Disclaimer: The song is Evanescence's Tourniquet.
Kagome looked at her reflection in the metal surface of the blade, her own purple eyes staring back at her. A demon's eyes, like Sesshoumaru's. Kagome immediately tilted the razor so she could not see herself. She did not want to analyze the mysterious emotion in Sesshoumaru's aurulent eyes; afraid she would conclude that the sentiment was disgust or annoyance.
Her thoughts then returned to Kikyo, and Kagome closed her eyes tightly, as if to block out the memory. But the words continued to repeat in her mind. Kagome felt so shattered. She just wanted to pain to go away.
Had Kagome's mind been as clear and sharp as usual, she would have realized that with her demonic healing abilities, death would not come to her. But as she was—exhausted, embarrassed, emotionally aggrieved—her bathwater became a rosy pink in her vain attempts to gain at least the temporary bliss of unconsciousness. The oblivion never came as her wounds rapidly healed and her blood was quickly replenished.
She finally gave up, having failed yet again, and returned to her room. Kagome stayed awake writing until dawn, trying to order her muddled thoughts as she expressed herself in the best way she knew. As the first rays of the sun shone through her bedroom window, Kagome settled into her bed and sought solace in the journals of her father.
Kagome could not recall when she had fallen asleep, but she knew what had woken her: her sense of duty. She had to go to band practice. Though she wished only for the peace of dreamless sleep, if she was to remain living in this world, she had responsibilities that she could not shirk.
Kagome forced herself to rise, shower, dress and make her appearance human. She grabbed a quick snack and left early, just in case Kikyo came to offer her another ride. Kagome did not want to be alone with her cousin at the moment. She did not know what to think about Kikyo anymore.
When she arrived, Sango was already there. Sango rushed to meet her friend but she slowed her dash when she neared Kagome. "Are you all right, Kagome?"
Kagome knew the smile she offered was weak, so as cover she inquired about Sango's date. Sango immediately began to chatter about her rendezvous. And though Sango complained of several hentai moves on Miroku's part, Kagome could tell that Sango had enjoyed herself. Kagome's smile became more real, she was truly happy for her friend.
Kagome was relieved to find that the music sheet she had left was still at her keyboard. She was further comforted when Sesshoumaru neither said anything about the day before nor treated her any differently.
Once everyone had arrived, the group decided on the song arrangements for Friday before they began practicing. They did not rest until dinner, for which they called out and ordered.
While waiting for their meal to be delivered, all the band members except Kagome went to relax in the living room of the large house. She remained behind at her keyboard.
As the door closed behind the last person, Kagome ran her fingertips lightly over the keys in an almost loving caress, not pressing hard enough to make any sound. She sighed softly. She had been somewhat distracted during practice. Perhaps seeing Kikyo, not to mention Sesshoumaru, had diverted her attention.
Kagome reached into her bag and pulled out a song born from the early hours of the morning and deep despair.
Kagome readied her fingers on the keyboard, and in her mind she could hear the accompanying bass and drum parts that opened the song. The voices of the backup singers joined occasionally.
She soon closed her eyes. Unlike during practice, she did not have to pretend to read the music she had committed to memory because she had written it. The words flowed passionately from within her. All of her songs came from her heart, but this one reflected from the bottom of her soul in one of her darkest hours.
- - - - - - - - -
As everyone found a seat, Sango noticed they were missing one person. "Where's Kagome?" she asked no one in particular. She received shrugs and uncaring looks in answer.
"Probably still practicing," offered Kouga. "She's been kinda off today." They had all noticed.
"I'll go get her," Sango informed them before leaving.
Shortly after, Sesshoumaru stood and exited through a different door, giving no explanation at all.
- - - - - - - - -
Sesshoumaru had come to the conclusion that Kagome was the creator of Kikyo's songs. He had thought the different colored pen to be simply a result of Kikyo's hubris. He now realized the more likely explanation was Kikyo's lack of ability to read music and know her own part.
With the writing of the music sheets being identical to the note cards Kikyo had possessed, Sesshoumaru knew that Kagome was also the author of the debate speech. Kikyo, of course, would not want such information to be publicly known, for her status would drop, which clarified somewhat her outburst of the previous day.
Left unexplained was why Kikyo had been so adamant about Kagome remaining silent and hidden. The only plausible solution he could construe was that Kikyo feared her cousin besting her. For such a fear to be reasonable, Kagome would have to possess skills better than Kikyo, and Kikyo would have to have knowledge of such abilities.
Once such talent he believed was Kagome's voice, but he had not heard enough to be certain.
In wondering why Kagome succumbed to her cousin, he quickly deduced that Kikyo had taken advantage of Kagome's kindness and manipulated their relationship.
Sesshoumaru had had to determine his own role in the interaction between Kikyo and Kagome, and he had come to the unpleasant conclusion that he had little standing in the current situation. He was not personally close to either female, and so had no right to interfere. A scene like that of the day before would not be acceptable, but he otherwise resigned himself to the role of spectator, though he would certainly keep a close eye on the two.
When Sango had brought attention to Kagome's absence, he had waited only a moment before taking a different route than Sango to discover what the younger cousin was doing.
Piano playing struck his ears followed by the singing voice from before.
- - - - - - - - -
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
She continued to play, unaware of her audience.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied, Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide
More music followed the final words, but Kagome felt drained, and ceased her playing. Her concert posture became lax, but she felt slightly better after releasing the words as she had.
"Kagome?"
Kagome instantly turned toward the voice to see Sango approaching slowly.
- - - - - - - - -
Sesshoumaru had been captivated by her voice, as well as the utter sadness and implications hidden behind the words.
He observed attentively as Sango advanced to stand before Kagome. Then Sango voiced the question he also desired an answer to. "Kagome, is that song… true?"
Kagome remained silent, which was just as condemning as an affirmative reply.
He could sense Sango's attention drop to Kagome's covered forearms. Hesitantly, Sango reached forward. Kagome made no move to stop her, though her arms remained with her wrists facing the floor.
Sango removed the arm warmers and turned Kagome's unresisting arms to view the underside. "Kagome," Sango said softly, her voice watery.
Sango wrapped her arms around her friend tightly. After a moment, Kagome brought her marred arms up and returned the embrace.
Before she did, Sesshoumaru's sharp eyes saw clearly the newly healing cuts. Long, deep, and still an angry red. Despite his distance from the stage, Sesshoumaru noticed something Sango had not—the nearly invisible scars that proved Kagome had made an attempt on her own life before.
Never before had he harbored such a strong desire to comfort, and he had no idea how to do so. For the first time in countless years, Sesshoumaru did not know what to do.
As he watched, Kagome allowed Sango to cry on her shoulder. "It's all right, Sango," Kagome murmured soothingly.
"It's not all right," Sango sobbed. "I'm your friend, and I didn't even notice you were hurting. Just this morning I was rambling about my date—"
"Which I wanted to hear about. Honestly, Sango, seeing you happy made me feel better."
"But… but you…tried to…"
"I can't die that easily," Kagome replied cryptically. "I'm here with you right now, aren't I?
"Kagome, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I hold nothing against you. Now just take a deep breath and try to calm down."
Sango did as she was told before releasing a strangled chuckle. "Again, you're the one offering comfort when you're the one who needs it." She paused. "You won't try again… will you?"
Kagome gave a small but encouraging smile. "I'll try not to." Sesshoumaru could tell that Kagome did not want to make a promise she might not keep, and he worried despite himself. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
Sango nodded and finally detached herself from her friend. "Kagome." The girl looked up from retrieving her arm warmers to see Sango smiling. "You really do have a beautiful voice."
Kagome returned the smile. "Thanks, Sango."
"I'm serious, Kagome. You're way better than Kikyo. You should be lead singer."
Kagome was silent a moment before she spoke. "Sango, promise you won't tell anyone about this."
"What? Any of it? But, Kagome, you're such a great singer and…" Realization hit her. "You've been writing all of those songs, haven't you?"
"Promise you won't tell. Please."
Seeing the beseeching face Kagome presented, Sango relented. "Okay. But at least tell me why."
Kagome looked away. "I need to work out something between Kikyo and me."
"You'll have to tell them sometime."
"Yeah, I know."
"Just as long as you do." Sango wrapped an arm around Kagome's shoulders. "Let's go, I bet the food's here by now, and I'm a mess."
Sesshoumaru rejoined the rest of the band, silently contemplated his uncharacteristic feelings. His outwardly stoic demeanor never wavered, though, even when the two girls appeared.
He subtly watched Kagome as she acted as if nothing had happened, undoubtedly like she had after the last time, the time when the now barely visible scars were still fresh and raw. He could not refrain from questioning if Sango was enough to prevent another of Kagome's descents into depression. And he wondered at his worry that she would one day succeed in her anguished aim.
Yet amidst all the angst, Sesshoumaru still remembered her singing, her enchanting voice.
Pyra-Vamp-Chick: Here is more, as requested. And still more to come. Thanks for reviewing!
Death Phoenix: As asked for, I updated, and I shall continue to do so. Thank you for the review!
MadMood: I agree. Hopefully that day will come soon. Thanks for the review!
PinkGrenade: Yes, it is unexpected of her. I explained partially about that in this chapter, but do not fear. The Kagome we know is not entirely lost. Thank you very much for reviewing!
Kakiomae: Thank you! I think chapter answered part of your review. Kagome will probably be regaining her more fiery nature soon.
Fluffyluva246: Thanks so much! I am so pleased you think so. And I am a member of Single Spark as well.
Tensaiga: Do not worry, Kagome is just tired and confused, and a bit surprised. Wouldn't you be, if the person you had trusted all your life suddenly treated you with such obvious cruelty? Just wait until the shock wears off… Anyway, thank you for reviewing!
AvaKay100: I am so glad you like my story. Kagome's true form will not be revealed for several more chapters, or so I am currently planning. Thank you so much for the review!
Sesshie's Black Dominatrix: You are right. You may have noticed I made a slight reference to what you have been saying. It is for kind reviewers like you that I want to make my stories as best as I possibly can. I do freely admit that I write for myself as well. When I first began I wrote only for myself, but when I began posting I always proof read, no matter how much longer I have to stay awake, to try and please my readers, which, in turn pleases me. Showing appreciation for appreciation, I suppose. A long response for a long review, lol, not that I mind. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Elegant Enchantress: I am glad you hear you are happy with the story so far. I hope it continues to please. Thank you for reviewing!
cuttie-blossom: I hope this was a decent pace for you. I'm glad you hear you're enjoying the story. Thanks for the review!
Kagome21: I love that song, too. Frankly, I cannot even imagine Kikyo writing it, lol. I hope you liked this chapter as well. Thanks for reviewing!