Inspired by 'Harry-Stu Gamer,' I give you 'Hit The Ground Running.' (name still up for debate), the story a gourmet hunter style adventurer with the Door Door devil fruit. I have a few ways I could take this story, give this a read and let me know your thoughts.

I'm still deciding between going Pure-Crack or Semi-Crack.

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Disclaimer: I own no source material.

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Chapter 1.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, jack my man, you just couldn't help yourself, could you?" A man in his early twenties, wearing a form-fitting three-piece suit, muttered to himself in a controlled panic as he ran for his life.

What was he running from?

Well, that would be the thirty foot troll like giant woman with her hair burning at temperatures of the sun carrying a massive fuck off sword and riding on a thundercloud. "STAY STILL YOU BASTARD!" Big Mom was not happy.

"Oh shit!"

Observation Haki flaring louder than a man crying in agony as his wife crushed his hand in childbirth sprouted in the man's mind, and he dove for cover like a midget thinking Michael Jackson was behind them.

An earth-shattering trench dug through the paved stone as the ground was rent by an errant wave of the giant woman's sword.

The man, one simple Sir Jack, tucked and rolled in a genuinely expert fashion as he continued on his path of running for his life. If there was one thing he was confident in, it was that he could run away from mostly anyone thanks to his devil fruit.

The only problem was the bleeding wound in his thigh where a high-powered sea stone bullet dug into his flesh. All he needed was fifteen seconds, just a quarter of a minute to use a knife and cut out the shell lodged in there so he could use his fruit ability and vanish. 'God damn it! How did I screw up this badly?!'

Jack threw himself behind a building just as a lightning bolt Zeus would be jealous of incinerated the spot he was at before. "God damn it woman! It was just one fucking candy!"

"NO ONE TAKES MY CANDY!"

His leg pulsed in agony as he used Soru to dash forward and away from an exploding building, the stone flying like shrapnel like the mucus from the sneeze of a giant Sea-king.

"Hold it!"

"No."

"Freeze!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Get him!"

"Get yourself."

One by one, suicidal guards tried to tackle him as he ran, only to be dodged and thrown behind him like pinballs in the way of a bowling ball. The entire island was in a frenzy as Big Mom was on her rampage. Only the ones with actual intelligence, being her children, knew to stay out of the way of the destructive trolls' charge.

But none of them could stop him, for he was Sir Jack, the one and only gourmet hunter of the seas. Where there was good food to be had, he would soon follow. The deepest oceans, the highest mountains, none could escape his gaze.

Sir Jack had even snuck into Marine Headquarters itself to steal the sake from vice-admiral Akainu. The marine may have had one fiery temper, but he knew quality liquor. He couldn't appreciate a good joke sadly.

It was only the side job of being a bounty hunter, and one of the few useful ones in the New World, that stopped Jack from having a massive bounty placed on his head for his actions. He was no pirate, no sir! He paid for his goods when he wanted to buy something, and no lady that entered his chambers ever claimed he was unfaithful.

Sir Jack was a man of action, decisiveness, and sheer fucking.… "WO!" A massive burst of fire trailed him and burned away the back of his slacks, toasting his cheeks even as he worked his meager abilities with Armament Haki to protect his backside. "Woman! There are lines we don't cross!"

"You crossed mine first!"

"I took one! One! You had ninety nine more that you burned with your own hands!"

Big Mom paused for a fraction of a second as she recalled the wonderful mouthwatering hand-crafted candies she had been excited to get for days, only to see them go up in flames as a rat took one and she lost her temper. "DIE! IKOKU…"

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" Jack felt the buildup of insane amounts of Haki concentrating behind him and felt despair trickle in. 'I can't die like this! I have so much I still want to eat!'

Jack's early life was dull and sad. The life of an orphan on an island where starving children are seen as a nuisance. He barely managed to scrape by for years until one day, in the woods, he found a weird fruit and ate it.

Since that day, he never had to go hungry again. He wasn't naturally bloodthirsty or cruel, but a life such as his bled false sympathy out of him quickly. He knew where he stood, he chased his dreams, and he didn't try to change the world for any grand purpose.

He liked food. He wanted food. He enjoyed making food. He liked to eat new things.

He didn't need a fancy goal; that alone was enough. He used his fruit to go all around the world, see hundreds of islands, build safehouses, stay off the radar of bigwigs by not being a pirate or marine, and didn't have a boner to pick a fight with everyone around him.

Some may call him a coward, others call him an annoying bastard, but Jack considered himself a gentleman's thief when dealing with those who hoarded food. He couldn't help his kleptomaniac tendencies when around new food; it was instinctual as a gourmet hunter; just because the pile of candy was placed before Big Mom didn't deter those instincts.

And now here he was, after living a life searching the sea's for new things to eat for a decade, outrunning and escaping from everyone and anyone who wanted his life, only to get hit by a tiny fucking stone that negated his fruits ability while he had to run from one of the only people on the seas able to actually stop him from physically running away.

Staring into the glowing mass of red and blue Haki building on Big Mom's sword, a fire flared inside his soul. 'I refuse to die like this!' Big Mom's pause to build up an attack that really showed how pissed off she was gave him precious seconds to act.

With the pure will to survive, he grabbed a sharp chef's knife he kept strapped to his lower back and slashed his thigh precisely where the bullet was anchored. With a painful roar and blood flying, he stuck his fingers into his wound and yanked out the bullet shell, worsening his injury but freeing himself in the process. 'I did it!'

"SOVEREIGNTY!"

Time slowed as the glow from Big Mom's attack lit up his world, and his Observation Haki flared like never before as the small church boy in his mind screamed stranger danger. He could barely reach a hand out in time. "Door…." The spatial door shattered under the power coming it's way. Jack grit his teeth and tried again, only for the same result to happen.

'DAMN IT! I REFUSE TO DIE!'

The wind hit him first, ripped him from the ground as he could only watch the bullshit spear of pure Haki extend toward him. With a pure desperate howl, he screamed his last chance to the world. "DOOR OPEN!"

Something snapped inside himself, something very few ever achieved, something born from desperation on the edge of death and requiring a unique will to match with its source. The Door Door devil fruit, awakened.

A door formed in the air behind him, knocking him unconscious from the strain, and sucking him in at the same exact moment the spear pierced through the door. Spatial cracks rapidly formed as the door shattered, and the spear continued on to pierce a mountain in the distance.

To any of the onlookers, even Big Mom herself, it just looked like Jack was disintegrated by the attack. But in truth, Jack was thrown through a dangerously unstable spatial tunnel, spinning and smashing into spatial turbulence as he fell down a proverbial rabbit hole into the unknown.

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Deep in the Amazon Rainforest, in a secure facility home to only one owner, a twenty-year-old woman by the name of Rindo Kobayashi was greeting the new day.

Amber yellow eyes with vertically slitted pupils looked down through her bedroom window in appreciation of the view of the forest she had come to call home.

A curtain of flowing scarlet hair reaching down to her shoulder blades stirred gently from the wind of an open window as Rindo stretched her limbs above her with a yawn, revealing her pronounced cat-like teeth to the world. "Mn~, I never get tired of this view."

She tossed aside the bed covers, revealing the rabbit onesie she loved sleeping in, and moved with a feline's grace to her bathroom to wash up and get changed for the day. 'Hm… I'm thinking I want fish today; let's see what the traps by the river got.'

The last few years had been interesting for Rindo. After all the crazy events in her final year of school, she graduated and jumped straight into work as she helped organizations she funded during her school years to fight off poachers from stealing endangered animals in the amazon rainforest.

Exotic food called to her like nothing else as a chef, but she had respect for the natural world and despised the poachers that killed and stole anything in their path to make some money. So many species were lost to time due to their actions.

Rindo was no wallflower during the fights, she had been raised since she was young by her father to be a wild hunter. The man had been a guide for wealthy clients through the amazon, while her mother was a foreigner who fell in love with the man. Both sadly passed away during her school years to a poachers raid, only increasing her disgust of their kind.

She lived for the wild and was happiest exploring new areas she had yet to find in the forest. The Amazon was her playground, and the exotic chef inside her wanted to find the flavors of everything she could find.

Unfortunately for her social life, that meant she spent a lot of time on her own. Sure, her childhood friend Eishi Tsukasa tried to join her for a bit after graduation, but the guy was physically fragile and had to pull back to pursue his own career. There was nothing wrong with that, and she wished him well on his path. The two had attempted to date at one point to see where it went, but Eishi discovered he was more interested in the male form, and Rindo just dropped things with a shrug.

She wasn't hurt by it; it was his choice to make, and she didn't mind. With him gone, however, she was more or less on her own in charge of her poacher fighting organizations. One day she wanted to open a restaurant, but until then, she was more interested in spreading her wings and enjoying her freedom.

With no restraints to tie her down, she was free to spend as long as she wanted in the wild to hone her skills as a chef and hunter. That was the whole reason she built a self-sustaining home inside the Amazon rainforest to begin with. There was no one around for miles, and the only people who knew where she lived were close friends.

Which is why Rindo had to pause at the sight of a bleeding man around her age passed out on her kitchen floor. HER kitchen. Where she kept all her priceless exotic ingredients and recipes made with her own hands.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Rindo's feline eyes narrowed on the unconscious man in a rising fury. How he got injured she didn't care; there were a thousand things in the forest that could do it. How he found her home, got through all her traps, and didn't even alert her as she slept in her own bed was something she cared a great about.

She would have her answers.

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Jack's return to consciousness was not fun.

First, he was missing his pants; not the first time he had woken up like that.

Second, he was in a decent amount of pain from…well…. Everywhere. His leg throbbed like the heart of a youth seeing their favorite boy band, and the rest of his body ached like he got a few hits from vice-admiral Borsellino. Also not the first time he woke up like that.

What WAS a first for him was that he found himself hanging in the air, tied up like a thanksgiving turkey in rope that was in places rope shouldn't be in. 'I doubt this is Big Mom's doing, I still have my limbs after all.'

Dressed in only his dress shirt and his briefs, feeling a breeze on his cheeks, he wiggled in his bounds like a caterpillar in a web as his amber pupils searched the room only to freeze as they landed on a similarly colored gaze, except he was pretty sure he didn't have slitted pupils.

The two stared, amber into amber, for a solid minute as he swung idly from his bounds. He took in her features and tried to match the face to someone he knew but came up empty. He was sure beauty like that would have been more well-known.

A gentleman's smile grew on his lips as he bowed his head politely, his black locks framing his pupils in a way he knew stuck in the mind of his viewers. "Well miss, must have been a fun night eh?"

The scarlet feline eyed him like a juicy toy with amusement as her lips twitched. "Indeed, very wild it seems."

Jack swallowed at the look in her eyes as he swung idly. "Hm, I hope I was able to please my lady. Now, if the festivities are over, think you could cut me down?"

He could free himself if he wished, but his body was in pain, and flexing his muscles right now wouldn't be fun.

Rindo hummed and rested her chin on a palm as she crossed her legs in a chair. The short camo shorts she wore leaving her lightly tanned skin on display in a sensual way only offset by her dangerous aura of a predator.

Jack was in love.

"Now, why would I do that? We were just getting to the fun part." Her words and gaze did strange things to him that he would rather think about later.

Jack tried to be civil. "I see, so it was that kind of night. I assume no bed was involved then?"

"Not for you."

"A shame then."

"My~, a charmer aren't you?"

"My lady, I have yet to charm you. Perhaps we can work on that over some tea?"

"Oh? Thirsty are you? I think I can help with that."

Jack first smiled at her smile, only for his observation Haki to send him a warning as he got splashed with a bucket of freezing cold water.

His deadpan gaze met her amused ones as water dripped from his frame. "Was that really necessary?"

"I felt it was."

His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Then I shall defer to your wisdom."

She chuckled and put the bucket down a foot in front of him as she sat on it and leaned dangerously toward him. "Good, then maybe you will follow my wisdom some more when I tell you to share how you found my home, why you are here, who sent you, and how you got past every single trap I set up."

Jack eyed the clearly irate woman and sighed. He just couldn't have a break, could he? "Madame, I assure you this is a misunderstanding."

Her hand grabbed his chin as she stared into his eyes. "You expect me to believe that? After I find you bleeding out in MY kitchen. You're lucky I bandaged up that leg at all or you would be dead by now. I can make things much worse for you if you don't tell me what I want to know."

Jack was ready to tell her off but felt the cold edge of steel on his chin and dropped his gaze to see the woman holding a fucking machete that was not in her hand a second ago. 'Devil fruit?'

His eyes traveled back up to her own a bare second after, and he said the first thing on his mind. "Your eyes are enchanting."

Rindo's brow twitched as she huffed and leaned back. "Great, I've got one of those guys tied up in my house. Not my best day."

Jack's brow twitched in unison. "Oi! Don't go labeling me a degenerate woman, I woke up from an experience I quite never wish to have again only to find myself tied up like a meal about to go in the oven and see a vision of beauty staring me down. I'm allowed to be confused and aroused at the same time alright?"

Rindo paused at his words before she scoffed and chuckled with a slight blush. "You really are a charmer, should I fear for my chastity?"

Jack pulled on an affronted look. "Miss, I take offense to those words. I would never force myself on a lady."

Rindo held up a finger. "And yet I found you without pants in my kitchen, a kitchen belonging to a home with a sole female occupant, because….?"

Jack groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm telling you; this is a horrible misunderstanding."

Rindo didn't respond right away as she stared hard at his free arm. She had a decade of experience with tying up wild beasts; there was no way she messed up her work. "Maybe it is…." If he could free a hand without seemingly straining, what was stopping him from doing more?

He had her anger first, but now he had her interest. He seemed to realize he freed his hand a moment later and paused before sending her a sheepish look. "Ah, it seems the bounds slipped."

She snorted in response and lazily tossed her machete to cut through the rope tying it to the ceiling. Jack responded without missing a beat and tore his restraints to land on his feet in a crouch. Pain or no pain, he preferred landing on his feet.

Rindo hummed in confirmation and turned around. "There's a bathroom to your right and a change of clothes. Get cleaned up, I want my answers and I'll gas the room first if I have to." She really would.

She left the room before Jack could respond, and he was left staring at her swaying backside and flowing scarlet hair. "Be still my beating heart…." He shook his head and took her up on her offer. Running from a rampaging Big Mom for hours, getting shot at with lightning, sun fireballs, and giant Haki fuck off spear energy attacks didn't do his hygiene any favors.

Fifteen minutes later, he was refreshed, back in a form-fitting black suit tailored to his robust lithe frame with a red dress shirt and wearing a new pair of black gloves as he sat on a chair across from a curious Rindo.

"I don't recall leaving out a suit for you."

"You did not."

"Hm…"

Rindo eyed the enigma before her with open curiosity, long since used to eccentric people. "Who are you?"

Jack stood from his chair and gave a gentleman's bow. "Ah, I forgot the introduction. The name is Sir Jack my lady, what should I call your lovely self?"

Rindo was amused but waved a hand lazily. "Drop the showy shit dude, I get enough of that from my subordinates. Do you really not know the name of the persons home you broke into?"

Jack held up a gloved finger. "Again, I did not break in. That's a misunderstanding."

Rindo raised a brow. "What would you call it then?"

Jack pondered over his words. "I…. landed? Yes, I landed in your kitchen."

"Bleeding out?"

"I had a very angry woman chasing me."

"Oh, you don't say."

"Yes, Big Mom is not someone you want angry."

"Big Mom…?"

"Yes, yes, I know, strange name choice but she is an emperor."

Rindo gave him a concerned look. "You hit your head on your…. Landing?"

Jack shrugged. "Probably did but if it's my sanity your worried for, I assure you I left that behind many years ago."

Rindo eyed him for a long moment before sighing and rubbing the bridge of her nose. "It's like I'm back at school all over again."

"Oh? That sounds like a fun school."

Rindo smiled. "It was. Everything about Totsuki Academy was crazy."

Jack raised a brow. "Totsuki? Can't say I heard of that before. Which island is it on?"

"Island? Well, Japan I guess."

"Japan?"

The two stared off for a long moment in confusion. "I think we need to clarify a few things."

~Five minutes later~

"Oi, what the hell is Earth? You mean like dirt and stone? Why does your planet have a name?"

"Seriously? That's what you focus on? The Grand Line? New World? Marines and Pirates? Did you get delusional reading a manga?"

"How is that not common sense? And what the hell is a manga?"

"How can you not know what manga is? Your straight out of a storybook."

"Miss Rindo, I have a rich life story but there is no book on me. I think."

Rindo sighed and rubbed her forehead looking at the very handsome and charming delusional man she found in her home. "Ok, you know what, ignore everything. How did you get here?"

"I'm not entirely sure, my devil fruit should only be able to take me to places I've been to before."

"Your devil fruit….?"

~Five more minutes later~

"And you just eat one of these fruits, and get superhuman powers?"

"Yup. I've seen some truly strange paramecia types out there. Thankfully, I got lucky with mine."

"And you can just…. open doors wherever you want?"

"Indeed, the Door Door fruit is quite powerful utility wise."

"You really have lost your mind."

"Would you prefer a demonstration?"

"Go for it."

~five even more minutes later~

"Wow."

"Aha, I've left you speechless it seems. I was getting tired of your doubt."

"Oh shut up, what the fuck even is this shit? Am I the one who hit my head?"

"Well unless we both hit our heads and this is one crazy hallucination, I believe it to be reality."

"What even is reality."

"That's a question that needs more liquor."

"We havnt even been drinking."

"After the day I've had, that seems like the biggest problem here."

"Dude, you almost died."

"Yes, yes, a casual Tuesday in the New World, who is supplying the drinks?"

"Your world is fucked up man but I wouldn't say no to trying something from another world."

"Your accepting my theory of world travel quite easily."

"Nah, I'm pretty used to insanity all things considered, fuck off with logic and give me some new things to eat."

"Ma'am, I think I am in love."

"Nyaha~, I'm just that good. Now makey with the dimensional liquor, I'll make some food."

"You have my attention."

~One hour later~

Jack looked down at his shredded dress shirt in bafflement. "I have several questions."

Rindo looked down at her plate in wonderment. "Same."

Jack raised a gloveless finger. "Why did your food make my clothing explode yet leave me unharmed?"

Rindo waved a hand. "Forget that! What the fuck kind of fish was that?! How did it have so much flavor!"

Jack stood in shredded clothes for the second time in twenty four hours and shrugged before delving into the topic of the sea king he killed.

"A sixty foot long serpent the size of a ship?! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with your world?!"

"A lot. You living in a danger infested forest could be considered normal for my world."

"I think I'm in love."

"Why thank you, I know I'm quite the catch."

Rindo huffed and shoved his shoulder. "Not you, your world! It sounds like so much fun!"

Jack shrugged with a smile. "I can't say it's a bore for sure. Did I tell you how I even ended up here?"

"Something about a lady named Big Mom right? Why did she want to kill you again?"

"Ha, we need more liquor for this part. You teach me how you cooked that fillet and I'll talk."

"Deal!"

~One more hour later~

"An entire island out of a ginger bread house fairy tail…. Again, what the fuck is wrong with your world and how do I get there?"

"Hahaha, my lady, I would gladly bring you there, but you are kinda fleshy and fragile."

"Excuse me?!"

"Wo! Where the hell do you keep those machetes woman?! It's sorta my thing to sprout giant fuck off blades, don't steal my mojo."

"I've been doing it since freshman year of high school, bite me."

"I will gladly do so, I've been doing it since I was fourteen."

"So the same age?"

The two stared off with a spark of electricity following the tension.

"There is only one way to settle this."

"First one to drop loses."

"Bring it boyo, I've been drinking grown men under the table for years."

"Ha! I fought the Munch Munch user and won!"

"I have no idea what that is."

"Ah, right. Well it's a fruit that…."

~Two final hours later~

"That's fucked up man.. hic…. you had a rough life."

"No, no, hic, what kind of school life is that?"

The two leaned against each other on Rindo's balcony with a trail of empty plates and liquor bottles around them as they talked about their lives.

Rindo was endlessly curious about Jack's world and life, and Jack likewise the same. But more than that, the two talked nonstop about food more than anything else.

Jack wouldn't stop till he tried every exotic dish Rindo had in her kitchen; likewise, she tore through the storage he kept in his door dimension for everything edible he had.

Barriers were torn down in a single day as two souls with the same passion met and shared a lifetime of experience from rapidly different environments.

And when the sun rose the following day, it shone down on two passed out forms. Jack passed out face first on the table, with Rindo passed out on the couch beside him under a collection of bottles.

The first of many meetings between the two as their colorful lives were just getting started.

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AN: Thoughts?

On the one hand, I want to make him travel solo for fun. But on the other, I want to form a group of hilarious crack-inducing female characters to join him. Rindo (Shokugeki) – Charmy (black clover) – Luna (Harry Potter) – Akame (Akame ga kill) – Bob (Defective house elf with a yandere OCD cleaning obsession and doesn't cook at all.)