Chapter 5

Teh Arbiter

Well after I pounded my wall because I died for the 1,000th time on Legendary, I will now bring in TEH ARBITER!

It was dark. His vision was blurred and he couldnt see much. He saw himself being dragged by two Brutes down a jail. Worse, he was naked. Now if you were being dragged by two Brutes down a Jail while you have no clothes on, you would think EPAR (read backwards). But since this is PG13, that wont happen. He tried to remember his name. His brain tried to remember, but Bungie didnt give him one, so it was futile. Meanwhile, the two Brutes were complaining. "Why not toss him in with those Jackals?" said one. Three Jackals in a cell then leaped up onto the cell bars screeching "WE'RE KOO KOO FOR COCA PUFFS! GIVE US SOME DAMN COCA PUFFS!".

"Well, what about us?" asked the second Brute. "My belly aches, and his flesh is seared just the way I like it". The Ship Master shuddered, having a complement about his flesh from a Brute doesnt go to well with him...or anyone for that fact. "Quiet!" said Tarturus, who led the group. "You two whimper like Grunts fresh off the teat".

"But we're hungry..." whined a Brute. Tarturus then turned around, picked up the Brute, and threw him in with the three Jackals. "COCA PUFFS!" said the trio and enveloped on the Brute. "He's not meant for the Jails" said Tarturus. "The Hierarchs have something special in mind" he said and opened a door to the Prophet's chambers. The Ship Master then thought about it. 'The Hierarchs have something special in mind'. Was he going to be the hero for the Covenant, be forgiven by his heresy, and lead the Elites to victory?

"Nah" thought the Ship Master.

Soon Tarturus, the two Brutes, the one who miracously escaped the Three Jackal jail cell was bleeding profusely, dragged the Ship Master to the Prophets of Speak and Hear. The Prophets were talking about something that had to do with "When I was in World War 2..." but the Ship Master couldnt tell.

"Noble Prophets of Speak and Hear" said Tarturus in a kissing ass tone "I have brought the incompentent". Speak, who usually loved having his ass kissed by everyone, including Hear, was not fazed. "You may leave Tarturus". The Brute was surprised, he havent given Speak his daily foot massage or back rub yet. Why did he have to leave? Was he seeing that Ship Master? Cheating on Tarturus for that Elite? He wouldnt find out, because the author does not want this fic turned into a 2:00 afternoon soap opera dammit!

As Tartarus left, the Ship Master was on his knees, holding his chest where Tartarus roasted him. 'This is some heartburn' he thought. Then he realized that Speak was talking to him.

"The Council has decided for you to be hung by your entrails and your corpse to be paraded through out the city, but I need to finish my Master Plan, so ultimately the terms of your exectuion are up to me. I could do anything I want with you. Light you on fire, hit you with a snowplow, make you do acts of pleasure, hit you with a toy hammer, crap on my hands and throw it at you, BUT The Great Road Trip has to be fufilled!".

"Im already dead" said The Ship Master, and lied down on the floor, playing dead. "Get up" said Speak. "No Im dead" replied the Ship Master. So after 5 minutes of "Get ups" and "IM DEAD. DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!" The Ship Master got back on his knees, finding out that The Simpsons had already done that trick.

"Do you know where we are?" asked Speak. "Uhhhh...the Smithsonian?" replied the Ship Master. "No, the masouleim of TEH ARBITER!" said Speak "Each one created and consumed by the times of crisis." Finally, Hear woke up from his 5 miniute coma and spoke, "The taming of The Hunters, The Grunt Rebellion, Ashley Simpsons lip syncing on SNL, The Clinton/Monica Lewensky scandal, The last episode of Star Wars, and the end of NYPD Blue." said Hear, "Were it not for teh Arbiters, the Covenant would've broken long ago".

"Even on my knees I am not worthy in their presence" said the Ship Master. Speak then came up to him and revealed a plot twist. "The Council was, and is, idiotic in its decisions, much like the United States Congress. We know you are no heretic", The Ship Master then thought of something. "Then why did you brand me with the Mark of Shame?" Then, Marty O Donnell jumped down and yelled "PLOT CONVIENENCE!" before The Honor Guards beat the living crap out of him.

Speak then went to his holoprojector. "THIS is the true face of heresy" and activated the holoprojector to reveal an interesting part of the Playboy channel. "Oops, wrong button" said Speak and pushed another button to reveal the Heretic Leader saying stuff about 'The Prophets are false' and 'Bush is a liar' and also 'Free Hat!'.

"That Heretic, and those who follow him, must be silenced...as in killed...as in not alive anymore...as in cutting open their flesh and letting all of the bloo-" The Ship Master interuptted "I get it" he said. "But what use am I? I can no longer command ships, lead troops into battle, shoot a gun, kill something, eat, sleep, drink".

"Not as you are, no" said Speak, "BUT become Teh Arbiter, and you will be unleashed against thus heresy with our blessing". Ship Master thought about it, then said "Do I get free health insurance?"

"Yes"

"INCLUDING Dental?"

"Yes"

Ship Master thought about it again and said "Ok, but I better not betrayed and be left to die". "Oh you wont" said Speak, crossing his fingers behind his hoverchair.

Three Phantoms now sped towards the giant gas ball that the remains of the first Halo orbited, with the High Charity fleet behind them. In those Phantoms contained Spec Ops Elites, the ODST of the Covenant. But they're not only as stupid as the Marine AI, they have Grunts who crap themselves everytime they see a puppy. "Fun Fun" said the Arbiter. The Spec Ops commander, Half Jaw, was saying something about loyalty to the Covenant and the pledge of alliegence to the flag before approaching The Arbiter. "This Armor suits you" he said, "but it cannot hide that mark". The Arbiter looked at his chest and saw that the Arbiter's armor chest plate thingy covered it. "You can't see it though, its like a fat lady wearing a thong, you can never find it".

"Uh...right" said Half Jaw, trying to clear that image out of his head. "But anyways, you are Teh Arbiter, the will of the Prophets. But these are my retarded Elites, I can only feed them through a feeding tube. Their lives matter to me. Yours does not".

"How sweet of you, maybe you can send a box of chocolates and mail it to my ass, Im sure it'll thank you for it".

As the trio of Dropships approached the Forerunner facility, Tartarus, who accompanied the Spec Ops group for god knows why, alerted the group. "Leader! There is no doubt, the storm will strike the facility!". Half Jaw replied, "Gee, I think that all of the dust and gas blowing everywhere could've, I dont know, ANNOUNCED the storm? Jesus now I know why Katrina happened".

Soon, the Phantoms unloaded their Elites and Grunts and The Arbiter onto the facility. The Arbiter soon ignited an Energy Sword and was pleased. But he was soon sad when Bungie put a battery on a friggin Sword. Arbiter checked his Plasma Rifle, and decided to switch it for a Grunt's Fuel Rod Cannon. As he did this, the Grunt got all pissed and said "Ohh, me Arbiter, me greedy bitch!". Arbiter punted the Grunt off the facility, because no one calls a kiss ass of the Prophets a greedy bitch.

The Elites infiltrated the Facility's entrance, and hacked a door. "Engage Active Camoflage! Reveal yourselfs only after the Arbiter has joined the battle with the enemy or if one of the Grunts craps themselves again." Soon all of the Spec Ops group dissappeared and ran out of the door outside. The Arbiter shrugged, he could take on Chuck Norris and win.

He activated his Camo and stepped in to see a Heretic Elite walking by with a Carbine. Arbiter snuck behind him, yelled "PEEK A BOO, I SEE YOU!", and smashed the Elites neck/spine area. He picked up the Carbine, tested it out on some sleeping Grunts and said "I will call you...Sara".

The Arbiter arrived at the hangar with a big Serpath Fighter in it. Along the way, two Spec Ops Elites accompanied him down the elevator to the hangar. "Sentenials! The Holy Warriors of the Sacred Rings!" said an Elite, "Why have they sided with these Heretics?".

"Gee, maybe its because the Sentinals aren't holy and that they're AI constructs programmed to contain the Parasite and that they know what Halo's true purpose is". But the Elites didn't listen, as the Sentinals...TURNED THEM INTO A MELTING PIECE OF...uh...MELTING PIECE OF STUFF.

So The Arbiter plundered through the Facility, killing Elites, Grunts, and Sentinals. He picked up a Sentinal Beam and fired it at an Elite, who obivously could not avoid a beam of light that sears off the flesh like skinning a turkey because he was dicking around with an Nintendo DS. Fucking Nintendo, with their shit Gamecube. Arbiter continued on with his Carbine and Sword, and got to a sort of landing area for Banshees. There he found the Heretic Leader. Arbiter knocked on the glass, called him obscene names, and flicked him off, but he didn't see Arbiter, he just got into a Banshee and flew off, leaving alot of Elites and Grunts to deal with.

"The Arbiter! You are a perfect example of how people are blinded by organized religion and Brad/Angelina's pregancy shit that no one cares about except people who will to be Celebritiy's bitches! We shall reveal the truth to this entire plot and why Bungie are idiots for making this sequel such suckiness!".

The Arbiter, however, does not like long speeches. This isnt MGS, this is Halo! So Arbiter threw a Plasma Grenade while the Elite was talking and flew off in a Banshee. The Elite finished his speech, but didn't see the Arbiter. He did see a shiny blue light on his arm. "Ooo, pretty!" he said, and attempted to wear it as a necklace before it BLEW UP.

Now the Arbiter flew around in a Banshee, waiting for the Top Gun theme to come on, when he suddenly noticed the Phantom come in. Tartarus looked at the Banshee, and considered to ram it. he decided not to, since he wanted Speak to love him again. Tartarus started to drool over the thought of it, leaving Seventy Heretic Banshees chasing the Arbiter. Arbiter now had Seventy Enemy Aircraft and little Grunts with Fuel Rods. The Grunts saw the Banshee, and their command yelled "FIRE!" All Seven Grunts fired their fuel rods, only to have the Fuel Rod...energy...things...fall down on them. DOH!

Arbiter soon thought: "This Banshee is bull crap!". So the author broke the barrier between Halo and Star Wars, stole an X-Wing from Luke Skywalker, and gave it to Arbiter. The Arbiter was now in joy as he blew the shit out of every single Banshee in the level. One Banshee, however, was still flying. The pilot thought that a death by laser bolts and flame was too much. So he yelled "KAMAKAZE!" and crashed his Banshee into a wall.

After he landed his X-Wing, Arbiter soon purged the platform of all Grunts with no mercy. He slaped a Grunt, killing it instantly. He poked another Grunt in the ribs, breaking its rib cage and penetrating its lungs. Arbiter then broke a Grunt's back by rubbing it's spine. Arbiter enjoyed killing Grunts, but he couldn't do that for too long. Bungie had other plans. They were TAKING OVER THE WORLD BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Uh...anyways...

Soon, the Arbiter headed to the door of the game's next level. He had a feeling that this one had an elevator full of enemies. 'Dammit Bungie! Make the levels more better!". But his plea fell on deaf hears, because the guys at Bungie CAN'T HEAR A GODDAMN WORD HALO FANS SAY.

That is all. Stay tuned for TEH ORACLE!