AN: I'm so sorry it took so long for me to get this done! Between schoolwork and Writer's Block, this poor story was stuck in limbo. But now, the schoolwork is done, and Spring Break is rapidly approaching!! So huzzah, and thank you all for your patience! I'll be able to write more, and hopefully y'all won't have to wait this long between updates again. So, faithful readers, without further ado, read on!

Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers, unless you count the videotapes stacked in my closet (and I don't think they count...)

* Chapter * 12 *


Slowly, grudgingly, consciousness began to creep up on Filia. She groaned slightly, still unwilling to open her eyes. Dimly, she was aware that her head was resting on something soft and warm.

Maybe it was all a dream,' she thought, hoping that when she opened her eyes, she would see sunlight streaming through her window and the events of the past few weeks would dissolve like so much fog burned away by the morning sun.

Reluctantly, one blue eye peeked open, and she realized that there was no sunlight; only dark, cold stone. Groaning, she sat up, rubbing her cheek where it had been resting on...Xellos' stomach!? Filia snapped back to herself in an instant, and was about to start in on a tirade, when she noticed that the Mazoku was not looking particularly healthy. A quick glance around the cave revealed that she and Xellos were apparently the only ones present... though where the others could have gotten to was a mystery to the Ryuuzoku.

How dare they leave me alone here with this namagomi! she groused, torn as to what she should do. Should she try and find the others? Should she leave Xellos? Should she try and help the Mazoku? A sudden groan from the purple-haired priest drew her attention back to him. Violet eyes fluttered open and met hers.

he groaned, sounding not at all like himself. Filia took stock of the situation. While the priest didn't have any apparent wounds, she could sense that the energy of his aura was significantly weaker than usual (the human equivalent of being sickly pale).

What happened here? Filia demanded, a slight quaver in her voice. Xellos managed a small shrug as his eyes slid shut again.

I don't know. Last thing I was aware of was being attacked from the astral plane, then looking into those pretty blue eyes of yours, he said, the barest hint of his usual teasing tone present in his voice. Filia huffed, but couldn't bring herself to snap at the Mazoku in his obviously weakened condition. Almost reflexively, she smoothed his hair out of his face. At her touch, the priest's eyes snapped open in obvious surprise.

Such a lovely shade of purple,' Filia mused before she remembered who it was she was thinking about. Pouting, she silently griped at him for making his human form so damn... ATTRACTIVE! He's a Mazoku, an evil parasite that feeds off of pain and fear...but why must he wear such an infuriatingly handsome mask? I think a part of me keeps hoping that if I hit him hard enough with mace-sama, it really WILL break his face, and he won't be able to hide behind that damned comely facade!' Filia's thoughts were interrupted by a slight groan from Xellos. She looked down at him and noted that his energy was returning, albeit much slower than it should have. She noted that was rather odd, since part of her mind reasoned that he'd be able to get a decent meal off of the angst she was radiating.

I hate this!' she thought, her chest twisting in on itself as she gazed down at the helpless Mazoku. I hate HIM! I do! I have to! He's Mazoku, he's evil... he's saved my life when he could have let me die... But... but I'm sure he had some devious reason, I'm sure he needed to use me... yes, to break the barriers to reach the final Darkstar weapon! But...he didn't know about those when he saved me... And when he was injured fighting Valgaav... he showed weakness, he let me help him... He wasn't the smug Mazoku bastard, that damned smiling priest that he always shows himself to be. He was genuine....' her thoughts trailed off as she gazed down at him again, and she felt a pleasant warmth spreading in her chest. Her eyes flew open when she realized what was happening.

NO! He wasn't! He can't be! How can he be? Can he be? Could he be something other than what he shows, something other than that thin layer of cunning that sometimes shows beneath that damn mask? I don't know who he is, I don't know what he thinks, but there's just something in the moments of kindness... In those moments where he seems sincere... That's when I hate him the most! He's not ALLOWED to be sincere! He's Mazoku! He's the murderer of countless Golden Dragons! He's Xellos, the General Priest of one of the five dark lords! How can he be sincere, how can he... How dare he save me! How dare he make me feel... DAMN THAT MASK OF HIS!' she thought, her chest twisting, tears brimming in her eyes. Her throat was clenched with emotions, anger, hatred, respect, and confusion ...and something else. Something she hated, but was not hate. Something she feared more than Darkstar, more than anything. An emotion she denied, she stuffed down. Something that had started as compassion, as understanding; but had grown, as much as she had fought it. She hated it, hated herself for allowing it. Hate, love, love, hate, burning inside her, wrenching tears from her eyes and a hoarse cry from her throat.

DAMN YOU! she screamed. Damn you, I hate you! I hate you for being what you are, you stupid bastard! I hate you! Get out of my head, get out of my heart! Damn you to the depths of the blackest hell! I hate you! How dare you!? How dare you!? How... how...!? she choked on the words. She choked on her rage and fear and self loathing. She looked down at him, choked again on the words, but before she completely dissolved into tears, a mass of shivering, convulsing confusion and fear, she finally managed to choke out the last words, the words she hated herself for even thinking, much less saying.

How dare you make me love you...


* * *


Xellos saw the world flash to black for an instant, and then back to normal again. In that instant, though, his comrades had all fallen to the ground, and Koutero had disappeared. Actually, it was more like Koutero had never existed. Xellos couldn't sense the crazy Mazoku's energy signature anywhere. And that was what tipped him off. He smirked slightly.

This world isn't real, he muttered to himself. It's an illusion. Otherwise, a trace of his energy would remain. I don't know how he managed this, but it's really quite impressive, Xellos mused. Now, to break out of this little mental trap. He was startled by a sudden peal of laughter from behind him. He spun, his staff raised in a defensive position, to find himself face to face with... Filia? She wore an expression much like Xellos' own usual mask, with her eyes upturned and a know-it-all smirk on her face. The golden dragon laughed again. Xellos raised an eyebrow.

What's so funny? he asked.

That you think you can get out of here! she said, giggling. Xellos narrowed his eyes.

Why is that so funny?

Because even Mazoku can't escape themselves forever! And that's what this place is! A reflection of yourself, your fears! Filia said. Xellos smirked again.

But that would require me having a fear to face, now wouldn't it? he said. Filia opened her eyes, and Xellos was surprised momentarily to see that her cool blue eyes now had Mazoku slit-pupils. This place isn't real, and neither is she. It's all just an illusion created by Koutero.'

Yes and Wrong! Filia said, still grinning. You DO have fears to face, and this place is not created by Koutero, it's created by you!

Xellos asked, confused by Filia's Mazoku eyes and apparent ability to read his mind. Of course, she is an illusion within my mind, so perhaps that allows her to know my thoughts,' he mused.

You created this place. You are the only one who knows your true fears, so of course you must be the one to create this reality. Koutero only provided the means, Filia replied. Xellos chuckled.

What fear? I know this isn't real, nothing here can touch me, why should I fear? Filia grinned at him, bearing elongated fangs, her blue-slit eyes open wide.

Fear exists only in the mind. We are in your mind. I know what you fear. And I know how to make you feel it. With that, Filia darted forward and tackled Xellos around the waist, moving so quickly that the priest had no time to react, and she knocked him to the ground.

When she touched him, a floodgate opened. A wave of... guilt? washed over him. He gasped at the sudden rush of emotion, but it quickly faded as Filia stood up. The golden dragon stood over Xellos, grinning that knowing grin. Xellos' eyes were open in surprise.

What was that? he muttered. Filia's grin broadened.

That was you. Your well-hidden, masked, denied emotion. Part of it, anyway. There's so much more to it, she purred, kneeling beside his head. She brushed her fingers across his forehead, and another surge of feeling washed over him. It was...caring. Caring for Lina and her troupe. For that insane bunch of humans, so loyal to each other, even sharing some of their friendship with Xellos himself, though for all they knew he could never feel it, could never reciprocate. Yet they allowed themselves to feel it anyway. Xellos knew, he could sense it, taste it. Even Zelgadis had a strange kind of a respect for him. And a part of Xellos had never liked being unable to return their friendship truly. Of course, the biggest part of him delighted in their bickering, their rage and anger and frustrations... But he could never fully be rid of that tiny, nagging, emotional part of him, the part of him that cared.

This is your fear, Xellos, Filia murmured, her icy Mazoku eyes staring into his amethyst ones. Her fingers traced a line down his cheek and brushed across his lips. And it was suddenly as if a jolt of electricity had run through him. Pain...not the kind of pain from a physical or astral attack, but a different kind of pain, a pain he couldn't defend against... a pain from within.

he whispered.

I really am one of the only people who can truly crack that mask of yours, aren't I, she whispered sweetly, ducking her face so that her breath tickled Xellos' cheek. I get under that fake skin, I prick you, the real you, not that mask. I get real reaction from you. And that is unforgivable, isn't it? Isn't that why you try and annoy me so much? To get the upper hand, to prove to both of us that I have no power over you? But I always get you back anyway, you never keep the upper hand. Her breath was tickling as she spoke ever so softly in his ear, whispering those damned truths that he kept locked away, in a box within a box within a box, tucked into the darkest pockets of his Mazoku soul, whispering them to him, to the front of his mind. It didn't matter that he knew this was all an illusion, it didn't matter, because he knew the truth.

His precious secrets. He kept them well. Even from himself. But even Xellos could not hide from the Truth that was breathing warmth onto his neck, was touching his face, forcing him to confront the emotions he had so long kept well hidden.

He knew the truth. He had always known that emotions had lain, locked away within himself. But he had never truly Known them. Whether this world was illusion or reality didn't matter. The emotions were within himself. And now he couldn't hide that from his consciousness any longer.


* * *


Faith awoke slowly, aware only of darkness around her and cold stone beneath her. Groaning slightly, she sat up, trying to look around in the pitch darkness.

I don't ever remember my cave being this dark, she murmured. Nothing happened. Confusion and nervousness shot through Faith as she tried the spell again, still without luck. By now, though, her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could make out the rock formations around her. But she appeared to be all alone in the cave. There was no sign of Lina and the rest. She couldn't sense Xellos or Filia, or even Koutero. What in the hells is going on here? she murmured.

Carefully, she got to her feet and made her way towards the mouth of the cave. Even in the darkness, she managed not to stumble, since she knew every inch of this cave as if it were an extension of herself... which it basically was. Finally, she saw the dim light ahead that signaled to her that she was nearing the opening. There was still no sign of the others. Her mind turned over all the possibilities of what could have happened. Maybe they had all left her behind... No, Amber and Raven wouldn't have done that, and Faith didn't believe Lina and the others really would have either. Maybe they had all been killed? But then, wouldn't she have sensed the residual energy from the battle? And why would she have been left alive? Where could they all be? And, why weren't her spells working? It made no sense.

By now, the half-breed had made her way to the mouth of the cave, and, shielding her eyes against the brightness of the sunlight, she stepped out. Finally, her eyes adjusted to the glare, and she was able to look at her surroundings.

And time froze.

The forest was no longer green. It was black and brown, a vision of death and decay. There was no sound except the mournful howl of the wind, and the sounds of Faith's own breathing and heartbeat. No birds, no insects, no nothing. No life. No color except brown, black, and the cold gray of stone and sky. A swell of panic bubbled up in Faith's chest, and the only coherent thought she could muster was to go check to see how far out this damage spread.

Ray Wing! she cried...to no avail. Frustrated and frightened, she tried again, with the same results. Nothing. She began to run through every spell she could think of, but nothing worked. Out of desperation, she tried a spell of her own making.

Golden powers from the corners of my soul! Come forth and lend me thy strength! She felt the rush of Ryuuzoku power fill her, and she screamed, a blue beam of light shooting from her mouth. Then, as quickly as it had come, the Ryuuzoku energy receded and Faith's internal balance was restored. She quickly recited the other version of the spell. Powers of darkness from the shadows of my soul! Come forth and lend me thy strength! And now, the cold, dark, familiar rush of Mazoku power flooded her, and she sent out a wave of black energy.

How come those spells work, but no others? I can draw power from myself, but none of the other sources.... she trailed off as a terrible thought occurred to her. You can't draw power from a source that no longer exists, she whispered, fear building up inside her, causing her hands to tremble and her knees to grow weak. Does that mean that all the gods, the monsters, and the Earth herself are dead? But that can't be! Why can I only draw energy from myself? she said, choking slightly on the words and fear. Is everything else gone, dead? Am I completely alone... Her eyes flew open wide in panic. My Cave...!

She turned, stumbling, and ran back into the cave, reaching out with her mind in an attempt to find that warm comfort that had been her only way of staying sane over the centuries. Her mind stretched and strained in the darkness, searching for some flicker of light, some warmth, some life. But there was nothing.

And that was when she knew. The world was dead. Everything was dead. She was completely and utterly alone.

She didn't know how she was still alive, or why. She didn't care. She was sick with fear, loneliness, an aching, burning in her chest that made her feel as though she was on the verge of either vomiting or simply exploding. She wanted to explode, ease this ache in her chest, this devouring pain, terrible emptiness. She was going to starve to death...no physical food to eat, no emotions to sustain her. She would die cold and alone, sick and terrified. She crumpled to the cold stone floor, arms wrapped around herself, trying to stave off the sickness, the fear, the tears which poured from her eyes. She didn't even know when she'd started crying. She didn't care. She still flailed about with her mind, desperately looking for something, some life, some flicker of existence besides herself, groping blindly in the dark in sheer panic.

And then, she felt a familiar tickle at the back of her mind.


End Notes: Ok, waddya think? Like it, hate it, think I'm an evil sadistic bitch? Review, it only takes a moment! Please? ^_^