All of you out there sitting and reading this, prepeare yourselves for the Sappy Hideous-ness that will befall your eyes if you dare read on. Yes, this chapter is probably pretty badly written, but yes, it will get better soon. I have already started chapter 10 and believe me, from the first sentence I wrote down it was better than this one. However, please bear with me once again.
You can now see why I will never ever in a million and three years write romance novels.
~Chapter 9~
We sat there in an awkward silence while each of us waited for the other to speak. I was holding my breath inside, wishing Glinda would leave. I wanted nothing more to do with her. The cold exterior I had adopted to mask my suddenly shattered resolve wouldn't last much longer. I hadn't expected Glinda's refusal to hit me this hard.
She was just as uncomfortable as I was, and it was easily seen in the way she fidgeted slightly and refused to meet my eyes. Then she began to speak partly just to end the growing silence.
"I just can't help you attempt something so dangerous. You don't know exactly how powerful this spell is. More people have died from trying to perform it than from being the ones the curse was aimed at! I know as well as you do that you haven't any idea how to go about this correctly. I'm not even sure how to do it right." She paused, then began to plead with me, "Please, give this up. Do your best to stay unnoticed and you'll have the best chance of holding onto your life! Elphaba, I don't want you to die, not as a result of some crazy bid for revenge nor at the hands of the Wizard. Heed to what I say for once and stay away from the man! He's too damn powerful and influential for you to go up against!"
"That may be, but I will go through with this. You have no idea, Glinda, what this means to me, and even if I explain you would throw my words to the wind. I don't know how to make you understand." I said, my voice tired.
"Then there's really nothing else I can say." Glinda replied. "I'd better be going now. If you decide in the end not to follow through with your plan, I thank you for preserving your existence and granting me peace of mind. If not and you choose to go against the Wizard I want to wish you the best of luck." Locking eyes with me, she continued "This is goodbye for the time being, my friend. I hope you succeed in your endeavor, should you so choose to pursue it." She rose slowly from her seat and left without looking back. In a way I was sad to see her go.
I didn't see Glinda again in the week to come; I supposed she had shut herself away somewhere to avoid the temptation to come back here and try to convert me to her way of thinking. Part of me missed her and wanted her friendship back, but the half concerned for the safety of both she and myself wanted her as far away from me as possible. More often than not I gave in to the second half, justifying it to myself with the fact that at least if she stayed away from me that would mean she'd still be alive.
It's a wonder how quickly I had lapsed back into my former work schedule with nary a spare hour to myself, partly for work, partly to distance myself from reflections on recent events. My maniacal fixation on the spell had climbed to a level just short of obsession, and the only time that was not put to use in pushing forward my endeavor was either spent with sleeping or warring with Fiyero, who was fighting a losing battle trying to get me to relax for a short while. He would occasionally come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist or kiss my cheek to try and distract me, but he was always gently shooed away. The only good thing he could find with my work was the fact that I was no longer distraught with worry over whether or not to trust Glinda. I either now had better things to worry about, or was too hell-bent on success to bother with worrying at all.
Surprisingly, only a week passed between Glinda's taking leave of me and the ultimate completion of the spell's translation. All that was left was for me to perform it against my adversary. I wanted to finish the deed as soon as possible, but all the anxieties pushed to the back of my mind about possible consequences came rushing to the front again, urging me to put off its enactment for as long as possible, or at least until I could find a better alternative. As a result I tried to forestall the eventual enactment of the revenge I had once so desperately wanted. I was apprehensive and listless once more. My doubts overran the former drive pushing me toward committing the eventual murder. I scolded myself on being as afraid as a small child worrying over whether or not to tell her mother she did something wrong, but I couldn't help it. I was no longer the headstrong, restless young woman I had once been, and I couldn't plunge ahead into things like I used to. Things I once believed in now seemed wrong and inconsequential. Things I would never have considered in my younger days now played a huge part in the ways I thought and acted. Life seemed like a never-ending game with my mind, being twisted and played with by whatever higher power there was, with the sole purpose of trying to see how far they could push me before I broke. I felt like the breakage was fast approaching.
The night I concluded the copying over of my translations, I dropped my pen with a loud clatter, breaking the former quiet of the room.
"It's done -" I whispered. "It's done."
"That's it then? You've finished it?" Fiyero asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral. I glanced over at him. The monotone in his words couldn't veil the fear in his eyes. He'd been against this whole thing from the start, but he never had the heart to outright tell me not to go through with it. He respected my wishes enough to let me do as I wished. Sometimes he gave me a little too much respect where I would've done anything to hear him tell me to stay home with him instead of endangering my life – most of the time I hadn't the sense to tell that to myself.
"I suppose I should get it over with, then. I have no excuse to wait any longer. I'll go tomorrow. I can't bear the grim apprehension anymore." I sat down on the edge of the bed before crawling under the covers next to him, trying in vain to hide the haunted look I knew had possessed my eyes.
"Elphaba?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me you'll be careful. Keep yourself safe."
"Famous last words." I replied in a halfhearted attempt at sarcasm. The last time I had said that it ended in disaster. "And why should I keep myself so safe, Fiyero?" I paused and cast my eyes away from him. "I don't even know if it's worth it anymore."
"I love you, if that's any consolation. Please don't throw me away in heedlessly throwing yourself away. I don't want to be alone anymore. I didn't think you did either."
I curved my body to fit with his, needing the comfort and assurance of his presence. Closing my eyes tightly and grimacing in a mixture of fear and sadness, I tightened my arms around him, terribly afraid and childlike again.
"I don't; gods, I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to go through with this anymore. I'm so scared, for Glinda, for you, for me – Fiyero, I keep thinking if this ends up like it did the last time . . ."
"Shhh. If I know you as well as I know I do, I'm sure you won't let it happen like that again. Sometimes fear can be a good thing; it keeps us from doing the same things that turned out disastrous in years past. But please Elphie, let's not spend tonight in fear. Let me love you tonight like I should have been doing for the past fifteen some-odd years."
His voice was warm, inviting, and sincere; I could tell he was hurt by my sudden self-depreciation and insecurity which was so out-of-character for me; he wanted me to be happy, if only for one short night. I saw no reason to deny myself the love that of late I had been pushing away from me and never allowing myself to experience in its entirety. Neither of us felt like we had to hold back from each other anymore. I had been holding back for so long, so afraid of being betrayed. He'd been trying to get me to trust again, and I'd finally opened my eyes to his attempts.
The gentle way Fiyero caressed my face and stroked my hair conveyed how he wanted me to feel as valuable as he knew I was; if only he could make me believe I was. I wanted to be worthy of his love. I wanted to feel like I was something more than the cold-blooded murderer I had come to act like over the past week or so. Most of all I wanted to believe him, but that was the hardest thing of all for me to do.
I pressed closer to him, receiving his warmth and offering him mine. I needed the comfort of touch as much as possible so it could take me away from this life. I needed to escape for one short night. Fiyero was my escape. Neither of us had anything to hide anymore, and in our being so open with each other we closed out the rest of the world and were blissfully oblivious to all but the love we both needed so badly to feel.
My fears evaporated into nothingness for the time being. I knew they would flood back to me when I awoke but I didn't care. For the moment my mind was mercifully allowing me one last night of grace before all hell would break loose. Just before I fell asleep I realized that I was no longer afraid of tomorrow.
You can now see why I will never ever in a million and three years write romance novels.
~Chapter 9~
We sat there in an awkward silence while each of us waited for the other to speak. I was holding my breath inside, wishing Glinda would leave. I wanted nothing more to do with her. The cold exterior I had adopted to mask my suddenly shattered resolve wouldn't last much longer. I hadn't expected Glinda's refusal to hit me this hard.
She was just as uncomfortable as I was, and it was easily seen in the way she fidgeted slightly and refused to meet my eyes. Then she began to speak partly just to end the growing silence.
"I just can't help you attempt something so dangerous. You don't know exactly how powerful this spell is. More people have died from trying to perform it than from being the ones the curse was aimed at! I know as well as you do that you haven't any idea how to go about this correctly. I'm not even sure how to do it right." She paused, then began to plead with me, "Please, give this up. Do your best to stay unnoticed and you'll have the best chance of holding onto your life! Elphaba, I don't want you to die, not as a result of some crazy bid for revenge nor at the hands of the Wizard. Heed to what I say for once and stay away from the man! He's too damn powerful and influential for you to go up against!"
"That may be, but I will go through with this. You have no idea, Glinda, what this means to me, and even if I explain you would throw my words to the wind. I don't know how to make you understand." I said, my voice tired.
"Then there's really nothing else I can say." Glinda replied. "I'd better be going now. If you decide in the end not to follow through with your plan, I thank you for preserving your existence and granting me peace of mind. If not and you choose to go against the Wizard I want to wish you the best of luck." Locking eyes with me, she continued "This is goodbye for the time being, my friend. I hope you succeed in your endeavor, should you so choose to pursue it." She rose slowly from her seat and left without looking back. In a way I was sad to see her go.
I didn't see Glinda again in the week to come; I supposed she had shut herself away somewhere to avoid the temptation to come back here and try to convert me to her way of thinking. Part of me missed her and wanted her friendship back, but the half concerned for the safety of both she and myself wanted her as far away from me as possible. More often than not I gave in to the second half, justifying it to myself with the fact that at least if she stayed away from me that would mean she'd still be alive.
It's a wonder how quickly I had lapsed back into my former work schedule with nary a spare hour to myself, partly for work, partly to distance myself from reflections on recent events. My maniacal fixation on the spell had climbed to a level just short of obsession, and the only time that was not put to use in pushing forward my endeavor was either spent with sleeping or warring with Fiyero, who was fighting a losing battle trying to get me to relax for a short while. He would occasionally come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist or kiss my cheek to try and distract me, but he was always gently shooed away. The only good thing he could find with my work was the fact that I was no longer distraught with worry over whether or not to trust Glinda. I either now had better things to worry about, or was too hell-bent on success to bother with worrying at all.
Surprisingly, only a week passed between Glinda's taking leave of me and the ultimate completion of the spell's translation. All that was left was for me to perform it against my adversary. I wanted to finish the deed as soon as possible, but all the anxieties pushed to the back of my mind about possible consequences came rushing to the front again, urging me to put off its enactment for as long as possible, or at least until I could find a better alternative. As a result I tried to forestall the eventual enactment of the revenge I had once so desperately wanted. I was apprehensive and listless once more. My doubts overran the former drive pushing me toward committing the eventual murder. I scolded myself on being as afraid as a small child worrying over whether or not to tell her mother she did something wrong, but I couldn't help it. I was no longer the headstrong, restless young woman I had once been, and I couldn't plunge ahead into things like I used to. Things I once believed in now seemed wrong and inconsequential. Things I would never have considered in my younger days now played a huge part in the ways I thought and acted. Life seemed like a never-ending game with my mind, being twisted and played with by whatever higher power there was, with the sole purpose of trying to see how far they could push me before I broke. I felt like the breakage was fast approaching.
The night I concluded the copying over of my translations, I dropped my pen with a loud clatter, breaking the former quiet of the room.
"It's done -" I whispered. "It's done."
"That's it then? You've finished it?" Fiyero asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral. I glanced over at him. The monotone in his words couldn't veil the fear in his eyes. He'd been against this whole thing from the start, but he never had the heart to outright tell me not to go through with it. He respected my wishes enough to let me do as I wished. Sometimes he gave me a little too much respect where I would've done anything to hear him tell me to stay home with him instead of endangering my life – most of the time I hadn't the sense to tell that to myself.
"I suppose I should get it over with, then. I have no excuse to wait any longer. I'll go tomorrow. I can't bear the grim apprehension anymore." I sat down on the edge of the bed before crawling under the covers next to him, trying in vain to hide the haunted look I knew had possessed my eyes.
"Elphaba?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me you'll be careful. Keep yourself safe."
"Famous last words." I replied in a halfhearted attempt at sarcasm. The last time I had said that it ended in disaster. "And why should I keep myself so safe, Fiyero?" I paused and cast my eyes away from him. "I don't even know if it's worth it anymore."
"I love you, if that's any consolation. Please don't throw me away in heedlessly throwing yourself away. I don't want to be alone anymore. I didn't think you did either."
I curved my body to fit with his, needing the comfort and assurance of his presence. Closing my eyes tightly and grimacing in a mixture of fear and sadness, I tightened my arms around him, terribly afraid and childlike again.
"I don't; gods, I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to go through with this anymore. I'm so scared, for Glinda, for you, for me – Fiyero, I keep thinking if this ends up like it did the last time . . ."
"Shhh. If I know you as well as I know I do, I'm sure you won't let it happen like that again. Sometimes fear can be a good thing; it keeps us from doing the same things that turned out disastrous in years past. But please Elphie, let's not spend tonight in fear. Let me love you tonight like I should have been doing for the past fifteen some-odd years."
His voice was warm, inviting, and sincere; I could tell he was hurt by my sudden self-depreciation and insecurity which was so out-of-character for me; he wanted me to be happy, if only for one short night. I saw no reason to deny myself the love that of late I had been pushing away from me and never allowing myself to experience in its entirety. Neither of us felt like we had to hold back from each other anymore. I had been holding back for so long, so afraid of being betrayed. He'd been trying to get me to trust again, and I'd finally opened my eyes to his attempts.
The gentle way Fiyero caressed my face and stroked my hair conveyed how he wanted me to feel as valuable as he knew I was; if only he could make me believe I was. I wanted to be worthy of his love. I wanted to feel like I was something more than the cold-blooded murderer I had come to act like over the past week or so. Most of all I wanted to believe him, but that was the hardest thing of all for me to do.
I pressed closer to him, receiving his warmth and offering him mine. I needed the comfort of touch as much as possible so it could take me away from this life. I needed to escape for one short night. Fiyero was my escape. Neither of us had anything to hide anymore, and in our being so open with each other we closed out the rest of the world and were blissfully oblivious to all but the love we both needed so badly to feel.
My fears evaporated into nothingness for the time being. I knew they would flood back to me when I awoke but I didn't care. For the moment my mind was mercifully allowing me one last night of grace before all hell would break loose. Just before I fell asleep I realized that I was no longer afraid of tomorrow.