Disclaimer: I do not own ALIAS. But as a U.S. citizen I have the right to make fun of said show. Go free speech!
Note: This was originally an intermission piece for "Spy Meets World" but I decided it was time this puppy was fending for itself.
Mawage Counsawing
Jack and Irina walked into CIA headquarters and wasted no time in finding an innocent soul to torture. They found themselves in luck when they spotted Kendall.
"Hey baldie," Irina said.
Kendall, looking pissed, (as he always does when he has to deal with his favorite ex-KGB assassin who makes fun of his bald head) just nodded his head and kept mumbling his mantra under his breath.
"One more day and I'll be rid of her. One more day and she'll be dead." Now he turned to address Spy Daddy and Mommy.
"I have a very dangerous mission for you. It is highly likely that you won't survive."
All of the sudden cheers were heard all over the room, followed by chords of hallelujah. One look from the two "soon to be corpses" shut the festivities down though. Turning back towards their boss, who was doing his own little happy jig, Irina and Jack wondered what could be so dangerous.
Jack thought, (yes he does think!) "They're not making us go to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon, are they?"
Meanwhile, a bubble appeared over Irina's head that read, "I wonder if I can move up my manicure appointment. Nobody likes a dead corpse with bad nails."
Kendall, realizing that the camera is not on him at the moment, leaned over and popped Irina's bubble, startling the two jumpy spies. "Now that I have your attention," Kendall said, "your mission is...," Kendall pausesed for dramatic effect and also because the show went to the theme song. Names began to flash across the screen... "Miss Beautiful, Rich, Kick Ass, has hot boyfriend so we all love/hate her guts"... "Mr. The real reason I can't convey emotions is because I've had so many injections of botox that I can barely blink"... "Mrs. I'm 2 Good 4 this show so I'm gonna leave B 4 the 3rd Season" ...and last, and kinda least... "Spanky, the bald headed guy that yells a lot"...DUH DUH.
"Marriage counseling."
Both over the hill spies looked at each other confused. During the theme song and the commercials they had forgotten what Kendall had previously said. But at least they knew where to get the best savings on all Christmas items this Saturday from 6 to 9 A.M.
"Your mission is marriage counseling," Kendall screamed.
"OW!"
The three looked across the room to Jade, the speaker guy.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.
Back in character...
"Are you crazy?" Jack asked as Irina yelled, "Are you really as stupid as I thought?"
"Um, excuse me?"
The three looked again towards the crew.
"Could you please refrain from yelling? I am hoping not to need hearing aids until Christmas," Jade complained.
With a few mutterings about Jade being "an over paid sissy," "stupid know-it-all," and "dang he is really hot," the stars again went back to their scene.
"We're," the two remembered to keep their voices down, "not going!"
"I'm not going in there," Irina said as they stood in front of the counselor's door. "I mean technically I'm not even suppose to be here."
"Yeah," Jack said, "weren't you suppose to betray the CIA and go work with Sloane and Sark?"
"I was," Irina replied. "But the writers changed it," she said as they walked through the door.
"Stupid writers," Jack said.
"Oh lookie who's agreeing awedy."
Jack and Irina had seen some scary things in their time. I mean HELLO they know Sloane. But never in their entire careers had they ever seen or heard anything so sickingly sweet and disgusting and so totally evil.
"Hewo. I'm your mawage counsawaw. And I'm gonna make you two wovey dovey again in no time."
Irina lowered her voice so the yuppy couldn't hear. "Ok, you hold her and I'll knock her out. Then we'll make a run for it."
Screech
The doors behind them had shut and a metal door had come down from the ceiling also. There was no way out.
"We're gonna die," Irina screamed, not caring if Jade went deaf.
"Oh cum won. It won't be dat bad," the demonic creature said as she circled around them, resembling a shark with a Crestwhite Strip-like toothy grin and a piece of a fin stuck between her two front teeth.
"Jack, I know you're going to enjoy this...if she keeps this up you have my permission to kill me," Irina commanded.
"Yipee!" Jack exclaimed as he started jumping up and down wildly.
"Don't have too much fun," Irina warned.
"Okey dokey," Crazy woman said, "wet's start with compwiments. You're fiwst Mr. Briwstone."
"It's Bristow," the two answered in unison.
The counselor made the most annoying face and squeaked, "How cwute!"
Ignoring her comment Jack started. "Well, I like to think of myself as intelligent, tall, the original sexy beast..."
"No siwe," the speech impaired being of some sort interrupted. "Compwiment her," she said, pointing to Irina, who was sharpening her nails on the couch.
"What if I have nothing good to say?" Jack asked.
"Then don't say anything at...oh you omost got me dare," the lady I'm running out of mean names for said.
Jack begrudgingly turned toward Irina.
"You're very good at deceiving people."
"Stop it," Irina said in the way that meant just the opposite.
"No, dat doesn't work. Dry it again," the counselor said, weariness beginning to damper her upbeat perkiness that made most people vomit...repeatedly.
"You're very good at knocking people out," Jack continued.
"You're making me blush," Irina exclaimed.
"No! You're doing it wong!" the counsawaw screamed.
Suddenly the doors opened, revealing none other than Spanky. "How's it going?" he asked as he walked into the room. "Ready to get married again?"
"Aaahhhhh," the once happy go lucky counselor ran screaming from the room and tripped over a unicycle.
"Oops, my bad," Kendall said, "that must be why they say not to leave things right outside of doors. Gotta start remembering that."
Irina and Jack grinned at Kendall.
"So when's our next session?"
B.S. The counselor's speech pattern was inspired by the Impressive Cleregyman in The Princess Bride. And you better review or I'll sick her on you.