~Chapter 8~
"Going emotional, are you?" Fiyero asked after Glinda left. I shot him a look as I sat down beside him and he held his hands up in defeat.
"I meant no harm, spare me the scathing looks! What's the matter? You were fine a few minutes ago."
"It's just, I'm not sure I really did the right thing in telling her what little she knows. What if she . . . she's too close to the Wizard. That's my most prominent concern. I don't want her to do anything that could hurt any of us later down the road. I've never known her to think things through the way I do, and if she does something rash . . ."
"What's done is done, come what may and hell to pay. How Glinda decides to put her newfound knowledge to use is out of our hands." he said solemnly. Chistery climbed into my lap as Fiyero and I lapsed into silence, and I stared fixedly at a knot in the wooden floor. I stroked his fur absently, my mind reeling. I wanted to believe I'd done the right thing, but I couldn't tell with myself anymore. I'd done so many things because I thought they were the right things to do at the time but they had come back to haunt me later in life. I fervently hoped that this wouldn't turn out to be one of those times.
"I don't want Glinda to have anything to do with me. I want her to be happy for some reason, and if I in some way or another manage to ruin this plot of mine, which could be quite likely judging by the way things have been progressing, it'll not only screw me but it'll wound her position in society and possibly threaten her life as well as mine. But I need her help! If I chase her away I'll never be able to get this thing done right. If I didn't need her I wouldn't involve her in this in any way, and I would've concocted a royal mess of lies to feed her just to get her to stay away from me and to keep the effects of my scheme from by any means affecting her. I am tearing myself apart over this and I don't know what to do about it!" I said, angry and frustrated, twisting a lock of hair around my finger. My shouts frightened my monkey from my lap and he went and cowered under my worktable.
"Shhh. Elphaba, calm down. It's out of your control at the moment. There is nothing you can do nor anything I can do to help you until Glinda comes back to tell you what she's made of the whole thing. The only thing we can do is to wait for her." He added as an attempt at levity, "You're scaring your poor monkey with all your shouting."
"I am not capable of just sitting and waiting and worrying over what could come of this!" I cried, too agitated to hide my frustration behind a collected façade anymore. I hadn't counted on any of this, and in my eyes, it didn't bode well for the future. I stood and began to pace agitatedly around the room just to give myself something to do. After a few minutes Fiyero couldn't take watching me wear a hole through the floor any longer. He stood behind me, placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him.
"Elphie, you have to stop this. Worrying isn't going to get you anywhere."
"Do you think I don't know that?! Fiyero, I can't just sit and wait for someone I'm not yet sure I can entirely trust to decide whether or not to turn me in to her overlord! Just once I would like to be able to believe that they'll leave me alone to live out my existence in peace, but with so many people clawing at my throat that will never happen. You don't seem to understand that my life is resting on the decision of a woman who has no idea what I've been put through on the whims of her Wizardly master, and since you've had the misfortune to cross paths with me again your life also hangs in the balance!" I shouted. I collapsed onto the edge of the bed once more, my resolve deteriorating. He sat down as well, carefully watching my reactions.
"I just don't want the Gale Forcers to hurt you again. If they've hurt you before they'll have no qualms over hurting you again to get at me. I don't know how I'd live with myself if I let that happen after all I've already put you through." I said, my voice tired and sad.
I paused before whispering "Maybe I wouldn't even try to live with myself. I'm braver now than I was the first time around. If they . . . if this scheme of mine manages to blow up in my face and kills you, your soul will be seeing mine quite shortly in whatever form of an afterlife there is." Sighing heavily, I pressed a hand to my temples, my eyes tight shut.
"Oh, Fae, I promise you that'll never happen again. I love you too much to let it happen." he said. He tangled a hand in my hair and brought my lips to his, the desperate kiss a vow unspoken. I held him tight to me, as if afraid that I would fall to my death if I let go.
"And even if by some circumstance it does, promise me you won't end your life just because mine has." he murmured, his lips against my ear.
"I'm sorry, Fiyero, but that's a promise I could never make. I lost you once, and I won't make the same mistake again. Now that I think back on it, if I'd had the nerve the first time, I . . ."
"Elphie, please, don't talk like that. If you commit suicide all you've worked for your whole life would've been in vain. We still don't know how this will turn out, so worrying about it now won't help us any. Just promise me that if worst comes to worst you won't consider suicide as your means of relieving yourself of whatever pain you may experience."
"I said I'm sorry Fiyero, but I just can't promise you that!" I said, turning away from him so he wouldn't see the torn expression on my face.
The rest of the day crawled by, leading me into a fitful night's sleep. When I awoke I waited anxiously for Glinda's return. After what felt like an eternity she finally arrived, this time in a less-conspicuous outfit than her last "visit". I was always the one who could melt into the background unnoticed; she was the one who constantly stood out, and I was hoping against hope that this time she would be the one disappearing into her surroundings.
"Thank you again for agreeing to speak with me once more. I know I haven't been the best of friends to you over the years." she said sheepishly. I smiled wryly.
"Before I tell you anything you have to swear to me that you'll reveal none of what I say to you, ever. I'm very uncomfortable with my life in anyone's hands but my own, but as of now it rests in yours. Will you promise me nothing of what I say will travel outside this house?" I asked, locking eyes with her.
"Nothing will reach anyone's ears but my own. I'd never betray you like that, Elphie." she answered somberly. I nodded grimly; my stomach twisted uneasily. Somehow her words seemed to cause my unease.
Then the barrage of questions began. Most I only half-answered, as she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, and I still wasn't sure how much information to reveal. It took a huge amount of control just to keep myself from slapping my hand over her mouth to get her to shut up for a moment and listen to me. Instead, I did the next best thing.
"Glinda! Please, will you let me speak?" I half-shouted. She nodded meekly, from shock I assumed.
I sighed heavily, still torn in two directions over what to tell and what to keep to myself. I gave a slight grimace before plunging into a narrative about my revenge scheme, the spell that went with it, and my need of her assistance.
"Let me see the spell." she said, her face set in an unreadable mask. I pointed to the open Grimmerie sitting on my worktable. She ogled over the tome for a few moments before speaking.
"I've never seen anything like this. Elphie, where did you get this book?" she asked, not taking her eyes off the spell. I couldn't tell if she was alarmed or in awe, or both.
"It doesn't matter where I got it, there's not another one like it in all of Oz, and I don't intend to let it get into anyone's hands but my own." I answered. She stared at the book for a few more moments before speaking.
"I'm sorry Elphaba, but there is now way in Oz you'll get me to help you with this. I refuse to be an accomplice in murder, for there's no doubt in my mind that murder is what you're attempting. This is a spell that even I would be afraid to put into motion; what makes you think you'll ever be able to pull this off alone?"
I molded my face into an unreadable expression to mask the defeat that would've shown there.
"I was hoping I wouldn't have to go it alone. Now I can see I was mistaken in thinking so." I replied coldly.
"Elphie, I didn't mean -"
"I know." I said quietly. "Be that as it may, can I still trust you to keep what I've told you inside this room?"
"I won't help you carry out this madness, Elphie, but I'll not hurt you with what I know."
I stayed silent.
"Please trust me, Elphaba. I would never in a hundred lifetimes betray you like that."
"Good."
"Going emotional, are you?" Fiyero asked after Glinda left. I shot him a look as I sat down beside him and he held his hands up in defeat.
"I meant no harm, spare me the scathing looks! What's the matter? You were fine a few minutes ago."
"It's just, I'm not sure I really did the right thing in telling her what little she knows. What if she . . . she's too close to the Wizard. That's my most prominent concern. I don't want her to do anything that could hurt any of us later down the road. I've never known her to think things through the way I do, and if she does something rash . . ."
"What's done is done, come what may and hell to pay. How Glinda decides to put her newfound knowledge to use is out of our hands." he said solemnly. Chistery climbed into my lap as Fiyero and I lapsed into silence, and I stared fixedly at a knot in the wooden floor. I stroked his fur absently, my mind reeling. I wanted to believe I'd done the right thing, but I couldn't tell with myself anymore. I'd done so many things because I thought they were the right things to do at the time but they had come back to haunt me later in life. I fervently hoped that this wouldn't turn out to be one of those times.
"I don't want Glinda to have anything to do with me. I want her to be happy for some reason, and if I in some way or another manage to ruin this plot of mine, which could be quite likely judging by the way things have been progressing, it'll not only screw me but it'll wound her position in society and possibly threaten her life as well as mine. But I need her help! If I chase her away I'll never be able to get this thing done right. If I didn't need her I wouldn't involve her in this in any way, and I would've concocted a royal mess of lies to feed her just to get her to stay away from me and to keep the effects of my scheme from by any means affecting her. I am tearing myself apart over this and I don't know what to do about it!" I said, angry and frustrated, twisting a lock of hair around my finger. My shouts frightened my monkey from my lap and he went and cowered under my worktable.
"Shhh. Elphaba, calm down. It's out of your control at the moment. There is nothing you can do nor anything I can do to help you until Glinda comes back to tell you what she's made of the whole thing. The only thing we can do is to wait for her." He added as an attempt at levity, "You're scaring your poor monkey with all your shouting."
"I am not capable of just sitting and waiting and worrying over what could come of this!" I cried, too agitated to hide my frustration behind a collected façade anymore. I hadn't counted on any of this, and in my eyes, it didn't bode well for the future. I stood and began to pace agitatedly around the room just to give myself something to do. After a few minutes Fiyero couldn't take watching me wear a hole through the floor any longer. He stood behind me, placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him.
"Elphie, you have to stop this. Worrying isn't going to get you anywhere."
"Do you think I don't know that?! Fiyero, I can't just sit and wait for someone I'm not yet sure I can entirely trust to decide whether or not to turn me in to her overlord! Just once I would like to be able to believe that they'll leave me alone to live out my existence in peace, but with so many people clawing at my throat that will never happen. You don't seem to understand that my life is resting on the decision of a woman who has no idea what I've been put through on the whims of her Wizardly master, and since you've had the misfortune to cross paths with me again your life also hangs in the balance!" I shouted. I collapsed onto the edge of the bed once more, my resolve deteriorating. He sat down as well, carefully watching my reactions.
"I just don't want the Gale Forcers to hurt you again. If they've hurt you before they'll have no qualms over hurting you again to get at me. I don't know how I'd live with myself if I let that happen after all I've already put you through." I said, my voice tired and sad.
I paused before whispering "Maybe I wouldn't even try to live with myself. I'm braver now than I was the first time around. If they . . . if this scheme of mine manages to blow up in my face and kills you, your soul will be seeing mine quite shortly in whatever form of an afterlife there is." Sighing heavily, I pressed a hand to my temples, my eyes tight shut.
"Oh, Fae, I promise you that'll never happen again. I love you too much to let it happen." he said. He tangled a hand in my hair and brought my lips to his, the desperate kiss a vow unspoken. I held him tight to me, as if afraid that I would fall to my death if I let go.
"And even if by some circumstance it does, promise me you won't end your life just because mine has." he murmured, his lips against my ear.
"I'm sorry, Fiyero, but that's a promise I could never make. I lost you once, and I won't make the same mistake again. Now that I think back on it, if I'd had the nerve the first time, I . . ."
"Elphie, please, don't talk like that. If you commit suicide all you've worked for your whole life would've been in vain. We still don't know how this will turn out, so worrying about it now won't help us any. Just promise me that if worst comes to worst you won't consider suicide as your means of relieving yourself of whatever pain you may experience."
"I said I'm sorry Fiyero, but I just can't promise you that!" I said, turning away from him so he wouldn't see the torn expression on my face.
The rest of the day crawled by, leading me into a fitful night's sleep. When I awoke I waited anxiously for Glinda's return. After what felt like an eternity she finally arrived, this time in a less-conspicuous outfit than her last "visit". I was always the one who could melt into the background unnoticed; she was the one who constantly stood out, and I was hoping against hope that this time she would be the one disappearing into her surroundings.
"Thank you again for agreeing to speak with me once more. I know I haven't been the best of friends to you over the years." she said sheepishly. I smiled wryly.
"Before I tell you anything you have to swear to me that you'll reveal none of what I say to you, ever. I'm very uncomfortable with my life in anyone's hands but my own, but as of now it rests in yours. Will you promise me nothing of what I say will travel outside this house?" I asked, locking eyes with her.
"Nothing will reach anyone's ears but my own. I'd never betray you like that, Elphie." she answered somberly. I nodded grimly; my stomach twisted uneasily. Somehow her words seemed to cause my unease.
Then the barrage of questions began. Most I only half-answered, as she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, and I still wasn't sure how much information to reveal. It took a huge amount of control just to keep myself from slapping my hand over her mouth to get her to shut up for a moment and listen to me. Instead, I did the next best thing.
"Glinda! Please, will you let me speak?" I half-shouted. She nodded meekly, from shock I assumed.
I sighed heavily, still torn in two directions over what to tell and what to keep to myself. I gave a slight grimace before plunging into a narrative about my revenge scheme, the spell that went with it, and my need of her assistance.
"Let me see the spell." she said, her face set in an unreadable mask. I pointed to the open Grimmerie sitting on my worktable. She ogled over the tome for a few moments before speaking.
"I've never seen anything like this. Elphie, where did you get this book?" she asked, not taking her eyes off the spell. I couldn't tell if she was alarmed or in awe, or both.
"It doesn't matter where I got it, there's not another one like it in all of Oz, and I don't intend to let it get into anyone's hands but my own." I answered. She stared at the book for a few more moments before speaking.
"I'm sorry Elphaba, but there is now way in Oz you'll get me to help you with this. I refuse to be an accomplice in murder, for there's no doubt in my mind that murder is what you're attempting. This is a spell that even I would be afraid to put into motion; what makes you think you'll ever be able to pull this off alone?"
I molded my face into an unreadable expression to mask the defeat that would've shown there.
"I was hoping I wouldn't have to go it alone. Now I can see I was mistaken in thinking so." I replied coldly.
"Elphie, I didn't mean -"
"I know." I said quietly. "Be that as it may, can I still trust you to keep what I've told you inside this room?"
"I won't help you carry out this madness, Elphie, but I'll not hurt you with what I know."
I stayed silent.
"Please trust me, Elphaba. I would never in a hundred lifetimes betray you like that."
"Good."